What do you think of these messages. Any men on here?

[Caprisun13]

2 days ago the man I was dating for 9 months dumped me in a snappy phone call. He is quite complex and I have been double checking how he feels this week as he's having some problems.

He was quite unkind on the day he did it. After all the good times it was hurtful. I've been going through the last two days feeling quite upset and a little heartbroken.

I don't like nastiness so I text him today and just told him I was feeling sad and hoped he was ok and to always know I cared. Xx

He wrote back I don't know what to say.

So I said I just didn't like what you said to me and hope you actually don't think I never cared as my feelings were real and it's going to be hard for me to move on anytime soon. Xx

He put same for me.

He accidentally pocket dialed me and I answered. He straight away said hello can you hang up I didn't mean to dial. So I did and messaged after to say I feel like I've lost my best friend. Xx

He replied and said

I don't feel to great myself.

I said that I hoped we could be nice about eachother and that we shouldn't leave things on a horrible note as we had such good times together. I said I hoped we could be friends eventually rather than become enemies and awkward.

He put I'm not your enemy.

(I just want to sort things out and not let things linger as everyone is hurting with these things)

So I said.

Based on your short replies it feels like you don't like me at all anymore. If you would like me to cut all contact and leave you alone for good then just say and I'll not contact you anymore.

He put I just don't want any silly messages.

So I put, I accept we are over but I'm asking you to tell me if you want us to completely cut eachother off or if you think it's possible to be friendly in the long run

(share the same friends and it's just nicer if you bump into eachother) (sent him a £30 candle set last week and now he hates me lol)

He wrote back I don't know what to say. I feel useless. I guess just got to get on.

I put why useless?

He said because I thought I was ready to meet someone (2 years single and dealing with his depression)

I said to him well maybe you are but I wasn't right for you (I also told him all his good qualities, wished him well and told him to be positive and he will meet someone right for him soon) I told him to be happy and not get himself down.

He put back an hour later. Sorry I fell asleep. Going to bed.

I just hate how awkward it is. I have some of his clothes here. We've bought eachother gifts. He's got one of my dvds. We've been through so much together and we felt so close. I think his depression got the better of us and he just can't cope with the stress.

So I am not some crazy texter. I wanted to try and discuss further the other day so we could seperate calmly and with respect for eachother. I am fine with whatever I just would rather know.

So in your views. He's not putting kisses anymore. He's replies are short. Blunt. I can tell he doesn't have much to say to me at all. I won't contact him anymore. But I'm worried he's not ok. Should I contact a friend to check in on him. Or do you think he's politely saying I don't want to speak to you. Sod off??

I know he's hurting like I am. I just can't figure out what to do next.

Please be nice.

Just leave him alone. He's dumped you. You were only together nine months. He has some issues -it's not meant to be such hard work at this stage.

Keep your self respect and move on publicly, no matter how you feel in private. He clearly doesn't want to respond to you.

He has some issues -it's not meant to be such hard work at this stage.

I’m not sure he’s the one that has ‘issues’.
He has been honest and upfront. OP is the one dragging it out and making it complicated.

I know it hurts OP but you need to let it go. He doesn’t owe you anything, he’s free to do as he wishes. You need to accept that.

Work on yourself and look after yourself, fill your life with as much enjoyment as possible.

Clearly almost everybody on here would accept being chucked in a brief terse phonecall from a 9 month relationship (9 months is not nothing) with absolute equanimity and a dazzling display of indifference.

Nobody I know in Real Life would.

OP, what you’ve felt and done is totally understandable in the situation - you haven’t humiliated yourself (or if you have, only in front of him, and who really gives a fuck what he thinks at this point). You don’t need to “work on your boundaries” or indeed your “self esteem”. (It always annoys me how glibly this advice is flung around - what do you want her to do, embark on a huge expensive course of counselling, on the basis that she sent a few texts you don’t think she should have when upset?) It is ok to be sad and hurt, and it is absolutely fine to express that. I hate this accusation, almost exclusively levelled at women, that if we express any emotion a man may not want to hear, we are some kind of histrionic psycho. You didn’t harass him - if he found your texts that burdensome he could always block them. Harassing him would be breaking into his house to steal your CD back!

That said, I would stop texting now if I were you, as it won’t get you anywhere and if he keeps replying like that it will just upset you more. If I were you (and I know this is against received advice that one needs to take some unspecified time to heal from a relationship, presumably while working on ones boundaries, self esteem etc), I would get back on the horse - get on tinder or something - it will give you someone to message when you are tempted to message him. If you don’t fancy that, have you got a friend, to whom you could send the messages you want to send to him?

I have seen some threads on here where women are supporting each other in going non-contact with a bloke after the end of the relationship. You might want to have a look - you will get more supportive replies, and some acknowledgement that it doesn’t make you a freak not to instantly be able to shut off your feelings for someone you have been close to.

Your OP made very uncomfortable reading. Next time, when someone finishes a relationship, regardless of whether you think they will miss you/need you, hear them. Say OK and cut contact. You are not their therapist. We don't always get to know a person's reason why it isn't working for them.
Personal possessions of low value, such as clothes and a DVD are irrelevant. Forget about them.

