I'm obsessed with his ex.

[ManfaJones8]

Not one for AIBU category, because I am (100%).
I can't get past his relationship, with his ex wife.
I'm not sure if it's because, he has experienced so many firsts with her or that he shares 3 children with her (we won't be having children).
We have been together for 3 years, he has been divorced longer.
I don't think he has any residual feelings towards her.
She can be a quite nasty towards me or about me, but that's ok. We don't need to interact. We don't have to be friendly.
The smallest things can set me off, like the fact that they are still "friends" on FB and he has some (very old) photos of them as a family, still on his FB.
If she contacts him about the children and deviates from the topic (fills him in on a bit of news), I will have an issue with it.
I'm obsessive, needy and really embarrassed by my behaviour.
Any advice would be appreciated.

[ManfaJones8]

Thank you @Eckhart a honest conversation needs to be had!

[sadie9]

Sounds like your DP likes the attentions of two ladies. Attention seekers like attention, and sometimes don't mind if its good or bad, as long as its about them.
Funny how you and the Ex are each obsessed with not letting the other woman control him.
Your DP is idealised by both you and the Ex, but neither of you see that you are placing him on a blameless pedestal while you vilify the other woman.
Your DP sits pretty, has the two of you eating out of from his hand. I think he's a bit of a player.
You for your part, use the Ex as a useful way to bury your own feelings. Its either all about your DP and his needs, or else its about thinking hosile thoughts about the Ex.
What about you? What are your own feelings?
Do you think it's DP you are angry with sometimes, but you don't want to risk upsetting him?
It seems like you give him all the importance, you have suppressed and hidden your own importance, self worth and sense of self, while he has just added you to his collection of devotees.
Does he treat you with the respect and love you deserve?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

It’s difficult because the ideal for you all is for things to be amicable. DH had no choice because she stopped all contact and was determined to be as obstructive as possible - but that meant that court decided everything and there was no room for her to manipulate things.

In your case, there’s a fine line between keeping her happy for the kids’ sake and letting her have too much control. I think if your dp was firm and fair and simply cut short any conversations where she became abusive towards you, she would probably stop doing it. It sounds as if she’s jealous of you and still wants to try to have influence over your partner.

[Cherrysoup]

@ManfaJones8 you need a serious chat whim about his motivation for telling you what she says and he needs to put boundaries in place about her spouting off and tell her to stop refuse to engage and put down the phone if she starts. None of this is acceptable. I know for a fact my DH’s wouldn’t dream of passing on any vindictive comments made about me. Ask him what his purpose is in doing that.

[ManfaJones8]

He is very respectful, kind and loving towards me.
You've touched on something there.
I get angry at him for getting along with her, but I project it onto her and why should I expect anything from her?
My relationship isn't with her.

[ManfaJones8]

I will. He maintains he only tells me things, in the interest of being honest and truthful to me and I probably dwell on it unnecessarily. I shouldn't give it oxygen and neither should he.

[lilmishap]

Why are you hearing just enough to make you paranoid?

[Techway]

I imagine the Ex is venting anger at you when perhaps her anger is with him.

He needs to follow through on boundaries...tell her he won't accept abusive language about you and if it happens he will only communicate via email. He must carry through with consequences....otherwise there are no sanctions for behaving this way. You are just her whipping boy and your partner can't let it happen as you are innocent in THEIR drama and dysfunction.

It isn't normal or reasonable for a stranger to verbally abuse you and your reaction to it is natural.

[lilmishap]

You've been with him years.

[Eckhart]

@ManfaJones8

I will. He maintains he only tells me things, in the interest of being honest and truthful to me and I probably dwell on it unnecessarily. I shouldn't give it oxygen and neither should he.

People only say that the other party 'maintains' a position if they feel there's an element of doubt about the position.

Do you have a niggling doubt that he's telling you for other reasons? And if so, what are they?

[YuletidePizza]

It does sound like he may enjoy the jealousy element OP. It is a good ego boost to have two women fighting over him. In reality, if he wanted to be with her then he would be, but he has chosen to be with you.

Ive noticed that men ive dated have also felt insecure that I have an ex husband who I share kids with, I think it is natural to an extent, I know I have felt insecure about ex wives!

Do you think your partner may be trying to make you jealous? Or is he genuinely oblivious to the hurt telling you her words causes? It would be much more sensible for him not to tell you, I can see why you would feel like he is being disloyal by having 'fun' chit chat with his ex wife who also bad mouths you. If she bad mouths you then really his conversations with her should be kept to essential child related information.

