Differing parenting approach, 2.5 year old

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

I'm a bit concerned as a few people have said in rl that this isn't okay. I personally don't agree with dp approach but that didn't means it's nessisarily wrong.
I wfh start at just before 6 and finish 4.30 Mon to Wed and then 6am till 10. 30am Thursday Friday.
Ds goes to childminder at 9.30 Monday to Wed. Thursday Friday dp has him untill I take over at half ten. Dp works all Weekend.
We split it like this due to childcare costs.

The issue is dp won't get up with ds. Ds wakes at between 6.30 and 7.30. He takes ds into bed with him and put TV on for him and tried to nap. I'm already up and working. He won't get up before 9 despite having to leave at 9.25 to take ds to childminder. Ds has no drink or food from waking at 7 or a nappy change.
He then rushes about to feed ds, dress him and leave.

I don't think ds should not have a drink snack or. Clean nappy after 12 hours of sleep for several hours after waking up.
Is that normal? Dp says I'm being ridiculous and gets cross if I bring a drink or snack in for ds as he's trying to sleep.

@Bootskates

I don't think what he's doing can be described as a "parenting approach".

I would be having words.

I agree with this. My ds has always been an early waker and I don't have an issue with that. He is also a dsturbed sleeper. I've always still got up with him. Reality is, not sorting a nappy change and breakfast and allowing the lack of supervision is neglect. He needs to prioritise ds' needs and understand how to basically care for a child.

He isn't unsupervised as dp is with him.
I think really I need to say its get up and do xy or change nappy have small snack like fruit/drink in bed with you if you wnat that way.
Im concerned esp when he goes to pre school he will need longer to get ready and be ready for school

I can't believe how passive you are OP.
What do you want us all to say? That actually he isn't really that bad. Everyone is telling you he is disgustingly neglectful. Leaving a little child in a wet nappy for hours us truly awful. Where is your anger??

OP why are you so chill when everyone is saying this is practically neglect?

I would be most concerned about the lack of interaction between your dh and ds. It's a long time to leave your child with no chat/ play. If dh was reading him a book or snuggling in chatting with him l would be less worried. There is an element of rejection here for your ds which could have long term consequences.
I don't know one parent who happily jumps out of bed every morning as their child is awake but we all do what's right to do and get up , however reluctantly. Your dh needs to step up and be a proper father.

He's a waste of space and a lousy parent.

I assume he is also a lazy partner..

Why are you with him?

I am at work and I pay the vast majority bills, ultimately I have to work. I am anything but passive.
I have started going up. Bringing him a snack and changing him quickly.
I spoke to dp who says it isn't an issue and ds likes the time with him in the morning. There isn't much else I can really do, I've spoken to him about it at length and taken steps to ensure ds is okay.
He goes to a childminder all day for the 3 days and is with me the other 4 for the majority. He is cared for and very much loved and very much interwcatwd with for the entirety of waking time bar these few hours.

Yes, that is shit.

We changeour baby's nappy as soon as he wakes up, then play for a few minutes before breakfast.

Having a nap while your child is at the childminder all day anyway is also pretty shit. Does he not want to spend time with him? I get not spending every second of the day entertaining them, but you can make a bit of an effort at least.

Makes me feel sad for your little boy.

"I have started going up. Bringing him a snack and changing him quickly.
I spoke to dp who says it isn't an issue and ds likes the time with him in the morning. There isn't much else I can really do, I've spoken to him about it at length and taken steps to ensure ds is okay."

So the solution to the problem is the woman doing more work.

Hurrah for feminism, you get to work outside the house AND do all the childcare too.

Can you bring toys and milk to the room so at least he can drink some nourishment and play with his toys?

So is your DP dropping DS at the childminder still in the nappy he’s slept in? I work in a nursery and if a child was regularly dropped off in a nappy that was clearly from the night before I suspect this would be flagged as a safeguarding issue. A one-off due to unexpected circumstances is fine but that’s just horrible. We have to change nappies every four hours at a minimum but obviously sooner if they are soiled or very full.

