Healing From Codependency

[Readingandrighting]

Separated from my husband recently, a horrendous friendship break-up last year, fraught friendships, intense internal anger, insomnia and yet I’m cheerful, happy-clappy sort (but I’m working on being truer to my emotions) ... & I’m 40.

I have read Codependent No More twice & I’m back seeing a therapist. I do have good friendships in my life too and I generally get on well with people but codependency is an emotional crutch and an unhealthy habit that I really want to work on before entering another codependent relationship (if I’m lucky enough to meet someone).

Does anyone have experience of this? Any tips, other books, nuggets of wisdom or advice? Thank you.

I'm kind of on the cusp of a new relationship right now. I've known him for a long time as a friend, though we hadn't been in touch much while I was with my ex. We started to reconnect properly over the last couple of years and it's only recently taken a romantic turn. I was with my ex for over 10 years but spent at least the last 5 feeling lonelier than I have ever felt being on my own, and there was no love, no affection or anything like that. Having someone who actually wants to spend time with me, and who acts caring, and shows and will receive affection... it's just really nice.

I'm scared of rushing into putting a label on anything. I'm trying to be cautious and make sure that I'm not flinging myself headfirst into things, and keeping a check on myself to make sure I don't make silly mistakes - making sure I retain my boundaries I suppose. While at the same time, I'm trying to not overthink it all and to enjoy things for what they are. Tough one to navigate and to find that balance but I'm trying my best!

You know yourself best, but maybe you are in the right place to start thinking about finding a new relationship. I completely agree about finding the right body rather than any body but make sure you're not closing yourself off because of your tendency to hold yourself to impossible standards. You're never going to be completely perfect, nobody is. You seem to have a good awareness of both your good and bad qualities. You have the skills in place to help you cope with the more negative behaviours. As long as you keep that awareness with you and don't throw it all out of the door when you meet someone, then I think you'll be fine. Taking it slow is key I think.

Inspiring meditations in the morning sounds like a good idea btw. Honestly I would have rolled my eyes at something like that before, but now I'm thinking I might start doing the same thing! Do you find them online?

@freelancedolly

it was addictive and almost impossible to break free from

You have described the to and fro I’ve been in with my ex husband for so very long.

I agree about having an expert on hand. I can Also relate to what you wrote about being in a new relationship and how it felt depressing to see the same old pattern repeat.

Codependency can feel so painful.

Thanks for sharing. It’s so lovely to hear you’re in a good relationship now.

@BaggoMcoys

Yes I get them on YouTube. There’s so much there and I can tell you that some of them got me through some of the toughest times in my marriage breakdown.

Taking it slow is key I think
So very true!

@BaggoMcoys
Thanks for the encouraging words. The first step for me in moving on is to finally, for once & for all break free from my ex. It hurts but it’ll go on like this forever if I don’t cut the chord.

It's funny just how much a relationship breakdown can change you as a person - for better or for worse. I think they can be really pivotal moments in our life, and we can learn a lot from them.

I guess every friendship & relationship affects & changes us. I’d like to find more that enrich & restore rather than deplete me.

Hi what are the symptoms in co dependency?

@Back2the90s You can read about it at Coda, below:

coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

@poppyzbrite4

Thanks for that list. I can very much relate to that list - especially the part about seeking the approval of others & valuing it more than one’s own opinion. There are parts that don’t apply to me at all - like the bit about not being able to name or identify feelings. It’s a good list. Thanks

Freely offer advice and direction without being asked

I used to do this all the time! And I used to get frustrated when others didn’t respond with more heart & give me more advice ... then I realised most people only give advice if asked for it! I still try to come up with a fix for people

I had a friend who used to just put on a sad face when I’d tell her sad news - no words, no solutions, just a sad face. It used to frustrate the hell out of me to be honest !!...which is a codependent trait

I can relate to a lot of it but not one of the avoidance patterns’ ones applies to me. I suppose different people will be dominant in different aspects of it....

I think there’s a danger with labels like codependency of over-identifying & creating more problems for oneself. I saw one therapist who said ‘what good is a label?’ For me, it’s very helpful in the relationship sense. For what it’s worth to any of you reading, this is what I’ve learned so far on my journey of healing from codependency (which I’m still on):

