I'm obsessed with his ex.

[ManfaJones8]

Not one for AIBU category, because I am (100%).
I can't get past his relationship, with his ex wife.
I'm not sure if it's because, he has experienced so many firsts with her or that he shares 3 children with her (we won't be having children).
We have been together for 3 years, he has been divorced longer.
I don't think he has any residual feelings towards her.
She can be a quite nasty towards me or about me, but that's ok. We don't need to interact. We don't have to be friendly.
The smallest things can set me off, like the fact that they are still "friends" on FB and he has some (very old) photos of them as a family, still on his FB.
If she contacts him about the children and deviates from the topic (fills him in on a bit of news), I will have an issue with it.
I'm obsessive, needy and really embarrassed by my behaviour.
Any advice would be appreciated.

[ManfaJones8]

@NewMum2021x

Also the same! I'm only 23 and he was with her from the age of 17-20. But I'm obsessed with her? Constantly stalk her profile. Constantly looking at her wondering what she had that I don't? As when we broke up he went back to her now we are back together... it's a bit crazy I've been obsessed with her for two years :| horrible feeling as I wish I didn't even think about her!

I can totally understand your feelings, plus the fact that he went back to her is gut wrenching.
There is some really sound advice here. Some very balanced perspectives.
And no you're not being controlling. You're hurting.
When we first got together he went on a few trips away with the ex and kids.
I know in my heart and soul nothing happened between them, but I still obsess about them to this day.
I wish I could impart some very constructive words of wisdom, but do read some of the replies here.

[ManfaJones8]

Thank you @Mummabearofthree.
It's just general name calling. I've been called a "Slut", "Whore", "Piece of shit" and even "homewrecker", despite the fact they had divorced before we even met!
If he were to change plans or something isn't convenient to his work schedule, I'm normally to blame
I understand where you're coming from, but all other aspects of our relationship are amazing and I'm really not as toxic as I am portraying myself rn

[lilmishap]

he has some (very old) photos of them as a family, still on his FB

Shit. He hasn't erased his old life, family and role as a father from facebook! like some arsehole men do, repeatedly.

If she contacts him about the children and deviates from the topic (fills him in on a bit of news), I will have an issue with it
You know you are the irrational one here. He is with you.
Regardless of her normal chit chat.

In short OP she can be as spiteful as she wants, fuck her.

(REPEAT AS NEEDED)

[lilmishap]

You know you are the one feeling shit about this. That is all you can control, your feelings about it.

[lilmishap]

If he were to change plans or something isn't convenient to his work schedule, I'm normally to blame

Err
. This is getting worse

[ManfaJones8]

@Namechange2020lalala

You might have to accept these feelings, if there's nothing you are able to do change things... sometimes accepting them, however hard they are, helps diminish their power. It's easy to say but hard to put into practice of course.

I think I can do this (or partly so) by being more honest with him about my feelings towards her and their relationship.
In a non confrontational way, of course.
I don't think he'd repeat a behaviour if he knew it was hurting me, but I think I've been suppressing my true feelings and its making me upset, angry and irrational.
I don't want to control their relationship, but I want to feel a little more in control of mine.

[ManfaJones8]

@lilmishap

he has some (very old) photos of them as a family, still on his FB

Shit. He hasn't erased his old life, family and role as a father from facebook! like some arsehole men do, repeatedly.

If she contacts him about the children and deviates from the topic (fills him in on a bit of news), I will have an issue with it
You know you are the irrational one here. He is with you.
Regardless of her normal chit chat.

In short OP she can be as spiteful as she wants, fuck her.

(REPEAT AS NEEDED)

"Shit. He hasn't erased his old life, family and role as a father from facebook! like some arsehole men do, repeatedly"
He is a very good man and father. I am proud to be with him. He tells me, he is proud to be with me.
I'm a decent human being. Am I acting irrationally? 100 per cent. I can't explain it.

[NotaWickedStepMum55]

I was the same, totally obsessing over the ex-wife, reading her emails to him,. Looking at photos of her and them, stalking her on FB. I did it all.

The only difference is that if she badmouthed me to him, he never said. This may be the crux, if this hurts you so much, why does he tell you. In not responding to the ex-wife's nastiness, he wants to 'keep the peace', but the other side of this peacekeeping is not to tell you what she said. I know that is why my husband never told me.

His children were older though, so that brought different problems.
If your stepchildren are lovely with you, well that is a good sign.

And the only thing that worked for me, was time. Every year it got easier, I got less jealous, our own life became just that. Our own 'firsts'.

You will have to deal with your own jealousy, as other said, a counsellor of some kind may just be enough to get you to talk it over and over until you can find peace yourself. Good luck.

[Eckhart]

@ManfaJones8

When he tells you what she's said, in what tone is it? I mean, is he saying 'Today she referred to you as a xxxx, so I told her that if she ever spoke like that about you again, there'd be some serious consequences!'

or is it

'Hhaha, she said she thinks you're an xxxx!! F**king hilarious!!'

or is it

'You've not tidied up again. My ex was right, you are an xxxx.'?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I’m glad I read this as I have these feelings too. DH had a very acrimonious split with his ex wife. She left him and then stopped him seeing the dc until he went through court to get proper contact. She repeatedly breached the order and he had to go back to court to have the order enforced. He is devoted to the dc and I know he loves me, but because we didn’t have the firsts, or the dc together, I still feel irrational jealousy. It is irrational, because I know he loves me and we will always share our lives together. I won’t leave him because of this - I think these feelings can be worked through.

