Healing From Codependency

[Readingandrighting]

Separated from my husband recently, a horrendous friendship break-up last year, fraught friendships, intense internal anger, insomnia and yet I’m cheerful, happy-clappy sort (but I’m working on being truer to my emotions) ... & I’m 40.

I have read Codependent No More twice & I’m back seeing a therapist. I do have good friendships in my life too and I generally get on well with people but codependency is an emotional crutch and an unhealthy habit that I really want to work on before entering another codependent relationship (if I’m lucky enough to meet someone).

Does anyone have experience of this? Any tips, other books, nuggets of wisdom or advice? Thank you.

No but following with interest

@classiestgal

Yes. I think many people are affected (& of course many aren’t).

I found this last night. You might find it helpful:

blog.clinicalcareconsultants.com/spann-fischer-codependency-scale/

When I realised I was codependent it was such a revelation for me. I only wish I had discovered it sooner. I spent ten years running or being lured back to a doomed relationship. It cost me a whole type of life I could have had. Better late than never though I suppose!

I've found just living on my own (with DCs) for a few years very helpful. Its given me the space to figure out who I am, what I like and how I want things to be. That is the foundation of being able to communicate these to others and have boundaries. Still a work in progress mind you! But don't rush into any new relationships and certainly not living together.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

Thank you. At 40, I don’t have time on my side if I want children (even though it becomes less of a possibility with every passing month).

Also following with interest.

I’m clinging on to my failed marriage despite my better judgment.

For most, codependency is a lifelong battle, like alcoholism. Especially if learned in childhood... from a codependent parent.

It's great that you are getting a handle on things but please put kids on the faaaaar backburner.

Its wise with codependency to stay single a while to work on it and when you find a new partner, to take things really slow. Just incase.

Sorry to be a downer.

@Wanderlusto

Thank you & I admit that my life experience would suggest you’re right. After a break-up from my codependent relationship, I got into an even more codependent relationship with an unstable, unemployed, erratic man. I still clung on for dear life & tried to fix things with him...

However I’ve grown a lot since then & I’ve done some deep reflection. I’d love to find love & am open to it.

@CluelessnotShoeless

I’m sorry to hear about your marriage. I know only too well how you feel. Codependent people feel the pain of break-ups with a much deeper intensity than most others. It makes it so hard for us to let go. I couldn’t have gone through with my marriage separation without my therapist & some maltreatment that made me question just how much I was willing to put up with (despite appearing strong & together).

I'm co dependent OP. I have been in some terrible and dysfunctional relationships and friendships. My need to "fix" people and situations is a compulsion. Lots of people take advantage of my "helpful" read co dependent nature as I'll do anything for them and put myself and my feelings last.

I come from a background in alcoholism and abuse and co dependence is my way of controlling my relationships. It's an awful, awful trait to have. I am learning to spot my triggers and guilt. I can't seem to stop and feel bad if I'm not helping someone in need, going above and beyond.

One day I looked around and realised that I had no reciprocal relationships at all. Just a line of outstretched hands taking anything I could give with no thought or concern for me. I'm so angry at the way I've allowed myself to be treated.

I've also read co dependent no more. I have therapy and I try to sit with my feelings more. It's like a kind of OCD with me, in that I suffer from terrible anxiety and can't rest if I'm not fixing something. It's hard for me to say that's your problem and not mine to deal with!

Very frustrating. I become obsessed. I'm also doing meditation as well so I am aware of those feelings and thoughts.

@poppyzbrite4

Thanks for sharing. I hear you & I can relate to so much of what you write. I do have some reciprocal relationships now and it’s partly luck and partly because we’re not that close and partly because my codependency is at its absolute worst in romantic relationships. However I’ve had horrifically codependent friendships until quite recently and I’ve seen friendships destroyed by my over-investment and their taking advantage of me . I had one friend who bawled every time she saw me & said I was better than any therapist (she refused to go to therapy). I ended up in therapy talking about her ! Nuts.

Another friend — a couple actually — I became their unnamed marriage counsellor. It all became too much and I ended up falling out with her. I still feel obsessed with them & their lives even though she & I haven’t spoken in a year. I still feel intense anger at her sometimes, sometimes I feel full of love & forgiveness!

Codependent No More is a terrific book but I feel I need to learn more about the HOW: how to develop healthy boundaries & friendships, how to have a healthy romantic relationship, how to stop obsessing about others & think of myself. My progress has been majorly stunted by this. So much of my mental energy goes on thinking about others.

