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Relationships

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Original poster

Why won't my separated boyfriend divorce his wife?

81 replies

Onemumtwokids · 27/01/2021 21:31

I have been dating a lovely man for 8 months. He has been separated from his wife for over 10 years and I have his been introduced to his 3 adult children and his teenage child, plus multiple friends as his "girlfriend". So far so good.

We met as single people on the internet but I have done a reasonable amount of background checks on him because of this, so I don't think there's a massive cover-up of anything.

However, I as my divorce gets closer to completion I am more and more bothered about why he isn't yet divorced. I have asked him and answers range from "she wouldn't sign off on it", "head in the sand" and "no need to". They are "friends" he says and have known each other since childhood.

Things have come to a bit of a head for me as he is buying a new house further away from his ex but nearer to his work (now that the teenager can travel independently between the two on the public transport). Again, all good. However, he is willing to pay a lot of extra stamp duty because of the fact he is still married and even when he sells the house he lives in now, he still owns the original family home his wife lives in too.

It's really upsetting me and makes me think that he will never divorce if he will voluntarily pay a 3% surcharge on his house for the privilege of staying married to a woman he hasn't lived with for over a decade.

Why would he do this? Help me rationalise it all.

I'm not intending to move in with him and don't even want to marry him myself in the short to medium term but I can't see myself being happy with this status quo in the longer term and I really don't know if I would still want to be the "girlfriend" of a (legally) married man in 10 years time. Not least, because it would cause a monumental mess for me if we lived together and he died whilst still married. I've already lied to my mum and told her he's divorced.

OP posts:

Gemma2019 · 27/01/2021 21:47

Financial benefits, I would think. If they are old friends and still very amicable I would imagine that it's because if he dies his share of the house will transfer to her without any inheritance tax to pay. Plus he could use her as a conduit to leave money and assets to his children and mitigate the tax outlay. Maybe she will get his life assurance, or pension benefits i(f any) too.

henni85 · 27/01/2021 21:48

Fear of financial consequences possibly? I have male friends who have not divorced as the ex would take them to the cleaners.

I also feel your frustration, as my boyfriend is separated (for 5 ish years) and still hasn’t sorted a divorce. Day to day it’s no drama, but I do wonder where I would stand if anything was to happen to him. We have spoken about it, and it is the ‘not got around to it’ answer. I don’t think men see it the same way, genuinely

OhMsBeliever · 27/01/2021 21:54

My boyfriend has been separated 7 or so years and hadn't got divorced. He briefly mentioned financial reasons as to why. I'm not even divorced myself (been separated 3 years) so I can't say anything really. My reason is laziness and hatred of paperwork. Like you I'm not planning on living with him or marrying him so I guess it's not my business really.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2021 21:55

This is the third thread on here about men not divorcing their wives despite being with new women in a week. If it’s a deal breaker for you, and fair enough, you need to ask him and not settle for any flim flam answers. Has he had any other relationships between his wife and you?

When I left my ex I found somewhere to live, downloaded the paperwork, got ill for a month, did the paperwork asap after that and just got it done. The thought of staying married to him once I’d taken the step to finally leave him was dreadful. I can’t understand this at all.

Northernsoullover · 27/01/2021 21:59

I found out very recently that my ex with whom I have two children with never divorced his wife. We were together 9 years. She died a few years ago but he wouldn't have wanted all his assets to have gone to her if anything had happened to him. He simply couldn't be arsed

Original poster

Onemumtwokids · 27/01/2021 21:59

I think potentially losing control of half his assets is a big thing. He couldn't afford to buy the new house if he gave her half of everything. Which annoys me more, because he then couldn't afford to divorce her even if he wanted to. I have suggested to him that he seek advice from a divorce lawyer before spending what amounts to well over 50% of the marital assets, but he hasn't.

I think he probably trusts her that if she inherited his estate, she wouldn't leave it all to a new man over their kids. It only delays the inheritance tax though, it still has to be paid when she dies.

I'm so annoyed! I've found a man who I could see spending the next 40 years of my life with but he doesn't understand that it's just not acceptable to me for him to be married to someone else. I'm so embarrassed by it, I've even lied to my kids and parents. I'm just not comfortable being a "mistress".

OP posts:

BlueTurtle1 · 27/01/2021 21:59

Probably due to inheritance tax if he or she dies? If they are still married the other will get the assets tax free and then can pass to the children.