• I don’t need to be a quasi-therapist to someone for that person to like me. I have other great qualities. I had a friend who bawled every time I saw her for over a year. She refused to go to counselling & what’s worse i allowed myself to be her (untrained) therapist ... eventually I was so full of anger & resentment, I began distancing myself. She was angry & passive aggressive with me & mocked me inappropriately on one occasion. Boundaries were destroyed in that friendship.
• it’s ok to end a relationship. I don’t have to feel his pain deeper than my own. Still working on this.
• there’s no need to give unsolicited advice. If people haven’t asked for it, maybe they don’t want it.
• it’s ok to have my own goals & ambitions. It’s not selfish to have personal goals.
• a relationship shouldn’t consume me night & day.
• just because a man is attracted to me doesn’t mean I have to be willing or start a relationship with him to please him. I need to stop & ask myself ‘do I even want a relationship with him?’
• I can’t force someone to be as conscientious as I am. If I’m dealing with someone who doesn’t reply to texts, shows up late or lets me down, that all forms part of how I see that friendship/relationship going forward, not something I need to take on with them in a bid to make them change. I destroyed a friendship over my upset at her taking days/weeks to respond. She has learned from her poor behaviour in relation to others but she let me go! So I held up a mirror to her that ultimately benefitted her & cost me her friendship.

The rest I’m still working on. I’m still pathologically concerned with what people think of me& I’m working on that. One day at a time!

I’m learning to not value others opinions above my own. I have value too. I don’t know why I need external validation all the time but I’m sick of it. I find it means I end up disappointed with friends and removing myself because they always end up criticising or judgemental about my life choices but I’ve given them that power by over involving them in the first place. I’m not doing it anymore. I’m just doing what I want from now on

I’ve given them that power by over involving them in the first place SO very true

I think I may be codependent. I have low self esteem. My relationship ended recently and I'm struggling to let it go even though I know I can't be with him for many reasons. I've worked out that I'm a) lonely, but also that I liked that he loved me so much, even if I couldn't cope with it because I felt suffocated.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, but feel codependency may be my problem.

Can anyone recommend a book that's really easy to read about dealing with it? My concentration is zero at the moment. I'd like to be able to move on and start a new relationship. There's a man who's very interested but I don't want to hurt him. Everything's so difficult at the moment, I'm just so lonely, live alone and only see my mum once a week. I've no hobbies and zero motivation to do anything.

I just read the list of patterns and characteristics, ashamed to say nearly all of them apply to me

I've had a quick look at Coda but don't like the style at all and don't believe in God either.

@MissLI

Sorry to hear you’re feeling lonely. I know that feeling well!

I’d love to relate to CoDa but it didn’t vibe with me either in particular the ‘powerlessness to other people’ thing. I’m trying to harness my own power, not declare powerlessness.

As for a book, I found Melodie Beatty’s book ‘Codependent No More’ excellent. Melody was one of the first to bring codependency into the mainstream & she has personal experience of it. I’ve read it twice & may read it a third time! I’d love to read some more books on codependency & was hoping for recommendations on this thread as there are just so many & I don’t want to waste my time reading ones that are just reiterating what’s written in Codependent No More.

Also, why do you feel ashamed that the characteristics apply to you? I don’t think codependency is anything to be ashamed of - I really don’t! and I am a shame-based person, believe me! I think codependency is a coping mechanism & a way to feel loved, needed & validated. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. The great news is we can change & improve.

I don't know why I feel ashamed. I guess it just seems that's all I am. I've dinner nothing much but care for family and ex husbands and boyfriend for many many years. I struggle with depression. I feel like my life is nothing and don't know how to start building it up again.

done not dinner

I've just been looking at the book and reviews on Amazon, it seems to be very religious and I really don't like books like that because I don't believe in anygods. I'll try and find something else.

I did CoDA 12 step programme alongside working with a therapist for a few years I then reentered therapy when I got involved with a sex addict it’s a long road I think and for me I have to be conscious all the time to not lose myself in others crap however my life is better now

I already recommend co dependence for dummies. www.amazon.co.uk/Codependency-Dummies-Darlene-Lancer-ebook/dp/B00QQMUXAI?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I completely understand about the higher power problems people have with 12 step. I did al anon (disaster), and the higher power stuff was very off putting.

Thanks I've just downloaded it to my kindle.

Is there any way to be in a relationship whilst healing?

@MissLI

I didn’t find it religious, more spiritual at times but different strokes for different folks I suppose. I had kind of forgotten about the spiritual element.

@MissLI

Best to find something that vibes with you tonight for sure

for me I have to be conscious all the time to not lose myself in others crap however my life is better now

@Parsley1234
That’s me to a tee! I was close friends with a couple & I became their mutual confidante. I was embroiled in all of their issues. Meanwhile my own personal/romantic life was a shambles but I spent so much time thinking about that couple. It really Hurts to be that way. She & I fell out in the end sadly - she dumped me when I let out how I’d been feeling about lots of things. I’ve been distancing myself from him
But god it hurts to think of all the years & tears I spent so invested in them.

It’s not easy healing from codependency & you know what I find hardest? Being misinterpreted, completely misinterpreted by others. So much of what I do is motivated by needing to feel loved & needed but others rarely see it that way.

Did you benefit from CoDa?