I’m really struggling with our blended family

[Ohbuggeroffcovid]

I have been with my husband for 8 years, I have 2 children he has 2 children we all live together.

Our blended family isn’t working. I am overly protective of my children, he is of his.

My children had a rocky start in life, we were by ourselves for a long time, I had some mental health issues. One of my dc has sen.

The lockdown has highlighted just how much it isn’t working for either of us. Our parenting styles are very different. There is a lot of disparity in the background of the children. His children have large trust funds from their grandparents, mine haven’t. So while his son has been able to go out and buy himself a car, my son hasn’t.

I’m prepared to get flamed. But I just need to hear from those who have a blended family that works. Or hasn’t worked!

Look they are old enough to understand why they are in a different financial situation. This bad feeling boils down to envy on your part. A good start would be to look at your own values. Personally I’d consider buying Gucci a waste of money and a poor individual choice but wouldn’t voice my thoughts. Consider what is really important in life - health, happiness, warmth, shelter, being loved. Write a list of all the things your children can appreciate and stop comparing and seeing them as badly done to.

I think that as your son moves off to uni and gets his own life, less of an issue.
Is your daughter likely to similarly leave home? That's the bit you need to consider.
A good friend has mixed her family with new husband but she had to be certain that he understood the lifelong commitment to one of her son's with autism. He did as is brilliant with him(he is early 20s now).

Also in relation to your partner complaining about the food routine. Every time he mentions it forward some information to him about autism and food. There are ways of expanding food repertoire sometimes but it sounds like he has limited understanding

They are not siblings. So it makes no sense to expect things to be equal & fair, the way you would with siblings.

It really sounds like this is your issue here & you’re making it a problem

If you’re unhappy with the setup you have every right to leave but be aware this is you projecting your issues onto others.

Your kids haven’t even complained & it cold be a life lesson for them. Not everything is equal & fair in the real world.

My DCs got a few thousand saved by my dF when they got to 21 - all blew it on clapped out cars, they didn't realise how much effort he had put into saving it for them - is the StepdCs money infinite? Or will they get it and blow it. If it's the second case I really wouldn't worry.

What is needed imv is counselling for you - you need to sort out your feelings of failure as a DM, disappointment for/in your own DCs. Anger at DP.

PS - I am not saying you are in the wrong - but you need to sort out your feelings before making major decisions for the future.

Even in non-blended families there can be unfairness or resentment when one child gets a lucrative job that makes them ‘easy’ money and offers them a fast life. The other sibling might work really hard but always struggle financially.

It’s unfair for you to resent your SC’s wealth. They shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for having it. I know you said it won’t happen, but if it was your kids who received the money then I’m sure you’d have been delighted for them.

You are the parent of your children and you signed up to blend your family. When you agreed to live together you knew there would have to be adjustments and compromises. Please do not think I’m anti blended families, not at all. I’m just saying that these things are part of all families, not just blended. We often read posts on here where one sibling gets extra money or assets from parents or one child has been excluded from the will.

The point about the SEN though is frankly disgusting. If your DH doesn’t understand SEN then he doesn’t have a right to comment on your DD’s eating habits. He needs to be kicked out for that alone because making your DD feel like she’s weird is not on. Your children come before any man.

It may be that he’s getting irritated with your kids like your getting irritated with his. If that’s the case you all need to come together as a family to sort out the differences with a clear heart or you all need to go your separate ways. But you can’t live with resentment in your heart. It isn’t fair to your SC and it won’t help your children move forward with their lives. Xxx

Tbh OP this is a difficulty with blended families you just need to accept - in the same way you want your OH to accept your daughters SEN, you need to accept the disparity in finances is what it is. This is a fact of life, it’s at the forefront because it’s all happening in one home. It sounds like the time the kids will live together is now limited, owing to their age, so this issue will resolve a little as they move out and get on with their grown up lives. Resenting the SC isn’t helpful to anyone and it sounds like more your issue is not feeling you’re adequately providing for your kids than an issue with your SC themselves.

Have you spoken to your OH re his comments about your daughter? I have a DSS with severe autism too and I moan similarly too. I don’t expect it to change, but unloading to my DH just helps me deal with it. It’s really difficult as it changes the dynamics in the house a lot and something that helps me deal with that is open discussion with my DH about my own feelings. It doesn’t mean I want or expect it to change though. DH struggles too and we support one another.