CheddarGorgeous · 27/01/2021 22:02

You have been his girlfriend for 8 months. It's not your place to advise him on his divorce or financial affairs.

Equally you are allowed to dump him for any reason, and is consider this a good one.

Alez · 27/01/2021 22:05

My father never divorced his wife, even though it's been decades. I have never understood it.

Emmie2021 · 27/01/2021 22:06

I wouldn’t be with a man who was married still

When I met my partner he was separated and he (and esp his ex ) didn’t want to divorce

He knew i wouldn’t stay if he didn’t divorce his ex so he did and yes it made their relationship much less amicable ! On her part !

Original poster

Onemumtwokids · 27/01/2021 22:11

@Emmie2021
How long were you together before he started to divorce his wife?

OP posts:

GreenClock · 27/01/2021 22:20

I have a few friends like this. Mostly they keep meaning to get round to it but never bother. Legally it’s problematic but morally less so (they’re genuinely separated).

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/01/2021 22:34

My friend's DF and DM were like this, separated - and I mean, completely separated in every way shape and form - for around 20 years. It was just apathy, I think. It took a major upset in their housing situation to force a divorce.

Her DF's 'new' partner (of 20 years) was a bloody saint.

SuitedandBooted · 28/01/2021 00:20

It's probably mostly money related. He would rather let his money etc be inherited by her and his children, and take advantage of lack of inheritance tax between spouses. I don't think men (and women) who are financially organised enough to buy extra houses etc are just leaving it because it's too much faff. They have reasons.

It's actually a lot more common than people think - ask any solicitor who deals with probate.

Plonque · 28/01/2021 00:29

Personally I think it's a bit daft to be buying more properties when she'd potentially be entitled to half of it in their eventual divorce.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2021 00:34

I don't understand why you are still with him. Him being married clearly upsets you, and you're even lying to your mother and children about him. How would they feel when they find out the truth, knowing you've been lying to them as though you're a young girl not wanting to get in trouble?They probably will find out because lies rarely stay buried.

You will never be satisfied in this relationship, and you are old enough to realise this. He will never get divorced. You are really wasting your time.

XazieRose · 28/01/2021 00:35

Still loves her.

BlueThistles · 28/01/2021 00:52

it's a Win Win for the Mrs if she outlives him 🌺

Onthedunes · 28/01/2021 01:10

@BlueThistles

I agree but not many men would mind this as he knows her wealth will then pass onto his own children.

There are lots of men(and women) that don't re marry purely for that reason. I've seen it alot, the man re-marries, dies, leaves his money to the 2nd wife, she then dies and leaves everthing to her own children from a previous union.
Who wants that.

Anordinarymum · 28/01/2021 01:24

When my bloke divorced his wife he got shafted. She worked when they got married and then stopped shortly after and never worked again. He had been paying for literally everything for years and it had to stop. Getting a divorce was the legal way to end all the sponging. When they divorced he even had to pay her solicitors bill.
He waited a long time because he was afraid of the consequences, but now life is better as she can't take another penny from him.

MaLarkinn · 28/01/2021 03:02

i’m still married and i’m in a relationship the last seven years!

jimmyjammy001 · 28/01/2021 03:19

If he's still not got divorced after 10 years then he never will, you can either leave or put up with it they are really the only options I'm afraid

Harriedharriet · 28/01/2021 03:30

My mother did not divorce my father. For 40 years. When he died she got the Widows Pension. .
My brother never divorced his ex wife - it has been 25 years. I think it has acted as a buffer for him. He did not do it because it did not suit him - very simple. Did not suit her either though!

Wiredforsound · 28/01/2021 05:38

I’m still married to my ex for purely financial reasons. We own property, have savings, and have 2 dependent children. We get along well and neither of us have any interest in marrying again. If anything happened to me or him or both of us, the ‘family’ money is protected and the kids will inherit without any hassle. We are more or less equal earners so it feels fair and in the best interests of the kids.

My DP is in a similar position with his ex who he hasn’t seen for about 5 years. He and I don’t intend to have any children together (we’re in our early 50s now) and have no need to combine finances. We do live together and this works for us but I appreciate it might not for others.

Sunbird24 · 28/01/2021 06:17

My ex had been separated from his wife for about 7 years when we got together, and he told me that she’d recently asked for a divorce and he was refusing, as he’d asked her for a divorce a couple of times after they first split and she’d said no. That revelation of pettiness was the start of me losing respect for him.
This sounds like a pretty major issue for you, so it’s probably best to decide now whether it’s one you can live with.

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