I need some outside perspective

[Work247]

So there's a few times in my marriage that I've been a bit unsure if it'll last but have been trying to make it work. Two small kids. We both work full time. Latest saga as follows

I'm a nurse, work intensive care and because of covid I've been working a lot - as in 76 hour weeks at times. Husband had a huge go at me for doing nothing in the house re cleaning, because I'm surviving on minimal sleep. I work nights. Eldest goes to nursery presently but I have nowhere for the baby to go so I often have him during the day. I suggested this was unreasonable of him considering how much I work but he wasn't having it. Also criticises when I do clean and tidy because I'm 'not doing it right' but if I try to stand up for myself I'm just 'not seeing it from his point of view'. So as a result I suppose I'm acting off with him and can't bring myself to want to kiss him or whatever. Which he seems to be picking up on.

Struggling a bit mentally with covid - watching people dying much more than usual and just general lockdown blues. But I feel like I'm not allowed to have an off day.

Other issues in our relationship have been

• him insisting we split bills 50/50 despite him making more money than me at that time and did not see my point of view it should have been split according to earnings
• has been horrendously drunk on a few occasions and come home shouting and made me feel a bit scared to the point I had to call his mum to help me. Has never been physical with it but certainly shouting. Not sure if my dad being an alcoholic had made me irrationally scared
• just kinda feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time or I don't bring up things that are upsetting or annoying me because I don't want to start an argument. He never seems to think he's in the wrong.

I'm not perfect. Quite possibly a bit messy round the house due to work and my depressive tendencies. But I try my best all the time

Just at a bit of a loss, feeling miserable and need support or advice from anyone who's been in the same situ. Thanks x

Suggest he pays for a cleaner as he the higher earner or your out! Honestly I'm raging for you!

Thank you for all the work you are doing and I'm so sorry you are in this position

I agree with all the pp.
Please get out and look after yourself.

@tootysweety

He’s off 4 days a week? Did I just read that right!!! Can you move in with your mother? Is there anywhere else you can go? You need sleep and support.

I know cannot believe in reading that! Op he's resentful, likely because he can't work at the minute as well as you doing the most important job in the U.K. at the moment.

You can bet your bottom dollar he knows exactly how difficult your job is at the moment however he'd never praise you for it because he's a narcissistic arsehole, he's an awful man you will be well rid!

2021 diet.

Lose 88 kilos overnight.

Get rid of the wanker that is ruining everything good in your life.

I think lockdowns have shown a lot of people that their relationships aren't equal. You are doing a very tough job and getting no support from the person who should be your team mate, if he won't pull his weight now then he never will.

He’s got some brass neck, off four days a week and berating you for not cleaning or doing it to his satisfaction. Fuck that.

Can you go and sleep at your Mum's, then he can see how easy it is to clean with two small children around ?

I would also be concerned that when he earned more he wanted it to be 50/50, and now you earn more you have to calculate every month how much more you have to pay. This doesn’t seem a fair set up.

DP and I earn roughly similar amounts, so pay 50/50 on everything out of a joint account. We transfer in a set amount each at the beginning of the month to cover it. It should be a partnership, he sounds like he wants it all to his benefit.

If you can’t get him to pick up the slack, and this isn’t something you are prepared to leave him over, can you at least get him to agree to getting a cleaner in if you can afford it?

He is massively abusive OP. Beyond words. No justification whatsoever for him to feel "resentful". He's a deadweight misogynistic abuser who thinks cleaning and childcare is women's work. Vile role model for his children.

Please don't question yourself OP. He is 100% in the wrong here. I hope you can get family help and legal advice asap about removing him from your life.

It’s no wonder you feel depressed, living on naps while working a demanding job for 70+hours a week. That’s unsustainable & you will make yourself sick.

I do think you need to get a cleaner & put the baby in nursery. You will need this if you split up.

He isn’t working full time if he has 4 days off a week.

It sounds like you would be happier if he wasn’t around.

You may be messy but you’re treading water trying to keep yourself afloat.

While living with a messy person would infuriate me, it sounds like there are extenuating circumstances here.

If the marriage was otherwise loving a cleaner & nursery could save it. You need help, to outsource what you can’t manage yourself.

Jesus Christ, you deserve so much better than this. As PP have said you're doing one of the most important jobs in the country right now and not only is he not supporting you in this he's actually criticising and putting you down.

