Page 2 | I'm obsessed with his ex.

ManfaJones8 · 2021-01-16T17:05:41+00:00

Not one for AIBU category, because I am (100%). I can't get past his relationship, with his ex wife. I'm not sure if it's because, he has experienced so many firsts with her or that he shares 3 children with her (we won't be having children). We have been together for 3 years, he has been divorced longer. I don't think he has any residual feelings towards her. She can be a quite nasty towards me or about me, but that's ok. We don't need to interact. We don't have to be friendly. The smallest things can set me off, like the fact that they are still "friends" on FB and he has some (very old) photos of them as a family, still on his FB. If she contacts him about the children and deviates from the topic (fills him in on a bit of news), I will have an issue with it. I'm obsessive, needy and really embarrassed by my behaviour. Any advice would be appreciated.

gannett · 16/01/2021 18:32

Besides, I know a baby isn't going to fix these feelings.

Maybe so but it sounds like your emotions about not having kids with your partner is coming out in obsession with the woman he did have kids with - because you're not letting yourself mourn properly, maybe because you think you don't deserve to because it was your decision?

Take the time to be sad and process those feelings, you can let yourself grieve something even if it's your correct choice not to do it. Focus your sadness there - and maybe try to imagine what your future with your partner looks like, you and him as a family, instead of his past.

Carysmatthews · 16/01/2021 18:32

It doesn’t sound like you’re suited to someone who has a previous family. She will be in his life forever and if you can’t deal with that, then maybe it’s time for you to move on. I think it’s never easy when an ex partner is constantly hovering, even if it’s only in your own mind, but it sounds like you’re driving yourself demented.

Namechange2020lalala · 16/01/2021 18:34

I had this before OP, it's a form of intrusive thoughts linked to OCD. So look for therapy linked to OCD. Also I read a good book on the subject, Overcoming Jealousy. Ultimately it was about accepting that I could not change my partner's past but I could change my actions and reactions. Good luck but once you overcome it the relief will be immense. And just remember that obsessing over someone or something only harms yourself.

Original poster

ManfaJones8 · 16/01/2021 18:37

@thequeenoftarts

I guess yes she the firsts with him and that must be hard on you, but one of them walked away, so someone wasn't happy with that relationship. Plus he is with you by choice, not because he has kids with you and "has" to be there. You have freedom, security, a nice child free life. Having kids is not the be all and end all. Has it occured to you the reason she says nasty things about you, is because she is jealous that you have it all?

Try not do this to yourself, or your relationship cos he will start not telling you when they talk for fear of upsetting you further, then you will be even more suspicious and so it will continue.

You've touched on something there. I always get the impression that although they were both deeply unhappy in the marriage, she would prefer to be married. I guess there's a part of me that wonders if he feels that too and plays on it? Gosh, I'm so insecure

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Eckhart · 16/01/2021 18:37

@Aquamarine1029

She can say very rude and nasty things about me, I think it's ok to be hurt by that.

How do you know she says these things? Does your partner repeat what she's said? Why would he do that? That's what I would want to know.

This.

There's more going on than meets the eye here, including OP massively invalidating her own feelings every time she mentions them. And lots of people piling in to add to the invalidation.

Namechange2020lalala · 16/01/2021 18:38

Actually however reading your post about the kids issue I don't think you are being entirely irrational (unlike I was). The feeling of not being someone's whole priority is not idea. A child free partner or one with grown up adult would be easier for you maybe x

Original poster

ManfaJones8 · 16/01/2021 18:39

Thank you. That's very helpful

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Original poster

ManfaJones8 · 16/01/2021 18:44

@gannett

Besides, I know a baby isn't going to fix these feelings.

Maybe so but it sounds like your emotions about not having kids with your partner is coming out in obsession with the woman he did have kids with - because you're not letting yourself mourn properly, maybe because you think you don't deserve to because it was your decision?

Take the time to be sad and process those feelings, you can let yourself grieve something even if it's your correct choice not to do it. Focus your sadness there - and maybe try to imagine what your future with your partner looks like, you and him as a family, instead of his past.

Thank you, that's a very kind and balanced way to think of it. I guess I feel embarrassed bringing it up with him, because I did make the decision.

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Original poster

ManfaJones8 · 16/01/2021 18:47

@Namechange2020lalala

Actually however reading your post about the kids issue I don't think you are being entirely irrational (unlike I was). The feeling of not being someone's whole priority is not idea. A child free partner or one with grown up adult would be easier for you maybe x

My closest friend has suggested this to me, but truthfully all other areas of the relationship are really good. x

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Original poster

ManfaJones8 · 16/01/2021 18:48

@Carysmatthews

It doesn’t sound like you’re suited to someone who has a previous family. She will be in his life forever and if you can’t deal with that, then maybe it’s time for you to move on. I think it’s never easy when an ex partner is constantly hovering, even if it’s only in your own mind, but it sounds like you’re driving yourself demented.

