Partner can't/won't communicate

[falaff]

Sorry if this is a long post.

I am really struggling with communicating and resolving things with my partner. Although he is a very articulate person who prides himself on his vocabulary and loves telling a story, reads and lot and doesn't hold back in discussion, he seems incapable of talking about anything in our relationship. This results in me bottling stuff up because 'talking' about it is essentially just me being upset just talking at him whilst he sits in silence. He apologises but makes no effort to discuss it or be proactive about making changes.

His communication is also poor in general and he rarely messages if we are apart. He never asks how I am, says he loves me, tells me I look nice, asks what I'd like to do that day, asks what I think about things, nothing. Most of our intimacy is instigated by me and I have to ask him for a kiss or hug. He will instigate sex occasionally - I don't anymore because I find the rejection difficult.

I am really struggling with my mental health right now and am off work sick, and whilst he is being helpful and kind in a practical sense, I have to ask for EVERYTHING. All I want more than anything is for him to offer a hug, or ask how my day has been, or how I'm feeling. Or to ask if there's anything he can do for me. He knows I'm struggling and he also knows how much physical touch means to me. It is so exhausting having to ask for every iota of support. In my current state I don't have the energy for asking all the time yet suffer without it.

Last night I got upset because of another reason and I told him, again, how I felt about his lack of communication and intimacy and how it comes across like he doesn't think about me or care. We've been through this before. Instead of having a discussion he just sat there in silence. After a night of being upset I've just left. I think about him all the time, make an effort on our relationship and am always the driver for activities etc.

I just feel so worn out. I feel like an afterthought and an inconvenience and his inability to deal with issues is exhausting. I feel like I am both managing my poor mental health and managing how he is helping my mental health if that makes sense.

How do I improve communication? Do I just have to accept that this is how it is? I don't have the mental capacity to leave right now (I know I probably need to) as I have been suicidal in the past and being alone brings this all back. I am not strong enough to leave.

Instead of just saying LTB, does anyone have any wise words for how to help me with this until I am stronger?

Unfortunately you can't make him into the person you want, I'm not sure on the reason, Prehaps it's his personality or he's not wanting the same kind of relationship as you. This is stressing you out all the all time, maybe it is time to accept he's not the one for you, sorry I know that isn't what you want to hear but a good relationship should be more easier than this.

You are right, it is a real shame and I know he is depressed but despite us finally managing to discuss that a few months ago and saying that he will address it he hasn't made any effort. Not even filled out the doctors forms. He won't accept any help from me.

I just need some ways to get through this. I am scared because I won't handle a break up right now but at the same time I don't think my mental health will get much better until my relationship is better. I feel stuck and scared.

Maybe some counselling sessions may help you see some clarity.
Break ups are painful but at the same time it gives you space to think and heal.

I am on a waiting list for counselling and have been battling to get this for years. Currently I have limited weekly sessions through work but I find it very hard to open up on the phone to a stranger.

Does anyone have any advice for improving communication and helping my partner to open up and discuss things? I can't seem to make this happen without serious upset from myself when I get to breaking point. This is what I am really after right now.

falaff

Your parents are also to blame for how you see yourself now. This bloke is like them really; emotionally unavailable to you or to anyone else. Why do you still cling onto him so, do you feel needed and wanted by doing that?. This is yet a further continuation of your disasterous relationship history at the hands of emotionally unavailable men.

Abuse though is not about communication, its about power and control. You still seem to be going from one abusive relationship to another and now another. Now you are with this disaster of a person whom you have wanted to help. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship yet you have tried to be both. It does not work and this approach will never work out for you no matter how much you try.

This "relationship" needs to end now, you need to find some strength within you to end it because you're allowing yourself to be pulled down by and with him. You also need a complete reassessment of how you approach relationships and through therapy unlearn the crap that you were taught along the way. Your mental health will not improve any until you properly start to do any of the above. YOU are responsible for your own self and wellbeing here, no-one else. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Stop growing flowers in the hole that he partially dug for you.

I have a partner who has huge problems communicating. We never argue or raise our voices ever. Sounds good but it's not normal. I just know there's an issue when she is ever quieter than usual or the tears start. Communication is the number one thing in a relationship. How else are you supposed to fix a problem if one or both can't talk openly? I've faced the same problem for years so I'm watching this thread with interest.

Does anyone have any advice for improving communication and helping my partner to open up and discuss things?

You’re stuck because you won’t accept that this is who he is and doesn’t want to change.