OP, there are 2 separate issues:

1. money situation - you do sound (understandably) jealous. But if I understood correctly it is not even your husband who provided this extra financial comfort for your step kids, it was their grandparents. I know you said your children don't ask, I would proactively raised this matter to them. Explain where exactly the money come from. Explain that sometimes people inherit money, it doesn't mean they can't have it all. You said your eldest is due to go to uni, so it is a good opportunity to inspire them to achieve something for themselves as it feels so much better when the money is earned, not gifted
2. autistic daughter - is she officially diagnosed? If she is(as you are confident to call her autistic I assume so) then it is probably lack of education /knowledge on the subject from your husband's side. Have a civil conversation with him, give him a diagnosis paperwork to read. Tell him it is important for you. Is he mean to her? Or just complaining to you about her?

Did either of your DC ever get any counselling to help them process their feelings following the breakup and your behaviour afterwards? Do you think that maybe having a safe space to express themselves would help them learn to assert themselves more, and communicate their needs?

The money is a red herring. Forget about it. Look at the situation as if that issue didn’t exist and assess from there.

Life isn't fair -fact. Your dcs are old enough to understand this. What would you like your step children to do with their money exactly? Plenty of people get gifted money whilst others struggle and have to work hard for every penny. One day the children will leave home so I wouldn't let it get me down. With regards to the SEN issues that is completely diffetent. Your dh needs to be told that you will deal with your child's issues. He is wrong over the food too.

Are your kids happy and stable though? Or are they resentful?

The fact the kids all get on is good and this isn't causing resentment. Is the driver child generous with giving lifts etc? Did they buy one Gucci item or a whole wardrobe?

The autism thing is totally different and sounds like you need to set it out straight with your husband.

@Iwonder08

OP, there are 2 separate issues: 1) money situation - you do sound (understandably) jealous. But if I understood correctly it is not even your husband who provided this extra financial comfort for your step kids, it was their grandparents. I know you said your children don't ask, I would proactively raised this matter to them. Explain where exactly the money come from. Explain that sometimes people inherit money, it doesn't mean they can't have it all. You said your eldest is due to go to uni, so it is a good opportunity to inspire them to achieve something for themselves as it feels so much better when the money is earned, not gifted 2) autistic daughter - is she officially diagnosed? If she is(as you are confident to call her autistic I assume so) then it is probably lack of education /knowledge on the subject from your husband's side. Have a civil conversation with him, give him a diagnosis paperwork to read. Tell him it is important for you. Is he mean to her? Or just complaining to you about her?

This is really good advice. Your eldest, I imagine, realises qualifications are a means to success. Talking about the elephant in the room with your dcs with love and care will give you an opportunity to discuss inequalities and help unburden yourself.

I’d be wanting your dh to shut up on the food front tbh. I hope this is lack of knowledge rather than stupidity. Does he not realise how lucky he is to have dcs, who can fly the nest and be truly financially dependent?

This is what's been playing on my mind recently. I'm in a similar situation, 4 kids between me and my partner. We live separately. Our styles and home lifes are very different too, I really dont see how 2 sets of kids can be expected to live by different standards and rules. One set will always feel unfairly treated. Especially when my partner cant stand any critiscism/comments at all about his parenting. I'll be following this post!

The more you post the more it seems this about your guilt and sadness and the money is a red herring here.

You sound lovely and insightful. That will count for a lot- money isn't everything and having it at a young age isn't aways ideal.

My guilt around the children is incredible. I feel like my terrible choices in life have ruined their lives.

The money thing is a bit of a sticking point but I just feel like we are two separate families existing in the same house.

My dh isn’t mean to my daughter it feels like wilful ignorance a lot of the time. I’m tired of saying I have to pick my battles with her. I just want someone to have my back over it.

My guilt around the children is incredible. I feel like my terrible choices in life have ruined their lives.

Therapy! For you and for them.

@Ohbuggeroffcovid

As I said am fully prepared to be told I’m an evil old hag.

Your not I'd feel the same 😘

Have you got a theory OP? You could be free of this burden.

really dont see how 2 sets of kids can be expected to live by different standards and rules

Blending implies both partners have worked out how to take the different standards and rules and "blend" them. Reality is couples move in together, discuss bedroom allocations and rarely anything else.

I think your guilt is the strongest emotion here plus his lack of understanding over your daughter. Do you feel he lacks empathy and compassion?

Your children may currently be disadvantaged but knowing the value of money is actually a great motivator for life so take a longterm view. If both sets of children have the opportunity to go to Uni then that is equitable. Will your dc's loan for Uni be impacted by your husbands earnings?

Nope we are a very low income family currently thanks to freaking Covid so my dc would be entitled to the maximum maintenance loan.

Sorry @Jobsharenightmare do you mean a therapist? No and dd has been re-referred to camhs and have been told there is 2 year waiting list!

Sounds like you’re doing as well as you can under the circumstances.
Can you talk to your DH about how you feel??