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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need some outside perspective

82 replies

Work247 · 24/01/2021 10:15

So there's a few times in my marriage that I've been a bit unsure if it'll last but have been trying to make it work. Two small kids. We both work full time. Latest saga as follows

I'm a nurse, work intensive care and because of covid I've been working a lot - as in 76 hour weeks at times. Husband had a huge go at me for doing nothing in the house re cleaning, because I'm surviving on minimal sleep. I work nights. Eldest goes to nursery presently but I have nowhere for the baby to go so I often have him during the day. I suggested this was unreasonable of him considering how much I work but he wasn't having it. Also criticises when I do clean and tidy because I'm 'not doing it right' but if I try to stand up for myself I'm just 'not seeing it from his point of view'. So as a result I suppose I'm acting off with him and can't bring myself to want to kiss him or whatever. Which he seems to be picking up on.

Struggling a bit mentally with covid - watching people dying much more than usual and just general lockdown blues. But I feel like I'm not allowed to have an off day.

Other issues in our relationship have been

  • him insisting we split bills 50/50 despite him making more money than me at that time and did not see my point of view it should have been split according to earnings
  • has been horrendously drunk on a few occasions and come home shouting and made me feel a bit scared to the point I had to call his mum to help me. Has never been physical with it but certainly shouting. Not sure if my dad being an alcoholic had made me irrationally scared
  • just kinda feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time or I don't bring up things that are upsetting or annoying me because I don't want to start an argument. He never seems to think he's in the wrong.
I'm not perfect. Quite possibly a bit messy round the house due to work and my depressive tendencies. But I try my best all the time

Just at a bit of a loss, feeling miserable and need support or advice from anyone who's been in the same situ. Thanks x

OP posts:
ThatVeganFeminist · 24/01/2021 10:22

You're in an abusive relationship. If you divorce you'll get a fair amount of maintenance and live without treading on eggshells.

travailtotravel · 24/01/2021 10:25

Who made him God? You are eworking long hours, at night, in the front line of a pandemic and can't even sleep? And he expects cleaning too. Fuck that, honestly. I'd think whether you want to save this or not - what is there? - otherwise think you'd get more support from him having to pay CMS and you getting EOW. In the meantime, can you get temporary support like a nanny or cleaner to help with this gap.Money may be an issue but something needs to change and it seems his attitude may take longer to fix than finding a temp solution.

HappyFlamingo · 24/01/2021 10:25

He sounds awful OP. This is supposed to be a partnership - the two of you working together. Not one of you doing your best and getting shouted at and criticised.

seensome · 24/01/2021 10:29

Your better off without him, kick him out, it's not a partnership an you are not his servant.

MrsBobDylan · 24/01/2021 10:30

Well this is a simple one - he is an abusive twat who will make your life utter hell until you leave him.

Notjustabrunette · 24/01/2021 10:33

What you have described sounds fucking awful. I don’t really have any experience with what you are going through but I guess you’re choices are;
Stick with the status quo, and accept this is how your life is.
Tell him exactly how you are feeling, don’t try and soften the blow. You don’t like his drinking because it frightens/triggers you, you are mentally and physically exhausted due to you work and looking after a baby and something had to give (cleaning/him not your main focus) you cannot continue walking in egg shells etc. if he does not accept your point of view you could suggest a third party like a relationship counselor to help mediate the situation. See if things can be worked through/improved.
Or you tell him it’s over because you cannot continue to live like this.
I’ve had a few relationship issues, which me and my husband are working through. One of my main issues was that I felt that he wasn’t on my team. It doesn’t sound like your husband is on your team at the moment, and I think that is fundamental to a relationship.

C0NNIE · 24/01/2021 10:34

So you are doing one of the most stressful and important jobs in the Uk right now, working incredibly long hours.

And on your days off you are looking after a baby and toddler. When you are supposed to be sleeping during the day ( because you are on night shift ) then you still have the baby to care for.

But your husband feels you are not doing enough housework and when you do so, it’s not to a good enough standard.

On top of that - he gets drunk and scares you, he won’t pay his share of the bills and he’s complaining that you don’t want sex with him.

I’ve never been in your situation but my advice would be to get rid of him ASAP. He sounds completely and utterly unreasonable and I can’t see what he is adding to your life. Your kids are tiny and they will adapt well to any new family set up.

You are lucky I don’t know you because I wouldn’t be able to stop myself coming round to have word with him . He should be so VERY PROUD of you and what you are doing every day. He should be falling over himself to do as much as he can in the house and with the kids, you know because you are saving lives.

Selfishly, if I end up ventilated in ICU I’d like to know that my nurse has slept before she came on shift instead of cleaning the house.

pog100 · 24/01/2021 10:37

It's painfully clear from an outside perspective that he is attempting to control you by aggressive and unreasonable behaviour. Luckily you seem to recognise this and are, at least partially, able to stand up for yourself. However, it's highly unlikely to get better, much more likely to get worse, I would be planning an end to the relationship. You are doing a great job of your life in terrible circumstances, he is just being a cunt.

