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Original poster

Confused; Casual bf wants to have a baby with me

113 replies

gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 18:06

I should make it clear; I'm not confused about whether to have a baby with him (nope), I'm confused about why he wants to.

We're both expats as such, I'm from the UK, he's from a West African country but has been living & working here for several years, my neighbour, his friend (from the same county) introduced us.
He was very keen from the start, I was flattered but cautious and got involved partly because I'm a bit lonely tbh (and he's v attractive Blush) but saw it as fairly casual. There are things about him that make me think he's not exactly backward inn coming forward with women .. another reason I've seen it as casual.

He recently said he wanted to have a baby with me, which totally surprised me and made me think wtf. We've only been seeing each other for a couple of months roughly. I said very little, but it's been raised again - in a weird sort of jokey way, with his mate/my neighbour while in the car (he jokily his friend to open the door for me because "she's pregnant you know" and his friend played along saying things like "oh, is she, I'll be careful" or words to that effect).

I was not amused and it was obvious so they didn't carry on, buft wtf could this be about?

I'd previously asked him if he had any kids (he's a good bit older than me, he's been sheepish and vague about his age, I'm guessing he's late 30s, I'm early 20s) and he said no. That a previous gf had had a termination but that was it.

At first I thought it might be something to do with being "older" and not having had any kids yet; because I know from doing a placement in the country bordering his that people tend to have kids relatively young, and it's common to meet guys who have several children by his age. That he's somehow putting himself under pressure to catch up and he's gotten carried away. But I'm really mind boggled. I also wondered about visa issues but he apparently has a visa to work here, in a developed, pretty wealthy country so .... ?

It has put me off continuing the relationship tbh, but I didn't want to end it in a kneed jerk reaction. I felt like I was being manipulated/stage managed in that car and I'm dwelling on it.

OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 27/01/2021 19:15

Eurgh, no, all kinds of creepy. You don't even know how old he is!! No no n no. I'd also be worrying about him using you for a visa.

alwayslearning789 · 27/01/2021 19:20

VISA

Dont even THINK about it.

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:21

@TwoStepsAhead34

You are incredibly naive!! As soon as you said West Africa, I stopped reading. He can claim residency when he has a kid. And he will be running to the hills when he has that and you won't get any support at all from him! RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I take it I'd have to cooperate with the whole thing til he got it though - have him to visit regularly/live with me etc. and tell the authorities he acts as a parent to the theoretical child? That's quite a bet.

He'd also have to be able to afford expensive flights back and forward, he'd only have limited time off work (this is a "virtually no holidays" working culture here, I only get half decent ones because it's a British firm), I presume he couldn't work in the UK until after he got a visa, who would be keeping us (me, having just had a baby, expensive childcare, not in a career yet??). This boggles my mind.

OP posts:
AmberItsACertainty · 27/01/2021 19:22

Could be a control thing, a way to tie you to him for the next 18yrs whether you're together or not, a way to keep you under his thumb, hard to get upto much when you've a baby glued to your side, harder to remain independent and have a job etc, put other men off you because you've a child. I think there's some men out there who see getting a partner pregnant as kind of stamping ownership on them. Maybe thinks you'd be more likely to marry him if you had a child together, if he's secretly angling for marriage, which he could be if lying/being cagey about his age (if he sees massive age gap as a reason for you rejecting him).

Listen to your instincts. If you feel "set up" you probably were. Telling people you're already pregnant (or whatever else he wants to happen) can be a way of getting you to accept/adjust to it, not fight it. It makes it awkward for you if you have to say to people no I'm not pregnant, no miscarriage never was pregnant etc. Puts you in a situation where it's easier to go along with it and one day oops it's suddenly true. If you carry on sleeping with him make sure you sort out your own contraception regardless of what he's doing, I wouldn't trust him not to sabotage it.

Friend from years ago had a control freak boyfriend, much older, told everyone he touched her boob (never happened) when she slipped in mud and he caught her, created a sort of false intimacy around them nobody questions him spending more and more time hanging round her though it made her uneasy to start with. Then she's dating him and he's changed her name (not legally, just in usage), think eg Francesca to Frances (she wasn't happy with it) eroding her identity, next thing she's pregnant and well under his thumb. Watch out OP.

Love51 · 27/01/2021 19:22

A marriage could (would, from the sound of it) break down. If you were to birth his child then so long as he can evidence that the child knows who he is then he won't get deported. He doesn't have to actively parent the child, sporadic contact will be enough.

alwayslearning789 · 27/01/2021 19:24

"I felt like I was being manipulated/stage managed in that car and I'm dwelling on it."

You were being stage managed. Please don't fall for it. Oldest Trick in the book.

Get out of there quick.

GreenlandTheMovie · 27/01/2021 19:24

Some men get off on having kids with different women and leaving them to bring them up, happy in the knowledge that they are spreading their genes.

He sounds like an awful choice of father - you barely know him, you don't think he's faithful, he isn't even boyfriend material, you don't know how old he is and he's here temporarily.

If you were to have unprotected sex, sounds like you would be risking an STD or worse.

Carysmatthews · 27/01/2021 19:26

Sounds like an episode of 90 days.

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:26

@LonginesPrime

Not sure where you're living, OP, but if he's telling other people you're pregnant, another possibility is that he has a child already and he's trying to convince an ex that he has another child to reduce child maintenance payments (assuming that would make a difference under the rules where you are).
You would think any cm/cs agency would need solid proof of another child though (?)

I don't know what the arrangements are here, it's not an easy country to learn about laws etc if you don't speak the language. i

(It's fairly conservative and people don't tend to have kids outside marriage or divorce often anyway but that's by the by(.