I am. You're right

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AintPageantMaterial · 16/01/2021 18:55

I have been with DH for 24 years now. When we got together, he had been divorced for about 5 years and they had a dd together. It was not an amicable divorce or an amicable ongoing relationship but I admired his ability to put hostility aside and always put his dd first. I obsessed about his ex though. Due to the distances involved, I didn’t meet her until we had been married for a few years and had dd of our own.
I found a bag of old pictures in a draw and used to look at her photos all the time. I used to look for physical similarities between us (there aren’t really any). I used to obsess about why he had marriage her. What did he love about her? Eventually meeting her was very odd. I think unconsciously I had thought I would suddenly have a revelation about what he loved about her and that it might be something we had in common or maybe a quality I don’t have at all. I was being a bit ridiculous.
In the end, I thought she was nice enough but I couldn’t really see them as a couple. She was, naturally, a feature in our life until dsd was well established in her adult life. We have a great relationship with their adult dd. There has been no reason to speak to her in about a decade.
Have you met this woman? Sometimes the ‘idea’ of someone is easier to obsess over than the reality.
Also, how old are his children? There does just come a time when their mother simply isn’t a regular fixture in your life.

Original poster

ManfaJones8 · 16/01/2021 18:56

I guess I spend so much time considering the children's feelings (I'm not resentful of that or them) and hers, I don't really get to to grips with my own feelings towards the situation and sometimes I am made to feel like I don't have a right to feel anything. They're not my children. They are their children.

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gannett · 16/01/2021 19:00

I guess I feel embarrassed bringing it up with him, because I did make the decision.

It's really really OK to say to your partner "I know it was my decision but I'm feeling sad about it and I need some support"

Eckhart · 16/01/2021 19:05

I am made to feel like I don't have a right to feel anything

That'll be the crux of it.

Feelings can never be 'silly' or 'stupid' or any of the other things you've called your own feelings. People won't judge you for your feelings.

What you're referring to is your response to your feelings. So, yes, if you have a massive tantrum and break the telly because you're upset since he told that his ex badmouthed you, then that's silly, stupid, and people will judge you.

But if you tell him you need to have a talk with him, and calmly tell him that when he said she'd badmoutheded you, it really hurt you to the core, and you ask him why he thinks its ok a) for her to do that and b) why he chose to tell you, and then you listen to his response, nobody will call you silly, stupid, or judge you. If they do, you need to look more deeply at what's happening in your relationship.

Stand by your feelings. If people make you feel like you shouldn't have your feelings, that's unhealthy. Step one is to listen to and communicate your feelings in a healthy way. Step two is to distance yourself from people who make you feel that your healthy relationship with your feelings is pathological. Step three is 'happy'.

Original poster

ManfaJones8 · 16/01/2021 19:08

@AintPageantMaterial

I have been with DH for 24 years now. When we got together, he had been divorced for about 5 years and they had a dd together. It was not an amicable divorce or an amicable ongoing relationship but I admired his ability to put hostility aside and always put his dd first. I obsessed about his ex though. Due to the distances involved, I didn’t meet her until we had been married for a few years and had dd of our own. I found a bag of old pictures in a draw and used to look at her photos all the time. I used to look for physical similarities between us (there aren’t really any). I used to obsess about why he had marriage her. What did he love about her? Eventually meeting her was very odd. I think unconsciously I had thought I would suddenly have a revelation about what he loved about her and that it might be something we had in common or maybe a quality I don’t have at all. I was being a bit ridiculous. In the end, I thought she was nice enough but I couldn’t really see them as a couple. She was, naturally, a feature in our life until dsd was well established in her adult life. We have a great relationship with their adult dd. There has been no reason to speak to her in about a decade. Have you met this woman? Sometimes the ‘idea’ of someone is easier to obsess over than the reality. Also, how old are his children? There does just come a time when their mother simply isn’t a regular fixture in your life.

You've given me a lot of perspective there, thank you. His chidren are 12, 11 and 9. They are lovely children and they're both doing a great job parenting them. We have met on a few occasions. She is not pleasant. I'm certain the children know she doesn't like me. I bumped into them all at a shopping centre recently and I'm certain they all saw me. I made eye contact with one of the children and he looked away. They came to the house two days later and he was his lovely, sweet self. We didn't acknowledge the encounter.

