Partner can't/won't communicate

[falaff]

Sorry if this is a long post.

I am really struggling with communicating and resolving things with my partner. Although he is a very articulate person who prides himself on his vocabulary and loves telling a story, reads and lot and doesn't hold back in discussion, he seems incapable of talking about anything in our relationship. This results in me bottling stuff up because 'talking' about it is essentially just me being upset just talking at him whilst he sits in silence. He apologises but makes no effort to discuss it or be proactive about making changes.

His communication is also poor in general and he rarely messages if we are apart. He never asks how I am, says he loves me, tells me I look nice, asks what I'd like to do that day, asks what I think about things, nothing. Most of our intimacy is instigated by me and I have to ask him for a kiss or hug. He will instigate sex occasionally - I don't anymore because I find the rejection difficult.

I am really struggling with my mental health right now and am off work sick, and whilst he is being helpful and kind in a practical sense, I have to ask for EVERYTHING. All I want more than anything is for him to offer a hug, or ask how my day has been, or how I'm feeling. Or to ask if there's anything he can do for me. He knows I'm struggling and he also knows how much physical touch means to me. It is so exhausting having to ask for every iota of support. In my current state I don't have the energy for asking all the time yet suffer without it.

Last night I got upset because of another reason and I told him, again, how I felt about his lack of communication and intimacy and how it comes across like he doesn't think about me or care. We've been through this before. Instead of having a discussion he just sat there in silence. After a night of being upset I've just left. I think about him all the time, make an effort on our relationship and am always the driver for activities etc.

I just feel so worn out. I feel like an afterthought and an inconvenience and his inability to deal with issues is exhausting. I feel like I am both managing my poor mental health and managing how he is helping my mental health if that makes sense.

How do I improve communication? Do I just have to accept that this is how it is? I don't have the mental capacity to leave right now (I know I probably need to) as I have been suicidal in the past and being alone brings this all back. I am not strong enough to leave.

Instead of just saying LTB, does anyone have any wise words for how to help me with this until I am stronger?

Thanks @PopsicleHustler. I am super sad to be single again and it's hard to get motivation to do lots of things, but I am going to work on making my life a bit easier and spend some time with friends. I just really prefer to do things with a close partner and now that has been taken away I feel a bit lost. But you are right that there was zero point.

I am feeling a bit stuck now as I need to get a few things from his, and don't want to never see him again, but equally I am hurting and feel really resentful that he hasn't made any effort to see if I'm OK. It just feels like I mean absolutely nothing to him and it just reinforces how the relationship was and makes me feel really worthless. I feel a bit like I haven't got proper closure.

OP I’ve just read your whole thread and your attitude to life is very ‘woe me’.

Even now you’re broken up you still expect him to be your emotional support , but that’s the reason you’re broken up. Your MH is not his responsibility.

I feel like you blame others a lot , multiple times you said that for the relationship to work ‘he needs to change’, but if I’m honest, most of the work needed to come from you. You sound like hard work. And I’m not saying that to pile on, I’m saying that so you can become self-aware. Because if you don’t grow, this pattern with just continue.

You expect wayyy too much from people. And even now instead of finding ways to cope with your emotions you’re already trying to find another man to save you and make up happy. I don’t think you understand what a fundamentally flawed approach to life you have. If you continue this way you will truly be unhappy forever.

Happiness does not come from external factors: job, house, boyfriend. It comes from an appreciation and fervour for life that you seem to lack. You need to find it.

Sorry @autumnalrain but you are wrong on several levels. I do not expect him to be my emotional support. When did I say that? I am expressing that I am sad that someone I spent 18 months with, and asked to remain friends and in contact, doesn't care about how I am. He is fully aware that I have had an extremely hard year and my mental health is shot, and he knows I will be struggling. I have asked how he is, because I care about him, and I am sad that he is sad, and I thought that maybe he would care about how I am too. We're not teenagers.

I'm not hard work. I care about others and want to be with someone who shows their love freely and without having to be asked for it. I want and need physical affection and some effort from my partner towards our relationship. How is that expecting waaayy too much from people? If that's not you then fine, but it doesn't make me wrong. I don't need to work on myself so that I'm happy in a sexless and emotionless relationship where my partner doesn't make any effort. I don't want to live like that.

I am not expecting a man to 'save me and make me happy'. But I will be happier in a fulfilling relationship. That doesn't make me broken or wrong, it's just how I prefer my life. I grew up with an identical twin, so I am usually happiest with another person. I don't expect you to understand that or want the same yourself and that's OK but equally I am allowed to feel this way without being told it's wrong. Otherwise why would anyone ever have a relationship if it didn't make their life better?

Hi OP

Your ex sounds exactly like my ex DH.
It took me a long time to realise he would never change and I also felt like a weight had lifted once things ended. I’ve being doing a lot of soul searching and I’m enjoying my own company and not having to stress about an emotionally stunted man in my life, it’s great!
You mentioned previously how he had photos of his ex on Facebook and how in love they looked and he was affectionate etc, people would probably have said the same about me and my exes social media, but that was far from the case. I felt very alone in that relationship and it was all one sided, except for the occasional crumbs he sent my way. Things are not always what they seem.
I would suggest you take this time out to love yourself again, that’s certainly what I’m doing at the moment :)

Oh and as for you feeling you haven’t gotten closure, I also felt this way but after reading many self help books I realised that closure comes from within. We feel we need more information from them to understand why it went wrong but their reasons will never follow our logic. We will never be satisfied with their answers. We also feel as though we can’t move on until they apologise and acknowledge what they did wrong but these are just lies our brains tell us. Once you accept the reality of what has happened, closure will come to you. Stop believing things would be better if x, y, z happened. This couldn’t have happened any other way. Observe the thoughts your having but stop believing in them. Thoughts create feelings.

Well at least it was only 18 mths rather than years and at least you know where you stand. I think he just wasn’t that into you/the relationship unfortunately.

Save yourself for someone who deserves you. You are not being unreasonable in your expectations.

OP glad that you left him and went to your parents. They seem to be a good support system for you.

It does hurt a lot to realise the person you cared so much about really didn't care all that much back.

I hope you take this time to truly invest in yourself. I don't know what the covid situation is where you are but if you can find some volunteer work to do part time I think it would be good for you. You sound like a very caring person with a lot to give and volunteer work tends to give you back much more than you could imagine.

All the best.