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Original poster

I’m really struggling with our blended family

87 replies

Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 10:38

I have been with my husband for 8 years, I have 2 children he has 2 children we all live together.

Our blended family isn’t working. I am overly protective of my children, he is of his.

My children had a rocky start in life, we were by ourselves for a long time, I had some mental health issues. One of my dc has sen.

The lockdown has highlighted just how much it isn’t working for either of us. Our parenting styles are very different. There is a lot of disparity in the background of the children. His children have large trust funds from their grandparents, mine haven’t. So while his son has been able to go out and buy himself a car, my son hasn’t.

I’m prepared to get flamed. But I just need to hear from those who have a blended family that works. Or hasn’t worked!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 11:18

No we couldn’t really. I know it’s odd being that we are married but that feels like my ideal scenario.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 21/01/2021 11:19

If your eldest is off to uni, be proud and maybe vive la difference?

LaurieFairyCake · 21/01/2021 11:19

Do all the kids get on ?

Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 11:21

They do get on. They are very different personalities. His children seem to have a huge amount of confidence where as mine are more reserved. I think it would be hell if they were both the same.
I feel like I’ve let my kids down so much, I would love them to be more confident. I have so much guilt over the way their father left me and the way I was afterwards. All I want for them is to be happy and settled.

OP posts:
QuentinWinters · 21/01/2021 11:21

Sounds like the money might be a values thing. Your SC are flashing their cash and that grates on you.
Is it bothering your children? If not just recognise it and accept its annoying then move on. If it is maybe your DH could have a word with his kids and say yours are finding it hard.

Your daughters autism is something different, it doesn't sound like you are that "blended" if DH has known her all that time and doesn't recognise what she needs. Maybe he needs to spend a bit more one on one time with her?

Me and DP both have children but don't live together all the time, we have different parenting styles and sometimes things his DC do really grate on me, and vice versa. I try to let as much go as I can because on the whole he and his DC add so much to my life. We also do talk about it and how we both feel a lot which helps.
It is hard though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2021 11:22

Separately not desperately Blush

Living apart sounds ideal?

Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 11:24

It does sound ideal but finances just won’t allow it.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 21/01/2021 11:28

Maybe this is more about your own feelings about how you have fared as a mother.

To me it sounds like your dc are happy and settled and doing great.

Maybe you should process what’s gone on in the past - see a counsellor - and gain confidence in what you have (clearly) achieved with your dc. You’ve clearly done a lot right. But it’s the stuff that can’t be measured in pounds and pence.

bloodyhairy · 21/01/2021 11:31

YABU. This is more about your feelings and insecurities, and less about your stepkids.
If they all get on, surely that's the most important thing Confused
Sorry, but you are projecting big time, and I think you should end the relationship. It's not fair on anyone to carry on as you are.

Musicaldilemma · 21/01/2021 11:39

But you are nearly there OP and your kids will be grown up soon and you have managed this long with your relationship with your partner. Do you still love him? You both need to stop judging each others’ kids especially the ones who are almost adults. I do understand that it is hard for your kids if their “ half” siblings has been given lots of money and they haven’t and that this may bring about the protective mother in you. But it is Covid and things are hard for everyone! I would try and keep your relationship with your partner separate.

movingonup20 · 21/01/2021 11:41

It's never going to be 100% equitable so just concentrate on the things in your power such as love and support, and sharing your resources fairly as far as feasible. My kids thankfully were adults at the time I split from their father but I know they have different opportunities and support from dp's dd eg exh and I have gifted my 2 £50k each for house deposits from the sale of the family home whereas dp's dd hasn't got that but dp has paid for a car. Blended families will always be a compromise.

Mydogmylife · 21/01/2021 11:51

Sounds like the only real issue here is your guilt - and you have nothing to be guilty for! Similarly , his children have no reason to feel bad because they have inherited cash from grandparents.

Branleuse · 21/01/2021 14:35

that sounds really hard OP. Youd hope theyd put it towards moving out rather than bloody gucci

mrstasty · 21/01/2021 15:28

Are SC actually flashing the cash/gloating?

Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 16:23

No not gloating, there is just a noticeable divide.

For example, DSS was able to buy a car outright and insure it for a year straight out the gate. I have been saving up for over a year to buy DS his first car, he is already a year behind lessons because pissing lockdown.

