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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I didn't consent to this **MNHQ content warning**

110 replies

solutionneeded · 26/01/2021 16:07

I've been going over this for a few days now and I'm still feeling very uneasy. Me and my partner have been together 3 years, but do not live together. I've been on antibiotics and so had told me partner (support bubbled before anyone jumps down my throat) that we needed to use a condom (which he dislikes) as the antibiotics could stop the cough pill working. Sorry for TMI but he said he would put one on in a min and inserted himself into me. He didn't really give me a chance to say no and stupidly I let him go with it for a couple of minutes, I then said to him, please stop and put one on, he ignores me carried on for another 10 seconds and came and said it was my fault as my voice is sexy. I feel so angry at myself for letting him even start sex with no condom and even angrier at him for not listening to my wishes. I feel so upset that he thinks this is ok and doesn't respect my wishes. I've told him how angry I am and haven't seen him since Sunday (this happened Saturday evening). I've taken the morning after pill.

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 26/01/2021 16:52

You could report to police bit understand why you may not want to

I don't know if it's possible to contact the police and tell them, this is what happened but I don't want to press charges and know he'd be very unlikely to get convicted for this kind of assault but if he does this or something worse to someone else then I want my story available as collaboration. Men who go out and rape strangers don't start off doing that, they start off pushing the boundaries of women they are in relationships with.

SCALPHELP · 26/01/2021 16:54

Ew, I could never see him in the same light again

You need to dump the toe rag immediately. He completely ignored your medical issues for the sake of him getting off for 10 seconds. Wtf

SCALPHELP · 26/01/2021 16:56

I would genuinely speak to the police (live chat or 101). Don’t get me wrong, it may not lead to arrest or conviction, but they will certainly call him and tell him what he did was wrong.

Aahotep · 26/01/2021 16:56

Who cares how this vile excuse for a man justifies himself? It was wrong.
Please get out of this relationship.

VettiyaIruken · 26/01/2021 16:58

To continue after being told stop is rape. I'm so sorry he did this to you. Flowers

PushBack · 26/01/2021 16:59

You are not an idiot. He, however, is disgusting. Do not carry on any further with this revolting excuse for a man.

OhCaptain · 26/01/2021 17:00

It doesn't matter how forcefully you said no or not.

If a man continues to have sex with you when you don't want it - it's rape.

Would it be prosecuted successfully? No, I don't think so. But we can all agree that lack of prosecution means fuck all when it comes to rape.

Regardless, he KNEW what he was doing. He was turned on by you telling him no? That's a rapist.

He wants you pregnant. So he refused to use a condom. This isn't a person you should spend one single second more with.

BringPizza · 26/01/2021 17:01

@YoniAndGuy

Dump him immediately.

And send him a couple of links making it clear that what he did was rape.

This. He's a bastard and you need to get rid. It will be worse next time.
toocold54 · 26/01/2021 17:01

This isn’t about the pill, getting pregnant etc this is about something you said no to as you weren’t comfortable and he ignored you and did it anyway - he has no respect for you!

Don’t even try and explain anything more to him because your opinion obviously doesn’t matter.
Tell him it’s over and block his number.

Gazelda · 26/01/2021 17:01

Oh goodness. I think you've got the message about what this man did to you. How are you feeling? What do you want to do now? Have you got friends you can chat with about this?
I promise you that there's a whole world of women who are wishing they could comfort you right now.

user1488622199 · 26/01/2021 17:04

@solutionneeded

Contraceptive pill not cough pill* I keep googling things but as I let him start sex without a condom I don't think he sees that he is wrong. Even though I was uneasy about it. I should have spoken up more. I'm such an idiot getting myself in this position with him.
Please don’t put this on yourself. You said no right from the start and he pressured you. This isn’t your fault.
ErickBroch · 26/01/2021 17:04

Oh OP this is so upsetting to read I am so sorry. None of this is ok! It is absolutely vile and beyond forgiveness (for me) what he did.

Positivelypatient · 26/01/2021 17:04

What? - 'your voice was so sexy' does that include when you were asking him to STOP, no didn't think so... because he wasn't listening to you at all. He's a piece of shit and you need to end it.