[ManfaJones8]

@lilmishap We have argued about this in the past and I have asked him not to involve me in their disputes.
He doesn't for an extended period and then he will say something in anger (anger towards her), I'll get drawn in and ask questions.

[Iyiyi]

OP I have a lot of empathy with you. My DP and I both have DCs and we won’t have any together - I don’t want any more children but I’m sad nonetheless. My feelings of jealousy really stem from my own feelings of regret about my own life choices - I married someone I absolutely knew I shouldn’t have, and I spent much longer with him than I should, and had children with him, and he’s been an awful and damaging father. I’m jealous of her because she had the opportunity to have a family life with my partner (even though she probably feels about my DP the way I feel about my ex!) and because although DP finds her annoying, they generally get in AND he has some close friends who have awful dramatic relationships with their ex and it really effects their children - he is grateful that their issues are really irritations rather than major dramas and so he doesn’t rock the boat too much. She doesn’t slag me off but she doesn’t like me being mentioned, she prefers to pretend I don’t exist.

I never mention how I feel to DP because I know it is my issue and not his and because there is literally nothing he can do. Objectively speaking there is nothing at all he is doing wrong or anything specific to address- it’s all me.

[Miramour]

It's good that you accept you don't need to be liked by her.
It's good that you recognise you feel insecure.
Perhaps now focus on what else you can do because of course you have no control over what your husband and his ex do.

It is a shame that counselling was unsuccessful, it can be frustrating and disappointing when you don't gel with a therapist.

They can't advise, only listen and gently prod you in the direction of working things out for yourself. I think you seem very capable of working this out.

Perhaps read up on boundaries and undertake to maintain yours and respect his.

Perhaps read up on self esteem and undertake to care for yourself, to be positive and kind to yourself. You are worth it.

[Readingandrighting]

I feel pathetic for being so insecure tbh

@ManfaJones8 Oh I understand OP. With two of my exes, I was so very insecure about their exes. I suffered with jealousy (& it is a form of suffering!) & I made those men suffer too, one of them in particular.

I can’t speak for you but I had some deep-seated self-esteem issues which I’m only working on properly now. It took me a while & a recommendation but I’m seeing a good counsellor now and finally becoming an authentic version of myself. I’m single (separated from my husband) but I’m feeling optimistic about my next relationship. I know it’ll be different & better.

Jealousy, like the type you’re experiencing, is often a sign of a deep, unresolved wound. It’s hard to face all of that, believe me I know - but you need to nurture and love yourself instead of beating yourself up for feeling such painful emotions.

[MixMatch]

@ManfaJones8 Havent read the full thread but whatever you do, absolutely do not deny yourself the chance of children because of him. He's had his chance to have kids, no reason why you shouldn't also have the opportunity. If you want kids, find someone who also does, and have your firsts with them.

[NewMum2021x]

@ManfaJones8 yeah it's strange, they were tighter 2 years before he got with me but knew her for like 6 years from school etc. they had such a bad relationship - everyone who knows them said the same. When his grandad passed away ( they had been broken up a year at the time and the was with me for a year) he messaged her behind my back and told her? So when we broke up he slept with her within 6 weeks of us breaking up... they were speaking I think for around 6 months... but I always think if he wanted to get back with her he would have? As she's so easy... that's what I tell myself to make myself feel better as we're back together now... it just baffles me. I sit here everyday for a good hour looking at her Facebook profile. Looking at her friends Facebook profiles to find other photos of her. I even dyed my hair dark because she had dark hair? Honestly sounds insane but I can't stop obsessing and it's so upsetting... I dont even know why I'm still doing it? I've been doing it for years 🥺

[gannett]

[quote ManfaJones8]@lilmishap We have argued about this in the past and I have asked him not to involve me in their disputes.
He doesn't for an extended period and then he will say something in anger (anger towards her), I'll get drawn in and ask questions.[/quote]
This is hard because a good step here would be to tell him not to pass on anything she says about you, even if he's just trying to be honest. It's not good for you and you don't need to hear it.

But it sounds like you've said this, he's done it but the cycle begins again when he needs (understandably) to vent.

Does he have anyone else who he can vent to? A friend, another family member, maybe even a counsellor?

[Readingandrighting]

I sit here everyday for a good hour looking at her Facebook profile. Looking at her friends Facebook profiles to find other photos of her. I even dyed my hair dark because she had dark hair? Honestly sounds insane but I can't stop obsessing and it's so upsetting... I dont even know why I'm still doing it?

My advice is decide that today you will not look at her FB page. I’m quitting a few obsessions in 2021 & an anxiety expert on the radio said the best way to quit is to just not do that thing you do reflexively once ... and then twice ... and then slowly kick the bad habit. (I can relate as I used to look at my ex’s ex’s FB at one stage too)

[MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly]

I think one of your issues is that maybe you are over-romanticising the "connection" you think they have due to having children together.

