Partner can't/won't communicate

[falaff]

Sorry if this is a long post.

I am really struggling with communicating and resolving things with my partner. Although he is a very articulate person who prides himself on his vocabulary and loves telling a story, reads and lot and doesn't hold back in discussion, he seems incapable of talking about anything in our relationship. This results in me bottling stuff up because 'talking' about it is essentially just me being upset just talking at him whilst he sits in silence. He apologises but makes no effort to discuss it or be proactive about making changes.

His communication is also poor in general and he rarely messages if we are apart. He never asks how I am, says he loves me, tells me I look nice, asks what I'd like to do that day, asks what I think about things, nothing. Most of our intimacy is instigated by me and I have to ask him for a kiss or hug. He will instigate sex occasionally - I don't anymore because I find the rejection difficult.

I am really struggling with my mental health right now and am off work sick, and whilst he is being helpful and kind in a practical sense, I have to ask for EVERYTHING. All I want more than anything is for him to offer a hug, or ask how my day has been, or how I'm feeling. Or to ask if there's anything he can do for me. He knows I'm struggling and he also knows how much physical touch means to me. It is so exhausting having to ask for every iota of support. In my current state I don't have the energy for asking all the time yet suffer without it.

Last night I got upset because of another reason and I told him, again, how I felt about his lack of communication and intimacy and how it comes across like he doesn't think about me or care. We've been through this before. Instead of having a discussion he just sat there in silence. After a night of being upset I've just left. I think about him all the time, make an effort on our relationship and am always the driver for activities etc.

I just feel so worn out. I feel like an afterthought and an inconvenience and his inability to deal with issues is exhausting. I feel like I am both managing my poor mental health and managing how he is helping my mental health if that makes sense.

How do I improve communication? Do I just have to accept that this is how it is? I don't have the mental capacity to leave right now (I know I probably need to) as I have been suicidal in the past and being alone brings this all back. I am not strong enough to leave.

Instead of just saying LTB, does anyone have any wise words for how to help me with this until I am stronger?

[quote falaff]@Eckhart it depends. I have a really good friend who is very good with communication and we get on very well. Other friends I often feel forgotten and like if I didn't get in touch they never wo[/quote]
The thing is, that friend might have other people in their life who think they are not a particularly good communicator. It's not helpful in relationships to look at 'what he does wrong' and 'what I do right', which is what you're doing. You like your way of communicating, and he is comfortable with his. Who do you think makes the rules? There's no overarching body that decrees that your style of communication is the right one. There is a range.

If his style of communication makes you feel like banging your (or his) head against the wall, you are different. Different enough that it's making your relationship very uncomfortable for you. That's the definition of incompatibility.

Imagine if you were in a relationship with someone who wanted to communicate too much for you. Texting constantly, always checking on you every 5 minutes etc. That, too, would drive you bananas, wouldn't it?

It's not that your way is right, it's that your way is you, and you need to respect you. That means ensuring you get close to people who understand and enjoy you, as you are. Your partner needs to do the same. You will not end up closer to each other, but you will be happier.

Don't try to fix him. Being different from you doesn't mean being broken.

But that'd the thing.

You think if you explain why you need all this, he'll change.

He could just as easily ask you to change and to become more emotionally independent.

He's not wrong because he's different. He can't just magic intuitive emotional intimacy out of a clear blue sky.

@Eckhart there is definitely some truth in that and I agree that people are and can be different and that's ok. But there is zero from him. I don't think that's fair or sustainable. He makes zero effort aside from practical stuff to make me feel wanted or special. I know he is capable of it. Maybe I am just not that important to him, sometimes I feel like I am just a convenient person for walking and activities and company but that's about it.

[quote falaff]@Eckhart there is definitely some truth in that and I agree that people are and can be different and that's ok. But there is zero from him. I don't think that's fair or sustainable. He makes zero effort aside from practical stuff to make me feel wanted or special. I know he is capable of it. Maybe I am just not that important to him, sometimes I feel like I am just a convenient person for walking and activities and company but that's about it.[/quote]
It's not fair to you. It's not sustainable to you.

He doesn't exist in order to be fair and sustainable to you. He exists in his own right, and meets his own needs. You need to exist in your own right, and make sure your own needs are met. He's not responsible for meeting your needs, regardless of his capabilities. He can do what he likes. He doesn't necessarily get to keep you as his partner, but that's up to him. Tell him plainly that if you can't both find a way together to improve the communication in your relationship, you'll have to split up. You'll find out within about 4 seconds how much you're worth to him, and you'll find out within a month how much work he is willing to put in.