It's hard for me to say that's your problem and not mine to deal with

I Could’ve written that. The friendships I have now are distant enough. I’m scared of getting too close as the same aul pattern seems to play out and I simply attract people with problems of people in need.

*or people in need

Hey OP, I’m in the same boat 🙂 just separated from my husband and my best friend “Broke up” with me last year too.
It’s shit! I think I’m codependent too, I probably should read that book!

I have no real advice but I’m happy to chat, empathise and hand hold

@RabbitsGoneRogue
I think this thread is turning into more of a support thread anyhow.

It’s amazing how much we have in common. I’m still reeling from the friendship break up. It’s so painful isn’t it? I’m trying to sleep but thoughts are just churning in my mind.

If you’re wondering if you’re codependent the link I posted upthread is a kind of quasi diagnostic tool.

Yes OP. I also become people's therapists and case workers. Certain types will take advantage of that and when you start standing your ground you can get some real rage! The supply is suddenly cut off and they do not like that at all.

I have been emotionally and physically exhausted by it at certain points. I had a friends of twenty years and was so hurt by her behaviour. She was so cruel to me, using me for someone to off load to and talk to while laughing at me behind my back and treating me badly. Of course, my reaction to that is to be "better" and do my best to win them around. All learned from childhood. What I do now is walk away.

You could try CoDA which has meetings as well as Co dependence for Dummies which has more guidance on how to stop.

I think it's important to learn how to feel your feelings because co dependents don't listen to their feelings at all. They don't know what their feelings or needs are.

I become obsessed as well in romantic relationships. It's a struggle to control myself. Therapy might help as well as meditation so you can try to catch those thoughts. Here's me helping like a good co dependent does!

Well I did ask for advice. It’s unsolicited advice that is the issue for codependents. I think readers of this thread are hungry for advice. Ive given advice too I’ve heard of CoDa. I just thought it wasn’t the right fit when I looked into it. I see a therapist and I try meditation . I struggle to stick with it regularly ....

Becoming people’s therapists is my biggest issue. It’s interesting you have the same issue. The friend who I ended up in therapy over was definitely angry when I distanced myself but I regularly think of how to make it up to her & like my relationships, I went back time & time again!

I can completely relate to the obsessiveness in relationships. I can’t be casual. I’ve been on two dates & thinking day & night of him — takes all the fun out of it!

I’m actually pretty good at naming my feelings & am emotionally aware but I often choose to ignore them. I suffer with chronic pain but I go around pretending to be fine!

Anyhow insomnia tonight doesn’t help the healing process. I read a good article last night all about how difficult break ups are for codependents. It was 20 years too late but better late than never. It said to not contact your ex so I’m now vowing to stop contacting him & finally getting around to grieving & healing.

Sorry this post is so long. I get a bit unregulated from lack of sleep.

This article was helpful for me. Some of you might find it useful too:

risingwoman.com/healing-codependency-and-love-addiction/

I might try CoDa. One of the 12 steps is to make amends to everyone you’ve affected. I’m not sure how that would work to be honest ...

My longest term relationship was abusive. He was extremely controlling and he did make all the decisions, about nearly everything. I lost my friends, my independence, eventually stopped working (at his request).

I was very young when I met him, and came from a troubled background. I didn't notice the controlling aspect to his personality until it had overwhelmed me. I certainly wasn't happy with it. I'd always enjoyed being independent.

I've been reading about codependency on the back of this thread and it kind of sounds like that's what I am, or at least what my relationship was... But I'm a bit confused as I feel like that wasn't really me (tbh I kind of feel like I was groomed into it but I would never say that to anyone. I was just very young when I met him and he was 10 years older). Am I codependent, or was that just one bad relationship? I don't really understand.

@BaggoMcoys

I don’t know ... I would wonder if you’re like that in other areas of life or relationships. I see a pattern running through my relationships & friendships. Even in work people come to me with their problems ... keep reading up about codependency & you might figure it out...

However knowing you are is only halfway there ... I now need to figure out how to be happy which isn’t so easy.

Good luck with it op. I really don't know about myself. Some of it does seem to ring true for me. I definitely have trouble exerting my own boundaries but I think that was something I really picked up from the relationship, I've not long been out of it. I'm doing a lot of reading on anxiety and confidence etc to try and boost myself. I think I'm headed in the right direction at least.

