I’m really struggling with our blended family

[Ohbuggeroffcovid]

I have been with my husband for 8 years, I have 2 children he has 2 children we all live together.

Our blended family isn’t working. I am overly protective of my children, he is of his.

My children had a rocky start in life, we were by ourselves for a long time, I had some mental health issues. One of my dc has sen.

The lockdown has highlighted just how much it isn’t working for either of us. Our parenting styles are very different. There is a lot of disparity in the background of the children. His children have large trust funds from their grandparents, mine haven’t. So while his son has been able to go out and buy himself a car, my son hasn’t.

I’m prepared to get flamed. But I just need to hear from those who have a blended family that works. Or hasn’t worked!

Agree with others, there are separate issues here. Re the money:
Comparing yourself (or your children) with others always leads to gloominess. Be strict with yourself on that, even though living altogether it must be hard. Try comparing your children to others less fortunate - you have saved hard all year to buy your son a car. That's amazing! Many kids won't have a car of their own for years.

The autism is a different matter. My dh isn’t mean to my daughter it feels like wilful ignorance a lot of the time. I’m tired of saying I have to pick my battles with her. I just want someone to have my back over it This. This is not unreasonable, at all. Start here. Wait until the right moment, but explain to your dh that you are feeling really under pressure now. Do you know if your daughter ever going to be able to live independently? Or are you going to retain some responsibility for her long-term? Tell your dh how this makes you feel and how much you are going to need his support. You can sound as if you are looking forward and appealing to him to do the same, rather than looking back and making him feel as if you are complaining about the past. Fresh start. Challenge him. Get him onside.

There are battles in life you have to let go. What has happened in the past is one of those. Then there are things in the future, that are worth fighting for. You will feel so differently, if you get more support from your dh than you are getting now. Don't bury your need and suffer in silence. Get this one out in the open, and get him on board.

(If he refuses to be supportive then that is a different game altogether . . .)

Yes sorry was multi tasking (badly!). I meant a therapy. Could you afford private therapy on zoom?

For you, not anyone else that is. I think you could feel so much better with some support to work through your guilt as it is impacting on how you feel in so many ways.

The comment made about your DD autism would piss me off too. That’s your child and yes she likes to eat the same thing everyday, who cares?

Please don’t feel guilty about not being able to splash the cash on your children, encourage them to go to university and pursue a rewarding career where they can earn a comfortable living! Obviously it’s up to your DH children what they spend their money on and as a teenager I think I’d be buying Gucci etc. Your DH didn’t provide it, his parents did.

I second getting some therapy, depression can present itself as guilt.

It sounds like you're u FEEL his children are a mirror thrown up against to show you what you COULD have done as a mother of you'd just TRIED more. If you'd been a better mother they'd be gregarious and dressed in posh clothes driving their own car and that would make them better and happier.

But that's not the case

They don't have that money because of what he did or how great they are.
Havingoney to fritter away at 18 Vs working for it might make life easier but it doesn't mean he'll be happier more successful in the long run

Out going confident kids aren't better than reserved, thoughtful kids.

He hasn't done a better job than you.

You Def need to sit down and sort out how shitty attitude to your daughter / her needs.
Did he assume she's grow out of it? Oh well she was a difficult child but it's just her age, kinda thing?

@SleepingStandingUp

It sounds like you're u FEEL his children are a mirror thrown up against to show you what you COULD have done as a mother of you'd just TRIED more. If you'd been a better mother they'd be gregarious and dressed in posh clothes driving their own car and that would make them better and happier.

But that's not the case

They don't have that money because of what he did or how great they are.
Havingoney to fritter away at 18 Vs working for it might make life easier but it doesn't mean he'll be happier more successful in the long run

Out going confident kids aren't better than reserved, thoughtful kids.

He hasn't done a better job than you.

This is how I’m reading the situation too. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You got your children out of a difficult and toxic situation and survived.

You want your dp to challenge his thinking about your dd. Well maybe his attitude is also a mirror to yours. For it sounds as though it’s also time to challenge yours about yourself and all of the dcs - steps as well as yours. As Sleeping says, it isn’t your dp, who’s provided all this cash. He is earning a very similar amount of money to you by the sound of it.

You haven’t chosen a high earning man, who is not sharing his wealth with you. You’ve got yourself an ordinary bloke, who happens to have comfortably well off parents by the sound of it. Have you thought about that from his perspective? In his shoes I’d be pretty pissed off actually. He scraping to get by and his parents have given his kids so much cash that they’re able to afford bloody Gucci clothes. Don’t for one minute think the grass is greener for him either.

Perhaps you both griping and feeling guilty is the symptom of what is going on here. Have you ever had frank a conversation with how he feels about the monetary gifts?

I think the first thing to do would be to self refer for some counselling with your Gp. I don’t think many sessions are offered at one time, but it’s a start and hopefully you can persuade them to give you more / refer you on if you’re still struggling afterward. It may also be worth contacting relate to ask how you could get some therapy from them both for you and your dd.

You need to start seeing your terrible life choices in a different light. Life is full of ups a d downs, that’s just life! These experiences are part of your journey and have made your kids the amazing people they are. Think of all the things you can be grateful for. There will always be people worse off and better off then yourself. Comparison is the theif of joy.

@Ohbuggeroffcovid

I think the bit that bothers me is that his children now have enough for a decent start without having to worry. Mine don’t. And it is starting to eat away at me.

I think if they didn’t live here it wouldn’t be an issue.

But when you have one 18 year old wearing primark and another wearing Gucci it does feel a bit

@Ohbuggeroffcovid To be honest the part about finances just sounds like pure envy on your part. That envy is causing you to resent your husband and your step kids.

It would be different if you had joint children together and he was spending a disproportionate amount on the kids who had a different mother. This is a completely different situation. If I were the grandparents and had the money to do so, I would do exactly the same for my grandchildren and it has absolutely nothing to do with you or your kids who have their own wider family.

I hope you're not building up resentment in your own kids too. You should be teaching them not to be envious of others and to focus on making their own lives better.

Also life isn't just about money. There are much more important things in life!

@Ohbuggeroffcovid

My guilt around the children is incredible. I feel like my terrible choices in life have ruined their lives.

The money thing is a bit of a sticking point but I just feel like we are two separate families existing in the same house.

My dh isn’t mean to my daughter it feels like wilful ignorance a lot of the time. I’m tired of saying I have to pick my battles with her. I just want someone to have my back over it.

OP I'm sure you did your best. The fact that you're saying you want the best for them shows you love and care for them and that's the most important thing for any child, not money for luxuries.

You had mentioned mental health issues, could any of these issues be making you see this situation in an overly negative light?
If you truly feel your kids have been badly affected by the past you can suggest therapy for them. This would be much more helpful than a new car or a gucci handbag.

Sounds like the ill feeling towards your SC stems from your guilt, lack of self esteem and feeling inferior to those with money.

Just because the children’s parents have decide to get married and live together doesn’t mean everything is now equal. Your SC are very lucky that they have GPs who are well off, your children don’t, that’s just a fact. You can’t hold that against the SC, and would you really want to throw your marriage away over something wholly out of all of your control?

Your husbands disregard for your DDs SEN is a separate issue which you need to discuss with him directly.