I know what it's like and with all due respect you won't realise how bad this is until you're out of it as you've been conditioned to find it acceptable and blame & question yourself.

I know it's easier said than done especially right now but you will be SO much better off without him. Good luck, you sound amazing x

You should definitely leave him. He sounds just like my ex. Life is much happier, calmer, clearer and fairer without him. He's the one person who should be looking after you most, and he is the most neglectful and hurtful of all. You can't be happy. And what's a marriage without happiness.

He's abusive.

I agree with all the above.

I'm also very worried about your health. You need to be able to sleep after your shifts, especially at the moment.

Hi OP, fellow HCP redeployed to covid ITU, so I understand that part of your circumstances and I absolutely couldn’t cope with your home life at the same time.

I’m just going to post list link in case it’s helpful for you, quick free access to professional therapists for NHS frontline workers, matched to a professional within 48hours.

www.frontline19.com/

I know you may think you don’t have the time to talk to anyone, but it’s so important to make time for your mental health, and it may help to talk to someone impartial about your relationship etc.

Keep going, you are amazing.

Sorry, matched within 7 days, but it offers ongoing weekly support if you need it, it can really help to offload.

Bin him.
Every single point in your op is abusive.
Let alone the additional stress you are under at the moment with your job.
I actually feel heart-broken for you, you are coping with so much and he is being such an arsehole on top.

You are amazing OP and he is a world class cunt.

Sounds like my life 20 years ago ( I was also a nurse doing nights with young kids) and I remember getting sucked in to thinking this was all my fault and being constantly miserable.

Fast forward to now and I'm in a positive long term relationship with a decent person. It took this relationship to understand the previous one was just toxic

BUT I kind of wince when people blithely recommend getting rid of partners and moving on. It's not that easy - for me particularly as a nurse doing shifts with small children and a 'difficult' husband doing his level best to punish me for daring to be tired and dissatisfied. It was an awful time, it's always an awful time - but on balance worth the angst in the long term

The ITU nursing staff are the heroes of the pandemic and I want to thank you for getting up and going in everyday. I can't imagine how difficult your job is with the atmosphere at home.

Your husband should be so proud of you and be grateful that he has furlough so can support you.

I suspect he has such an ego that he can't bear to do housework. It is a very common trait in abusive men who see themselves above household duties. Their entitlement can make them feel resentful and bitter and often they feel controlled because they are asked them to pick up their fair share of the workload.

His attitude to finances isn't surprising, he isn't interested in a mutually beneficial relationship just one where he is never having to put in more contribution.

I am sorry you're in this situation. Rest as much as you can and plan to leave this horrible man.

Thanks everyone. I guess it's pretty unanimous. I was really just doubting myself. Because of course in every argument I'm wrong and I can't win.

You're right. I know you are. I guess I'm a little heartbroken as we've been friends for so long. I guess I assumed everything would work out because of that. Which is stupid really. I don't live in a rom com obvs.

I'll speak to my mum. Luckily they're close by and will help me out.

Thanks for making me seem like I'm not crazy. I've been feeling that way for a long time. Need to work out what to do now. Might save up a bit first as I'm sure he would make everything awkward in divorce proceedings. But you're right. I can't live my life like this.

He sounds awful - controlling and financially abusive.

So each month depending on how much you earn the amount you put in varies - that isnt 50/50 on bills though is it?

Haha no ironically you're right. I think he does it to spite me because I made a big deal about 50/50 being unfair in the first place

@Work247

Haha no ironically you're right. I think he does it to spite me because I made a big deal about 50/50 being unfair in the first place

So some months you pay more than him? Ah op this isn't right at all...it's really tough leaving someone especially the life we are all living at the moment and the pressure you are under at work sometimes we feel like it's easier to just put up with it.

Don't put pressure on yourself when I left ex (ds father) I'd planned it for months, I didn't realise this until a while later though but I was constantly thinking and putting plans in place. I have really supportive family so that helped and I moved in with them until I sorted finances out.

If you can start the conversations with your family now having someone close knowing what's going on and backing you will help you make the push to leave. Stop with the pressure of cleaning the house etc in fact clock out of your relationship now so he starts to sense what's happening. It won't be easy op but in 10 years time you will realise it's the best decision you've ever made in your life