I know quite a few couples who have divorced post children and they all say that the stress of having young children pushed them apart rather than brought them closer. They also hate being tied to their ex-p via the children and will never willingly contact them again once the children become adults.

When I was younger I was a bit obsessed with my first boyfriends ex. In my eyes she was more attractive, intelligent etc and I couldn't work out why he wanted me after being with someone like her. It took years to realise that my own self esteem was the problem - rather than focusing on his ex in therapy I think you need to concentrate on your self esteem and as you deal with that issue this one will also resolve.

[harriethoyle]

OP I totally get this. My DH has dc with his ex W (I'm child free by choice). She is toxic and moronic and, honestly, sometimes I judge him for having children with her. How could he have loved someone as awful as her? The firsts thing used to really bother me as well.

BUT my therapist pointed out as a PP has, he and I have loads of firsts with plenty of others who are lost in the mists of time. It's just contact with her has to continue because of the DC and one of the things I love about him is what a great father he is in the face of endless provocation. Try and reframe your relationship as containing all of his significant lasts, if that makes sense. You're his last great love, his last cohabiter, his last life partner. This really helped me. I also totally agree with PP about blocking her on SM so you can't stalk. Sounds to me like she's jealous of you and that's where the bile comes from. For that she is to be pitied not envied.

[Raidblunner]

This is a difficult one, exes can insert a lot of grief in to subsequent relationships. To some extent and probably by your own admission your overthinking this one. The fact she doesn't like you and you constantly winding yourself up about the situation is self perpetuating. You need to break that obsession somehow as it sounds pretty consuming. I've never met my girlfriends ex husband as he lives in the channel islands. I can only go on what she's told me and his failure to be a father to their children. That in it self is enough to know I don't like him and just as well he's miles away, if I had to meet him I'd struggle to hold my tongue. You need to give yourself a break from this, some form of distraction. Perhaps some charity work to help with feeling better about yourself.

[user1481840227]

I think you should find a better therapist and try again.

You wouldn't have to necessarily go to a counsellor, you could try something like CBT which is good for obsessive thinking and worrying.

[Sillysandy]

This is really complicated and I admire your commitment to this relationship. Loads of women would have walked. I hope your DP realises this.

Things need to change.

As things currently stand, his ex is inhabiting a very inappropriate space in your relationship, he is sticking his head in the sand about the impact it's having on you. She is successfully drawing him into arguments and commanding his attention (even if it's bad attention). You are ironically being held responsible (by yourself, him and possibly her) for having a perfectly natural reaction.

It is 100% not on for his ex to insult you like this. If you two are going to have a rewarding relationship you need to get firmly on the same page. You're the couple, you're united with his kids and she is on the sideline.

He is playing into her trap by getting into arguments with her. He needs to embarrass her. The next time she says something about you
"Why are you so obsessed with my relationship?" "We have been broken up years, you need to move on " "Look it's a shame you haven't found someone, I hope you do soon". "I wish things could be friendly between us for the sake of the kids. You're clearly not there so let's just stick to minimal contact."

It's really important he doesn't get tricked into responding to whatever insult she has thrown out or defending you. He should ignore her accusations entirely but have a consistent response that he won't tolerate anything but child-related conversation that is respectful of the life he leads with you. That way he stops her controlling the narrative. If he consistently sighs, repeats it's a shame she won't let go and ends the conversation immediately she will not get the attention she craves. She clearly enjoys getting a reaction, it probably makes her feel she still has some control over him.

For your own sanity I would also take some time considering the following -

You don't have to stay.
You could try to have a child. You can change your mind. I had mine at 40 so did plenty of my friends. Perfectly healthy.
You can stick by your decision to not have children but that doesn't mean you're not entitled to be sad about it. Find a new counsellor to explore these feelings and share with your partner when you feel ready.

[changelie]

This was destroying my marriage . I thought about my DH's ex wife constantly, they have kids so she isn't going away anytime soon.
What I've had to do is de-demonise her in my head . I'd never mention her name to my DH , it was alway 'her' so I started slowly mentioning her by name . I'd never go with him to pick kids up incase I saw her so I started doing that , and when I saw her I'd smile . I told Dh I wasn't jealous anymore even though I still was ... and i think it's helped a bit.
Don't get me wrong i still wish she didn't exist but she's not the untouchable goddess I always painted her as in my head .
I wish u well I really do... it's an awful feeling to have that you can't talk about really in real life as nobody seems to understand x