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Original poster

Confused; Casual bf wants to have a baby with me

113 replies

gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 18:06

I should make it clear; I'm not confused about whether to have a baby with him (nope), I'm confused about why he wants to.

We're both expats as such, I'm from the UK, he's from a West African country but has been living & working here for several years, my neighbour, his friend (from the same county) introduced us.
He was very keen from the start, I was flattered but cautious and got involved partly because I'm a bit lonely tbh (and he's v attractive Blush) but saw it as fairly casual. There are things about him that make me think he's not exactly backward inn coming forward with women .. another reason I've seen it as casual.

He recently said he wanted to have a baby with me, which totally surprised me and made me think wtf. We've only been seeing each other for a couple of months roughly. I said very little, but it's been raised again - in a weird sort of jokey way, with his mate/my neighbour while in the car (he jokily his friend to open the door for me because "she's pregnant you know" and his friend played along saying things like "oh, is she, I'll be careful" or words to that effect).

I was not amused and it was obvious so they didn't carry on, buft wtf could this be about?

I'd previously asked him if he had any kids (he's a good bit older than me, he's been sheepish and vague about his age, I'm guessing he's late 30s, I'm early 20s) and he said no. That a previous gf had had a termination but that was it.

At first I thought it might be something to do with being "older" and not having had any kids yet; because I know from doing a placement in the country bordering his that people tend to have kids relatively young, and it's common to meet guys who have several children by his age. That he's somehow putting himself under pressure to catch up and he's gotten carried away. But I'm really mind boggled. I also wondered about visa issues but he apparently has a visa to work here, in a developed, pretty wealthy country so .... ?

It has put me off continuing the relationship tbh, but I didn't want to end it in a kneed jerk reaction. I felt like I was being manipulated/stage managed in that car and I'm dwelling on it.

OP posts:
ShalomToYouJackie · 27/01/2021 18:13

Maybe the Visa thing isn't true? Either way, I'd see this as a big red flag and would end things. It's really weird

EconomyFrog · 27/01/2021 18:17

Yeah, if it is starting to feel weird end it, it's not fun anymore if he is being weird.

Unicornamy · 27/01/2021 18:22

Red flags all over this story.

Yellowhighheels · 27/01/2021 18:32

He sounds an oddball OP, it's the lying about/ being shady about his age that I have come across a few times in my time and don't like. If someone likes about something so easily verifiable and objective, it shows a bit of a patchy relationship the truth and respect for you.

I know it's only casual but sounds like you have a gut feeling about this guy and I would listen to it.

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 18:34

I'm glad others think this is weird/suspect.

Why would you have a planned child with someone you've only been seeing for a couple of months (maybe a bit more, I haven't really been paying a lot of attention) - I thought he just wanted sex and/or that I was a novelty due to race/nationality here. He was so super keen at the start too that I thought he'd lose interest after a short while.

The thing is, I'm a long flight away from home, no support, working a busy job, have not been here long ... Why on earth would he think I'd want to get pregnant here/now (as well as the relative lack of length of the relationship).

OP posts:
mummytolittledragons · 27/01/2021 18:34

Probably want a to secure a
Visa. Oldest trick in the book op.

Lordamighty · 27/01/2021 18:36

You should be running for the hills.

PanamaPattie · 27/01/2021 18:38

Visa. Don't fall for it. The hills are over there >>>>>>>>>>>

Yellowhighheels · 27/01/2021 18:38

Prob doesn't give a shit what you want or why you'd want it. If he can't even tell you truthful basic details about himself, he's not head over heels letting his imagination run away with him.

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 18:38

Maybe the Visa thing isn't true?

Maybe.

I haven't enquired into it, I just presumed he'd gotten a visa on a requirement for workers basis.

I know he was in the US for a while before he moved to this country and that he didn't have get visa status and get the impression he may have had to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 18:42

it's the lying about/ being shady about his age that I have come across a few times in my time and don't like.