Yes you are right. I have hinted at what will happen if things don't change but I need to spell this out. Then I need to make a decision as to when I am able to act on it.

If you're hinting rather than plainly saying things, you need to work on your own communication style. State your feelings and boundaries clearly. It's not his fault that he can't guess.

Although it is an indication that he doesn't 'get' you.

Sorry. Nothing I'm saying is positive for your relationship, but it's all positive for you.

Hi @falaff
I think it's ok to stay for now, you do know yourself and understand he likely won't change, this is leaving you in an unfulfilling relationship.

If you can use this time to work on building your independence, spending more time with friends, family, exercise maybe a hobby or training for work.

The downside of staying in this kind of dynamic is that it can be draining, all of your energy is spent thinking about the situation. This isn't a good use of your time and thought, if you are able to distance yourself from this and start working on you then you really can stay for your own advantage in the short term.

It allows you to ready yourself for being single, and you will Find when the time is right for you it won't be so hard to walk away.

I would also say that I was very co dependent, I didn't even really see it until things came to a head. I looked at my parents perfect marriage where they spend all of their time together but are completely dependent on one another and realised my expectations of people are exceptionally high.

I have had issues similar with friends and my ex h in the past. This realisation was pretty huge, that kind of thought is difficult to change but can be done, I've been ready to leave for a few weeks now as my partner is like yours, no ability to communicate and it's suggested he has no self esteem and avoidance behaviour.

It doesn't really matter what his issues are as I can't help or change him, having said that, finding my independence has actually helped and made it easier to stay as leaving for me is also complicated. We no longer argue as I'm not having meltdowns and feeling hurt all the time.

@beingsunny this is exactly me and describes my parents well too. They never do anything independently and I also grew up with an identical twin, so I have always had really close relationships. I seem to go from one extreme to the other, either partners who can't deliver emotionally and I sink into the parent/child relationship, or the opposite and they are controlling, partly because I am naturally friendly and helpful to other people and less faithful people can see that as a threat.

Great that you have been able to make a positive change and I do envision this happening too. When I am stronger ironically his actions (or lack thereof) don't affect me as much as I get my needs met elsewhere.

You’ve hit the nail on the head - you’re terrified of being single . Therefore you are tolerating a relationship that is unfulfilling and probably contributing to your poor mental health. This man is not going to change . You’ll have to take the plunge and leave xxx

Couples counselling

Lots of things you have said are about 'helping him communicate better' or 'helping him to open up', when actually, he hasn't asked for any help. The issue is that you want to help him to make you feel better. He's fine.

Is this you?

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201104/the-rescuer-identity

OP, you seem to be investing your entire life and energy into this one intense and destructive relationship.
I can see how you became like this- co dependency, being a twin, having an intense relationship role modelled to you by your parents, having some mental health issues yourself - but this is absolutely not a recipe for a happy life.
You need to detach a little emotionally, and start investing in friends and activities that do not involve your partner, so your emotional needs for friendship, support and validation are partially met elsewhere.
I know that’s harder during lockdown, but you could begin with phoning or facetiming friends and family, meeting them for a socially distanced walk, having some online hobbies etc. Anything to take the pressure off your relationship and help you to see that life as a single could still involve lots of fun and contact with other people. I have been alone for nearly 30 years since my beloved DH died, but I still find life worthwhile.

What I would like some advice on is how to address this, even if it is temporary, so that I can get through the short term. I have explained how leaving isn't an option right now. It is a path I have taken before and I know how it will affect me.

You've spoken to him about this multiple times, and he hasn't done anything. It would be very naive to expect that this time would be any different. He's proven to you that he doesn't care how this makes you feel, and he's not going to change, so if you're not going to leave, then you need to find a way to be OK with this situation.

Having chosen to stay in this situation, with a man who has no interest in fulfilling your needs, it is now your responsibility to manage how you feel about it.

So much of what you have said has really resonated with me OP, my DP sounds exactly the same and I’m only just coming to the realisation that it’s me I need to work on and stop trying to rescue him.
Here are some things I have started to do that are really helpful :

**Counselling
**Mindfulness Meditation
**Self Help books around self esteem, self care, co-dependency (I can recommend some if you want?)
**Journaling
**Anti-depressants
**Exercise
**Eating healthy
**Using Essential oils to calm, such as lavender, chamomile
**Weekly zoom calls with friends

I’ve also not fully gotten the courage to leave, but I think it’s on the horizon. I also have the added thing of him cheating that summer to contend with. I completely understand what you mean when you say you don’t feel strong enough with your own mental health to be alone yet. It’s hard. It really is. Try and spend some time on the above things for a few weeks and see how you feel

Thanks, all of this is very relevant. Again, I don't really want to save hi , I want him to be able to give me what I need in the relationship, and that Involes change from him. He is coming over tomorrow and we are going to talk, and I need to see what realistic changes he will make.

