Partner can't/won't communicate

[falaff]

Sorry if this is a long post.

I am really struggling with communicating and resolving things with my partner. Although he is a very articulate person who prides himself on his vocabulary and loves telling a story, reads and lot and doesn't hold back in discussion, he seems incapable of talking about anything in our relationship. This results in me bottling stuff up because 'talking' about it is essentially just me being upset just talking at him whilst he sits in silence. He apologises but makes no effort to discuss it or be proactive about making changes.

His communication is also poor in general and he rarely messages if we are apart. He never asks how I am, says he loves me, tells me I look nice, asks what I'd like to do that day, asks what I think about things, nothing. Most of our intimacy is instigated by me and I have to ask him for a kiss or hug. He will instigate sex occasionally - I don't anymore because I find the rejection difficult.

I am really struggling with my mental health right now and am off work sick, and whilst he is being helpful and kind in a practical sense, I have to ask for EVERYTHING. All I want more than anything is for him to offer a hug, or ask how my day has been, or how I'm feeling. Or to ask if there's anything he can do for me. He knows I'm struggling and he also knows how much physical touch means to me. It is so exhausting having to ask for every iota of support. In my current state I don't have the energy for asking all the time yet suffer without it.

Last night I got upset because of another reason and I told him, again, how I felt about his lack of communication and intimacy and how it comes across like he doesn't think about me or care. We've been through this before. Instead of having a discussion he just sat there in silence. After a night of being upset I've just left. I think about him all the time, make an effort on our relationship and am always the driver for activities etc.

I just feel so worn out. I feel like an afterthought and an inconvenience and his inability to deal with issues is exhausting. I feel like I am both managing my poor mental health and managing how he is helping my mental health if that makes sense.

How do I improve communication? Do I just have to accept that this is how it is? I don't have the mental capacity to leave right now (I know I probably need to) as I have been suicidal in the past and being alone brings this all back. I am not strong enough to leave.

Instead of just saying LTB, does anyone have any wise words for how to help me with this until I am stronger?

I get support our of this relationship that I currently need. He helps me a lot in a practical sense when I am too ill or need motivation. He gives me physical contact and comfort that I need. But the point is that I have to constantly ask for it. This is more than I would have single and as I previously said I cannot cope with a break up in my current state, so it's not an option right now. If there is genuinely no advice apart from leave, no suggestions on how to help him improve communication, and that the only option for any relationship with communication issues is to throw in the towel, then I despair.

OP I think you need to look at this a bit differently.

You are in a relationship that drags you down because your partner cannot communicate with you, cannot share with you on an emotional level. You have asked and you have explained, but he doesn't change.

You want to change him and the relationship into one that lifts you up, but you can't. No-one in the whole world can change your partner and he himself doesn't feel the slightest need to change. He may not ever even understand what you are asking for - it doesn't seem to me at all that he is abusive and withholding affection on purpose, just that he actually CANNOT be what you want him to be.

You can't make him change into what you need, and in all honesty it is rather disrespectful towards him to be even trying to do so. You want him to change into someone that he isn't, that perhaps he cannot ever be.

You can only be in charge of what YOU do. You have a choice; to change YOURSELF into someone who can carry on existing on the few crumbs that your relationship gives you, or to seek out a better life that will not drag you down.

I wonder if you can channel your despair into really putting something of yourself into your weekly counselling sessions. It needs bravery to take that step off the edge of the top board into the swimming pool, and sometimes the knowledge that there is literally nothing to lose can help. It is so hard but can be so worthwhile.

@PaigeMatthews I genuinely believe he does but doesn't know how. I can he that he has feelings for me and does enjoy being together s lot of the time, it's like he doesn't know how. It is so strange as he will be the first person to have a debate or send well worded emails about work issues. But when it comes to feelings he just can't seem to express or understand them.

We had the 'can't keep our hands off each other' period for a few weeks and then it became like an old married couple. It makes me feel very unwanted and lonely. I think he is used to being single, depressed and has been beaten down by a hard job. He says he doesn't want sex or closeness because he is worn out and fed up. He is in the process of leaving his job and I was hoping that this would bring about change. We discussed this before and he said work and depression were the main causes. But I should know from my own depression that there isn't a magic pill or button that will fix it.

I wish I hadn't brought this up and just trundled through until I got past this episode. I desperately need physical closeness at the moment. Breaking up will remove this from my life and I can't bear the thought of that.

@Haffiana I think you may be right about him not being able to be this person. However, I look at his past Facebook content from his old girlfriend and it's fill of pictures of them kissing, him gazing at her, comments on pictures of her that she looks hot, comments from friends about how in love they look. I can't even imagine him being like this with me, and it is sad that he seems capable of it but I am not worth it.

He says that I am very hard to live with (not that we live together, he prefers to rent a room than to move in with me) and that there is always something wrong. It is true that I have had a very hard couple of years and that lots of things have affected me, and I find j hard to let things wash over me. But at the same time I have tried so hard to be loving and caring, always thinking about him and trying to make him happy to the best of my ability. Being an afterthought is so painful but at least I have something.