Gosh no of course not. He's changed just takes dp 2 hours to sort it. I'm now doing it and bringing ds a snack while he watches his cartoons with daddy.
Dp doesn't see the issue and won't change. So I'm taking steps to make sure my ds is care for the way I want. Yep 100% not feminism but honestly his care is more important to me.
Dp does the childminder runs at 9.30 and either he or me collect him at the end of the day. I do his packed lunch and make sure he has spare clothes, nappies etc in his bag

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Gosh no of course not. He's changed just takes dp 2 hours to sort it. I'm now doing it and bringing ds a snack while he watches his cartoons with daddy. Dp doesn't see the issue and won't change. So I'm taking steps to make sure my ds is care for the way I want. Yep 100% not feminism but honestly his care is more important to me. Dp does the childminder runs at 9.30 and either he or me collect him at the end of the day. I do his packed lunch and make sure he has spare clothes, nappies etc in his bag

Ok sorry that was totally my assumption. Then I do think your DP should make more effort but it’s not as big an issue as I thought. I know if I was in your position I’d feel the same, I’m sure your DS is fine and might even enjoy hanging out in bed with DP but it’s not ideal.

Thanks that makes me feel a bit better.
I think working full time and trying to do everything, esp with all the lockdowns, you start to feel your failing at everything!

If a toddler was coming to me at 9:30am without having breakfast every day I’d be reporting to social services tbh. That’s not lazy, that is neglectful parenting.

Is your child really expected to go 14+ hours without food because your ‘d’p can’t be fucked to get up? That is insanity. Why aren’t you more angry with him??

He has breakfast every single morning at 9, when dp gets up. He's never in his entire life not had breakfast.
My issue was the 2 hour lying about before breakfast is rushed and off to childminder, as its too long without a drink or food. I've now worked around that and it's sorted, although with effort on my part as he has a snack in bed then breakfast at 9.
Dp genuinely thinks I'm mad and it's fine, hence the tread making sure I'm not just being an over protective first time mom.

Look, your DP is doing a shit and selfish job at parenting OP. We can’t tell you he isn’t. Once you have children you can’t be a selfish arse anymore, we’ll if course unless your Male. My concern would be even if you left him he’d still have access to your child but your child would be even more at risk as you wouldn’t be there.

I imagine your relationship is at risk anyway as you won’t forget this. It will have tainted your opinion of him I’m sure. If it were my life I would be having another very large chat about expectations and seeing that you’re the bread winner making sure he understands if you can’t trust him to parent adequately you will have to think about reducing your hours and either he’ll have to pick up the slack work wise or you’ll both be forced to reconsider your lifestyle to accommodate the pay cut.

You need to find a way to light a fire under him and have him believe you.

So you give him an ultimatum. Either he gets his arse out of bed at 6:30 or whenever his child wakes up, and actually parents at an acceptable level, or he leaves.

You should not have to do this. It’s not hard to put a piece of toast on. It’s really not. There is no way I could be with someone that has such disregard for a child’s well-being and needs. There is no redeeming factors here. Your son comes first, not whenever he can be bothered. Awful.

And as for him getting contact if you split up, I’d be pushing for supervised as it is incredibly clear he is not able to parent putting his child’s needs first. I would start documenting everything.

Your dh sounds very lazy; he just can’t be bothered to get up and sort his son out. There’s no need for him to stay up late watching films, he’s meant to be an adult not a teenager. Stop accepting this nonsense

"Yep 100% not feminism but honestly his care is more important to me."

Yes, I assume that is the same for every single woman on the planet.

My point is you've sorted it now but how many more situations are you going to sort out before you realise he's useless?

My 5 year old son wakes up at 5am every day. Every single day haha. Thankfully not in nappies though. He comes into my bed and plays on his iPad until 7/8am when we both go downstairs and I'll do his breakfast. I think a lot of parents do this? Or do they all do breakfast at 5am?

I'd do as you're doing OP, quick change of nappy, offer some water & a snack in bed (if your DH doesn't like it he can get out of bed and sort it). Not sure why your DH can't do it, but with the amount you've clearly got on your plate at the minute I'm not sure it's worth adding more stress to your life .

@Pleaseaddcaffine

I am at work and I pay the vast majority bills, ultimately I have to work. I am anything but passive. I have started going up. Bringing him a snack and changing him quickly. I spoke to dp who says it isn't an issue and ds likes the time with him in the morning. There isn't much else I can really do, I've spoken to him about it at length and taken steps to ensure ds is okay. He goes to a childminder all day for the 3 days and is with me the other 4 for the majority. He is cared for and very much loved and very much interwcatwd with for the entirety of waking time bar these few hours.

Of course there's something you can do! Make some noise. Turn on the lights. stop bringing him stuff like your partner is a teenager! Tell him to get up and look after his child!!!!

You basically have 2 children in th house.

Hoe can you bear to have sex with him? He sounds lazy, which is such an unattractive trait.