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 21/01/2021 21:16

Could it be your self esteem that is hurting here? In that you feel regret or guilt that your children won't have these choices?

It seems like your SC is behaving like any normal teen who has been given some money - I'd be pleased if mine blew some and invested some at that age.

The divide will always be there and no one is at fault or wrong. Your SC shouldn't have to pretend they don't have this money to make you feel better about what yours can't have.

HotPenguin · 21/01/2021 21:27

Are your kids actually bothered by the money thing? At 18 your DSS could get a great paying job and have more money than your DC, I think that's just life. Your kids will appreciate the value of money more if they have to save and work for things.

The lack of understanding of your DD's autism is more the concern. In my extended family most don't know much at all about autism but they would still never make comments like that to my son with ASD.

Original poster
Ohbuggeroffcovid · 21/01/2021 21:49

I’m not sure that they would tell me if they were jealous or upset over it. My children never ask for much, because when we were by ourselves I never had much money I still don’t!

Yeah the lack of autism awareness grinds me down.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 21/01/2021 21:56

@Ohbuggeroffcovid

I don’t think there is a reasonable solution. Maybe a bit more discretion?
It really doesn’t sound like there’s a reasonable solution, to any of it. Even if they could be more discreet, it’s unfair to make them feel like they have to walk on eggshells in their own home.

The whole thing is probably much more heartbreaking for you as a Mum than it is for your kids. It’s a problem that will go away by itself as they all grow older, and they’ll be there before you know it, you just have to keep coping until then!

harknesswitch · 21/01/2021 22:02

I think if you're saying that your child's behaviour, sen or not, is 'fuck all to do with him' then really his dc and what they do with their money is 'fuck all to do with you' you can't have it both ways

I can see it's hard and can understand you might be resentful, but are your dc resentful? How do your dc feel about it?

Sounds like you're pissed at your dh but the dc on both sides are just getting on with it.

Life isn't fair sometimes, your dc are finding this out the hard way.

jimmyjammy001 · 21/01/2021 23:49

I think you are just feeling bad because your SC have got money to get on and do things in life like buying a car and driving, I guess you didn't know about any trust funds when you first got together, but you should of understood that grand parents will treat their own differently than to someone else's kids and your parenting styles are obviously very different which makes living together I'd imagine pritty tough, your children will one day be proud that they never got any handouts and had to work to earn money for driving lessons, buy a house, where as their friends got given handouts to make life easier for them because there parents knew they wouldn't be able to cope and needed money giving to them to help them through life.

minipie · 22/01/2021 00:25

On the money thing, remember that your DC will always know others who have “more” in some way. Every child knows someone who always has the latest this or that.

It’s a little harder here in that they live with the richer kids so perhaps it’s made more obvious, but they will always know richer kids anyway.

That said: I can’t imagine letting my DC (or grandchildren) blow a generous financial gift on Gucci etc. I was given money early but it was made very clear I was to save it for a future property or something else significant. I would find it weird to be with a partner who allowed his kids to waste and flash their cash like that. Total mismatch of values.

The autism: your DH needs to do some reading about autism, pronto.

SkeletorAttack · 22/01/2021 01:14

Oh OP, this is a tough situation and you are right when you say that the pressure of lockdown etc has brought all this to light.

I am of the mindset that you cannot do for one child, but not for the other. In this case, a blended family cannot work because the children's backgrounds are so different. Have you spoken to your DC privately about how they feel?

They may be unbothered by their step-brothers/sister's inheritance, all things considered. However, it would be so hard for me to see my DC disadvantaged (in the short-term but also longer term eg getting onto the housing ladder with an inherited deposit) especially if you two as parents cannot even things up.

I would worry that the family would split apart in the future, as the inequalities between the DC become so apparent.

When you consider the strained attitude toward your DD, I would be making plans.

Sunflower1970 · 22/01/2021 04:07

I think you will just have to accept the disparity in the finances and try to get over it. In the long run it probably won’t do his kids any favours blowing all that money. Your bigger issue is working on the issue with your daughter

katy1213 · 22/01/2021 05:39

Why do they have to be a 'blended family?' They're not each other's family, they're two sets of adult/nearly adult kids who probably will have less and less to do with each other over the next few years. And anyway, they don't seem that bothered about the money.
Even if they were siblings, there might be disparities - what if one ended up in a spectacularly well-paying job and the other didn't? You wouldn't be able to even out any inequality then.

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