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Original poster

Differing parenting approach, 2.5 year old

102 replies

Pleaseaddcaffine · 21/01/2021 07:51

I'm a bit concerned as a few people have said in rl that this isn't okay. I personally don't agree with dp approach but that didn't means it's nessisarily wrong.
I wfh start at just before 6 and finish 4.30 Mon to Wed and then 6am till 10. 30am Thursday Friday.
Ds goes to childminder at 9.30 Monday to Wed. Thursday Friday dp has him untill I take over at half ten. Dp works all Weekend.
We split it like this due to childcare costs.

The issue is dp won't get up with ds. Ds wakes at between 6.30 and 7.30. He takes ds into bed with him and put TV on for him and tried to nap. I'm already up and working. He won't get up before 9 despite having to leave at 9.25 to take ds to childminder. Ds has no drink or food from waking at 7 or a nappy change.
He then rushes about to feed ds, dress him and leave.

I don't think ds should not have a drink snack or. Clean nappy after 12 hours of sleep for several hours after waking up.
Is that normal? Dp says I'm being ridiculous and gets cross if I bring a drink or snack in for ds as he's trying to sleep.

OP posts:
Aalvarino · 29/01/2021 20:41

Also, children that young should never, ever be left eating alone. Choking is a real possibility and it can be silent in children. If his father is asleep he wouldnt necessarily hear. He could also wander off and come to some other harm.

Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/01/2021 06:47

Spoke to dp again, resounding I don't see the issue and he likes cuddle time in mornings. If I want to do so thing different then I will have to be responsible for it and he has flat refused.
So Ive been up since 5.45 watching peppa and doing colouring with ds, while trying to study/work the last few days. Fun times.

OP posts:
Devon1987 · 30/01/2021 07:01

I’m sorry but he is a lazy prick who would rather have a lay in the feed and change his child in a timely manner. It borders on neglect. What’s going to happen if you have another child? I would be raging if my OH tried to fob me off with if you want to do things differently then you deal with it. Is he like that with house work by any chance? He sounds very selfish and only his opinion is valid. I’d be showing him the door as you do want things to be different, he seems to not bring a lot to your life or wish to make your life easier in anyway.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/01/2021 07:09

Don't you find it a turn off?

GreenLeafTurnip · 30/01/2021 07:16

If I'm lucky I get about half an hour in the morning where my son is happy to lie in bed and have a cuddle but after that I get 'pamper wet change!' Shouted at me and I would never dream of leaving him in it for 2.5 hours after waking! You husband sounds like a waste of space especially after your update about you paying most of the bills. I don't doubt you are a great mum but your partner sounds like a crap father.

Kittykat93 · 30/01/2021 07:26

I love sleep and my bed, but by choosing to have a child I've accepted I need to get my arse out of bed early to look after them! He doesn't like the 'cuddles' hes just being a lazy prick. How would he like to be hungry and sitting in piss soaked pants for a few hours in the morning?? I bring my toddler into bed for around 15 mins in the morning then we are up, if I'm knackered he watches tv some mornings but hes always clean and fed.

Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/01/2021 07:48

I agree, clearly, but he's an adult and I cannot force him to do anything.
I can ask, encourage and indicate I'm unhappy with it but he doesn't see a problem.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 30/01/2021 07:52

I certainly wouldn't be doing any cooking or anything for the manchild until he grows the fuck up.

LordOfTheOnionRings · 30/01/2021 07:58

He sounds repulsive. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean you have to do everything for your son, parenting is a two way thing and it's not parenting to sleep next to your child for hours on end. Also, two and a half hours of cartoons for a two year old every morning? Your DP coukd be using that time to talk or read to him. Your DP sounds like a lazy oaf.

Silenceisgolden20 · 30/01/2021 08:08

@Pleaseaddcaffine

I agree, clearly, but he's an adult and I cannot force him to do anything. I can ask, encourage and indicate I'm unhappy with it but he doesn't see a problem.
No but you can do something. You can stop enabling it.
Teacupsandtoast · 30/01/2021 08:17

Id be ripping the duvet off and telling him to get the fuck up and be a parent or fuck off quite frankly. A 20 minute snuggle in bed with a toddler while you rest your eyes a bit longer is fine. 2 hours sleeping abandoning the needs of your child is not

Backbee · 30/01/2021 08:22

Lazy, lazy, lazy. Theres a world of difference doing it very occasionally (and changing nappy and getting them a drink before bringing them into your bed), or if needs must- when I was alone and poorly I bought toast and a drink up for DS but he lay watching telly in bed with me for a bit whilst I mustered the energy to get up. But to do it regularly is pathetic to be honest.

timeisnotaline · 30/01/2021 08:36

‘Do you realise that I like you less watching you fail every single day to prioritise your child’s welfare? If I do most of the looking after my child from 5-8:30 and pack his bag and clothes for childcare you don’t add much. It is likely I eventually start to wonder what you do bring to this family . I don’t like feeling like the only one who will parent when I’m in a relationship with our child’s father. If I were the only one here I’d understand it.’