@falaff how did you get on with your talk?

Op,
You mention his previous relationship with his ex he seemed more entusiastic.

Does this indicate you think he has changed in some way, due to his depression perhaps.

As for his communication skills, that is something that you cannot change, that is his personality, the only way you can improve your situation is to accept you cannot change him.
I had a partner that could not communicate emotionally due to his childhood, but I accepted this, it was my choice and he had many other good qualities.
I found other ways, coping mechanisms, confiding in others and generally getting on with life.
You may love and adore this man but ultimately it is up to you if you can accept what he can offer.
The pp is right, you cannot fix him.

Accept him as he is or move on. They are your 2 options and I think you are getting frustrated because you want a 3rd option.

@Onthedunes can I ask (feel free to to divulge if not comfortable).. But you said
'I had a partner that could not communicate emotionally due to his childhood'
My ex dp struggled with this but I'd be interested hearing what it was that made your dp struggle with communication? I'm struggling to come to terms with the silence tbh.

Hi OP. You were me for years. I married a man like this, stayed married for nearly 11 years until I was a shell of my former self. I called time on our marriage 3 years ago.

If you want advice to get by before you’re strong enough to leave, get a good support system around you, rely on friends and family, not on him. Concentrate wholly on you and build your strength from there. My counsellor told me that my saving grace was having close friends I was able to count on in the absence of my husbands support and love.

I was also terrified of being on my own, also felt I needed to be in a relationship or I wasn’t “me.” I was seeing someone for a while after my marriage broke up but I am now single for a year. I’ve gone through the panic and sheer anxiety and am quite happy on my own now, putting myself and my needs first.

It is not your DP’s job to make you happy, that is yours alone. He is who he is and you will not change him and nor should he have to change for you. I am only just realising that now. It was not my husbands job to make me happy and constantly give me what I want, that was my job. I realise that we were just fundamentally incompatible as a couple and that his needs were no less important than mine, they were just too different to work in a healthy relationship together and that’s okay.

I wish you strength because you will come through this. I have a good relationship with my ex as we have kids together so are forever bonded. He’s not a bad man and I’m not a bad woman, we just need different things from a relationship and no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be able to change that.

But at the same time I have tried so hard to be loving and caring, always thinking about him and trying to make him happy to the best of my ability

Think about this. Every hour that you spend with him, how much time is subsequently spent feeling let down or frustration by being disappointed in him?

Conversely what time are you spending each day on improving your situation? Getting exercise, speaking to friends (on topics not about him), looking for jobs,planning nice stuff to do once lockdown end etc.

Hi everyone,

I thought I'd give an update as I know some people on this thread were in a similar position. I carried on with the relationship for a while and tried to get things to improve. It all came to another head about a month ago and I said that things needed to change or I we would have to split up. I went home to my parents and he didn't get in touch, so I ended things.

It was very sad and I am still stuggling with things. He blamed me and my anxiety, but I realised that most of my anxiety was driven by my relationship and never knowing where I stood. I think this was unfair of him but I didn't want an arguement. Since splitting up my anxiety has significantly improved and I feel a weight lifted. It was definitely not as bad as I was anticipating, but I am starting to feel very down about being single and my depression is creeping back in. So maybe it's time to start thinking about when I may be ready to meet someone else.

We ended things amicably and have said that we will stay friends. Since splitting up I have asked how he is, but he's shown absolutely no interest in my mental wellbeing despite knowing how down I was and how I was struggling. I shouldn't have expected anything else as this is esactly why I left the relationship, but it still really hurts that someone you spent 18 months of your life with, and significant chunks of that living together, would care so little about me.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. I really encourage anyone going through the same thing to go rip the plaster off and leave. I may feel down about being single but I have gained so much of my life back from the constant worry and stress about a non-relationship.

I'd advise you to walk out.
You cant talk to him
He's not interested.

It's time to call it a day.

You seem lovely and like a good partner. Marry someone who is just like you instead of flogging a dead horse.

Take time out for yourself girl. Forget all about him. Don't be depressed. This is your time for yourself now. I have just read your update and glad you have separated. There is absolutely zero point being involved in a relationship with someone who doesn't bother and make efforts in all aspects.

..

Take time out for yourself and don't worry about meeting someone just yet. Have some time for you and time for doing the things you like, pamper yourself, read a book, go for walks, write lists about things you like to do and when you would like to do them. Enjoy your single life.
You can do much better and when time right time comes with the right person, you will know.

Wish you all the best