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Original poster

I’m really struggling with our blended family

87 replies

Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 10:38

I have been with my husband for 8 years, I have 2 children he has 2 children we all live together.

Our blended family isn’t working. I am overly protective of my children, he is of his.

My children had a rocky start in life, we were by ourselves for a long time, I had some mental health issues. One of my dc has sen.

The lockdown has highlighted just how much it isn’t working for either of us. Our parenting styles are very different. There is a lot of disparity in the background of the children. His children have large trust funds from their grandparents, mine haven’t. So while his son has been able to go out and buy himself a car, my son hasn’t.

I’m prepared to get flamed. But I just need to hear from those who have a blended family that works. Or hasn’t worked!

OP posts:
zafferana · 21/01/2021 10:53

However hard you try to make things 'fair' when you blend two families, it's simply not possible. My own family was blended when I was a small DC and there will always be inequalities, because no two families are exactly the same, so you'll get differences in finances, parenting, personalities, etc. The only question really is can you live with those differences? Because if they're going to eat away at you every day and foster jealousy and resentment then it may well be better to un-blend your family again.

LatentPhase · 21/01/2021 10:53

Sounds like you have teenagers and there’s a lot of water under the bridge (flowing in different directions).

What happens when you discuss this with your DH? You don’t say how long you have lived together. Is it fixable or do you want to Unblend?

Me and my DP have teens and have not blended. Sometimes you just can’t. And that’s ok.

Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 10:59

We do have teens. We have lived together now 5 years been together 8.

The finance part of it has come to the forefront now his kids have reached a certain age they have come into their money.

When they were younger even my husband didn’t know his parents were putting the money away they gifted it as a ‘surprise’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 11:02

I love my husband, but I don’t love our family set up. I feel like he is over critical of my DC who has sen. She has autism and I have said numerous times just because you can’t see her disability doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

He will complain that she eats same food every day, but quite frankly it has fuck all to do with him. And it makes me resentful. I have had to learn to pick my battles with my dd.

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 21/01/2021 11:02

Your teenager is old enough to understand though surely? Is this an issue for the kids or for you? I am a step mum and my SC have so much more money (from an uncle).

In what ways does this problem with different money show itself at the moment? Is it attitudes and beliefs or decisions about what gets spent?

Jobsharenightmare · 21/01/2021 11:03

Sounds like the money doesn't have anything to do with his lack of knowledge about SEN?

Namechange8471 · 21/01/2021 11:03

I'm sorry you're going through this op.

However, it's not his children's fault they have been gifted money. If your son wants a car he needs to save/get a job/use birthday money.

It's a tough life lesson but one we all learn, some have a better head start than others.

HmmSureJan · 21/01/2021 11:05

He will complain that she eats same food every day, but quite frankly it has fuck all to do with him. And it makes me resentful. I have had to learn to pick my battles with my dd.

I have autistic teens and they have very restricted diets. Anyone criticising would be told firmly where to go. All families and couples need flexibility and to be able to communicate but what your child with special needs eats affects him in no way whatsoever and I don't blame you for being angry. I would hate to live in this situation and wouldn't.

Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 11:05

I think the bit that bothers me is that his children now have enough for a decent start without having to worry. Mine don’t. And it is starting to eat away at me.

I think if they didn’t live here it wouldn’t be an issue.

But when you have one 18 year old wearing primark and another wearing Gucci it does feel a bit Confused

OP posts:
HmmSureJan · 21/01/2021 11:06

@Ohbuggeroffcovid

I think the bit that bothers me is that his children now have enough for a decent start without having to worry. Mine don’t. And it is starting to eat away at me.

I think if they didn’t live here it wouldn’t be an issue.

But when you have one 18 year old wearing primark and another wearing Gucci it does feel a bit Confused

I couldn't stand it either though you'll get posters telling you it's nothing to do with you and you're a bad person for being resentful but I agree with you.
Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 11:06

Sounds like the money doesn't have anything to do with his lack of knowledge about SEN?

The money is a separate issue. There seems to be loads of things going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 11:07

As I said am fully prepared to be told I’m an evil old hag. Grin

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 21/01/2021 11:08

OK so in another year he one wearing Gucci may have moved out, don't split up your family for these feelings of jealousy or resentment or (possibly guilt at not being able to give yours the start you'd have wanted)....you've done great overcoming some rough times it sounds like and if you have happy kids I would let it go. Yours will be fine and can earn their way out of Primark when they're adults!

LatentPhase · 21/01/2021 11:08

If they are wearing Gucci are they spending stupidly? Maybe the £ will trickle down to zero and you’ll have the last laugh? That wouldn’t bother me. Except maybe what’s underneath that is wildly differing parenting values being instilled on each side of the parenting fence. Which IMO is not a small issue, it’s huge.

Jobsharenightmare · 21/01/2021 11:09

Blowing some cash at 18 after a windfall isn't something unusual though surely? Nor can his dad stop it.

Jobsharenightmare · 21/01/2021 11:10

Better get back to work now. Good luck OP!

Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 11:11

If they are wearing Gucci are they spending stupidly? Maybe the £ will trickle down to zero and you’ll have the last laugh? That wouldn’t bother me. Except maybe what’s underneath that is wildly differing parenting values being instilled on each side of the parenting fence. Which IMO is not a small issue, it’s huge

Well he spent a large chunk on himself and then re-invested the rest so he shouldn’t particularly be hard up anytime soon. And I think there is another chunk to come when he turns 21.

OP posts:
Thisendsnow · 21/01/2021 11:11

In regards to the money what do you think would be a reasonable solution?
You couldnt ask, nor expect, his children to share or split the money with yours.
Do your children's grandparents have involvement with the children?
Unfortunately the money thing isnt nice for the children to see but as you said, your husband had no idea, and even if he did it was the grandparents who were very generous, not him.

Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 11:14

No I really don’t expect my kids to get the money.

My parents are not in the same financial position.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 11:14

I don’t think there is a reasonable solution. Maybe a bit more discretion?

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 21/01/2021 11:14

In blended families what breaks things is really the inability to withstand differing parenting values. The SC are just a proxy for that.

You’ve clearly come through hard times with dd and rightly you are picking your battles. If you and DH can’t give each other space and flexibility in the parenting life can be bloody grim. I’ve seen this with friends. Am avoiding the same scenario (have had very tough times with my dc) by not blending with DP (who has avoided the problems and ended up with a very dysfunctional dc). The kid isn’t the problem: the parents are.

supersonicginandtonic · 21/01/2021 11:15

We're a blended family. I have 2, DD13 and DS11, he had 1 DSD12, we have one together who is 18 months and due again in April. I also have my nephew who is 15 live here.
DSD lives with us permanently and has limited contact with her mum.
My two older children will be on a similar situation to your step-children once they reach 18. They're grandad passed away 2 years ago and has left them both a significant amount and their dad has 2 houses he rents out, which will be theirs when they are older.
My DP couldn't care less, he understands the difference and doesn't think it's unfair on his daughter.
I don't think you are being fair there to feel resentment. The money really has nothing to do with you.
Your partner really should not be criticising your daughter though. My son has a very limited, beige diet. Always has had.

LatentPhase · 21/01/2021 11:16

Will any of them be moving out?

Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 11:17

My eldest will hopefully go to uni in September. Covid bloody willing.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2021 11:17

Can you afford to live desperately? Would you want to carry on the relationship but live apart or would that inevitably be the end?

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