I need some outside perspective

[Work247]

So there's a few times in my marriage that I've been a bit unsure if it'll last but have been trying to make it work. Two small kids. We both work full time. Latest saga as follows

I'm a nurse, work intensive care and because of covid I've been working a lot - as in 76 hour weeks at times. Husband had a huge go at me for doing nothing in the house re cleaning, because I'm surviving on minimal sleep. I work nights. Eldest goes to nursery presently but I have nowhere for the baby to go so I often have him during the day. I suggested this was unreasonable of him considering how much I work but he wasn't having it. Also criticises when I do clean and tidy because I'm 'not doing it right' but if I try to stand up for myself I'm just 'not seeing it from his point of view'. So as a result I suppose I'm acting off with him and can't bring myself to want to kiss him or whatever. Which he seems to be picking up on.

Struggling a bit mentally with covid - watching people dying much more than usual and just general lockdown blues. But I feel like I'm not allowed to have an off day.

Other issues in our relationship have been

• him insisting we split bills 50/50 despite him making more money than me at that time and did not see my point of view it should have been split according to earnings
• has been horrendously drunk on a few occasions and come home shouting and made me feel a bit scared to the point I had to call his mum to help me. Has never been physical with it but certainly shouting. Not sure if my dad being an alcoholic had made me irrationally scared
• just kinda feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time or I don't bring up things that are upsetting or annoying me because I don't want to start an argument. He never seems to think he's in the wrong.

I'm not perfect. Quite possibly a bit messy round the house due to work and my depressive tendencies. But I try my best all the time

Just at a bit of a loss, feeling miserable and need support or advice from anyone who's been in the same situ. Thanks x

What a great update OP. I’m glad your family are supportive and you have an escape plan.

@Work247

Hey just an update

Have told my best friend and my sister the situation, needless to say they were shocked and angry.

So I'm quietly getting my ducks in a row. Luckily joined a nursing agency last month with good pay so should be able to afford the house on my own.

Thanks for all your perspectives and wake up calls x

This is great news, so pleased for you op, life starts now ☺️

You poor woman.

So abusive.

Can work help you at all?

Well done for reaching out.

He has been financially and emotionally abusive.
Make no mistake.

Keep posting

Well done on becoming clearer on the situation, you deserve so much better.
We owe nurses and hospital and medical staff so much for working through this horrible time, the last thing you need is a hostile partner at home placing more pressure on you.

Thankyou for everything you do in your nursing care, and good luck with your future adventures free from this financially and verbally abusive lump of a man.

So glad your family are of support for you. Agree with @MrsBobDylan and others that he’s very likely to kick off when you leave so with luck you can line up family to call on should he do so.

Well done op, your update makes me so happy, you are too awesome for this man!

I notice you mention your Dad's alcoholism and thought it might be likely that you have gone with what you are familiar when it came to falling in love and getting married. I would think you will find your 'depressive tendencies' improve ten-fold once you are free of him.

My Dad was an alcoholic and my two sisters and I each married men who have now completely stopped drinking. Luckily they are really lovely men but I find it interesting how each of us managed to marry an alcoholic despite being very sure it was the one thing we wanted to avoid. I think our coordinates were all wrong when it came to identifying what's acceptable and normal.

Oh god I would have believed I'd written this in a haze if it wasn't for you having kids. I have no advice but am following for responses as I'm in a very similar situation.

Please remember that you do not have to argue with him, or explain anything. You are free to leave him without getting his agreement or permission.

Men like this get away with their abuse by never admitting anything, by getting angry, by always twisting it into blaming you. So you end up afraid to say anything to them even when you know that everything is unfair and wrong.

You can simply step clean out of that dynamic by understanding that you do not need for him to see your point of view or for him to agree with you. He never will anyway, and you don't have to even try. "This isn't working for me and I am going to divorce you".

All you need to do is decide what you want and then do it. The only agreement between you will be over contact with your children and that can be done through a solicitor.