Have you considered he might have Asperger’s OP? I only say this as this sounds like my DH with the lack of communication and he has Asperger’s syndrome it’s a lonely relationship. Communication is the most important part of any relationship especially if this is something you value yourself. He can’t change only you can decide if it’s enough for you.

My relationship was like this. We wouldnt communicate at all! All he got excited about was his hobby and he would talk about that for ages. We never talked about everyday things. Our evenings consisted of watching tv in silence clock watching for bedtime. We didnt even kiss and say goodnight to each other. Or morning.
Only said I love you when we were leaving. If I had something bothering me I would bottle it up until i couldnt any longer and when I did tell him what was wrong he would just sit there. Wouldnt look me in the eye and would get defensive if I bought something up he didnt like. Then he would threaten to leave.
Went on line this for years. I knew he wouldnt change. We have separated for other issues but the lack of communication was a big part of it.
Im afraid as pp have said, he wont change. He will say he will and can have counselling but will always revert back to no communication because thats what his personality is.

@AttilaTheMeerkat my parents aren't emotionally unavailable in the slightest and this isn't an abusive relationship. Not all relationships that aren't working are abusive. My history isn't disasterous either. Many people have had more than on partner and just because it doesn't work out or your not compatible doesn't mean it's disasterous and it doesn't mean that person is 'disasterous'.

What is happening here is my partner is most likely depressed and yes, emotionally unavailable, probably because of his childhood, which we have discussed in the past. It doesn't make him abusive or bad, just flawed in an area of his life, as many of us are.

@daddyshark1976 it is very hard and the relationship won't survive if he doesn't change. I'm not sure he will and I am starting to accept that. It is a real shame as other areas of the relationship are good, but there are too many bad points to do with how we communicate.

@furrybean having had a past partner who was on the spectrum, I don't think so, no. He just seems incapable of expressing his emotions and communicating them. What I have been trying to figure out is if this is who he is or if it is because of his suspected depression which he has had for a few years. If it is the later then there is hope but if this is him then we are not compatible.

Yes I may have stayed in this relationship too long and no I am not mentally strong enough to leave now. It's not abusive or necessarily awful, I am just unfulfilled emotionally and that is not sustainable.

I am not really asking to understand the relationship more and whether we should break up, as I think this does need to happen, although I would ideally like him to address his depression first.

What I would like some advice on is how to address this, even if it is temporary, so that I can get through the short term. I have explained how leaving isn't an option right now. It is a path I have taken before and I know how it will affect me.

So, has anyone got any advice as to how to try and work on this either until I throw in the towel or he is addresses his depression?

Same boat.. 4yrs down the line now.. We only have 1 argument, caused by me.. Our future. It always ends up in him sulking and ignoring me. I've had enough.
Attila was spot on when she wrote this..

YOU are responsible for your own self and wellbeing here, no-one else. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink

I'm struggling hugely at the moment because I want something I can't have.. But the above is very true.

I think I need to be less emotionally dependant on him - we have bubbled during lockdown and he has given me a lot of support. But I have had to ask for all of it down to every last bit of physical contact which is what I am finding exhausting and depressing. I have always found it very hard to be alone and honestly without him I would have ended up back at my parents for lockdown as the alternative would have been unbearably bad mental health. I am trying to build up my support network, along with my mental strength, so that I can cope with the upheaval of a breakup if it comes to it (which it probably will).

@Ntwa wanting something you can't have is the crux of it. I think I am in love with my idea of him and not who he actually is.

I feel so sad that I am 35 in a few days and will most likely be back to being single, struggling with employment and with poor mental health again. It's just an ongoing cycle in my life and I'm so tired of it. It's not through lack of trying.

It’s not down to you or your job to get him to address his depression, that is his and his alone and he does not want to. How he is works for him.

Women too are not rehab centres for such men.

There is no one strategy anyone can give you to get through this other than be apart from him.

Fallaf I do understand mad feel the same I put so much effort in and where does it get you. Think of yourself now. You're right when you say you're in love with the idea of him, maybe that's where we become stuck

@AttilaTheMeerkat it is very hard to deal with depression. I am doing it now and yes it can be easier to ignore it. It doesn't mean I can't encourage or support him. If people in my life had seen me depressed and gone 'oh it's up to her to sort it, I'll leave her and not support her' I probably wouldn't be here now. Yes I understand what you're saying that he needs to be the one to address it, but it's not that simple.

There often seems to be a tendancy to suggest leaving or essentially state that the man is crap as a first point of call. I am a difficult person to live with and I'm sure lots of women are too. What is wrong with a bit of compassion and positivity?