He didn't lie to be fair; he was jokey and sheepish about it and implied he was older than I'd thought he was (30s) and I thought he was just embarrassed/lacking in confidence about the age gap and didn't push for an age. Tbh I didn't care, I thought were we just having a sort of fling.

OP posts:
HappyFlamingo · 27/01/2021 18:44

I would find this suspicious, and if not, then really weird!

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 18:45

Visa. Don't fall for it.

Why would be go for baby and not marriage?

I'm well aware of visa marriages (both intentional and deceptive) from a bit of living abroad and travelling, bit he hasn't mentioned a word about marriage.

Would he get visa "rights" from having a child in the UK?

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 27/01/2021 18:49

Very suspicious. I would end the relationship.

Yousexybugger · 27/01/2021 18:53

Would he get visa "rights" from having a child in the UK?

Yes, he could apply if he could show he had shared or sole parental responsibility for the child, I.e. had access to the child.

category12 · 27/01/2021 18:55

Some people have "breeder" fetish. Just throwing it out there.

LonginesPrime · 27/01/2021 18:58

Not sure where you're living, OP, but if he's telling other people you're pregnant, another possibility is that he has a child already and he's trying to convince an ex that he has another child to reduce child maintenance payments (assuming that would make a difference under the rules where you are).

hereyehearye · 27/01/2021 19:00

You sound extremely naive. Of course he's after a visa. As for marriage, he'd suggest it once you got pregnant.

End it now and stay away from him.

Lizadork · 27/01/2021 19:06

I am sure someone i know got permission to remain in UK under right to a family life as he had a British child. Never married.

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:06

@Yousexybugger

Would he get visa "rights" from having a child in the UK?

Yes, he could apply if he could show he had shared or sole parental responsibility for the child, I.e. had access to the child.

I didn't know that. I haven't had any reason to look into it.

Seems like a crappy loophole/open to exploitation by people wanting UK visas/residence or whatever. What if they did contraception fraud and got someone pregnant ... Or would the UK parent have to cooperate and give then access etc.?

OP posts:
Holothane · 27/01/2021 19:07

Tell him to jog on and then block, you don’t need what will be trouble in your life.

TwoStepsAhead34 · 27/01/2021 19:07

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Lizadork · 27/01/2021 19:12

Sorry, missed that both are expats so you are not currently in UK either? Big gamble to get your pregnant and hope you let him follow you home/agree to marry etc. I think now maybe joking or could just be more serious avoutyou than you think, or given age difference - a child would make it harder to leave relationship?

Rgy3250999 · 27/01/2021 19:12

I wouldn’t trust a word he said and the friend sounds just as strange! Who plays along with the pregnancy joke like that when you’re practically a stranger. If my friend had said that, I’d be saying how weird that was!

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:14

@hereyehearye

You sound extremely naive. Of course he's after a visa. As for marriage, he'd suggest it once you got pregnant.

End it now and stay away from him.

I was unaware foreign nationals could claim rights to stay/get residence however you want to put it by having a child there, so I was focused on the marriage thing (that would've immediately made me think "visa hunter") .. plus he apparently has the right to live and work here so why would he seek a UK visa .. another option/better opportunities are the only reasons i can think of off the top of my head.

Bug I don't understand why he'd ever think I'd go for it; I'm not long here, my age, the fact I'm not settled in a permanent job; just working abroad for a year or two for the experience, I don't get it. Not to mention he's really jumped the gun if that's his aim; does he not realise most women would want to be in a relationship fir more than a couple of months before having a child with someone.

I've been made aware of the views of some men in the country neighbouring his of "western women" i.e. all on the pill at 15, while girls here have a curfew til.tgyre married - was one memorable comment.

I suppose I've confirmed a possible view that we're promiscuous by getting into a sexual relationship quite quickly, maybe he thinks I'd have a baby as easily/quickly outside marriage too .. talk about culture clash, if that's the case.

OP posts: