I need some outside perspective

[Work247]

So there's a few times in my marriage that I've been a bit unsure if it'll last but have been trying to make it work. Two small kids. We both work full time. Latest saga as follows

I'm a nurse, work intensive care and because of covid I've been working a lot - as in 76 hour weeks at times. Husband had a huge go at me for doing nothing in the house re cleaning, because I'm surviving on minimal sleep. I work nights. Eldest goes to nursery presently but I have nowhere for the baby to go so I often have him during the day. I suggested this was unreasonable of him considering how much I work but he wasn't having it. Also criticises when I do clean and tidy because I'm 'not doing it right' but if I try to stand up for myself I'm just 'not seeing it from his point of view'. So as a result I suppose I'm acting off with him and can't bring myself to want to kiss him or whatever. Which he seems to be picking up on.

Struggling a bit mentally with covid - watching people dying much more than usual and just general lockdown blues. But I feel like I'm not allowed to have an off day.

Other issues in our relationship have been

• him insisting we split bills 50/50 despite him making more money than me at that time and did not see my point of view it should have been split according to earnings
• has been horrendously drunk on a few occasions and come home shouting and made me feel a bit scared to the point I had to call his mum to help me. Has never been physical with it but certainly shouting. Not sure if my dad being an alcoholic had made me irrationally scared
• just kinda feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time or I don't bring up things that are upsetting or annoying me because I don't want to start an argument. He never seems to think he's in the wrong.

I'm not perfect. Quite possibly a bit messy round the house due to work and my depressive tendencies. But I try my best all the time

Just at a bit of a loss, feeling miserable and need support or advice from anyone who's been in the same situ. Thanks x

This is awful, this man is an abuser and you're not overreacting. What a shit.

I bet he makes you pay for childcare out of your pay, not from joint income, right?

Sadly yes. Before eldest was in his funded nursery, it came out of salary sacrifice for me and I just paid it because he kicked up such a stink about it. Making me worse off again

And salary sacrifice means you’re paying less into your pension too I believe.

Your relationship is crap

But thank you and your colleagues for your vital work. We appreciate it even if your husband can't see it.

Can you switch to day shifts until you leave him?

@Work247

Sadly yes. Before eldest was in his funded nursery, it came out of salary sacrifice for me and I just paid it because he kicked up such a stink about it. Making me worse off again

My god op this gets worse...please do what you can to get a plan in place for leaving this shit excuse of a man!

My DP who isn't ds dad pays for almost most things towards him yet this excuse can't even pay for his own children. It makes me furious for you

You need to consider whether you want another 5,10 years of this.
How would you feel if your daughter was being treated like this by her DH.

You're right. I'd be fuming if I thought my kids were being treated like this by a partner. Just unsure how to approach this as I know it's not going to be just a civil conversation. It'll be a complete shitshow.

I think the very fact that trying to have a conversation about this will be a “shitshow” speaks volumes

Does he bring anything good to your life? If hypothetically you woke up tomorrow & he was just gone & there was no need to sort out divorce or anything, he was literally just gone, how would feel?

You need to speak to a solicitor first to find out what you will be likely to get.
Then, if you want to split, start putting things in place (personal bank account etc) then tell him when you’re ready.

Sadly, I think I'd feel free? And I guess that gives me a definite answer. Good way of thinking about it. Thank you

@Work247

Sadly, I think I'd feel free? And I guess that gives me a definite answer. Good way of thinking about it. Thank you

Hugs xx I’m sorry it’s got to this stage but you can’t live like this nor should you

the conversation you need to have is not “you need to change” but “our marriage is over if you don’t change” or just “our marriage is over”

"Might save up a bit first as I'm sure he would make everything awkward in divorce proceedings".

This will take some considerable time as he has you going 50-50 on bills. It will merely give him more time to abuse you and in turn your children who are also seeing this abusive model of a relationship at first hand. It would not surprise me either if he tried to sabotage any and all attempts to increase your hours.

