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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Healing From Codependency

93 replies

Readingandrighting · 19/01/2021 21:53

Separated from my husband recently, a horrendous friendship break-up last year, fraught friendships, intense internal anger, insomnia and yet I’m cheerful, happy-clappy sort (but I’m working on being truer to my emotions) ... & I’m 40.

I have read Codependent No More twice & I’m back seeing a therapist. I do have good friendships in my life too and I generally get on well with people but codependency is an emotional crutch and an unhealthy habit that I really want to work on before entering another codependent relationship (if I’m lucky enough to meet someone).

Does anyone have experience of this? Any tips, other books, nuggets of wisdom or advice? Thank you.

OP posts:
Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 12:20

How do you break free of it though.
I’m like you and wasted my child bearing years trying to fix an abuser. Even though now I struggle to see him as that.
I started seeing someone new after a few years single, and I am struggling with him not behaving how I would, I am always putting him first and consider him in every decision I make, he doesn’t. Which is probably normal. But I find misled getting really wound up by it.

Readingandrighting · 24/01/2021 12:20

though not tonight!! GrinGrin @MissLI

OP posts:
Readingandrighting · 24/01/2021 12:23

@Narniacalling

That’s what I’d like to know too and that’s why I started this thread. Melody Beatty described me & helped me to identify myself as codependent & move towards self-acceptance but I don’t know HOW to change. I’m
Afraid of a new relationship. While I think women often out men ahead in a way men often don’t, codependency brings it to a whole new level! You get it — we literally wasted our child-bearing years which is heartbreaking but we can’t turn back the clock.

OP posts:
Readingandrighting · 24/01/2021 12:23

*put

OP posts:
Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 12:29

At the moment I’m bottling up my hurt form his behaviour- which is sort of normal behaviour and he doesn’t need fixing, he’s sure of his own needs. He doesn’t need me as much as my ex and that hurts even though I know I was literally being sucked dry by my ex.

my ex who was a real areshole, I would spend all of my time and energy trying to fix him.

I feel like I’m not making sense. Sometimes I feel like nothing makes sense in my head. All so confusing. Maybe I can force myself to be more chilled about the new person.

Readingandrighting · 24/01/2021 12:35

@Narniacalling

You make perfect sense to me. Speak about your real feelings & needs to him & ask yourself how happy you are with him really.

OP posts:
newtb · 24/01/2021 12:44

There's a book called Boundaries and Relationships by Charles Whitfield which is good and has some interesting bits about healthy/unhealthy narcissism. My late DM had every unhealthy facet ticked. His books are good as are John Bradshaw's.

Parsley1234 · 24/01/2021 13:00

I will say what I did but it is a work in progress and recovery is not linear I don’t think sadly I did CODA 12 steps with therapy in my 30s then I met a sex addict in my 40s that I cdnt leave so more by luck than judgement I got a kick ass therapist who never judged but just kept validating me and also she was realistic I then got to a point where I met someone else and then I got really freaked out but through the therapy i have had I was able to be ok with myself and state what I needed and wanted. Codependency is a bitch I didn’t even realise I was codependent 🥴 but Alanon and Coda are great places and they are all online right now but also ask me anything if I can help anyone I will

oreo2020 · 24/01/2021 13:09

@MissLI I am in a similar position that you were in (codependent- need to break off - he loves too much and suffocates me), how did you manage to break off?

MissLI · 24/01/2021 13:19

@oreo2020 I didn't Sad I pushed him too far and he said he couldn't do it anymore Sad I would have carried on I think because I love him. But the relationship wasn't good for either of us. It's very hard isn't it? I wrote long lists of why it wouldn't work and just kept reading them. If you're a stronger person than I am maybe that will help you break it off.

oreo2020 · 24/01/2021 13:25

@MissLI thanks.. I manage to break off and was blissfully happy for few weeks until he came back and proposed and pestered no end and I felt too weak and accepted his proposal. He seems happy - i know he is wrong for me for many reasons.