[ManfaJones8]

[quote Eckhart]@ManfaJones8

When he tells you what she's said, in what tone is it? I mean, is he saying 'Today she referred to you as a xxxx, so I told her that if she ever spoke like that about you again, there'd be some serious consequences!'

or is it

'Hhaha, she said she thinks you're an xxxx!! F**king hilarious!!'

or is it

'You've not tidied up again. My ex was right, you are an xxxx.'?[/quote]
Normally he will pass on what she has said and follow it up with "How dare you refer to her that way".
Recently I was nearby, as they were speaking on the phone (I wasn't eavesdropping) and he muttered "Pathetic" and ended the conversation.
Apparently, I had been referred to as a "Selfish " for some unknown reason.
We argue, like any normal couple. He would never refer to me by any of those names, nor me towards him.

[lilmishap]

Wow. This is fucked. Your view of this situation is really messed up, I misunderstood it from your description.

She shouldn't be this big a deal.

You shouldn't be a focus of their conversations.

You're obsessed because he wants you to be.

[ManfaJones8]

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

I’m glad I read this as I have these feelings too. DH had a very acrimonious split with his ex wife. She left him and then stopped him seeing the dc until he went through court to get proper contact. She repeatedly breached the order and he had to go back to court to have the order enforced. He is devoted to the dc and I know he loves me, but because we didn’t have the firsts, or the dc together, I still feel irrational jealousy. It is irrational, because I know he loves me and we will always share our lives together. I won’t leave him because of this - I think these feelings can be worked through.

@Farontothemaddingcrowd I believe they can.
I couldn't imagine throwing what we have away, but I worry about the consequences if I don't get these feelings under control

[ManfaJones8]

@NotaWickedStepMum55 Thank you, wise words.
I think he tells me things, because he feels I will accuse him of not being honest/transparent.
Maybe I need to tell him, I don't want or need to hear such things.

[ManfaJones8]

@lilmishap
I'm really intrigued by this. Also, I can be a little thick, can you elaborate?

[Eckhart]

[quote ManfaJones8]@lilmishap
I'm really intrigued by this. Also, I can be a little thick, can you elaborate?[/quote]
If you're being thick, so am I.

You're obsessed because he wants you to be

What do you mean, lilmishap?

[Mummabearofthree]

@ManfaJones8

Thank you *@Mummabearofthree*.
It's just general name calling. I've been called a "Slut", "Whore", "Piece of shit" and even "homewrecker", despite the fact they had divorced before we even met!
If he were to change plans or something isn't convenient to his work schedule, I'm normally to blame
I understand where you're coming from, but all other aspects of our relationship are amazing and I'm really not as toxic as I am portraying myself rn

That’s absolutely unacceptable! How dare she call you those things. I think you need to sit down and have a chat with your OH and tell him that of course they can be civil but if she continues to put you down then you’ll have no choice to either A) retaliate B) leave him. Sorry OP xxx

[Cherrysoup]

You have a DP problem! Why on earth does he pass stuff on? I’d be fuming at that. All it does is upset you, there is NO need for him to say to you what his clearly bitter ex has said. That needs to stop now. No bloody wonder you feel like you need counselling ! Can you see how harmful that is to you?

[ManfaJones8]

@Mummabearofthree It isn't acceptable and I know he knows that.
I think I struggle with them getting along, when I hear she has said those things.
I just couldn't imagine being on good terms with someone who spoke ill of him (without any justification).
I also understand why he doesn't want any animosity. It's not worth it and he doesn't want to jeopardise his relationship with his children. x

[rexibelle]

Do you think he gets some sort of satisfaction with you being jealous ?
As in boosting his self esteem ?

[ManfaJones8]

@Cherrysoup I can and I obsess about it. Sometimes I wonder does he agree with the things she says, although he hasn't and would never speak to me that way.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I think I would have an issue with that. All contact with DH and his ex is regarding the dc, there is no amicable relationship whatsoever (her choice) and he would not tolerate her speaking badly of me and then be civil with her. Everything is court ordered which in some ways is good, because the boundaries are very clear and she has no power to wield regarding the dc.

I would definitely discuss with him how that makes you feel. It shouldn’t jeopardise his relationship with the children, because she shouldn’t be getting to control that to that extent. He has a right to a relationship with his children but he shouldn’t have to keep the peace by tolerating her abuse.

[ManfaJones8]

@rexibelle I genuinely don't know the answer to that. I asked him once and he said "absolutely not".

[Eckhart]

She is wanting to come between you and it's working. Don't give her what she wants. She's being a child - you be a grown up. Tell your husband how you feel, and what your boundaries are. If he's on your side, it will strengthen your bond. You don't have to attack him. Perhaps he's just being clumsy with your feelings.

If he's not on your side, then being grown up and telling him how you feel will highlight it, and then you'll know for sure. Cross that bridge if you come to it.

[ManfaJones8]

@Farontothemaddingcrowd I think she sometimes uses the children as a means of control, he knows this and I think he might be a little embarrassed to admit it.
So he has adopted a sort of "Ignore her and she'll run out of steam" attitude.
She had a short lived relationship about a year ago and we had a very peaceful 3-4 months, her focus shifted and she didn't obsess over our relationship.