@MissLI I think it depends on the relationship and I also think that, although co dependants have similar traits they may have different ways of expressing that, so it's difficult to say.
I choose people to dance the co dependant dance with. I am frightened of intimacy and organising other people's lives, helping them deal with their own shit, taking responsibility for both them and me, is a powerful dynamic. I never have to accept getting my needs met, as it makes me anxious and I feel a loss of control. Depending on myself and others depending on me, makes me feel less anxious and more in control.
I come from a chaotic, alcoholic background and realised a while ago, that I had never been in a loving relationship where my needs were met. I take on too much at work, take on too much for my friends and relationships. Am taken advantage of and dumped when I eventually won't do it anymore.
While I was being diagnosed with a chronic illness and in a lot of pain, I was working two jobs and studying for a masters. Alongside that, I was helping a relative to get into further education, they are particularly difficult and incapable of doing anything on their own initiative so a call, on my way home from work, might be:
Have you filled out that form?
No.
Do you want to open your laptop and retrieve the form
Waits
Ok, what's the first line (wait while they fill out their name and address)
Help them through the form and so on
I did that for nine months and then they dropped out of the course and everyone blamed me because I hadn't supported him through the course. The stress and added responsibility on top of everything else I was going through added to my illness and made me worse - but I kept going.
I was very lonely and stayed in toxic and abusive relationships where I gave everything (met their needs in everything but didn't get any of mine met) because feeling needed felt like being wanted. Being with toxic people was better than being alone.
I'm triggered in co dependent relationships as well. If I don't know what's happening because I'm with a fuckwit, it triggers anxiety in me and my behaviour becomes compulsive. What I mean by compulsive is that I experience unbelievable anxiety that I cant' control and need to take some kind of action in order to alleviate it. Similar to OCD.
In answer to your question, if you're not in a co dependent relationship, then of course you can work on your co dependence. If you're in a co dependent relationship I can imagine it will be a lot harder as the relationship will be pressing all your buttons. You may find it very hard to make changes because it will be easy to get drawn back in.
I thought I was clever never having got into a relationship with a drug addict or alcoholic but I had relationships with workaholics and sex addicts instead. So I was just continuing the co dependence I had experienced from childhood with different addicts. What all of them had in common was almost pathological selfishness.