My ex was like this - and perhaps more so, because he would also diminish my feelings, telling me i was overreacting when I was upset or hurt about something. we split up almost two years ago now, and I'm still trying to deprogramme the habits i got into. my relationships now are so much healthier - and yet I find myself suppressing feelings because i am in that habit, because i used to get faced with silence, or minimisation.

My ex would not accept that we had an issue with communication. he considered that i was 'too intense', and was getting upset over nothing. This, ultimately (among other things, but this really was top of the list) led to our break up. He only agreed to counselling after I pulled the trigger, by which point it was way to late for me.

Based on what you've said, this is something that is going to be hard to fix on your own - I think you need professional help. It sounds like his lack of communication comes from some issues at his end that he needs therapy to work though, and you as a couple need support for the meta-communication (i.e. communicating about communicating).

Honestly, try and sort this out - and really think about if you want to stay in it if he won't engage. It really did me some serious damage that I'm still struggling to remedy - and I didn't really even realise it at the time. It's only now, in healthier relationships with good communication, that i've realised how messed up it all way.

I have suppressed a lot of feelings in this relationship and I know it's not healthy. He is very confident and I have definitely taken a child role in the relationship. I feel and am needy, but am I constant fear of asking for what I need because it makes it real that I have to ask for this stuff, or because of rejection, or because of a poor reaction from him. I am just very afraid to leave because this is better than being alone, and I can't face either being single for ever or dealing with online dating.

Is this one sided relationship really better for you than being on your own?. I do not think so because it’s doing your own mental health no favours at all.

Why exactly is being single a state you so very much fear?.

I think you both need support OP. A bubble of two depressed people is like two people treading water in a stormy ocean after a ship wreck but with not even one life jacket to share. He can barely support you because he’s depressed and you can barely support him because you are depressed. Depression kills sex drive, makes you loathe intimacy and want to isolate yourself. From everyone.
Ideally you shouldn’t need to have to ask him for every bit of support you need, but that may be all he is capable of giving at this time. I’d keep working on him to get help for his depression. It’s harder for men to admit to needing help for themselves.
Keep pushing for yourself too. Call the NHS 111 line and talk to the mental health nurses everytime it gets too much and you need a human connection. The more you call, the faster you go up that wait list.
I would prioritise yourself here to beat your depression. Don’t make any life changing decisions about the relationship now. You’re depressed, he’s depressed. Neither of you are yourselves right now.

OP you mentioned that you would have moved in with your parents for lockdown if you hadn't been with your boyfriend, could this still be an option?

I get that you need his company and closeness. If he is also depressed then he may struggle to give you what you need.

Communication is a difficult one, if he blocks emotions and is very closed then it can be hard to get very far ime. There is the suggestion of 'I' statements rather than blaming him, eg 'I feel sad when we don't cuddle on the sofa, I loved it when you hugged me the other day' so he doesnt get defensive, e.g 'you hardly ever hug me'.

Are there any times he has been more open? If you had a g&t each later in the evening when you're both relaxed, would he be more chatty then?

@AttilaTheMeerkat I have said numerous times that this is better than being single and this is due to past experience when I have been in my current state. Instead of constantly challenging what I am saying, can you please just accept it? Breaking up is not an option for me now.

@PlanDeRaccordement I agree that now is not the time for rash decisions. I am trying very hard to address my mental health and have fought for help for two years now. I am disappointed that he will not even go to the doctor, so when we next talk I am going to ask him to take steps to address it as a non-negotiable condition. You are right that we are not our usual selves - when I am happier and stronger I am not as dependent on others and would be more satisfied with a less intense relationship.

@YuletidePizza not really with the openness bit it does help if I drive us going for nice walks and having a drink with some music. It's just hard work, I feel like I have to do everything for me and for us and right now all I want to do is crawl into bed. I want nothing more than for the people I love to genuinely want to help and look after me so I can have a break from trying to make things better all the time. Or for once for him to ask to see me instead of me making all the arrangements. he's never once said 'when can I see you' or 'I miss you'. It's utterly exhausting and soil destroying.

Soul destroying, obviously.

"I have said numerous times that this is better than being single and this is due to past experience when I have been in my current state. Instead of constantly challenging what I am saying, can you please just accept it?"

Why should you accept this?. You are the child seeking approval from him the parent. He cannot for whatever reasons give you what you want from him and you in turn are in love with the idea of him rather than him. You are not a rehab center for any and all badly raised men and in turn he is not yours to rescue and or save.

Its good that you're cross at me actually, that shows you still have a bit of passion and fire left in your belly. Now aim that at the people it should be aimed at.

This could be my ex boyfriend! Look into attachment styles.

I'd say that you both have different attachment and communication styles. Unless he is willing to do work on himself, you are flogging a dead horse

I think you’re banging your head against a brick wall with this guy, OP, but now is clearly not the time for you to split. Why not think of him as just a part of your solution? Take what he can give but build other people in too. You mention a counsellor, work, your parents, your twin, his housemates. These are all people who can support your life along with your DP. He doesn’t have to be the be all and end all.

