Confused; Casual bf wants to have a baby with me

[gaijinetal]

I should make it clear; I'm not confused about whether to have a baby with him (nope), I'm confused about why he wants to.

We're both expats as such, I'm from the UK, he's from a West African country but has been living & working here for several years, my neighbour, his friend (from the same county) introduced us.
He was very keen from the start, I was flattered but cautious and got involved partly because I'm a bit lonely tbh (and he's v attractive ) but saw it as fairly casual. There are things about him that make me think he's not exactly backward inn coming forward with women .. another reason I've seen it as casual.

He recently said he wanted to have a baby with me, which totally surprised me and made me think wtf. We've only been seeing each other for a couple of months roughly. I said very little, but it's been raised again - in a weird sort of jokey way, with his mate/my neighbour while in the car (he jokily his friend to open the door for me because "she's pregnant you know" and his friend played along saying things like "oh, is she, I'll be careful" or words to that effect).

I was not amused and it was obvious so they didn't carry on, buft wtf could this be about?

I'd previously asked him if he had any kids (he's a good bit older than me, he's been sheepish and vague about his age, I'm guessing he's late 30s, I'm early 20s) and he said no. That a previous gf had had a termination but that was it.

At first I thought it might be something to do with being "older" and not having had any kids yet; because I know from doing a placement in the country bordering his that people tend to have kids relatively young, and it's common to meet guys who have several children by his age. That he's somehow putting himself under pressure to catch up and he's gotten carried away. But I'm really mind boggled. I also wondered about visa issues but he apparently has a visa to work here, in a developed, pretty wealthy country so .... ?

It has put me off continuing the relationship tbh, but I didn't want to end it in a kneed jerk reaction. I felt like I was being manipulated/stage managed in that car and I'm dwelling on it.

Wonder was he lying about not having kids too.

He "apparently" has a visa to remain - more likely not, or short stay/very conditional. Get out of this "relationship" while you can, before he embroils you in any residency issues.

@gaijinetal

If that's the case, I feel sorry for her.

I've had the impression, even from our casual, not long involvement, that he has other women in the go. I've been so laid back and distracted (because I didn't see it as going anywhere) that he's been indiscrete about some things that made me think he gets around.

Hedging his bets, casual attitude towards women and commitment is classic. Hope you use condoms and het checked for stis regularly,

Run run run

@LIZS

He "apparently" has a visa to remain - more likely not, or short stay/very conditional. Get out of this "relationship" while you can, before he embroils you in any residency issues.

All I know is he's been here quite a few years, has a local driving license, speaks the language pretty well, and when he wasn't making enough money out of his previous work, he was (or told me he was anyway) placed in a factory type job by the unemployment office here; seems like he has residence here.

He’s shady. Probably has several kids, possibly a wife. That staged thing about you being pregnant, and talking about having a baby- he doesn’t see you as a whole person, just a role to play. He does not love or respect you. He would be awful, neglectful and then fuck off when you were pregnant or had the baby. Whatever he felt like.

I'd be a bit wary of the neighbour, too. He introduced you - he must have had an idea of what this guy was after. Don't buy a used car from him...

He could apply for settlement after 5 years in the UK as a parent. I think the 'until the age of 18' may have been part of the EEA immigration rules.

Not saying he's definitely 100% after a visa, it could also he that he wants a family and has decided 'you'll do', not really caring much about who you are or what you want. That conversation pretending you were pregnant could have been really embarrassing for some women, especially if, as you mention, it's a conservative country.

For some men, it's not about having a baby, it's about getting women pregnant. Some sort of crazy macho ego boost.

Maybe he's a 'breeder'
Maybe he wants loads of unprotected sex
Maybe he wants to control you
Maybe he wants to be tied to you for life
Maybe he thinks you'd be a good mother and he wants a kid

That staged thing about you being pregnant, and talking about having a baby- he doesn’t see you as a whole person, just a role to play. He does not love or respect you.

It's a short, casual "relationship" so I wouldn't expect him to love me tbh (I don't love him) but pursuing someone with the intention of using them for a visa, and trying to bring a child into the world (a child I doubt you have intentions of looking after to any great extent) to get a visa ...... What can you say.

I know it's easy from the perspective of someone born in the priveleged position of being a national in a developed country with welfare; but it seems like he's got those advantages here (not sure how welfare would stack up,I'd say they're harsher than the UK for example) .. possibly though marriage, so it's not like he's desperate or deprived. He's driving around in a wannabe sports car, well dressed, seems to have a reasonable amount of leisure time (well he did when he worked self employed).

But it has answered questions about why he was do so super keen early on. I was flattered but a bit mystified. My guess was that I was perhaps a novelty (race etc. wise), perhaps "high status" to he and his friend because his country of origin tends to look to the UK as being that great power (having been a British colony), of just the excitement of a new potential conquest ... Im not unattractive but I didn't understand why he seemed so incredibly keen, I felt almost hunted.

Looks like he was hunting, and not just for a sexual conquest .

I would get far away from this man now.

Who cares what his motives are? And feeling 'flattered' is dumb. Don't ever feel flattered by men wanting to use you for whatever reasons of their own.

Wise up and move on. Fast.

@Bluetrews25

I'd be a bit wary of the neighbour, too. He introduced you - he must have had an idea of what this guy was after. Don't buy a used car from him...

Yes, I think he's in on it.

I don't know how willingly but he was just about playing along with the car conversation.