Clearly almost everybody on here would accept being chucked in a brief terse phonecall from a 9 month relationship (9 months is not nothing) with absolute equanimity and a dazzling display of indifference. Nobody I know in Real Life would

What? Of course you accept it. You can’t force someone to date you. The conversation doesn’t need to be lengthy. It’s it’s over and ideally this is why.

You don’t need to accept it with equanimity and indifference, no one said that, the discussion is not about how you react, but you do need to accept it and not hassle the person by text after it.

The best thing you can do now is have no contact with him. If you continue, he will end up being very blunt and rude to you. I am speaking from experience here! At the time it felt horrible, but older and wiser me can look back at younger me and see why it happened that way. Don't feel bad about the messages you have already sent - there are a lot of emotions involved in a break up and sometimes they can send the most balanced of us a bit loopy. But the best thing you can do is have no more contact. In fact, if you want to have a good relationship to him in the future, I would say it is essential. You can't just move from a romantic relationship to friends. You need a break of at least a few months before that might be possible, if at all.

I hate this accusation, almost exclusively levelled at women, that if we express any emotion a man may not want to hear, we are some kind of histrionic psycho. You didn’t harass him - if he found your texts that burdensome he could always block them.

Actually, if this was the other way around and a man had come on here and described sending those messages to a woman when she clearly didn't want them to contact her, he would be handed his arse. He would definitely be told he was harassing her, and to leave her alone because she doesn't need a reason to end the relationship.

Leave it here. He is not interested in you as a friend or otherwise. He is replying to be polite but you keep on going. It's hard but let go.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I hate this accusation, almost exclusively levelled at women, that if we express any emotion a man may not want to hear, we are some kind of histrionic psycho. You didn’t harass him - if he found your texts that burdensome he could always block them.

Actually, if this was the other way around and a man had come on here and described sending those messages to a woman when she clearly didn't want them to contact her, he would be handed his arse. He would definitely be told he was harassing her, and to leave her alone because she doesn't need a reason to end the relationship.

Agree this is not about gender or expressing emotions. It’s about hassling someone after they ended it. And if a man had posted he was doing it the responses would be way way harsher.

People have been kind ans told the op she needs to stop now. And she does. No good can come from what she’s doing. He doesn’t want her to keep contacting him with these texts and she’s not entitled to do so.

OP I think you should just leave it alone now. It’s best you cut al contact and not have him be rude to you (which would be called for as you’re kind of now behaving in an annoying and needy way).
Don’t bother about his DVD, clothes etc. if you have any of his stuff you think he’ll need and you don’t mind spending money, get a courier to drop it off at his. Leave this guy alone and move on. Trust me it’s best for you. I know it sucks but I guess it’s time to move on. Don’t check on him, let the therapists do their job!

I'm sorry he's broken up with you, it's always painful initially.

But in all honesty you're texting him too much. He doesn't want to be with you. Nothing you say will change that. Being friends isn't necessary. His short messages are his (immature) way of telling you to end the conversation.

Move on. He obviously wants to and I think you'd be happier if you cut contact for a while.

Put down the phone and stop embarrassing yourself.

@VodselForDinner

Put down the phone and stop embarrassing yourself.

I think that’s harsh. Maybe true but still harsh.

It is hard when a relationship ends to let go sometimes. And the op is stuggling to let go. She’s wanting any contact from him, and is being all emotional about it. Of course he’s not going to find it remotely attractive or make him change his mind. No one likes needy or clingy. And when you’re feeling bad already for ending it. It just makes you want to cringe yourself inside out.

She’s giving it “I know he’s not ok, I know he’s hurting” which is all a bit self indulgent. He just wants her to stop with the needy clingy texts and is trying to be polite in handling it, but basically at the same time trying to tell her to stop.

OP, what you’ve felt and done is totally understandable in the situation - you haven’t humiliated yourself (or if you have, only in front of him, and who really gives a fuck what he thinks at this point). You don’t need to “work on your boundaries” or indeed your “self esteem”. (It always annoys me how glibly this advice is flung around - what do you want her to do, embark on a huge expensive course of counselling, on the basis that she sent a few texts you don’t think she should have when upset?) It is ok to be sad and hurt, and it is absolutely fine to express that. I hate this accusation, almost exclusively levelled at women, that if we express any emotion a man may not want to hear, we are some kind of histrionic psycho. You didn’t harass him - if he found your texts that burdensome he could always block them. Harassing him would be breaking into his house to steal your CD back!

But this isn't in the least what I'm saying, @Lovelydiscusfish I'm perfectly up for a woman expressing her anger at being summarily dismissed from a relationship by a 'snappy' phone call after nine months. My issue is that the OP isn't expressing her anger or hurt, which she would be entirely entitled to do, she's in fact continuing a damaging pattern which sounds as if it was set during the relationship, where he's 'complex' and depressive, and she's bustling around 'checking in' on him he's ditched her abruptly, and is clearly irritated by her continual messaging, but she's still contacting him to say how worried she is about him, hoping he's OK and thinking about getting a friend to check in on him.