I know it’s tough contemplating going back to your parents place for support with your MH, but I do wonder whether this is something you would consider again?

@AttilaTheMeerkat you are not listening to me. I have said that I am not trying to 'save' him but you keep repeating this. I have not said that I am refusing to leave out of stubbornness, but because of my mental health. You do not know me but are arguing with how I know myself. I am finding this frustrating and unhelpful, so I would appreciate it if you could stop. I am asking for help, not an argument.

@ThisTooShallBe you are right. I am going to work on my support network. Having a dog is helping. My parents live in another country and are not happy with me going home because of covid and this has caused lots of problems already (changing their mind, breaking rules yet not wanting me home even though I have been isolating). I could go home but that would remove my other support network and I would be very isolated. But it could work and I may be able to do some different employment. I would have to make arrangements for my house (and multiple plants!).

This is the other thing and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. But I left very upset yesterday morning and he asked if he could see me today when I left. I said yes. Last time this happened he didn't get in touch or check in, despite knowing how upset I would be. I told him I found this really hard and it was like he didn't care, and expected him to at least ask if I was ok. And he's doing the same thing now - no communication or checking in, nothing since I went home. Last time he made an excuse and I'm wondering what the excuse will be now for him not asking how I'm doing.

To be honest it just sounds like a fundamental mismatch of personality.

You need a person who is very in tune with their emotions. He needs someone who is very emotionally independent. He doesn't have the capacity to take care of someone. You need to be really enveloped in emotional support.

I'm not sure how you can manage it. It's like the death of a thousand cuts, every time you glance at the phone and see nothing there. How can you maintain any stoicism when you have your phone with you all day as a constant reminder that he's not checking up on you?

You're asking how to navigate it until you feel strong enough to break up. But certainly this mismatch is making you weaker every day so I'm not sure how you expect yourself to build resiilience within this relationship. It seems contradictory. He is not meeting your needs and that drains you.

Falaff

I have indeed hit a nerve here with you haven't I?. I am so very sorry if I have inadvertently caused you any hurt; that was not my intention at all.

Despite you thinking I am not "listening" to you I am even if my words seem perhaps harsh and or uncaring. But I will state that seeking validation from someone like this man or similar types will never make you happy.

OP, I can really empathise.

But PP are right. You cannot just ride it out until your MH can cope with a break up. Because your MH is being slowly and continuously eroded by this relationship and won't improve to the point you feel strong, without some sort of change or intervention.

I think perhaps some self care and self esteem boosting might help.

And just laying it out to him very clearly what you need from him emotionally. It may not work, but it might do if he thinks he will lose you over it.

I am going to have another talk with him and be very clear about what I need and it's up to him whether he wants to work on that. You are right that I need to be prepared to walks way and that might need to be done sooner rather than later. It is very scary though knowing how I felt during my last single period. I am willing to compromise on some things but perhaps we are just too different.

Is he the only person you have this issue with, or do you regularly find yourself pushed to the brink of insanity as a result of your friendships and family/work relationships?

It sounds as though you have a codependent nature (no judgement here as I have this too)

You are attached to him, and are 'moulding' to his wants and needs consciously or subconsciously, the goal of this being so he doesn't leave you. What you are left with is resentment, because he isn't moulding to your needs.

That's because, and I'm sure you know this, secure/non codependent people want partners to enhance their lives; they're happy alone so relationships should only bring joy.

My ex BF dumped me in the end for what I thought was a flimsy reason; truth was my insecurity was unattractive to him but he was too polite to admit this.

@Eckhart it depends. I have a really good friend who is very good with communication and we get on very well. Other friends I often feel forgotten and like if I didn't get in touch they never wo

Oops.

...they never would. I have a very close relationship with my parents and they are always there for me and asking how I am, but currently a difficult relationship with my sister. I am a very empathetic person who is deeply affected by other people's emotions and am usually eager to please. I enjoy thinking about and doing things for others. My partner just seems very different and I guess I thought this would change. At first he was very attentive but this changed quickly.

Work is another matter which needs to change.

Attila has nailed it.

You are clinging desperately to this. And it’s tearing you apart and preventing you from healing or moving forward. It is coming across loud and clear in your writing.

You can either drift in this ghastly limbo, or address the elephant in the room as to exactly why this deeply unsatisfactory relationship is better than being single. Why not work on getting yourself into a position to cope on your own, then you are free to walk away.

At them moment you are agonising on how to fix him. Put your energy into you.

@countesskay I am definitely codependent and it is a lifelong effort to change. If I have healthy relationships I can be very independent and am far less needy.

It's interesting what you say about your ex. I know he finds my neediness unattractive. But despite me telling him very clearly why I am like this (i.e. he never offers what I need or puts and emotional input into the relationship) he doesn't change. So he makes me behave this way and then probably resents me for it. Like someone who gets pissed off that the washing up hasn't been don't but makes no effort to do it themselves.