Being told you have no banter

[HiyaCathyy]

Has anyone ever been told this by a boyfriend? But the banter is negative comments about your appearance and if I react badly I can’t take a joke? Can’t seem to get perspective with all the lockdown stuff going on.

My knobhead alarm just went off.

I’ve never heard the term ‘banter’ used by a man who isn’t a total bellend.

@BornIn78

I’ve never heard the term ‘banter’ used by a man who isn’t a total bellend.

Yes this

Yes banter means “putting you down to keep you in your place but claiming it’s a joke”
He’s a twat.
Dump.

'Just bantz innit' and 'you can't take a joke' are piss poor responses to being caught out acting like a dick.

Bant-aaah

Normally means really obvious, shit sense of humour with no subtleties followed up by machine gun laughter.

Not a fan myself.

I don’t think he’s bad but I feel like I’m being told I have no sense of humour when I do, I just don’t find negative comments about my appearance that funny. I don’t know if I am over sensitive, I think I am but I feel like my partner should lift me up about these things.

Start joking about his tiny knob, his receding hairline, his beer belly, his dogshit breath, how your ex was sooooo much better in bed. If he dares to get upset tell him it’s “banter”.

Or, just dump him - much easier.

Bin him

Why would someone who loves you make hurtful comments about how you look??? It literally makes no sense.

You're not over sensitive. He's a twat.

God, I hate ‘banter’ - always seems to be used by men as a way to excuse rude, often nasty behaviour.

He's really immature. I've had this with varying degrees with different men. It's a spectrum of just a bit immature up to full blown abusive. I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

Men who use 'banter' to excuse nasty behaviour also use 'high maintenance' to describe any expectation of respect or basic courtesy.

@JazzyGeoff

My knobhead alarm just went off.

Love this!

I don’t think he’s bad

He’s making fun of your appearance. That makes him bad.
What exactly is he saying?

He should be making you feel great about yourself, not dragging you down. Bin him and make space for someone worthy of your energy.

Nope. Sorry.

He's just a dickhead.

As above. Clearly being a dick and then blaming you for not finding it funny. Very common with abusers (though I'm not flat out accusing him of that).

Its a pretty shitty way to treat your girlfriend.

Move on... find a better man, one who respects you and your boundaries.

I know I’m sensitive, my appearance is a sore point as I was bullied when I was really ill over the way I looked for about 2 months relentlessly. I can take a joke and I’ve always been told I have a great sense of humour, i don’t think he sets out to hurt me but sometimes I think wow that was very over the top and hurtful. I feel like I can’t think straight sometimes and I wonder am I the hurtful one making something out of nothing. I think it’s all the lockdown stuff.

Dump and move on. You deserve better OP. He is a massive dick head.

i don’t think he sets out to hurt me but sometimes I think wow that was very over the top and hurtful.

Have you tried talking to him? Does he know you were bullied?

To me, making fun of someone’s appearance is NEVER ok.

I think he does set out to hurt you. And then he dismisses your feelings. I know couples who banter like that but they both genuinely find it funny. A guy that continues to knowingly hurt your feelings despite your upset is a complete shithead and will never change. Time to dump him, OP. He’s horrible.

If you've told him that his comments hurt you and he continues to do it then he does know op, and he is a thoroughly unpleasant person.

I understand. My other half does it. And usually in public, one there was short lady at the checkout and i giggled and said oh look someone my height finally. He said but shes got tits and ass to compensate. I said who the fuck says that. He got annoyed saying i cant take a joke i apologised for overreacting but now i think back i was deffo offended. So id say trust ur emotions if ur upset or shocked thats not wrong to feel like that

He is bad for you - he’s using humour to hurt you and gaslighting you by telling you you can’t take the joke.

I’ve worked in mostly male environments with a lot of banter - it an easy bonding exercise, it can be funny for a bit, if everyone’s on board.

But it’s not normal to use it in a one on one relationship, where you would have intimacy and a deeper humour. It’s especially not normal to use it when one person doesn’t line it. This is a red flag OP. Move on.

Its a way of invalidating your feelings and keep you in your place. I hear it used a lot as an excuse to be misogynistic.