I don’t think you are a difficult person to live with and your writings are clear and concise. You have been surrounded by people who have been harsh critics along with those who want to do you down to make their own selves look and feel better. Re this man you cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship, it does not work.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Is being on your own far worse than being with this man who is actively refusing to seek any help for any and all depression?. You are in love with the idea of him rather than him.

Of course there is nothing wrong with being compassionate to others. but give that to someone who actually wants and deserves this from you because he does not want your help and or support. Use your compassion on you instead!.

I get support our of this relationship that I currently need. He helps me a lot in a practical sense when I am too ill or need motivation. He gives me physical contact and comfort that I need. But the point is that I have to constantly ask for it. This is more than I would have single and as I previously said I cannot cope with a break up in my current state, so it's not an option right now. If there is genuinely no advice apart from leave, no suggestions on how to help him improve communication, and that the only option for any relationship with communication issues is to throw in the towel, then I despair.

I think it would be lacking in compassion to encourage the idea that his behaviour is something that you individually can "work on" or change. You can't. Nobody can work on changing the behaviour of another person.

I understand why you don't feel able to commit to the idea of leaving, but equally you recognise yourself that this is damaging your mental health and that your mental health won't improve while you remain stuck like this. That dilemma is not dissimilar to him saying he needs medical assistance but then refusing to seek it.

Do you think some of your desire to rescue him is a projection from your own struggles?

The least damaging advice - other than to move towards ending things - I can offer you is to try and detach and stop trying to change/fix him. You keep asking how you can work on his communication and his problems - you can't. You literally can't do anything about those things.

So instead of driving yourself crazy and making yourself ill you need to focus on taking care of yourself. Let yourself process that you probably do need to leave and mull over the steps involved.

People don't suggest leaving or that a relationship has run its course because they think it's easy or simple. I mean, what is? It's not a judgement on him to say that, it's not a judgement on you for falling for him or wishing you could have a future with the person you hoped he was, it's just a reflection of the fact you're in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs and is damaging your mental health.

It would be cruel to encourage someone to keep breaking themselves or offer false hope. That doesn't mean I think this is easy or straightforward for you as the person living it.

And I don't doubt for a second that you have tried your hardest to improve your life. Sometimes we give it everything we have and we still get a rubbish outcome or a setback. Sometimes we have to know when to stop trying. It's not the end of the road.

no suggestions on how to help him improve communication, and that the only option for any relationship with communication issues is to throw in the towel, then I despair.

Nobody is saying communication issues can't be resolved when both parties in a relationship are working together and committed to improving matters. Nobody is saying "any relationship" with communication issues must end.

They are saying the specific issues you described can't be fixed by you.

There would be options - if he was asking. If he wanted help. If he was engaged with making changes.

But he's not. We don't have magical powers. No matter how much you may wish we did or how much we would like things to be better for you.

@user184628462 thank you, that all makes sense. I'm not saying that I can fix it, but I have been hoping that he would make some effort to change and also maybe that I would be less needy in the relationship. That hasn't happened and I am getting more accepting of the fact that it probably never will. It is just so sad as we do get on very well a lot of the time, and I am close to his housemates. And I am terrified of being single again. I was single and unhappy for over a year and online dating which was soul destroying. I feel old and broken with ment health issues and I am very picky about partners, so it feels like I have a very slim chance to find someone.

Right now the closeness I have with my partner, regardless of how I get it, is the only thing really keeping me going.

It is sad and I do feel for you.

I don't think you're needy, just that your needs aren't being met in this particular relationship so I can see how you could end up feeling that way.

I don't think you're old or broken either, but I appreciate that is how you feel right now.

I do genuinely hope life gets better for you.

Does anyone have any advice for improving communication and helping my partner to open up and discuss things?
Does he want to?

And I am terrified of being single again this needs dealing with as it is having such a negative impact on your boundaries.

Also @user184628462 I don't necessarily want to rescue him, I want to rescue me. I just want to be happy. It seems to hard, I have tried so hard all my life and my depression is always either lurking in the background or a huge part of my life. I just so desperately want a caring relationship where the person I'm with genuinely loves me and wants to make me happy. At the moment my relationships have either been severely lacking in emotional input from the other side and it's all one-sided, or in one case have gone the other way and been controlling and emotionally abusive.

I wish I was happy alone but I'm not and I know that will not change. I've worked hard at it but I have grown up in a very close family with an identical twin so aloneness does not make me content.