OP posts:
Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:28

@Love51

A marriage could (would, from the sound of it) break down. If you were to birth his child then so long as he can evidence that the child knows who he is then he won't get deported. He doesn't have to actively parent the child, sporadic contact will be enough.
Good point.
OP posts:
CaraDuneRedux · 27/01/2021 19:31

He thinks he would get a visa.

(In fact he wouldn't - I have a friend in this situation for legitimate reasons. The best he'd get would be leave to remain while the child was under 18. The home office are like rabid dogs on this sort of issue.)

TreacleHart · 27/01/2021 19:33

Also a few men like to have ' baby mothers ' , a woman they will have sex with , father a child with , but no intention of taking that relationship further . Without being rude , basically a notch on the bedpost . Tbh I'd stop sleeping with him immediately.

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:34

@GreenlandTheMovie

Some men get off on having kids with different women and leaving them to bring them up, happy in the knowledge that they are spreading their genes.

He sounds like an awful choice of father - you barely know him, you don't think he's faithful, he isn't even boyfriend material, you don't know how old he is and he's here temporarily.

If you were to have unprotected sex, sounds like you would be risking an STD or worse.

I was not and would not consider having a child with him. I was totally taken aback and mind boggled when he said it. At first I thought it was cultural differences or something. Now that the child-visa info has come up, I'm leaning towards that - in which case lol. He's really jumped the gun if that's the case, he's a pretty poor hustler to have tried that after not even three months (I'm not even sure, as I said I thought we were both having a fling).

As an aside he doesn't appear to be here temporarily; he's been here years, driving license, speaks the language decently, and was put on the government job thingy (!) and given a factory job when his previous jobs weren't bringing in enough to make ends meet.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 27/01/2021 19:35

Put your Forest Gump trainers on and run, run, run. It all sounds very, very dodgy.

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:36

@CaraDuneRedux

He thinks he would get a visa.

(In fact he wouldn't - I have a friend in this situation for legitimate reasons. The best he'd get would be leave to remain while the child was under 18. The home office are like rabid dogs on this sort of issue.)

Actually relieved to hear that; it seems like a crappy loophole. People could play the interested father til they got residence (or whatever it's properly called) and then do f a fir the mum and child.
OP posts:
AmberItsACertainty · 27/01/2021 19:36

Also "why now, far from home, no support". For exactly those reasons, alongside low self esteem, desire to feel loved, men don't want babies so he must really love you etc etc etc. Some women would do it thinking he was a serious partner and The One. And "not mentioned marriage" no and it's been very effective hasn't it you're still around not run for the hills yet! He's overestimated your naivety I'd say.

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:40

Imagine bringing children into the world to get a visa for somewhere .... ShockConfused.

Well I suppose that's an easy perspective when you've been born in a developed, welfare state.

But he's apparently got residence here so it's not like he's desperate. Why is he seeking another visa for a developed country, does he want a collection (!)

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 27/01/2021 19:40

Op, my guess would be he married someone in the US. That didn't secure him a green card so he moved to the U.K.

He can't marry if he isn't divorced. But if he has a child here, he has a right to a family life. Which gives him residency here. But no legal obligation to provide for his child.

Run and don't stop!

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:44

@AmberItsACertainty

Also "why now, far from home, no support". For exactly those reasons, alongside low self esteem, desire to feel loved, men don't want babies so he must really love you etc etc etc. Some women would do it thinking he was a serious partner and The One. And "not mentioned marriage" no and it's been very effective hasn't it you're still around not run for the hills yet! He's overestimated your naivety I'd say.
Oh the flip side, why would he think a girl who's prepared to go and work on the other side of the world, live independently, travel in surrounding region etc. .. be a likely candidate to have a child in her early 20s, before trying to establish a career etc.??

This must be culture clash/ignorance or just not thinking anything through because you're overwhelmed by avarice (visa avarice).

OP posts:
Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:47

Also I'd be far more likely to run for the hills at the mention of pregnancy/children than marriages. Marriages can theoretically be undone, a child cannot.

OP posts:
Bingalingo · 27/01/2021 19:49

@gaijinetal

Imagine bringing children into the world to get a visa for somewhere .... ShockConfused.

Well I suppose that's an easy perspective when you've been born in a developed, welfare state.

But he's apparently got residence here so it's not like he's desperate. Why is he seeking another visa for a developed country, does he want a collection (!)

I think the key word is apparently OP.

Given that he's been sheepish about his age yet seemingly keen to have a baby, I would treat everything you hear with a healthy dose of skepticism...

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:51

@Mintjulia

Op, my guess would be he married someone in the US. That didn't secure him a green card so he moved to the U.K.

He can't marry if he isn't divorced. But if he has a child here, he has a right to a family life. Which gives him residency here. But no legal obligation to provide for his child.

Run and don't stop!

I think you are a very clever lady.

That could be why he's gone for baby and not marriage.

But it could be someone in this country, not in the US. He's gotten to stay here for years and is entitled to use their social security etc system (I presume, from being given a job through the unemployment agency). In fact an older local lady left him off at his friend&s apartment (opposite mine) one day and he told me it was his boss's wife, without me asking.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2021 19:52

You are mad to keep this man in your life in any form. Get as far away from him as you can.

Original poster
gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 19:54

If that's the case, I feel sorry for her.

I've had the impression, even from our casual, not long involvement, that he has other women in the go. I've been so laid back and distracted (because I didn't see it as going anywhere) that he's been indiscrete about some things that made me think he gets around.

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/01/2021 19:56

He "apparently" has a visa to remain Hmm - more likely not, or short stay/very conditional. Get out of this "relationship" while you can, before he embroils you in any residency issues.