MissLI · 24/01/2021 13:26

How do you start to tell your partner what you need? I have this mental block. I know I need to but just can't say the words. I don't even know why. It didn't help that my ex was very sensitive and upset if I wouldn't spend all my time with him. I thought if he really loved me a relationship where we didn't spend all our time together would be better than nothing, but it wasn't enough for him. I kept on trying to keep him happy until I'd start to resent it and pushed him away again, then missed him, got back together ... and it repeated itself on and on. I need to learn to say when something has to change, I need to learn not to give too much too early but to keep my independence. I just Sony know how.

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 13:32

Yes what do I need. Someone else wrote on another thread that I need to be wanted and needed and adored, like I’m their saviour. And then if they don’t I get annoyed. And if they do then I get annoyed too, because they’re draining me.
So I’m dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t.

MissLI · 24/01/2021 13:32

@oreo2020 I understand that, I've done it many times, been happy, and then he makes contact and I go back to him. I know how difficult it is and it's your decision, but if you aren't happy and you know it won't work you need to separate from him and do everything you can to not have contact with him again, block him everywhere, delete his number. You deserve to be happy. He is responsible for his own happiness, not you. I can't tell you what to do, although that seems to be what I always do 😣

If you want to pm me so we don't take over the thread feel free.

poppyzbrite4 · 24/01/2021 13:36

@MissLI I think it depends on the relationship and I also think that, although co dependants have similar traits they may have different ways of expressing that, so it's difficult to say.

I choose people to dance the co dependant dance with. I am frightened of intimacy and organising other people's lives, helping them deal with their own shit, taking responsibility for both them and me, is a powerful dynamic. I never have to accept getting my needs met, as it makes me anxious and I feel a loss of control. Depending on myself and others depending on me, makes me feel less anxious and more in control.

I come from a chaotic, alcoholic background and realised a while ago, that I had never been in a loving relationship where my needs were met. I take on too much at work, take on too much for my friends and relationships. Am taken advantage of and dumped when I eventually won't do it anymore.

While I was being diagnosed with a chronic illness and in a lot of pain, I was working two jobs and studying for a masters. Alongside that, I was helping a relative to get into further education, they are particularly difficult and incapable of doing anything on their own initiative so a call, on my way home from work, might be:

Have you filled out that form?
No.
Do you want to open your laptop and retrieve the form
Waits
Ok, what's the first line (wait while they fill out their name and address)
Help them through the form and so on

I did that for nine months and then they dropped out of the course and everyone blamed me because I hadn't supported him through the course. The stress and added responsibility on top of everything else I was going through added to my illness and made me worse - but I kept going.

I was very lonely and stayed in toxic and abusive relationships where I gave everything (met their needs in everything but didn't get any of mine met) because feeling needed felt like being wanted. Being with toxic people was better than being alone.

I'm triggered in co dependent relationships as well. If I don't know what's happening because I'm with a fuckwit, it triggers anxiety in me and my behaviour becomes compulsive. What I mean by compulsive is that I experience unbelievable anxiety that I cant' control and need to take some kind of action in order to alleviate it. Similar to OCD.

In answer to your question, if you're not in a co dependent relationship, then of course you can work on your co dependence. If you're in a co dependent relationship I can imagine it will be a lot harder as the relationship will be pressing all your buttons. You may find it very hard to make changes because it will be easy to get drawn back in.

I thought I was clever never having got into a relationship with a drug addict or alcoholic but I had relationships with workaholics and sex addicts instead. So I was just continuing the co dependence I had experienced from childhood with different addicts. What all of them had in common was almost pathological selfishness.

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 13:42

Pathological selfishness. Yes that’s all my exes.
With friends I am a lot better, and with work. It all manifests itself with relationships

MissLI · 24/01/2021 13:58

@poppyzbrite4 I do most of that too. Except for the addicts. My last partner was totally lacking self esteem and our relationship was his whole life, he had no friends. It was too much pressure for me.

Now I've met someone confident, who has his own life too and I'd like to see what it turns into. I just don't want to end up in the same situation, needing attention to feel valid.

poppyzbrite4 · 24/01/2021 14:15

If you're not with someone who fills those co dependent moves, then it's just a matter of 'I'm ok, you're ok'. Owing your own stuff and letting him get on with his. Not taking on too much responsibility.

