Differing parenting approach, 2.5 year old

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

I'm a bit concerned as a few people have said in rl that this isn't okay. I personally don't agree with dp approach but that didn't means it's nessisarily wrong.
I wfh start at just before 6 and finish 4.30 Mon to Wed and then 6am till 10. 30am Thursday Friday.
Ds goes to childminder at 9.30 Monday to Wed. Thursday Friday dp has him untill I take over at half ten. Dp works all Weekend.
We split it like this due to childcare costs.

The issue is dp won't get up with ds. Ds wakes at between 6.30 and 7.30. He takes ds into bed with him and put TV on for him and tried to nap. I'm already up and working. He won't get up before 9 despite having to leave at 9.25 to take ds to childminder. Ds has no drink or food from waking at 7 or a nappy change.
He then rushes about to feed ds, dress him and leave.

I don't think ds should not have a drink snack or. Clean nappy after 12 hours of sleep for several hours after waking up.
Is that normal? Dp says I'm being ridiculous and gets cross if I bring a drink or snack in for ds as he's trying to sleep.

@BraveGoldie

Yeah I was thinking same. Babies cry if they aren't comfy or are hungry don't they?

I think we mothers often pile a lot of guilt on ourselves to 'super-parent at all times' and overdo it sometimes. Obviously this wouldn't be good parenting 24/7 but a couple of hours a few days a week in the morning.... sitting next to his dad, peaceful and safe... without any sign of protest or distress from the baby? Feels like we are all getting a bit too her up...

The failings of DP are a separate issue - just thinking in terms of whether the baby is actually suffering in any way..

they don't always cry. Not if they learn that their needs arent being met.

And what about the wet nappy?
He needs to parent. That's it really

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

What time does your partner finish work the night before? If he works late shifts then I think you both need to change the routine.

If he's just a lazy arse then he needs a massive kick up the bum.

Not read all the other posts but agree with this.

If OP's boyfriend is working until late then I could understand the need for him to have a lie in for his sanity.

Unless the reason is laziness and he's voluntarily going to bed later than he should, the waiting right up until 9am last minute to wake up and get ready indicates he's really struggling with lack of sleep. At the end of the day we all need a minimum amount of sleep to even be able to function, and for some it's more than others.

I definitely sympathise because chronic lack of sleep affects me much more than the average person, I simply can't cope.

If that's the case, since the OP is up from 6am anyway, it would make sense for her to do the snack and nappy change. There's no need for both parents to be waking early and losing sleep unless it's necessary. Another part of the week or weekend, he takes over so the OP gets rest.

He’s struggling with lack of sleep because he stays up past midnight watching Netflix. It’s not because he’s working.

Seriously, why do women find any excuse to explain away men’s appalling behaviour?? Do we not have any standards anymore, and the bare minimum, even if it’s neglecting a child, is fine because he’s a man?

He suffers from insomnia but always has. So he is tierd but having ds or not makes no difference. He works in the day x 7 days a week while ds is at nursery or I have him. There is no need for him to work late at night but he often falls asleep on sofa watching films till 1 or 1am or tinkers on his website etc as self employed.
No excuses but I'm at work. Its not that possible to work effectively for up to 4 hours and watch at small toddler.

Seriously, why do women find any excuse to explain away men’s appalling behaviour?? Do we not have any standards anymore, and the bare minimum, even if it’s neglecting a child, is fine because he’s a man

In general, yes that happens a fair bit. If a woman had posted this, she would have been absolutely lambasted, even without all of the facts given. Internalised misogyny is, ironically, a bitch.

Lack of sleep is part of being a parent!

Jesus. Please stop defending this.
You might as well be a single parent.

If a mother was leaving her child in a wet nappy for 2 hours on a regular basis because she was tired she would be crucified on here.

I work part time and on my days off we always start the day in bed - but not for 2 hours. I get up, make myself a tea and bring a juice up for DS and we watch some cartoons together and enjoy some snuggles - I certainly wouldn’t try and nap or go back to sleep. I’d say if he wants to chill in bed for a bit fine, but change nappy and get a drink first. He’s taking the biscuit.

I agree it's lazy parenting to do this. Although I'd often let DS stay in our bed until around 8.30-9 at the weekend, he'd have a nappy change immediately on waking (or now it's use the potty/toilet since we're potty training), then a non-spill cup of milk and a snack (crumpet/fruit/oatcakes and cheese) in our bed. Then we'd go down later for porridge and pancakes. Yes, crumbs get in the bed, but if the alternative is getting fully up at 7 versus having some extra reading and TV time...

Though doesn't your DS ask for what he wants? DS has been able to tell us if he's hungry, thirsty, wet or wants to go downstairs and play for a long time (he's just turned 3). If your DS is asking for things and your partner is ignoring him, that's worse.

"Though doesn't your DS ask for what he wants? DS has been able to tell us if he's hungry, thirsty, wet or wants to go downstairs and play for a long time (he's just turned 3). If your DS is asking for things and your partner is ignoring him, that's worse."

A lot of children learn not to ask parents who they suspect don't care about meeting their needs.

I learnt from a young age never to bother my dad for anything as he'd just ignore me.

@TheOtherBoelynGirl. Yes, I guess you must be right . That's so sad.

Is DSs skin ok? ie not red at all?

Do you think he’s hungry or thirsty in that time or seems ok?

I think if DS seems ok with it then it’s not what many of us would do but not the end of the world from a risk and ‘neglect’ perspective

If DS cries would your partner attend to him?

Not red no and not upset.
But if he sees me he asks to go downstairs and gets upset if he can't. He dose not ask dad as he never says yes so maybe learned or maybe he likes it, I don't know.

Is this not upsetting you OP?

Obviously yes as I've started a thread. I'm. Mitigating it but tierd of feeling responsible all the time. Equally though I don't want to be an oversensitive first time parent.

You're not an over sensitive parent.
You're looking out for your child.

It's not great. To put it in context, my DH is hardly parent of the year, but when looking after our DS in the morning, he'll make him pancakes, give him an apple and some milk and then snooze on the sofa while DS bounces on him and watches cartoons. And if DS was left in a wet nappy, I'd be fuming. That's the minimum in my view... if I bully enough, he'll get out the playdoh or build a train set with DS but DS tends to ask to do those things with me. DH is happy to take him to the playground or supermarket, though.

Do they spend other quality time together when your DS isn't being ignored by your DP?

Ermm he goes on school run for older ones of dps. He will watch cartoons and they will read a story if I ask dp to. He will, pre covid, go to grandma's which he likes as they do gardening and play with grandma.
He's never taken him our alone to park etc but sometimes will if his older ones are here or with me if I ask.
Me and ds in our time go out of the house once a day we go to park, to feed ducks, to build tents, play forts, play board games and toys, cook and also do farm stuff with grandparents.

What does your DP do Mon-Wed when your DS is at the childminder? Sorry if you've said already.

Work

Put a snack, A drink and a clean nappy by The bed.

Why should op have to do that? Can a man not get out of bed, get a snack a drink and change a nappy?

@Hyppogriff

Put a snack, A drink and a clean nappy by The bed.

Why? So the lazy git doesn't have to move?

Do you think he'll get up and change the nappy?

No chance.