Healing From Codependency

[Readingandrighting]

Separated from my husband recently, a horrendous friendship break-up last year, fraught friendships, intense internal anger, insomnia and yet I’m cheerful, happy-clappy sort (but I’m working on being truer to my emotions) ... & I’m 40.

I have read Codependent No More twice & I’m back seeing a therapist. I do have good friendships in my life too and I generally get on well with people but codependency is an emotional crutch and an unhealthy habit that I really want to work on before entering another codependent relationship (if I’m lucky enough to meet someone).

Does anyone have experience of this? Any tips, other books, nuggets of wisdom or advice? Thank you.

@Narniacalling

I can’t relate. I’ve always been with me who chased & wanted me regardless of how I felt. Then I get in & cannot get out.

*men

Do people know what they want though?
I feel like I’m so scrambled I just don’t know.
And I’ve had therapy for years!!

I know what I want: I want to feel happy, to stop looking back, to stop feeling guilty my marriage broke down & to stop feeling so heartbroken & sad.

@poppyzbrite4

God no! Who on earth told you you were a bad person? It doesn't make you a bad person at all. If you know what's going on, then it's a matter of learning how to not react and to realise when you're being triggered.

It's hard though. I may say - sorry you're going through a tough time. I hope things work themselves out - but I'm sitting on my hands, fighting a compulsive need to start sorting out their life. I also feel very guilty and it will really bother me.

Yeah, that'd probably be me saying I'm a horrible person! It's not so much the constant looking after him, more that I got angry when he didn't pay attention. Then wanting him to be there for me always and then feeling suffocated and pushing him away again

[quote Narniacalling]@MissLI
Yes maybe it was you. But it totally struck a cord. And it makes me feel uncomfortable because wanting to be adored and the most important person in someone’s life, like they can’t live without me, seems really self absorbed and entitled. Am I that much of a horrible person...[/quote]
This

But we're not self obsessed or horrible, are we, in all honesty? We just lack confidence/ self esteem and need reassurance

@Readingandrighting it's hard, I've been doing that for years. Look after yourself, distract yourself, watch something funny, whatever helps, talk to us here.

@Readingandrighting so much of what you've said I can relate to. I've never chosen anyone, always taken who's shown interest and not left. 3 long term relationships, all dire for different reasons. I also felt sorry for my partner, he would message and tell me he couldn't sleep and felt ill because he was heartbroken and I'd go back because I thought I could fix him, makeit better. I never could

@MissLI That's really sounds like co dependence. Running around after him, then wanting him to return that care and attention and getting upset when he doesn't.

He probably didn't ask you to do anything for him at all. I feel very resentful when my compulsive need to go above and beyond, isn't returned. Why the should they? Relationships aren't transactional, give because you want to, don't if you don't want to. Own your shit.

If you're with someone who never wants to support you or pay you attention, ask yourself what you're doing in the relationship in the first place? What are you getting out of it because there will be a pay off. Ask yourself why you're having to beg someone who is meant to love you, for crumbs? Turn the attention back onto yourself.

Thanks @MissLI

I wish it wasn’t so painful but it is.

I do that too-I go the extra mile for people & get upset when they don’t even nearly reciprocate. I’m slowly improving a lot in that regard as it was one of the easier elements to pull back on with friends - relationships really are tough though, no doubt about it.

Love to you all you’re the only people who I can relate to. None of my friends or family seem to have the same kind of issues (they have Their own issues though!).

@readingandrighting you need to tune in to what you want in a more direct way. I want to be happy, I want to not look back are too abstract and greater goals. You need to get back to basics. What do you like to eat. Favourite food. Favourite travel. Hobbies? Friends? Tune in to how they feel, would you rather have something else? I had a lot of therapy in this area after a traumatic birth as I ran around (encouraged by those people) appeasing people rather than being cherished and cared for or even just comforted as I should have been. I had to re-learn how to tune into my emotions and what I was feeling, gut feelings, what I like and what I want. Then use boundaries to enforce. It can be stupid things like I love takeout curry but DH hates it so we rarely had it if ever. Now I pay extra to order what I want for myself because why shouldn't I have what I want once I a while. I also started a business that I really wanted when family always talk about me staying in my stable (but high stress and unfulfilling) job. So fuck them, I just did it without even telling them. That's how you move forward and enact change

@blackcat86 that's a good way of looking at it. I've been a mother for the past 33 years, youngest is 19 and still needs me a lot. There's been no me really since I was 23. I don't know what I like anymore but will think about it. I finally want my happy time.

Thanks @blackcat86

I see what you mean. Instead of saying ‘I want to be happy’ I need to figure out what makes me happy. I’m really into food & have that side of things nailed but in the rest of my life it’s not always as clear. It’s the loneliness that’s so hard.

That's exactly what I mean. What would your perfect day be? Not grand stuff, just a really nice day off. What would you do for yourself? I started with a list of questions like that. Other things were, what are my values? Where do I want to be in 5 years (not yes but the school run, yes but what would DPs think, yes but I could never do it), what makes you feel happy or positive? Etc. So I thought back to things I did for myself when I was off work poorly and awaiting surgery. Everyday I did yoga and a walk, sat in the sunshine, ate well with a mix of yummy and nutritious food, watched crap I liked in telly (not what someone else wanted), read books of a genre I enjoy...slowly I remember what I liked and what makes me feel good.

Are you having cognitive analytic therapy? That would support you perfectly in exploring these patterns and working to help you get unstuck xx the first step is having insight so you've fought half the battle! Good luck OP x

Thanks @blackcat86 Self-care is so important, you are right. I resisted contacting my ex today during one of the lowest points. I lay on the bed& cried. Feeling my feelings like that without contacting him was a minor victory for me.

@Missingthebridegene
Thank you. The type of therapy I’m getting is more rooted in uncovering & healing trauma. Cognitive analytic therapy may well suit as well ... I’ll look into it. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll do the trauma-based therapy as uncovering a trauma can linger in the mind... however, I bond with my therapist & I really really like her & feel comfortable with her & I need it right now (I had some negative experiences with therapists before her).

[quote Readingandrighting]@poppyzbrite4

Thanks for sharing. I hear you & I can relate to so much of what you write. I do have some reciprocal relationships now and it’s partly luck and partly because we’re not that close and partly because my codependency is at its absolute worst in romantic relationships. However I’ve had horrifically codependent friendships until quite recently and I’ve seen friendships destroyed by my over-investment and their taking advantage of me . I had one friend who bawled every time she saw me & said I was better than any therapist (she refused to go to therapy). I ended up in therapy talking about her ! Nuts.

Another friend — a couple actually — I became their unnamed marriage counsellor. It all became too much and I ended up falling out with her. I still feel obsessed with them & their lives even though she & I haven’t spoken in a year. I still feel intense anger at her sometimes, sometimes I feel full of love & forgiveness!

Codependent No More is a terrific book but I feel I need to learn more about the HOW: how to develop healthy boundaries & friendships, how to have a healthy romantic relationship, how to stop obsessing about others & think of myself. My progress has been majorly stunted by this. So much of my mental energy goes on thinking about others.[/quote]
I know this thread is old, but I’m here as I did a search looking for comfort, my relationship has ended (at his narcissistic hand) and even though it was GRUESOMELY dysfunctional and toxic I am devastated. There is a wonderful book by Terri Cole called Boundary Boss. Recommended to me by my therapist.