It's all so unfair

[Apricot10]

Hi Everyone,
Some may remember me from a while back "D" H left for OW who was 24. He was 40 at the time.
I was left with 2 kids one with Autism.
We basically barely speak now and he has the kids 2 nights a month, Saturday night EOW.
I have managed the entire lockdown, which includes all home school while working 30 hours per week as well.
He hasn't helped once, not one day of help.
They have only recently started staying at his. He has been gone over a year now.
He has had 5 weeks of annual leave and not one of those days has been used to look after his kids.
It all just seems so damn unfair. The OW has been furloughed since March, so is sat playing housewife on 80% pay, he spends every evening, annual leave and every other weekend, doing what the hell he wants, watching Netflix and basically enjoying his little love nest. While I slog my guts out at working from home (for a children's charity so we are really busy), homeschooling an 11 year and 7 year old.
I am knackered. I don't know what I am expecting from this. It's all so damn unfair.
The kids think she is nice and have fun when they go. Yeah! I would be fun for 24 hours twice a month. But no I have to do the donkey work. Urgh. Just fed up.
It just feels like men get away with so bloody much.
Sorry to moan, I know there is a lot worse things happening. I guess I want to know from more wise people, how do you not let this all make you bitter, I feel I am heading that way.

Urgh so they can't even build a relationship with them

I suspect Ex has told a shit tip of lies about you to in-laws and I suspect is giving them the "she won't let me have them more" bullshit.

That sounds tough OP. I'm not sure there's much more you can do, other than come to terms with it in some way. I don't understand his type of mentality either. It is ridiculously selfish.

I read threads like this and just can’t believe what cunts some men are.

He literally doesn’t give a fuck does he? How can he care so little? How can he be so shit and not even have the decency to be ashamed about it?

@RUOKHon That's the thing, we had an argument about 6 months ago and I said I don't know how you sleep at night and he just said "oh I sleep just fine".
He really is disgusting. He was always the type who thought he needed a medal for changing a nappy though.
He always says to the kids when he picks them up, "okay kids time to give your mum a break", like he is doing me a huge favour. He literally doesn't think it is his responsibility.
I just bite my tongue constantly. It is hard not to let rip, it really is.

My god, this makes my blood boil. My ex was an ex for a good reason but he never shirked from seeing the kids ( now 25 and 21). Even this contact though (EOW and some of the holidays) meant the bulk of parenting was on me, but as time has gone on I have all the benefits, so to speak. They have a relationship with him but it's stilted and now if they go they will only stay a couple of hours, they just feel he doesn't really know them. They will always turn to me and I have had birthdays, Christmases and fab holidays with them. Your situation sounds such hard work but you will have a far deeper relationship with them. And in the future at some point the OW will perhaps push for a baby and then it will all go tits up for him. Sounds like you are doing an awesome job, well done.

@Kabakofte that's really reassuring thank you. We do have a great time together they are great kids it is so hard homeschooling and not being able to see a lot of my friends. But everyone is having that issue at the moment I guess. Well apart from my ex who seems to having one long holiday.

I’m in a similar boat OP. My ex won’t take them overnight at all. Sees them for a few hours every second Sunday but it’s just so he can tell other people he’s an involved dad. He gets his mum to pick them up and his cousin to drop them off. He’s not just lazy, he’s bone idle and his family enable him. He refuses to get involved with their schooling, hobbies etc.

I used to get so frustrated trying to get him to step up and be a responsible parent. After nearly two years I decided to completely stop relying on him for anything. It’s has been freeing and I actually feel a lot less stressed now. I don’t give him any information about them either, e.g. so he can’t post photos of stuff I’ve done with them on social media and pretend he did it with them and he’s a good parent.

The thing is, he loses and I win. They have a really close relationship with me that they don’t have with him. They have thousands of fun memories with me that they don’t have with him. They’re being raised with my morals, my work ethic, my caring nature, not his selfish ways. I’m their role model, not him. When they’re older they’ll still be a big part of my life but I’ll be surprised if they see him apart from birthdays and Christmas.

I know it’s hard work and you’re right, it’s not fair, but you win, he loses.

Oh op, you sound exhausted.

Life is not fair...fact.
You are right in everything you say, unfortunately you met an incredibly selfish human being and had children with him.