From interactions with some guys from the neighbouring country that I did a placement in, I know that it's common in their culture to have a bro's before ho's thing (sorry about that phrase but it fits) .. they cover for each other and back.esch other up. Women are yo be manipulated and stage managed to some extent. Obviously you don't want to tar everyone with the same brush, and I'm very outgoing & friendly which is why I spoke to the friend/my neighbour and became friendly when we met outside the apartments but ... Maybe I should have stayed polite but not gotten involved in any way.

And feeling 'flattered' is dumb. Don't ever feel flattered by men wanting to use you for whatever reasons of their own.

Not the most tactful, are you.

I didn't think he wanted to.use me for anything other than sex & company ... And since that's all I wanted to "use" him for, I was flattered/happy to have such a convenient opportunity with a hot guy.

So, what are you going to do ?

Could be a control thing. Lots of abusive men like to get women up the duff so as to make her more vulnerable.

I'm increasingly convinced it is visa related. I've seen quite a bit of behaviour in the country neighbouring their country of origin like this - though it was all marriage stuff (I didn't know about the parent/child thing).

The more I think about everything, it fits. I suspect he's married here too and the lady dropped him off that time is not his boss's wife. One of the reasons is his mentioning it/explaining who she was without me even asking.

I feel like fitting him up with her, but I don't have full contact details for him, and I'm not sure how I'd go about getting them for him/her. I'd have to involve native speakers and I don't really want to. Also surely age already suspects (?)

And from the culture here, I'd say she wouldn't leave. I'd just be making her miserable (and perhaps be disbelieved anyway. I can imagine being portrayed as the odd little foreign girl who lives in her own near his mate and who's got some sort of crush on him and wants to break his marriage up; I can imagine what lies etc would've told).

It's probably best to just stay clear. I feel like calling him out but he'll just deny it. The sad thing is I've found him nice enough is some ways, he's helped me out once with money when I overestimated how much I could send home to pay off my overdraft and had a v tight month; but this ..
Nah. It's too offensive/shitty to even be acquaintances after.

I saw it as a casual, convenient thing that would Peter out anyway.

I’m an immigrant. A visa to work here doesn’t easily lead to the right to settle here permanently. A child makes it much harder to refuse because you can’t split up families on human rights grounds.

Past the anger/offence, I could almost laugh at the irony of a guy like him thinking yes going to get someone like me (would use two forms of contraception, and if I had the slightest doubt be panicking to the pharmacy for the map too) to get pregnant a few short months into a casual (non) relationship. He really picked the wrong mark.

Also it has occurred to me if I blow this up, I'll probably miss out on his friend/my neighbour's TV and furniture, which he's clearing out to be when he relocates (emigrating to Canada where some of his family already are) soon .

@mindutopia

I’m an immigrant. A visa to work here doesn’t easily lead to the right to settle here permanently. A child makes it much harder to refuse because you can’t split up families on human rights grounds.

I wonder how long they have to keep up the act of interested, committed father (and partner) before they're considered part of the child's life, with a right to continue to see them.

gaijnetal, if you like this man, speak frankly to him and tell him that you have no intention of becoming pregnant at any time in the near future. If he was joking, fair enough but impress upon him that the joke was inappropriate. Then raise your other suspicions, encourage him to be truthful. Tell him you do not regard the relationship as the 'real deal'.

After all that, if he opens up, he either gets his marching orders or you stay friends and just enjoy each other's company for what it is.

Then she's dating him and he's changed her name (not legally, just in usage), think eg Francesca to Frances (she wasn't happy with it) eroding her identity, next thing she's pregnant and well under his thumb.

Have you two fallen out of contact?

Sounds like she could do with some friends to turn to if she needs to.

He sounds like a loony tune.

@LizFlowers

gaijnetal, if you like this man, speak frankly to him and tell him that you have no intention of becoming pregnant at any time in the near future. If he was joking, fair enough but impress upon him that the joke was inappropriate. Then raise your other suspicions, encourage him to be truthful. Tell him you do not regard the relationship as the 'real deal'.

After all that, if he opens up, he either gets his marching orders or you stay friends and just enjoy each other's company for what it is.

Like many people, he's got good features however, if what I suspect re. his reason for raising this laughable pregnancy/baby suggestion is the case; and if he is indeed married, to that older native lady who dropped him off (who he went out of his way to say is his boss's wife) .... I don't fkg like him.

Messing around with other women while in a casual situationship is one thing (and I've said nothing about clues he's dropped that we're not exclusive, nor have I raised an exclusivity conversation - because I didn't really care and didn't think it would be more than a fling) but cheating on some unsuspecting, sincere local woman (and people here tend to be very straight and almost naive compared to many other cultures) he's married to, making me unknowingly one if his bits oh the side; is another.

Then there's the predatory, exploitative, treating me like I'm a dumb ass, apparent bid for a UK visa. And potentially involving an innocent child. Fuck him.

(I also think his attitude smacks of the one I encountered towards western women in the sane region he's from - we're all promiscuous, lax, not protected or kept under control by our foolish parents etc . Apparently he thinks not only that I'm that, but that it must follow I'll have children outside marriage with some bloke I'm not even in a long-term, serious, tested relationship with. That I wouldn't think about finances, or stability, or my family's opinion - like wtf?

I couldn't be friends in those circumstances.

And tbh I wouldn't/couldn't continue to have sex, and he strikes me as being like many blokes; not interested in non sexual relationships with women (who are not his relatives obviously).