I don't think this is a healthy model for a relationship or the end of one, and while the OP can't do anything about the behaviour of her ex, I do think she should recognise that she appears to have adopted the role of nurse to his tormented depressive throughout their relationship, and is now continuing it after their break up, and that she should ensure it doesn't become a pattern.

And yes, I do think it's gendered. Women are still overwhelmingly socialised to be 'carers', and it's far harder to imagine a man continuing to cluck worriedly about whether a woman who has just abruptly ditched him is OK.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I hate this accusation, almost exclusively levelled at women, that if we express any emotion a man may not want to hear, we are some kind of histrionic psycho. You didn’t harass him - if he found your texts that burdensome he could always block them.

Actually, if this was the other way around and a man had come on here and described sending those messages to a woman when she clearly didn't want them to contact her, he would be handed his arse. He would definitely be told he was harassing her, and to leave her alone because she doesn't need a reason to end the relationship.

Absolutely this. An ex of mine behaved the way the OP has outlined in her first post and I felt increasingly harassed, was therefore increasingly cold in my responses, eventually blocked him and then a friend told me he contacted her after I had done so to say he was worried about me as I stopped replying to him?!

Funnily enough the reason I ended it was because he was more into me than I was to him to the extent I felt I would be a dick to continue the relationship and stop him finding someone who would feel appreciated rather than suffocated by his behaviour.

I explained we weren't a good match and that the relationship wasn't for me as the connection wasn't right for me. He took it upon himself to translate that to me being deep, mysterious, in need of opening up, being scared of commitment... and dug and dug a bit like OP when sometimes the simple truth is that you aren't a good match and the other person doesn't want or need to character assassinate, they just don't want to continue the relationship.

It is not romantic, caring or supportive to continue demanding or expecting explanations from adults on their decisions. It is disrespectful and overstepping boundaries. He has responded rather than instantly blocking but she isn't taking his honesty that he doesn't want to speak any more as a valid answer.

Hopefully she will now.

Cut contact. Stop messaging completely. If you bump in to him say hello and keep walking. You are embarrassing yourself with these texts.

I hate this accusation, almost exclusively levelled at women, that if we express any emotion a man may not want to hear, we are some kind of histrionic psycho. You didn’t harass him - if he found your texts that burdensome he could always block them.

I believe that the majority of PPs on here aren’t saying what they’re saying because they think the OP is a psycho that needs serious help and the ex had a lucky escape etc - it’s because she is going to be the one who gets hurt in the long run.
She obviously can’t see anything wrong with the amount of texts which is why she came on MN.
Either he is going to say something hurtful to get her to stop texting or he’s going to end up using her because he knows she’s desperate to keep him in her life.

Many of us have been in OPs situation before and it sucks and the longer she lets it go on for the worse it will be for her.

It is better she hears it from strangers on MN who’ve been in that position rather than the ex or his new gf which is going to hurt a hell of a lot more!

He started messaging me this morning and called so he was hurting and he's opened up to me today.

As I said he has bad depression and he doesn't react to things the way most do. He gets hurt easier. He takes things to heart easier. He Shuts down and self destructs.

Sometimes if you leave him alone and don't let him know you care he sits home thinking and pulling himself to pieces.

Thanks for the replies anyhow.

He's not ready for a relationship. Let him sort his depression out without any further complication. The more you interact with him, the more chances he has to take things to heart. Stop picking at the scab and leave him alone to heal.

@ravenmum

He's not ready for a relationship. Let him sort his depression out without any further complication. The more you interact with him, the more chances he has to take things to heart. Stop picking at the scab and leave him alone to heal.

This. Even if that is all the case, you're enabling him to not learn any coping skills.

When it's over it's over.

OP despite him ringing you earlier please protect yourself and don't keep being available for his calls in the hope he will change his mind. You need to protect yourself from more heartache.

Even if you had continued it sounds like his mental health would be a large and draining element in your relationship - it's not easy being with someone with depression and you could go through extended periods of silence, abruptness and suffering. He might well have done you a favour.

You need to stop messaging and leave him be. He doesn't want to continue and you must respect that. I'm sorry but that all read as a bit desperate just stop now. Give a time limit to yourself and if his not contacted you by then you block him and move on but don't contact him anymore. Good luck

Stop wasting your time on this man and trying to over-analyse messages. He chose to dump you, that is all you need to know.

Oh my lawd this is excruciating. Stop contacting him. Immeadiately. Just leave him alone. He is not interested. He has tried to tell you without being rude but you keep messaging him awkward long emotive messages. Just stop. (Male here.)

@Caprisun13

He started messaging me this morning and called so he was hurting and he's opened up to me today.

As I said he has bad depression and he doesn't react to things the way most do. He gets hurt easier. He takes things to heart easier. He Shuts down and self destructs.

Sometimes if you leave him alone and don't let him know you care he sits home thinking and pulling himself to pieces.

Thanks for the replies anyhow.

You're over analysing and clinging to anything you can. Stop. Stop messaging, stop answering the relationship is over.