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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I didn't consent to this **MNHQ content warning**

110 replies

solutionneeded · 26/01/2021 16:07

I've been going over this for a few days now and I'm still feeling very uneasy. Me and my partner have been together 3 years, but do not live together. I've been on antibiotics and so had told me partner (support bubbled before anyone jumps down my throat) that we needed to use a condom (which he dislikes) as the antibiotics could stop the cough pill working. Sorry for TMI but he said he would put one on in a min and inserted himself into me. He didn't really give me a chance to say no and stupidly I let him go with it for a couple of minutes, I then said to him, please stop and put one on, he ignores me carried on for another 10 seconds and came and said it was my fault as my voice is sexy. I feel so angry at myself for letting him even start sex with no condom and even angrier at him for not listening to my wishes. I feel so upset that he thinks this is ok and doesn't respect my wishes. I've told him how angry I am and haven't seen him since Sunday (this happened Saturday evening). I've taken the morning after pill.

OP posts:
Original poster
solutionneeded · 27/01/2021 14:46

I've left a message with a sexual assault
Referral centre to report. He's been very nasty to me today over messages and has been very dismissive of what I've said about sexual assault. I don't think he cares or sees that he's done anything wrong and this needs to be the motivation for me to leave for good. I've cried all night and again all day today. I've told my friend and sister what has happened.

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 27/01/2021 15:28

Please please please block him. Don't read the messages. And whatever you do don't reply.
Keep them and report him for harassment.
Th police will take it seriously.
I didn't know you could report for this but you can and I wish I had much much earlier when it all started for me.

Silenceisgolden20 · 27/01/2021 15:29

He won't see what he has does as wrong. He will never see your side.
Get away from him for good. You can do it, keep your support.

billy1966 · 27/01/2021 16:30

He raped you and he doesn't care.

He is utter scum.

Well done OP for taking back control and for contacting a unit for sexual assault.

This will help you process this.

He is a rapist.
By reporting him you are helping others even if you don't go ahead.

Information helps the police do their job.

He has form.

I'm so glad you have reached out for support IRL.

Please keep posting.
Flowers

Itstimetoquit · 31/01/2021 16:14

@solutionneeded, how are you x

namitynamechange · 31/01/2021 17:30

@solutionneeded

He wants a child and I don't. I had a termination last year which he knows about. I think the only reason the relationship has lasted so long is because of lockdown. I hear what all you're saying and it makes sense.
You SHOULD leave him. But if you dont, get the mirena coil inserted immediately, and don't tell him. Otherwise you will keep havingmisunderstandings, burst comdoms, birth control pills going missing etc until you are pregnant.
namitynamechange · 31/01/2021 17:31

So sorry, I thought I had read the whole thread but missed your updates, ignore the advice above, clearly you are well on top of this!

Original poster
solutionneeded · 02/02/2021 23:01

I went to the sexual assaults referral centre on Friday and had an internal exam and did a statement. I've decided at this moment in time I do not want to press charges, but they can keep records at the centre for up to seven years and the centre can also send the details anonymously to the police, which would come up against his name if someone did a Clare's law, it helps build a picture and there is plenty more on him from previous partners too. The centre has also sent my details to be heard at a MARAC meeting where it will be assessed what other help they can offer. I'm hoping to get an IDVA so I can leave for good.

From my previous message he was being very nasty, but as soon as I said I was done he has been chasing me and trying to love bomb. I'm staying nice to him, but not seeing him, until I can get everything in place to leave. I want to get advice from the IDVA so I can leave safely. Thanks so much for checking in on me.

OP posts:
dublingirl66 · 02/02/2021 23:10

Does he want a Child in order to trap you?

Sounds awful

So sorry this happened xxxx

billy1966 · 03/02/2021 00:09

OP,
You are so brave to have done what you have done.
This is hugely valuable to flag him with the authorities.
I can only imagine how it was but you have no idea who you will be helping.

Did you mean that the police already have reports about him from previous partners?

LouRidley · 03/02/2021 00:12

You did everything right and are now off the hook, I wish you all the best and well done for your courage in this difficult situation Flowers

Crinkletinkle · 03/02/2021 05:35

Well done OP, you are so brave. You have done absolutely the right thing. Make sure you take care of yourself. Do you have support from your friend and sister?

Original poster
solutionneeded · 03/02/2021 11:41

Yes one ex partner had a restraining order because of stalking and harassment and another had issues with stalking, harassing and breaking into a property. He's been desperate to try for a child since I moved out from living with him over a year ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
solutionneeded · 03/02/2021 11:43

I have only found out from previous abuse with ex partners after doing some digging myself

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/02/2021 12:39

I see, all information that will be useful to the police.

OP, you are amazingly brave.

You will survive this and thrive.
👏👏👏

Original poster
solutionneeded · 03/02/2021 13:12

@billy1966

I see, all information that will be useful to the police.

OP, you are amazingly brave.

You will survive this and thrive.
👏👏👏

Thank you, I have never felt so weak or broken in my life.
OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 03/02/2021 15:52

solutionneeded You are braver and stronger than you think you are. Thanks

I was raped by my abusive ex, and karma got him in the end as he died suddenly a short while ago. But I'd already managed 3 years away from him and I've thrived since leaving. You will thrive, too.

Original poster
solutionneeded · 03/02/2021 16:13

My biggest worry is that he will meet someone straight away and parade it in front of me. That would hurt so much and prove to me that I was disposable which is a tough pill to swallow. I've made more calls today and feel like I'm getting support though and moving in the right direction even though it's small steps.

OP posts:
Crystalvas · 03/02/2021 16:30

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. You know the fact that you said stop means he actually raped you. He knew you did’t want it without a condom and continued anyway. Please call you local rape crisis center whereever you are in the world and they’ll tell you the same thing. Let him go OP and seek councilling

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 03/02/2021 16:38

@solutionneeded

My biggest worry is that he will meet someone straight away and parade it in front of me. That would hurt so much and prove to me that I was disposable which is a tough pill to swallow. I've made more calls today and feel like I'm getting support though and moving in the right direction even though it's small steps.
Just feel sorry for the poor girl if this happens, and glad its not you anymore. Some men should come with a health warning.
Tenohfour · 03/02/2021 16:42

This is rape. And if he wants a child and knows you don't, it looks to me like he took his chance. Please leave him :(

caringcarer · 03/02/2021 22:56

He raped you. You should do as poster suggested and send him information on tape then dump him.

wifterwafter · 03/02/2021 23:26

@solutionneeded you are doing so well, I hope you manage to leave him for good.

singlemummanurse · 04/02/2021 06:22

@solutionneeded

My biggest worry is that he will meet someone straight away and parade it in front of me. That would hurt so much and prove to me that I was disposable which is a tough pill to swallow. I've made more calls today and feel like I'm getting support though and moving in the right direction even though it's small steps.
If he did do that I hope you would realise that is not a reflection on you or your worth. It's him op, he's incredibly broken and no one can fix him. He does not see women as partners or equals but as possessions to dominate, control and abuse. Him doing that would be in an effort to punish you for not allowing him to abuse you. He will never be truly happy or feel real love as he is incapable but you will heal from this, get stronger and find someone worthy of you. You are doing so well and are being incredibly strong. Flowers
Original poster
solutionneeded · 04/02/2021 21:11

I've managed to go no contact for 24 hours and have someone calling tomorrow from the IDVA and police.

OP posts: