It's all so unfair

[Apricot10]

Hi Everyone,
Some may remember me from a while back "D" H left for OW who was 24. He was 40 at the time.
I was left with 2 kids one with Autism.
We basically barely speak now and he has the kids 2 nights a month, Saturday night EOW.
I have managed the entire lockdown, which includes all home school while working 30 hours per week as well.
He hasn't helped once, not one day of help.
They have only recently started staying at his. He has been gone over a year now.
He has had 5 weeks of annual leave and not one of those days has been used to look after his kids.
It all just seems so damn unfair. The OW has been furloughed since March, so is sat playing housewife on 80% pay, he spends every evening, annual leave and every other weekend, doing what the hell he wants, watching Netflix and basically enjoying his little love nest. While I slog my guts out at working from home (for a children's charity so we are really busy), homeschooling an 11 year and 7 year old.
I am knackered. I don't know what I am expecting from this. It's all so damn unfair.
The kids think she is nice and have fun when they go. Yeah! I would be fun for 24 hours twice a month. But no I have to do the donkey work. Urgh. Just fed up.
It just feels like men get away with so bloody much.
Sorry to moan, I know there is a lot worse things happening. I guess I want to know from more wise people, how do you not let this all make you bitter, I feel I am heading that way.

Op this so heartbreaking. I’m in a similar position- an ex who shows very little interest in dc. I once told his mum because I thought as a decent woman she’d talk some sense in him but she seemed to think three hours a week was adequate contact time. Now one child refuses to see him completely. I just don’t understand how these men can forget about their dc.

@Apricot10 aw poor love
My son used to cry, the tears get less and less over time and eventually they stop.
But they always remember.
The best you can do is to be there and you are already doing that.
It's so hard.

God it is so hard. I find it hard not to be eaten up with anger towards him. Thankfully the one blessing is I only have to deal with him for 30 seconds every 2 weeks.
I just keep telling my DS that I am not going anywhere, that I will always be here. He is terrified I will leave too.

Hi @Apricot10.... I was with you at the beginning when the knobend left and somehow lost you while he was trying to come back... (as if...) I couldn’t find you again. I’m so sorry you’re still finding it tough. I’m not surprised at his lack of input and that he touts himself as a parenting superhero publicly. Jerk. These men really are an archetype for a reason. Interesting that the grandparents have disappeared off the face of the earth, too. What happened there? Too scared of you and the painful truth?
I was wondering if you would benefit from ten minutes every day (or night) or two where you sat down and allowed yourself to sit with a timer and let the feelings of rage, sadness and resentment out? Just let them wash over you... play some music that expresses similar emotions with headphones on and just feel it. Don’t pretend it’s not happening. Let it out. If you can pinch a pillow, do that at the same time.

@justilou1 Aww Yes, you were there at the beginning with brilliant advice then too. Yes, we were all chatting then Covid happened and I seemed to just have to get head down and disappeared from here for a while.
Yes that is a good idea, it is difficult as I don't often get a break from the kids. But I have started writing emails to him (that I don't send). It does help to get out all of the anger. I have felt really odd that week and I have discovered I start to feel anxious when it comes nearer to his weekend and I know I will have to see him.
I hope that will change over time.
The grandparents I have no idea. I think they feel guilt over enabling his affair and can't face me because of it. Their son takes after them.
I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow and it's possible I may furlough for a day a week just to give me some breathing space, with the home schooling. I have felt really overwhelmed and cried over the phone to her today. Not my finest hour but she was brilliant.
It is all such a mess and made even more difficult with covid and schools being closed so I know it won't be forever. Just getting through however long we have to,like everyone.
I will forever be utterly disappointed by what a shit dad he turned out to be.

Feel quite sad reading about your situation x all I can say is karma is waiting for him. His young woman will eventually want kids with him. If he gives her a child he will do her over as he did you or he will refuse and she will leave. Or he will get sick she will still be young and realise she doesn't want to be his carer. Your kids won't bother with him when he's dying. He's going to regret all his actions on his death bed.

He's a knob so don't ask him for help instead ask him to start a savings / trust fund for your kids. Get what you can financially out of him to help your kids future. Birthdays/ xmas ask for expensive gifts for kids. If he ends up having a kid with her it's going to have a financial implication on you guys so get in there first.

So sorry you’re in such a difficult position. He gets to be Disney Dad because he rarely sees the children. That might wash with them now but not further down the line. He will very likely regret not being more involved when he had the chance. Also, any age gap relationship hits challenges (heck, so does any relationship, of course). 20 and 40 is great for both parties. 40 year old chap? All very sexy and silver fox. 20 year old woman, all pert and idealistic. Hm! We do a lot of growing up between 20 and 30. I wonder what she’ll feel like being so ‘admiring’ for years on end? Will she get tired of the job description? Want more for herself? Wonder how romantic it will be if she stays long enough to encounter the transition from partner to carer? If there is a solid foundation, love and communication, age gaps can work, but this relationship seems to be on shakier foundations from your description. Wait it out, OP, and I suspect it won’t look as if he has it all.

@Apricot10 - maybe you can write emails to OW that you will never send, knowing that she was once you... idealistic and naive. Madly in love, etc... I bet she’s not as blind to his annoying habits... Does he bite his toenails in bed or anything? You can write about the personal things that give you the icks that you no longer have to live with! Phew!!! (No more skiddies from him!!!)

This is sad and especially reading how many other women are in this situation.

In every case on here it sounds like the ‘dad’ is not remotely interested in children, they get no joy from parenting and happy to have no involvement in raising their children.

I wonder if these men wanted kids initially and then changed their mind once they realised it’s hard work, or did they never want those 6 in the first place?
I’m planning to have children soon and this thread made me think a lot.

*never wanted those kids in the first place!

@Veronika13 in my case he was very keen to start a family. He didn't have a clue what to do with them when they arrived. To be fair though neither did I. But I learned and got on with it and he just let me do everything. It got to the point where it was easier for me to do it all and badgering him to help me was exhausting. I think he liked the idea of kids, but didn't want any responsibility. Now he is a Disney dad, it's the perfect set up for him. All the fun with Jane of the work buy he is still the hard done by one.
@justilou1Yes I do that too. Wow I have a lot to say to her. I would love to have 30 mins in a room with her and tell her the heart ache she and him have caused me and my kids. But I doubt she would care, my very good friend knows her. She used to be her boss years ago and she was surprised she would do that. So God knows what shit he has fed her. She obviously just sits and tells him how funny and amazing he is all day long and that what he wants.

All I can say is; hang on in there; it may not seem like it at the time, but you will reap what you sow.
I've seen this one play out with a friend from church. She was left to raise three youngsters with very little support, either practical or financial, but she and her DD and two DS's rallied together, and she ended up with three wonderful young adults who are an absolute credit to her. She is now revelling in her role as adored GM (covid permitting!) She never badmouthed him (at least in front of the children! ) and they grew accustomed to him being an unreliable presence in their lives, then an irrelevance. They wouldn't be unkind, but have no real interest in staying in touch with him; they know who was there for them when it really mattered. The younger woman faded from the scene when the "silver fox" started to show his age.

I’m happily married, but have seen this shit happen all too often. (Also realistic to know that eyes stray at any age..) I am teaching my kids that they need to remain financially independent (I am not, and I hate it.) and to keep friendships independent of their relationships alive, etc... pointing out that they must remain independent people at all times. (They are obviously mid-late teens and old enough to get it.)

Op my grown up young adult dc had a father ish as I call him very similar.

He got through a few women and never really committed to anyone,least of all his only child.

Every other weekend sat am to Sunday tea time without fail and nothing in between.
No involvement with school,clubs or absolutely anything.

He quite often swapped weekends etc due to " work commitments " and it used to make me so angry he never put his child first like I did.

He didn't do much with dc until they were older and cinema on a weekend or a tea out somewhere because it was just easier.

My adult dc has little time or respect for his father ish now and they probably message each other every couple of months.

I know my dc openly says he has nothing in common nor a relationship with his father ish which I find so sad but luckily I have an amazing close relationship with my child and so does my dh.

When your dc are older they will see it for what it is op trust me.

I never said anything negative in front of my child growing up no matter what. My child made his own mind up and yours will Aswell eventually.

All the hard work your putting in will not be in noticed

You habe all been treated incredibly badly by this grade A shit. Appallingly.

But where do you go from here? You could utterly waste your life being obssessed by it. It angers me that he is such an arsehole but ypu habe posted for advice. And i really, really do not want you to give this man oe more iota of head space than is needed.

Can you start by building your own network of support? Growing your own life and getting help amd emotional support and fun from people around you? I appreciate we are going through a pandemic but you need a practical plan and FRIENDS, support and a network.

Are there charities, on line groups, local communities that you can tap into?

It’s so sad that many men do not step up to their responsibilities and are just happy to “play” Dad. I know several boys whose dads dont even bother at all, yet they are all lovely boys to be proud of. It makes me so sad.

I think its just that men are conditioned to be selfish not that its right and of course they are not all (im no man hater).

You need to get rid of your disappointment in him. How about writing a long letter to him and one for the OW, getting it all out, all your disappointment and anger and then burn them (the letters!) in a kind of exorcism so you can draw a line under it and then move on?

I hear you OP. It’s shit. Really, really shit when you see them living their carefree lives while you slog your guts out. It happened to my mum...then it happened to me.
All I can say is hold on. That’s it. I now see my ‘Disney dad’ for what he is/was. He is now a lonely, bitter old man who has 2 DC that never visit him, never call, never text him. He has 6 Grandchildren who wouldn’t know him if they tripped over him in the street. He has one Great grandaughter he’s never laid eyes on.
Where as my mother, the one slogging her guts out for years to provide for us, the one managing on very little money whilst my father swanned off abroad with his new fancy piece, the one that worked every hour she could, the one that hugged us when we cried and cleared up when we were sick....she has 2 children that adore her, she has grandchildren that worship her, a great grandaughter who’s face lights up when she sees her. She has a wonderful, happy life with a husband that loves her. She is full of life and love and happiness and my dad is lonely, bored and bitter.

Hold on to that x

I also think it’s shit when a father behaves like this.

However you need to not focus on her like this. She did not commit to parent your kids ans how she spends her time is really not relevant. This is all about him.

What happens when his 24 year old wants children? He's obviously not very paternal....but he'll be thrown into parenthood all over again.

His, young sexy energetic partner will evolve into a more mature, mother, bagging wife etc. and he'll be back to square one. Dickhead.

You need to keep 'doing you', you've done amazingly in lockdown. He's not the man you thought he was or should have been, he's weak and selfish and I pity the OW she has not earned a prize!

I'd say he's never going to put the effort in. They've got an easy life. But you, you know what you've done for your children and one day they will understand. Its easy to be fun one day a week. Try to focus on what you know to be true and not what other people might believe despite what he and his girlfriend say. You're the only parent here. Good luck and keep going, hold your head up high, remember Karma

Haha, OW admires him. Course she does as she is only a youngster herself. Trust me @Apricot10 karma will bite his lazy arse, in years to come your dcs will see how their dad has not been a good father and ditch him. It happened with my two dcs. 💐

Wowza, so many replies since I came on last.
Thanks everyone. Yes, my main issue is trying not to allow them in to head space. It is difficult when I spend every evening alone and they have child free evenings of drinking and eating and lie ins everyday. Makes me so mad. I think being alone with 2 kids for 12 months with nothing else is taking its toll, which it would with anyone. So I am holding out for the end of the pandemic. I have a great group of friends, mix of single mums and married couple friends, who have all rallied. Have a few brilliant neighbours as well.
So I may not have family near, but if I was rushed into hospital (which is a possibility at the moment horribly) I have a good list to contact.
I had a big wobble this week and my boss was brilliant and reassured me as far as work was concerned whatever I could manage was good enough. She wasn't expecting miracles. So I feel a bit more relaxed about keeping my job. Just keep plodding I guess. Thanks everyone, it helps to hear people who have come out of the other side of this.
He picks them up tomorrow due at 12pm, he will no doubt rock up at 1 or 2. Time doesn't apply to him. Although he manages to get to work on time just not for his kids.

OW Is young and dumb. He will soon be boring and controlling, not mature and sophisticated. The charm wears off within two years.

Also, just to be “helpful”... perhaps just for once, maybe you could be doing something that involves going past his place. You could offer to drop them off at the agreed time. Then make special note of saying that you won’t be home until right on whatever time they’re due back.

@justilou1 that's a good idea. He is due to pick them at 11am tomorrow. I have told him if he doesn't turn up on time they won't be coming and he can wait another 2 weeks to see them. He has promised he won't be late. We will see. He tried to call my eldest mid week this week but did it right in the middle of home school (live lesson)so I wouldn't let her answer. The one time he tries to make contact during the week and its while having his break at work. I can't for the life of me think why he can't call them when he gets home from work.