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WednesdayWoohan · 16/01/2021 19:09

My DP has and ex wife and several children (who he was with for 20+ years). He stays at her house monthly to see the children. I've never met her but she seems nice enough - DP and her talk a fair amount I think. I know they sometimes gossip.

I have no issue with this. He is with me and I really admire their adult relationship.

It really is about believing he is with your because he wants to be.

Original poster

ManfaJones8 · 16/01/2021 19:11

@WednesdayWoohan

My DP has and ex wife and several children (who he was with for 20+ years). He stays at her house monthly to see the children. I've never met her but she seems nice enough - DP and her talk a fair amount I think. I know they sometimes gossip.

I have no issue with this. He is with me and I really admire their adult relationship.

It really is about believing he is with your because he wants to be.

I really admire your maturity. Thank you x

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Heyahun · 16/01/2021 19:12

Yeah agree with previous poster - I don’t think a relationship with someone with a family and who has to stay in touch with ex wife long term is for you tbh! It’s hard - my husband has one child with someone else - so I get it! But he’s friends with her and they have a good relationship - doesn’t bother me! Everyone has a past - yea he did have some firsts with her - but that will never change so whatever - he’s with me now!

You have to forget about her - if you can’t then maybe think about if this relationship is right for you!

All the things you guys do are firsts with each other - so what if he did some other stuff with her?!!

rexibelle · 16/01/2021 19:29

I'm in exactly the same boat...
And it's destroying me. My Dh says he hates his ex but everytime I see them together they're polite because of the kids and I feel sick for days.
Totally irrational and I just want to say I've no advice but reading with so much interest x

Namechange2020lalala · 16/01/2021 19:46

You might have to accept these feelings, if there's nothing you are able to do change things... sometimes accepting them, however hard they are, helps diminish their power. It's easy to say but hard to put into practice of course.

Original poster

ManfaJones8 · 16/01/2021 19:48

@rexibelle

I'm in exactly the same boat... And it's destroying me. My Dh says he hates his ex but everytime I see them together they're polite because of the kids and I feel sick for days. Totally irrational and I just want to say I've no advice but reading with so much interest x

I really appreciate your honesty. I'm sorry you feel this way. It's so blooming hard, particularly when you can't rationalise it and saying it aloud makes you feel and sound like a mad woman! xx

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Original poster

ManfaJones8 · 16/01/2021 19:50

@Eckhart

I am made to feel like I don't have a right to feel anything

That'll be the crux of it.

Feelings can never be 'silly' or 'stupid' or any of the other things you've called your own feelings. People won't judge you for your feelings.

What you're referring to is your response to your feelings. So, yes, if you have a massive tantrum and break the telly because you're upset since he told that his ex badmouthed you, then that's silly, stupid, and people will judge you.

But if you tell him you need to have a talk with him, and calmly tell him that when he said she'd badmoutheded you, it really hurt you to the core, and you ask him why he thinks its ok a) for her to do that and b) why he chose to tell you, and then you listen to his response, nobody will call you silly, stupid, or judge you. If they do, you need to look more deeply at what's happening in your relationship.

Stand by your feelings. If people make you feel like you shouldn't have your feelings, that's unhealthy. Step one is to listen to and communicate your feelings in a healthy way. Step two is to distance yourself from people who make you feel that your healthy relationship with your feelings is pathological. Step three is 'happy'.

Very sound advice and thank you!!

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NewMum2021x · 16/01/2021 19:51

Also the same! I'm only 23 and he was with her from the age of 17-20. But I'm obsessed with her? Constantly stalk her profile. Constantly looking at her wondering what she had that I don't? As when we broke up he went back to her now we are back together... it's a bit crazy I've been obsessed with her for two years :| horrible feeling as I wish I didn't even think about her!

Original poster

ManfaJones8 · 16/01/2021 19:52

@gannett

I guess I feel embarrassed bringing it up with him, because I did make the decision.

It's really really OK to say to your partner "I know it was my decision but I'm feeling sad about it and I need some support"

I will do that, thank you

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Mummabearofthree · 16/01/2021 19:53

What nasty comments does she make? Perhaps she’s bitter towards you because she knows he loves you etc.

Unfortunately she’s the mother of his children and yes there will always be contact between them, you’d be unreasonable to suggest no contact whatsoever but I can understand from your point of view you’re feeling insecure as they have children and were previously married.

In all honesty I can only suggest splitting up as it seems you can’t get past this. He has been with you for three years and I think if you was going to it would have happened already. I think finding someone with no children would be beneficial for you. Hope you work things out OP 💐