It's all so unfair

[Apricot10]

Hi Everyone,
Some may remember me from a while back "D" H left for OW who was 24. He was 40 at the time.
I was left with 2 kids one with Autism.
We basically barely speak now and he has the kids 2 nights a month, Saturday night EOW.
I have managed the entire lockdown, which includes all home school while working 30 hours per week as well.
He hasn't helped once, not one day of help.
They have only recently started staying at his. He has been gone over a year now.
He has had 5 weeks of annual leave and not one of those days has been used to look after his kids.
It all just seems so damn unfair. The OW has been furloughed since March, so is sat playing housewife on 80% pay, he spends every evening, annual leave and every other weekend, doing what the hell he wants, watching Netflix and basically enjoying his little love nest. While I slog my guts out at working from home (for a children's charity so we are really busy), homeschooling an 11 year and 7 year old.
I am knackered. I don't know what I am expecting from this. It's all so damn unfair.
The kids think she is nice and have fun when they go. Yeah! I would be fun for 24 hours twice a month. But no I have to do the donkey work. Urgh. Just fed up.
It just feels like men get away with so bloody much.
Sorry to moan, I know there is a lot worse things happening. I guess I want to know from more wise people, how do you not let this all make you bitter, I feel I am heading that way.

I hope he's paying through the nose for maintenance OP. Hopefully you can rinse him in the divorce, make sure you get a shit hot lawyer.

Some men are just utter shits.

I absolutely get this 💐. People always say 'oh but the kids can always rely on you and know that the ex is a hopeless ' but that doesn't help when you're sorting out everything, being available constantly and generally have no time to yourself. I feel your pain. Vent here 😀

What is his"reason" for not having them more or to stay over lockdown?

Get the DC to ask to stay for the whole weekend or go for tea during the week etc.

Yep very unfair

Omg I can't believe you got a cough the one night they're at Dads. And that cough.. how many days for a test to come through? They should probably stay there until you're clear....

As they like it there, ask them if they want to stay a bit longer next time. Maybe Saturday till Monday. Just say it casually. Let them bring it up and ask.

Sounds like hard work.
Have you asked him to increase his days to help you out?

I'm not in your situation but I would struggle not to be bitter if I was. Sounds like you're doing amazingly well! He sounds like a dead beat dad and was probably a shit partner, so the shining light would be you don't have to have much to do with him anymore 🙏🙏. Hope he's at least paying for his children?

I have the reverse situation OP, not going into detail but he's got my children in a foreign country and lives with a 23 yo (he's 48).

You avoid bitterness by rejoicing every single day that you are now free from him.

What an absolute POS he is.

You can parent your children exactly as you want. You are free. Find help from friends and family and build your networks. Hard but not impossible.

His excuse is he has to work still and he commutes.
I have tried so many times to have them more he just won't do it. He pays, but god do I know it. Throws it my face at every opportunity.
He just doesn't have any intention of helping me to raise them. Too much hassle. The young girlfriend and lie ins is obviously a better lifestyle for him.
The cough thing would be so good if I didn't know he would just leave them with the OW and my son would freak out, he can't cope with much to be honest.
Ex had a time where he would come after work to help with the kids one night per week. He did it a few times and stayed for 10 minutes. I put a stop to it as he wasn't actually helping at all.
So now he sees them EOW. I said he could have them from Friday night to Sunday eve. Nope could only just lunchtime Saturday to about 3pm Sunday. Barely 24 hours.
It was my DDs birthday the other day and he turned up to drop presents off from home and OW. I felt like shit. She can have him, but my kids. I hate that she has contact with them.

If they like the OW and you get a break don't knock it. It may well deter her from have DC herself or may make her rethink her relationship with him.

He is the arse in this not her!! He was the one married with responsibilities.

She could be in their lives a long time so better it is a positive thing.

Seriously she is welcome to such a loser!

Why can't he have them longer? Why should he only do 24 hours fortnightly? Any reason they can't be with him Fri night to Monday morning EOW. That would be such a small amount anyway, in comparison.

I have pushed for it for over a year. He won't have them for any longer. I think he just needs to look like he is bothering. But doesn't actually care.
The kids have asked him, I have said he needs to do more. He just says he can't because of work. Of course this is all bullshit. He just doesn't want to do any of the work.
He dangles a carrot, like recently said he is pushing to WFH and he will help with homeschool for half a week. It won't happen. He helped out for a morning last time where I did a solid four months of it on my own. Like I say he has had 5 weeks annual leave since last March and not one day has been used to look after his kids.
I suggested he had them for a few hours for dinner mid week, but he couldn't as he was working late, apparently.
I suggested he had them from 6pm Friday to 6pm Sunday. He couldn't do that because of work, apparently.
I don't have a network at the moment due to lockdown not practically anyway, I have a support bubble with my single parent friend which is great.