Backbee · 26/01/2021 17:07

He wants a child and I don't

Eurgh he sounds like an absolute arsehole. It sounds like you were clear on the fact that you wanted a condom to be used, please don't be hard on yourself, alongside you actually saying no and stop, in an intimate situation he would have picked up your discomfort; but didn't care. He has zero respect for you, and it is disgusting what he has done. Glad you got the MAP, I would honestly LTB after that.

MaelyssQ · 26/01/2021 17:09

Time to end this relationship - send him a text saying it's over.

EarthSight · 26/01/2021 17:23

This is awful. I'm so sorry that he did this. Don't see him ever again.

it was my fault as my voice is sexy

What I imagine he means by that is that he was getting aroused by you saying 'No' and the conquest and thrill of ejaculation without your consent and with lower protection that followed.

If you get back with him, no matter how sorry he behaves, the message, unfortunately, you will give a man like this is 'Well that was really bad, but not that bad because that's why I still want to see you'. When it comes to sexual respect and safety, you just can't and shouldn't take that risk. 💐

MummytoCSJH · 26/01/2021 17:24

You didn't LET him do anything, he did it without your consent and that's a big problem. Please make sure you're safe and don't stay with him x

solutionneeded · 26/01/2021 17:27

He has a history of emotional manipulation. I do have a text exchange where I told him I didn't consent to sex without a condom and him saying sorry over and over, which I guess could be evidence. If I call the police can it just be on his file or do they have to get in contact with him. I've tried to leave him for two years now and I always end up going back. I hate myself for it.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 26/01/2021 17:30

Take it to the police. If they won't or can't take the case further, say that you at least want it on file, on record in case there is a future case opened on him by another woman.

EarthSight · 26/01/2021 17:30

However, I don't know if they'll contact him or not.

toocold54 · 26/01/2021 17:34

The police will contact him.

BeaSmithers · 26/01/2021 17:38

Is he normally this abusive?

DeusEx · 26/01/2021 17:41

I am so sorry this happened to you OP.

Some practical thoughts following your last message.

In terms of offence, there is the offence of rape, and also potentially the offence of emotional abuse. There have been convictions for actions of this sort globally, but they are admittedly very rare. Often this type of behaviour takes the form of ‘stealthing’ , where the man removes the condom during sex without the woman or other man’s knowledge. Even then it is hard to prove. Sadly sexual offences, especially where there was no violence - which doesn’t minimise at all what happened here - are hard to pursue.

In terms of police contact, you can report it to them. They would interview you - you would be able to have a friend or family member with you under normal circumstances, I don’t know if covid affects that. If you thought that he might do it again, to you or someone else, then it may be worth doing this in order that he’s on their radar and a future allegation may be taken more seriously in that light. It would also support you if you were in due course to apply for an order to stop him contacting you. However, arguably - from a police perspective - the purpose of reporting is so that action can be taken against the offender.

The police would consider whether to take it further, including whether to question him. This could make him realise the enormity of what he has done to you. The decision would then be with the police and CPS on next steps.

You might want to consider a call or email chat with a charity specialising in sexual or domestic abuse, such as the National Centre for Domestic Violence. They can advise you on options, and can help you with some next steps potentially - such as if you wanted detail on what would happen with the police, or if you wanted their help in securing some form of no-contact order.

I hope this helps. Once again, I am so sorry OP.

TedMullins · 26/01/2021 17:42

In my experience (I have reported a rape to the police) they won’t contact him unless you decide to go forward for a prosecution, if you do, they’ll arrest him. If you don’t, I’m not sure what they do with the information in regards to keeping it on file.

NONE of this is your fault. He’s a disgusting specimen who knew exactly what he was doing and clearly has no respect for women or their bodies, or their autonomy. I really hope you can find the strength to leave him and block him for good even if you can’t face going to the police.

SallyTimms · 26/01/2021 17:42

He wants a child and penetrated you without using a condom and didn't stop until he had ejaculated.

Leave him as soon as you can, there are so many alarm bells ringing, op. Sad