If you pay most of the bills, what DOES he do? Chooses to work 7 days you said? For what, a few pounds an hour? Or is it a ‘hobby job’?

Original poster
Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/01/2021 08:57

Hobby job tbh although he would disagree.
I think he's a bit depressed, it's got worse with covid and all the struggles etc than it was before.

OP posts:
LordOfTheOnionRings · 30/01/2021 09:09

@Pleaseaddcaffine you're making excuses for him. If you keep enabling him like you do nothing will change. Have fun being a mother of two.

Kittykat93 · 30/01/2021 09:25

I'm depressed too but hey I still care for my kids ffs. You're enabling him

user1471462428 · 30/01/2021 09:42

This could have been written by me including the hobby job. It did end up abusive though as he became angry at being ask to do anything. I left him and now receive more in universal credit than he ever contributed. The kids are more settled and due to receiving universal credit when I go back to work they will go to the childminder they will be properly cared for, fed and actually shown some attention.

buffalowing · 30/01/2021 09:59

I can relate to this, my husband would still tend to be quite lazy if he feels he's been woken earlier than he should be. My wee one is 3.5 abs makes it very clear if he wants to get up or if he's hungry. He goes on and on and on for his dad to get up with him - his dad is his favourite so I can lie on quite happily at times lol - husband has had to get used to it. He adores his son slightly more than sleep (jokes but also true).

Husband would have tried to do the same when wee one was smaller and would still try to sleep on the couch and let wee one run about after getting him breakfast but as they get older you can't get away with that as they don't let you so I suppose what I'm trying to say is stick it out and your little one will soon be vocal enough for you.

Whilst in an ideal world your husband would just listen and respect what you say, it's not always that easy. My husband and I had a really rough time for a few years and we're only really starting to come out the other side now. We fought about a lot of things like this because he didn't feel respected as a father and I was trying to tell him what to - he should be getting up there's no doubt about it but it doesn't sound like you're getting listened to.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2021 11:00

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Spoke to dp again, resounding I don't see the issue and he likes cuddle time in mornings. If I want to do so thing different then I will have to be responsible for it and he has flat refused. So Ive been up since 5.45 watching peppa and doing colouring with ds, while trying to study/work the last few days. Fun times.
If you do all the work and bring in all the money, why is he still there?
Nanny0gg · 30/01/2021 11:01

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Hobby job tbh although he would disagree. I think he's a bit depressed, it's got worse with covid and all the struggles etc than it was before.
How many depressed mothers still parent their children.

Please don't use depression as an excuse.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2021 11:02

@Pleaseaddcaffine

I agree, clearly, but he's an adult and I cannot force him to do anything. I can ask, encourage and indicate I'm unhappy with it but he doesn't see a problem.
No. You can't force him to do anything.

But you can decide if you're happy to put up with it.

Gwegowygwiggs · 30/01/2021 11:05

Unpopular opinion but surely if DS is hungry, at 2.5 he’s capable of asking for food or indicating that he wants something to eat?
At weekends, DS (21 months) wakes a similar time, between 6:30-7:30, and comes straight into our bed for cuddles and cartoons. He then goes down for breakfast around 8ish (even if he’s woken early at 6:30). If he asks for something sooner then he has dry cereal or raisins in bed. I don’t think it’s uncommon for young kids to get into bed with their parents for a cuddle in the mornings, the only issue is if DS is hungry / thirsty and not offered anything. Is he verbal?

BraveGoldie · 30/01/2021 11:14

Yeah I was thinking same. Babies cry if they aren't comfy or are hungry don't they?

I think we mothers often pile a lot of guilt on ourselves to 'super-parent at all times' and overdo it sometimes. Obviously this wouldn't be good parenting 24/7 but a couple of hours a few days a week in the morning.... sitting next to his dad, peaceful and safe... without any sign of protest or distress from the baby? Feels like we are all getting a bit too her up...

The failings of DP are a separate issue - just thinking in terms of whether the baby is actually suffering in any way..

Ostryga · 30/01/2021 11:16

@Gwegowygwiggs it’s not the child’s fault!! Bloody hell. He is a child, his father should be preempting his needs, and making sure he is clean, dry, fed and watered at an appropriate time.

Backbee · 30/01/2021 11:36

Toddlers don't tend to cry when hungry in the same way babies do, but really is the level of parenting after they haven't eaten all night or had a change of nappy 'lets wait until he is so hungry/uncomfortable/distressed that he cries before carrying out basic tasks that ensure the minimum standard of care'. Even if he got up, made breakfast and got him changed and then relaxed in front of the telly or whatever that would be better than every time he has to get up with him to do what he does and then rush around to get him to childcare.