I understand you need physical and emotional help with doing what is considered the hardest job you will ever do, rearing children, it's a dilema, you need the help and you want for your children to keep in contact with their father, but it shouldn't be your further job to badger him to have his own children.
As if your life isn't hard enough.!

Could you explain to him that this time as they are growing up is so important to them, to feel needed and wanted, not a burden, it will affect them for the rest of their lives speak adultly to him.
Read up on the affects of abandonment and desertion, present these facts to him, he needs to hear this.

Tell him your'e thinking of taking them to therapy as they are feeling unwanted, that may nudge his guilt, it will be on record he is failing as a parent... official, tell your gp you are not coping well cite the reasons, it is affecting your health.
Why must you suffer in silence?

You need a stronger support system for yourself and the children, he obviously cannot be relied upon, he is a waste of space, do your own family help?
One day his chickens will come home to roost, but that doesn't help you in the present.
The balance is so unfair.

Take care, you are a formidable woman doing this all on your own.

Totally get the unfair and crap this is. Been there with a dad who never took his kids overnight. I was left to do everything. Unfortunately the courts can't make them take their kids. Have you support elsewhere? My mum was amazing when my kids were young I'd have been lost without her

It's utterly shit isn't it op, and completely unfair!

But you will look back and feel proud of what you're doing, you're raising two fantastic kids on your own and doing a brilliant job. It won't feel like it at the moment, but you will.

My ex was like this, his job always took priority over the kids, he missed all the school plays, teacher meetings etc. He only started to take an interest when they were teenagers and less work. Basically when they could fit in and around him without hassle. He didn't even bother to buy my eldest a birthday gift this year as he 'didn't know what to get her' so have promised her a weekend away in the future ffs! He did have the cheek to ask for them 50/50 last year but only when I got the cms involved. And it's only because they can now get the bus to his from school, let themselves in and sort tea etc. I told him to fuck off. But what I wouldn't have done for him to offer this several years ago when I needed help!

I do remember your original post. What he is doing is totally and utterly unfair and selfish. But in time the DCs will see him for what he is and understand the unfailing support and stability you have given them, especially just now.

What about saying to him he’ll have to commit to helping with homechooling or else pay more maintenance as your thinking of taking a sabbatical a work for a few months because you cant homeschool 2 DCs and work as well. After all im sure he doesnt want the children’s education to suffer... that would annoy him hopefuly!

I’d just think of things to do that i know will annoy him but thats me...

And by the way i think you are awesome- so strong and dignified!

@thefourgp Yes! Before lockdown he would pop over unannounced and then take photos of the kids. Obviously to sned to his parents so he could show them what a great dad he is. It is sickening how obvious it all is.
@onthedunes I have spoken to him so many times, the minute I do or say something that remotely critises we don't see or hear from him for weeks on end. He doesn't want to know. He kept sending me messages saying you're doing a great job well done. Until I told him I didn't want a cheer leader I wanted HELP! Again, nothing from him.
My DD has been in counseling as I work within that field so have access to great people who have mentored her for free. Which is great. I told him this and he didn't flinch, doesn't occurred to him it's because if him she needs counselling.
@chocolate123 Yeah that what my solicitor said that he can't be made to look after them. I don't have any help I live 300 miles from any family and to be honest they are all elderly and not willing to help anyway. So it is just me. I have a great group of friends, but not any practical support really.
@harknesswitch Yes that rungs true here too, he was never at any school plays or pick ups. I have done all school runs for the last 7 years. As far as he was concerned kids was womens work, this only came to light after we had kids otherwise I would've ran for the hills.
Aw @lozzerbmc you gave me such sound advice when I was absolutely devastated at the time thank you, thankfully the pain of the break up has subsided now, but still struggling with him not helping.

The kids are doing okay, apart from lockdown etc. We are managing. Knackered but managing.

Take lots of photos of doing stuff with your kids, just normal stuff like baking and going for walks, make scrapbooks, which I know sounds old fashioned, in years to come they'll see and remember how much they did with you. Not that it's a competition but they will serve as powerful reminders of your relationship with your children. My mum has done this throughout my life and its always great to look through them.

@kabakofte that is a really good idea, most of their baby hood was pictures of them and their dad, because I was the only one who could be arsed to take photos. I always used to joke that they would grow up and think I wasn't there for the first 10 years.