You see co dependence a lot with the partners of alcoholics who enable them to keep drinking because they literally run their lives for them. They confuse that with love, it's not love.

I'm not talking about helping someone out when they need a hand, I'm talking about taking on the full burden of someone else's life. Phoning work for them, helping them into bed, lying for them, buying them booze. Phoning around for therapy and support groups for them. That kind of thing. Their life is completely consumed with someone else and they have nothing else. Constantly thinking, is he drinking today? Bet he's down the pub? Where is he? and on and on.

Read up on transactional analysis as well so you can get out of the drama triangle that most co dependents are trapped in.

It's so freeing so say to someone, own your shit. Take responsibility. And get on with your life. You'll see the dynamic shift in the relationship once you stop the dance and step outside it.

MissLI · 24/01/2021 14:22

Thanks for explaining it, I think I understand now. I did all that, telling him what he needed to do, sending him links, reminding him to do it. But only because he was hopeless ... a more independent person wouldn't need that and I'd like to think I wouldn't do it then.

poppyzbrite4 · 24/01/2021 14:31

But it's actually ok for you not to do those things. For a grown adult to take care of themselves, to take responsibility for their own life. You get lots of hopeless men because they've always had someone running around after them taking responsibility.

How about just saying - I'm sorry things are bad for you right now, I hope you get the support you need. Do you want pizza for dinner? I fancy a take out. - end of story, rather than looking up websites and resources and acting like a caseworker.

MissLI · 24/01/2021 14:49

Yes, I guess that's what a normal person does. I haven't been normal for a long time 😣

But it all helps, I understand now why certain things happened. I thought I was a horrible person and have been beating myself up all this time, which doesn't help. But I was just reaching out for something I wasn't getting and eventually becoming overwhelmed and resenting all the time and effort I put into it which he ignored. Not his fault either. But it doesn't make me a bad person.

MissLI · 24/01/2021 14:54

@Narniacalling

Yes what do I need. Someone else wrote on another thread that I need to be wanted and needed and adored, like I’m their saviour. And then if they don’t I get annoyed. And if they do then I get annoyed too, because they’re draining me. So I’m dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t.
I could have written this Narnia . I didn't realise I was craving adoration until very recently. I hated it when he didn't pay attention to me, didn't reply to my messages straight away. Felt like I was a psycho 😣 All I've wanted is a man who would also look after me, instead of just the other way round. But I've only dated manchildren 😔 But obviously my behaviour hasn't helped. I've enabled them.
poppyzbrite4 · 24/01/2021 14:56

God no! Who on earth told you you were a bad person? It doesn't make you a bad person at all. If you know what's going on, then it's a matter of learning how to not react and to realise when you're being triggered.

It's hard though. I may say - sorry you're going through a tough time. I hope things work themselves out - but I'm sitting on my hands, fighting a compulsive need to start sorting out their life. I also feel very guilty and it will really bother me.

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 15:16

@MissLI
Yes maybe it was you. But it totally struck a cord. And it makes me feel uncomfortable because wanting to be adored and the most important person in someone’s life, like they can’t live without me, seems really self absorbed and entitled. Am I that much of a horrible person...

Readingandrighting · 24/01/2021 15:19

@poppyzbrite4

I'm triggered in co dependent relationships as well. If I don't know what's happening because I'm with a fuckwit, it triggers anxiety in me and my behaviour becomes compulsive. What I mean by compulsive is that I experience unbelievable anxiety that I cant' control and need to take some kind of action in order to alleviate it. Similar to OCD

You’ve described me to a tee.

I’m really missing my ex husband today & can’t stop crying. Up until now I would have rung him & arranged to see him to plaster over the emotion. This is the really hard part. I’ve had 13 years of running back.

@MissLI & @oreo2020

I can completely relate to not being able to get out of a relationship. If my husband hadn’t finally agreed to our separation, I couldn’t have gone through with it. He also lovebombed & lured me back many times. I take responsibility for going back & I don’t blame him. I used to feel desperately sorry for him because he told me he couldn’t go on without me. It feels like hell at times being on this seesaw. I miss him so much but after 4 breakups I have to finally accept this needs to be the last one. 😞 the sadness has such depth.

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