I would use any free time you receive to contact a Solicitor and commence divorce proceedings. The man is a shit H and father to his children now and will remain so after you divorce him because this is who he is. He will make all aspects of you separating from him as long and protracted as possible as "punishment" to you for leaving him. He will likely demand 50-50 re access to his children mainly to get back at you as well and perhaps try and dodge child maintenance payments. He targeted you as well so will not let go of you at all easily. If you are a UNISON member use their services too, they can also help here. Contact Womens Aid too and the Rights of Women.

Do not enter into any form of joint counselling and or mediation with him; its a waste of time and effort when it comes to such abusive entitled men.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft as your H is in those pages.

Well said @tootysweety, I couldn't have put it better !

Any savings you make now will be part of the marital assets and he will get half.

@FlatEarthling

Your relationship is crap

But thank you and your colleagues for your vital work. We appreciate it even if your husband can't see it.

This

Never thought about that for savings.

I guess I'll need to bite the bullet and just do it.

I'm away into work now. Thank you for all the advice. Will spill my guts to my dear mum tomorrow as she's coming up for the baby. I feel sick about it all but I know it needs done.

Thank you, sincerely x

He sounds awful

I agree with other PPs, dont fanny about and waste another single second living thus miserable life!

You deserve better - he cannot and will not deliver I'm afraid, despite whatever promises he makes.

He's shown you who he is!

Stay here for support if you need it - I suspect he won't make things easy for you and there will be posters with a wealth of the same experience (unfortunately!)

Good luck x

This is actually very shocking to read.
You're under immense stress and pressure and he treats you with such utter contempt.
My DH would be concerned for me and doing everything he possibly could to support me.
I never say this, but LTFB.

Hello? He is off 4 days a week doing sweet f all and he is putting you under this pressure when your are witnessing absolutely devastating shit on a daily basis? Working ur socks, then sleeping when ur kids nap? What? He is a liability here. I'm always one to say looked at things from his point of view, compromise... hell no. He is an absolutely sorry excuse for a person. You literally have one of the hardest most important jobs there are right now. Ure better off coming home to ur messy home, enjoying ur kids and sleeping when u can while not walking in eggshells around that waste. I'm so sorry he is adding more stress and dread to this already horrible situation... I just cant believe what I'm reading. You are a wonder woman just to still be there, managing. He is on furlough. My blood is literally boiling.

I'm glad that you can see how untenable your situation is and that you's be under so much less stress without him.

I work in the same field, and without the support of my DH, I'd be a basket case by now and that's with grown up kids !

The hours you are working, the lack of sleep and then the abuse you are getting, from the one person who should be your biggest supporter, is horrendous.

He does not respect you

He actively seeks out ways to make your life harder

He won't even look after his OWN kids so you can sleep !

He won't pay childcare for HIS own fucking kids !!!!

He wants you to feel like shit, all the time !

He cares more about 'getting one over on you' than anything else

He thinks all childcare, cleaning etc is beneath him !

He is showing your kids how to abuse you, every, single, day.

He sits on his lazy fat arse, waiting for you to come home after 13-14 hr shifts (saving bloody lives and coping with deaths daily ffs !) just so he can say you're not good enough because you haven't done the cleaning ?????

I know it's tough, but spill the beans to your mum and leave him now

You deserve so, so much more

Updown and Improvements have nailed it.
He should be ashamed of himself.

@Work247
Your Husband is A Emotional Abusive Arsehole/Shit Head !

You are a National Treasure doing the kind of work you are doing !

Its hardly Surprising you are so exhausted !

You can not be expected to do everything All the Housework/Childcare on your Own

Its Not fair/its Totally
unacceptable !

Your Husband is a Waste of Space

Is no good !

First all have a Professional Cleaner pay for this out of your husbands money !

Also can you have a nanny or a registered Childminder who can look after your baby pay for this out of your husbands money too!

Please get Divorced from this Child man poor excuse of a Partner/Husband you have got !

Hey just an update

Have told my best friend and my sister the situation, needless to say they were shocked and angry.

So I'm quietly getting my ducks in a row. Luckily joined a nursing agency last month with good pay so should be able to afford the house on my own.

Thanks for all your perspectives and wake up calls x