I don't know if it will be any help for you, but what's helped me is reading a lot of self help type books. I had a free months subscription on Scribd so was making good use of that. I've started keeping a sort of journal type thing where I write things down. Not exactly a diary, but I write like to-do list type of things to help me stay motivated, personal goals, if I have any worries I write about them and "worst case scenarios" etc. Also one activity I read about online is called the "I like myself" game. You basically write a list of things that you like about yourself, without being humble. No ifs, no buts. I think it helps with your self esteem, and having a good self esteem helps with a lot of things I think.

Not sure if any of that would be useful in your situation, but writing things down and reading have definitely helped with my mindset and overall mood.

@BaggoMcoys

I agree. I’ve read a lot of self-development books and at this stage feel full of them but I plan to read a couple more about codependency but I’d like to first find out which ones are best as there are quite a few!

Good for you increasing your self-esteem. The list is a great idea. We can get so bogged down in our faults. Great to remember we are good people.

I felt a bit vain and a bit silly to start with when doing the "I like myself" game, but then I did it a second time and I thought, "nobody but me will ever see this (I hope!) so I'm just going to go a bit crazy here and really sell myself!" (to myself lol). It was a lot easier the second time round!

I've got a short list written in my notebook from one of the books that I read. It must have made an impression on me for me to have written it down, I think it was a book on confidence but annoyingly I didn't write down the title or authors name! This is the list:

1. I am willing. You won't make a change until you are willing to do it.
2. I am wired to win. Choose the game you want to play.
3. I got this. I can deal with my problems like I always have done. I have no other choice.
4. I embrace uncertainty. Not trying is the worst choice you can make.
5. I am not my thoughts. I am what I do. Self doubt doesn't define me, actions make me who I am.
6. I am relentless. Take things one step at a time.
7. I expect nothing and accept everything.

This type of thing is the kind of thing that a few years ago I would have felt way too embarrassed to admit to having read, and definitely wouldn't have taken down notes! But now I'm doing this stuff, I really am finding it helpful. I think recognising our weaknesses as a person, and actively trying to make changes to improve, are really positive steps actually.

Thank you @BaggoMcoys

I couldn’t agree more about admitting our weaknesses. I never embraced my weaknesses in the past because I was so fixated on other people - be it helping them, trying to change them or just generally thinking about them.

Even though my marriage did not work out, I learned so much from it. The biggest thing I learned was to say sorry when I’m wrong and to admit to my flaws. You see, I thought if I revealed a flaw to someone, they would no longer like or love me. I realised that it’s actually more lovable to admit to flaws.

I sometimes go too far in that direction & people say I’m too hard on myself. I lay awake at night reliving the past and sometimes feel wracked with guilt over all kinds of things that were nuanced so not 100% my ‘fault.’ I hold myself up to impossible standards (& I used to do that with other people too - such a relief to have let that go).

But admitting to our strong points is just as valuable, I agree. I couldn’t sleep one night & had convinced myself I wasn’t a good person. So I got up and wrote a list of all the kind things I’ve done for other people. Another night I wrote about all the nice things people have said about me.

I used to listen to inspiring meditations every morning & I’m going to start again because negative thinking can be a habit.

It’s a pity some of us find it harder to be happy, healthy, content, at ease, self-confident etc. but I like to think I have a great depth of compassion & understanding as a result of feeling so much & having been through so much ... which is all part of healing from codependency.

When I read the above, I realise that now really isn’t the time for a new relationship but I haven’t had sex in almost two years and I am craving closeness to be honest. My ex has our dog too so I don’t even have her affection. Self-love is important but the comfort & warmth of another warm body would be nice. However I’m willing to wait for the right warm body & not just any body.

to all the codependents on your healing journeys. Xxxxxx

Lots of identification from me here. The key I have found is to be absolutely certain that you choose the right kind of person to have a relationship with - once you're too far down the track with someone who you 'fit' with in a codependent dance (normally the anxious type links up with an avoidant type) it feels almost impossible to break free. I had had 7 years single following terrible divorce and marriage to someone who engaged allllll my co-dependent urges and it was addictive and almost impossible to break free from.

I then got into a short relationship with yet another avoidant man which was disastrous and very depressing because it felt like this was going to be a life sentence. However my current set up feels ODD and different because he is appropriately boundaried and categorically is not looking for someone to save him, rescue him, cook all his meals or otherwise strive to be all things to all people. I've had regular therapy for the past year as I geared up to get ready to date again, and through all the ups and downs, and it has been invaluable to have an expert 'hand hold'. I have also found resources like 'the holistic psychologist' and 'jodi white' accounts on instagram really helpful to realise you're not alone and there is hope.