But, I know he will tell everyone what a hands on dad he is how he pays through the nose in maintenance, and how hard down by he is.
But in reality he does absolutely nothing.
It is so damn frustrating.

*done

I totally understand OP. The very same situation here. My ex didn't have the DC for over a year at one point, and then when he did after that it was just for lunch and brought them back the same day. Now he sees them every now and then, as they are now a bit older they go if it's suits them, which tbh isn't much of the time. They feel like absolute outsiders when they go there as ow children come first. And it's thrown in their face. My dd didn't even have a bed to sleep in when she did go there. Slept on the couch in the lounge.

But after many years of this, I have come to terms with the fact that I have raised two incredible human beings all on my own. I have been there for every milestone, every awards evening and I know my children so much more than he does. As I mentioned, they are older now, late teen and early 20s and some times have been a slog that I didn't think I would get through. But we have and it's made the bond between us so much stronger. He has missed out so much and doesnt even realize it. He had the option to be part of all of it, but has chosen not to. I have sat with my dd as she cried her eyes out and slept with me because he was so upset her dad didn't come to see her take part in concerts, awards an things like this. And I'd try to make excuses for him at first, and then after a while I was honest and said I don't know why he's not here.

It's been a rough road yes, but nothing I do or say will change it. His new family are a priority now, so I just try to make the best of the situation that I can.

It's probably the thing that's hurt me the most from my divorce as I never wanted to see my DC losing a relationship with either parent.

But it is what it is and I cannot change that, he has made this decision for whatever reason, but in my eyes it really is his loss.

I know how hard it is OP to never get a break. But you do just muddle through as your new normal. But you will or already do have a much stronger relationship with your DC now than he has, I'm sure. Tbh the hard slog days aren't ones that are engrained in my memory, it's the small little things that we have been able to do together that are.

Yes. It's unfair though.

Yep he's an awful specimen. Do the DC see your ex in-laws at all?

In time you will reap the rewards op... Your relationship with your teens /young adult /adult dc will be amazing. Your exh will be a distant memory.. His shite influence will be nil. He has nothing to offer them of value op...

My ex is the same. Has our son 1 night every 2 weeks. It's a joke if I'm honest. Saying that, not all men are like that. My DP has his children 2 nights a week and every other weekend, works nights and also has them for 4 hours EVERY week day for home schooling (while their mum is furloughed).

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from him. 2 nights a month is appalling. It’s such hard work being a parent when there’s two of you, so I’m sorry he’s a vile shit. You’re the best role model for those children, they will remember mum when they’re older and believe me they will be so grateful for everything you’ve done!

Rinse the bastard for everything he’s got in the divorce and take your DCs on a lovely sunny holiday (when things resume back to normal!) 😎

@Highlighta thank you. I really hope it will all be worth it in in end.
Yes, the kids have fun with their dad because he is very fun, they don't like OW, they say she is nice enough but they don't want her around. He left here and moved straight in with her, so they never got a chance to get used to the separation without her being around.
He actually turned up here before March lockdown saying it wasn't working. I told him it was his problem not mine and to leave.
My DS cries most nights and says can't she just go away and then dad can come home. I have explained over and over why this won't happen even if OW was there or not.
I don't speak to him in between visits as he just annoys me now, but he doesn't attempt to contact the kids either. He literally sees them those 2 times per month and does not bother in-between. Case of out of sight out of mind. I feel for for kids. They deserve so much more.

@Jumpers268 yes most men I know who are divorced do more than him. And some of their were real shits, affairs etc. But they do their fair share.
He is a total feckless knob. OW "admires" him apparently. He must be feeding her so much crap.

Oh it makes me beyond sad when my son asks for his dad (he's 5). And I make excuses after excuses because I don't want to be the bad person and also that I don't want my son thinking his dad would prefer watching paint dry than spending time with him. Some parents are just shit. But I know that when he's older he'll understand. He'll know that it was me that was there for EVERYTHING. I say this to DP all the time.... You see the dad's saying the mothers are refusing to let them see their children. You don't see the mother's doing everything in their power for the children to have a relationship with their dad. Feel sorry for the OW. I do.

@RandomMess No they haven't seen them in ages. They knew about the OW and welcomed her into their home. So at the time I told them how betrayed I felt by them too.It was all very upsetting. They haven't spoken to me since, they haven't seen them since covid started. He may call them while DC are with him but the kids never speak about being in touch with them.

@Jumpers268 that's the thing isn't it? It's the excuse making. My ex won't think anything of being 2-3 hours late picking them up on the Saturday as well. I just don't tell then what time he is arriving now. And if they are not ready when he arrives he can wait in the car for them.
I would be chomping at the bit if I hadn't seen them for 2 weeks. I would be making the most of every minute.

Thanks for everyone's replies. It helps getting it all out.