My ex was exactly the same, only had DS eoweekend, no contact in between, no school plays. He did kick off, when he decided, without telling me he was coming to sports day. First one ever! Drove 2 hours. But ds had an emergency dental appointment, so wasn’t at school, never did it again.

Sorry I haven't got anything useful to add but you're right - it is unfair

Same here, ex has the kids for two Sundays a month for 9 hours a day.
No more, no overnights nothing.
And actually told the court he likes his social life.

Honestly for a long time I was so ashamed that that was who I picked to have my precious children with but you know what? As they get older they want to go less and less, and they only see him as a distant uncle who takes them out for the day. Ex moaned about them not ringing him or answering and I said to him, as much as I would rather they had a better relationship this is all down to you.

My kids worship the ground I walk on and me theirs.

It seems I am not alone in this. I don't know how these men sleep at night. And honestly never thought he would be such a shitty father. Well, I didn't think he would be shitty husband but he proved me wrong on that too.
I got the kids up at the crack of dawn today so we could go sledging before online lessons, and it was so lovely. I know for a fact he would never bother to do anything like that. They are lucky if he takes them to park for 20 mins when he has them.
My eldest is already not wanting to visit. She said I only go so you have a break mum. I felt terrible for her as that's what her dad tells her all of the time.

My ex has our son from 10am- 4pm one Sunday every 6 weeks. I feel your pain. Oh and also- ex hasn’t seen son since last June because of “covid”!

My eldest is already not wanting to visit. She said I only go so you have a break mum. I felt terrible for her as that's what her dad tells her all of the time

This made me well up partly because it's proof of what a brilliant job you've done making such a thoughtful little one, what empathy for a kid! He's a shit. You are doing so well.

He. Is. A. Cunt.

Trust me, as the adult version of your little ones - they will remember and they will cherish their relationship with a mum who always put them first

What we need is for being a cheating shit, a mistress or a deadbeat parent to be socially unacceptable again. People shrug, say ‘relationships end’ and let these men (and women) get on with it with no social cost for their behaviour. We should be shunning the hell out of them.

Particularly dads who prioritise their ‘love nest’ over their children.

@TirisfalPumpkin I couldn't have said it better myself. That's exactly it!
He has literally abandoned his kids for a but of skirt and an easy life, and our mutual friends have gone it him. (Well, the shit ones have)
If I had done the same there would be a witch hunt.
@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you so much I really needed to hear that. I feel like I am doing a crap job at the moment mainly due to WFH and homeschooling, but I think a lot are feeling that.
@NotaCoolMum every six weeks is truly pathetic. I can't believe there are so many of men who think this is okay. The whole Covid excuse has been used by my ex too. He didn't have them for the first 10 months. Because of covid. He has only started having them over night since Dec.
@AllForeverAtOnce I have beaten myself up so many times about picking him. He is great fun for about 20 mins then loses interest, that's what it would be like when he came home from work. He would play with them full on for 20 mins then ignore us all. He just can't be arsed and does bare minimum.
I am now working on him turning up on time and me just sending the kids out to his car rather than him trying to make conversation with me. I can't stand him, and find it really hard to make small talk with him. I try and be civil and I never pick fights but it is obvious I hate him I am crap liar. Him not so much. He keeps telling the kids how much mum and dad love eachother and we are the best of friends. My DS who is Autistic keeps saying why can't she (OW) just go away and he can come home. He is only 7 so it is so difficult. We have the same conversation over and over again, and it doesn't help with ex telling DS we live eachother. I have told him this and he doesn't listen. So I end up mopping up the trauma he causes.
This is the other part he has got off Scott free, I will possibly have my DS live with me for a very long time, I wouldn't have it any differently if he needs it. But ex has just dumped any responsibility he has for his Autistic son. He gets to do what the hell he wants. And me (this sounds horrible) I am trapped.
I adore the bones of my DS he is a brilliant little boy, but I fear it will only get harder and ex has dumped and ran. God I hate him.

@Apricot10 that's it-the bare minimum.
Hang in there you are more to your son than you realise, and one day you'll forget how that arse makes you feel.
xx

@AllForeverAtOnce thank you. We had another evening of tears from DS about him. He just can't let go yet. It is so difficult for him.