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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do about this?

29 replies

Tilpop · 21/01/2021 18:32

I've messaged before about my DH....
We have a 6 month old boy and he has been up a lot during the night.

Last night I was up with him and then when I woke up this morning DH was still asleep in bed. I asked him if he was going to work and he said he was tired (he's flexible at work).

At about 12.30 he had been in his PJs all morning but announced he needed to get showered and go out.

I asked where and he said (the site he is working) which is 1hr and 20 mins from
Us.

Anyway he left at 1.15 and got back at 4.30.

In the mean time I was on the phone to my friend and she said he had just passed her works which is totally the opposite end of town to where he would come off the motorway. (She was pulling out and he passed her)

When he got in I asked if he managed to get his work done and he said "yeah" then I asked how was the motorway and he said "same as always why would you ask"

I don't know what to think 😒

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 21/01/2021 18:39

Ask him why he was at the other end of town! Do you think there could be another women?

YellowBeryl · 21/01/2021 18:43

I think you need to ask him otherwise it will fester in you. Good Luck Flowers

Dissillusioned · 21/01/2021 18:47

So he did a 2hr 40 minute commute which he was only at work for 40 minutes? Is that normal? Or less than that if he was seen the other side of town which at best would’ve meant he’d needed to go somewhere on way home. Doesn’t really add up, it does unfortunately sound like he didn’t go to work. Unless your friend was mistaken and it wasn’t him she saw?

Original poster
Tilpop · 21/01/2021 19:39

It was him she saw, she told me his car and few numbers from his registration.

What do I say???

OP posts:
FoxgloveBee · 21/01/2021 20:03

Ask him why he was not at work when he said he would be.

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 21/01/2021 20:08

He's clearly not been to work. No one would drive for 2.5 hours to spend 40 mins there.
Plus your friend saw him.

Sounds to me like he's doing something he shouldn't, wether that's an affair, gambling, alcohol....

MaMaD1990 · 21/01/2021 21:18

I'd just be upfront and say did you actually go to work today? Friend said she saw you I a totally different area. Don't give away where she saw him because he could easily lie his way out of it.

Lauren551 · 21/01/2021 21:45

Affair or prostitues if he’s lying about where he has been! Start digging

PaigeMatthews · 21/01/2021 21:55

Well, he is lying. And not working. Is his work really that flexible he can take a day off whenever?

juddempathy · 22/01/2021 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Robbybobtail · 22/01/2021 00:48

juddempathy

You wouldn’t happen to be the MD of CryptoForensics would you? Only that post came across like a bad infomercial!

Sunflower1970 · 22/01/2021 04:10

He’s lying to you

booboo24 · 22/01/2021 11:33

I'd ask him directly if he went to work, wait for him to lie, then I'd tell him why you asked, but I wouldn't say which friend or where, then sit back and watch him talk. He will probably say it wasn't him though....OR if you have rhe stomach for it, do some serious digging first and see what you can find out

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2021 12:21

Your husband is clearly lying to you, and badly. He must think you're quite thick to believe he drove that far to work to only be there for such a short time.

Ncforthis1234567 · 22/01/2021 12:30

Prostitute springs to mind given the short time slot.

What’s your sex life like? Sorry to ask but ask yourself to take honest stock.

Dig abs keep your eyes open. Don’t mention anymore. You could buy a little tracker abs install the app and leave it in his car. They’re the size of a pound coin. Just drop it behind his seat in the back pocket and check next time.

I wouldn’t ask him or he will hide it more.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/01/2021 12:35

Did you ask him OP?

Original poster
Tilpop · 22/01/2021 13:51

I haven't asked him.

He was a little overly friendly when he got in last night and tried to cuddle me (he never does that) he's not affectionate at all and out sex life is non existent since our son was born. It wasn't great to start with and we have been together 8 years. He kept asking what was wrong as i was quiet (I knew he wasn't at work) and he just kept saying what's wrong etc.

He made a big deal of me having the find my friends app on my phone which I refused to do as I have never had it on. He added me but I kept my location off (I'm either at home or my mums so he knows where I am) but I could see his and he recently has deleted me off so I can't see where he is anymore. It never bothered me until now and I never checked it.

I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 22/01/2021 13:54

ASK HIM

MaMaD1990 · 22/01/2021 14:23

Just ask him. There really is no other solution and playing the spy trying to catch him out will be exhausting (if people suggest you do that).

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 22/01/2021 14:34

You can ask him, but if he is cheating he will probably lie. Still worth asking though. You could also buy a car tracking device from amazon so next time you know where he has been. Quite a different conversation when you have evidence they are lying.

harknesswitch · 22/01/2021 15:29

Ask him, but don't let him fob you off, if he gives you an excuse ask for proof, keep pushing and don't be fobbed off. Keep asking until you're confident you've got the truth

Swordfish1 · 22/01/2021 15:33

Do you have access to his phone? If so add him back onto your find a friend.
As he deleted you off he might not think to check it. If he does and deletes you again I think unfortunately you have your answer.

Original poster
Tilpop · 22/01/2021 17:36

I don't have access to anything.
Phones, computers, bank accounts
Nothing

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 22/01/2021 18:28

Tilpot, I am very concerned about you. This new issue is the tip of an iceberg.

You’ve previously written about your controlling and emotionally/financially abusive Husband. He belittles and degrades you, and is no longer interested in interacting with the baby.

You have cameras all around because of a break in, but he uses them to monitor your movements and watches you like a hawk from afar. He knows if you leave the house and demands to know where you are going.

Last fall he kept mentioning his plans to stay over one night for work and saying his mate would be there. When he returned early without staying over, he was foul with you. He said he didn’t care about you. You asked if someone had let him down and he later took issue with that question. Many posters thought he’d been disappointed by a woman. You also mentioned that he had been showing suspicious phone behavior.

It now appears that he has been lying about his whereabouts.

Tilpot, you and your little son are living in a toxic, abusive environment. You both deserve an emotionally safe home, but your H will never provide that. He is a narcissistic, mean-spirited tyrant who may be cheating.

Is it possible for you to take the baby and leave? I am aware that your mother is also an abusive person. Flowers

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/01/2021 19:59

Oh I think I remember that @MsDogLady. OP if tjat was you, you are being abused. Please try and get some help!

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