Oldbutstillgotit · 24/01/2021 10:37

Firstly , thank you for all your hard work during this pandemic. I hope your employer is offering support .
If you work at night and have the baby during the day when do you sleep ?
Honestly he sounds like an abusive bully . There is another thread running about a man who is constantly criticising his wife’s standard of cleaning and I find it so depressing that so many women seem to be living with such men . My DSD’s husband leaves her lists of chores with time allocated for each one . Awful.

Heartofgoldmumof2 · 24/01/2021 10:49

It really is so unfair of him. You work 76 hours a week, child care of a baby during the day. No wonder you do want to be intimate and loving towards him when he is so critical.

What cleaning and household tasks does he do?

In the short term to help could you get a cleaner to take the pressure off?

I would itemise the baby child care during the day and bill him for it.

In the longer term get legal advice and have your ducks in a row for if you want to end things.

Itstimetoquit · 24/01/2021 10:54

He sounds horrible,explain how you feel if he won't listen,then make plans for the future seek legal advice!

Original poster
Work247 · 24/01/2021 10:55

Thanks everyone for your input so far.

I do sleep when the baby naps or like my mum will sit with him for a few hours sometimes but I cant rely on her too much because she doesn't keep well.

I wouldn't go to work if I didn't feel safe to, I'd never want to put anyone in danger and we are encouraged to sleep on our breaks at work.

I know if he were telling this from his perspective then I'd likely look like the 'bad guy'. He's currently off 4 days a week due to furlough etc but seems to get resentful of having to do more in the house and with the kids simply because he's there more. I get it, this time sucks for everyone but I can't physically be at home as much as I'd want to.

I often feel like he thinks my job isn't important or because I work at night it doesn't count or something? I don't feel like he's particularly proud of me or anything or has any real clue to what I do in my job.

I just don't know if I'm overreacting or maybe I'm as much of an arsehole as he is. My head is all over the place and I'm just finding it hard to cope. And often if I do have the opportunity to sleep, I can't because I'm anxious of him being annoyed with me for sleeping.

I guess the more I type, the more I'm realising how shitty it is.

OP posts:
Cuntitinthebin · 24/01/2021 10:57

Are the bills still 50/50 now you earn more?

Original poster
Work247 · 24/01/2021 10:58

It's around 50/50 but my income varies per month so we calculate it every month

OP posts:
Cuntitinthebin · 24/01/2021 11:00

Why are you calculating? Do the bills change every month?

C0NNIE · 24/01/2021 11:02

If he’s off 4 days a week why doesn't he look after the baby while you sleep all day?

Grabbing the odd nap and sleeping on your breaks is not a substitute for a decent sleep. I’m very concerned about this because of the long term impact on your physical and mental health.

Of course your head is all over the place, you are under a huge amount of stress.

Original poster
Work247 · 24/01/2021 11:04

No but my income varies by a few hundred every month depending on overtime and things so if I make more, I pay more and if I make less I pay less? If that makes sense

OP posts:
C0NNIE · 24/01/2021 11:06

I have a friend who is a consultant anaesthetist - normally part time but more than full time right now of course.

Her husband is a GP, so yes a key worker but not so busy. He is doing everything at home right now to ease the pressure on her ( their kids are teens so admittedly that’s much easier ).

ApolloandDaphne · 24/01/2021 11:12

What are you doing the cleaning if he is around a lot during the day and could do it?

tootysweety · 24/01/2021 11:13

He’s an absolute prick. Sorry but this is not acceptable. At all. No wiggle room. His behaviour is abhorrent and he needs shutting down. Now. Today. End of. No excuses. No come backs. No more chances. We are all staying in and sacrificing so that people like you can do your job and he’s moaning about the CLEANING! Are you serious? Tell him to leave. Or you leave and leave him on his own. See how he likes all the cleaning then. The LEAST he can do is clean if you’re doing 76 hours a week. I cannot tell you how utterly out of order he is. You’re married to a gigantic arsehole. If he can’t support you now during these times then he needs to GO. You can do better. You are a national fucking treasure. Do not let this guy ruin your life. You are an ICU nurse. You are better than this. You are better than him. You’re made of strong stuff. Get rid. Move into a lovely little easy apartment near work or childcare for you and your kids. Easy to maintain. You don’t need him

tootysweety · 24/01/2021 11:14

He’s off 4 days a week?
Did I just read that right!!!
Can you move in with your mother? Is there anywhere else you can go? You need sleep and support.

tootysweety · 24/01/2021 11:15

I am so annoyed for you

ElectraBlue · 24/01/2021 11:21

''just kinda feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time or I don't bring up things that are upsetting or annoying me because I don't want to start an argument.''

This is always the sign of an abusive relationship.

You need to feel safe and supported in your home environment, especially considering how much stress you must be under in your worklife at the moment.

Get rid of him...he sounds like a selfish and lazy man and you and your kids deserve better.

Seatime · 24/01/2021 11:24

Your 'depressive tendencies' will lift over-night, when you loose the 13 stone weight on your back. And yes, l do mean your abusive husband. With the hours you do, in the job you do, you should be waited on hand and foot, at home like a queen. 🌺

Allispretty · 24/01/2021 11:24

Op this is horrendous you are in an abusive relationship! You need out of this ASAP. This is the 2nd thread I've read within 10 mins about arsehole men and ridiculous cleaning standards!