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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being told you have no banter

85 replies

HiyaCathyy · 16/01/2021 12:41

Has anyone ever been told this by a boyfriend? But the banter is negative comments about your appearance and if I react badly I can’t take a joke? Can’t seem to get perspective with all the lockdown stuff going on.

OP posts:
ButterFlyGirl19961 · 16/01/2021 16:26

@youvegottenminuteslynn I am, i have my own thread about his behaviour. I just wanted to help someone understand its not right. Im trying to end the relationship although proving difficult

Bitbusyattheminute · 16/01/2021 16:45

Banter done properly is meant to be fun and make all parties feel happy. But it's used too often to excuse being a twat. Teenage girls I talk to, say boys use it a lot as an excuse to put them down.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/01/2021 16:52

I feel like I can’t think straight sometimes and I wonder am I the hurtful one making something out of nothing. I think it’s all the lockdown stuff.

This is what gaslighting does. And what someone bullying you does.

He is a prick. Please don't give your life to someone who should love you but says things that make you feel like he doesn't even like you.

Would you ever walk up to a stranger and insult their appearance? Would you do it to someone you liked? Loved? Of course not. If you did so and they were upset would you tell them they're over reacting or would you say sorry and not do it again? The latter.

Mate, he's a dick.

SnoozyLou · 16/01/2021 16:53

No. My response would be "You have no girlfriend."

How old is he? 15? Did he say banter or bants? Never mind. God, he sounds so annoying.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 16/01/2021 16:54

Banter is a term used by teats who like to denigrate women. I hate ‘banter’, ‘banter’ is the language of a knob, usually a small one.

Makingnumber2 · 16/01/2021 16:58

Negging and gaslighting.
Nasty, unnecessary and definitely your red flag to LTB.

SnoozyLou · 16/01/2021 17:02

I'm guessing you're quite inexperienced relationshipwise. I am sorry, you won't want to hear this, but he is doing it to hurt you. Despite what you may think, he is actually quite an insecure person. He brings up things that bother you about your appearance deliberately to diminish your self confidence. Because actually, he can see that you're too good for him and he's scared that you too will come to this realisation and leave him. He will say more and more, with the ultimate aim of making you feel shittier and shittier, destroying all of your self esteem.

You don't say hurtful things to someone you love if you're an emotionally healthy person. Please dump him now and save yourself a lot of grief in the long run.

harknesswitch · 16/01/2021 17:38

Read up on 'negging'

JiltedJohnsJulie · 16/01/2021 18:43

Read up on 'negging'.

I've never heard that term before but it explains what's going on here perfectly.

Hailtomyteeth · 16/01/2021 18:47

Look him in the eye and remember what @Hail likes to say... "Fuck off, cunt."

MrsBobDylan · 16/01/2021 18:49

You need to open your eyes op - he is trying to hurt you so he can be in control.

I would bet my mortgage that if you made 'banter' about his appearance he wouldn't speak to you for days.

If you don't dump him now, you can be guaranteed years of misery with ever diminishing confidence.

herecomestreble · 16/01/2021 18:51

@JazzyGeoff

My knobhead alarm just went off.
This.
DontBeShelfish · 16/01/2021 19:52

This is a huge red flag OP. He's undermining you and making it seem like you're over sensitive when you react to it. It's a million times worse if he knows you've been upset in the past by comments about yourself appearance.

Don't justify this to yourself any more. He's not a nice guy. You need to bin him, and fast, before he destroys your self-esteem. What a nasty shit he is.

FolkAreWeird · 16/01/2021 20:46

@BornIn78

Start joking about his tiny knob, his receding hairline, his beer belly, his dogshit breath, how your ex was sooooo much better in bed. If he dares to get upset tell him it’s “banter”.

Or, just dump him - much easier.

YES 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 17/01/2021 19:41

He is, most assuredly, a world class cunt. You are way better than this arse, get rid of him before he damages you.

Shoxfordian · 17/01/2021 19:44

Dump him, he’s a knob

category12 · 17/01/2021 19:47

It's only a joke if you're both laughing.

If he gives a shiny shit about you, he could just accept you don't like "jokes" about your appearance and decide not to do it anymore, rather than berating you and making it your fault.

What would it actually cost him to not make those "jokes"? the answer is, fuck all, but he likes to put you down and make you upset.

Wanderlusto · 17/01/2021 20:51

Standard abuse.

Picks on something you are insecure about and then calls you oversensistive or says you cant take a joke when it upsets you.

Run for the hills. He's a horrible person. And he views you with contempt,not love.

Fran856 · 17/01/2021 20:54

It depends how he’s Saying it and what he is saying ?
Personally me and my OH literally rip the shit out of each other , I make fun of his lockdown weight gain he rips me for having had Botox and loads of other stuff but we absolutely no it’s a laugh , I could not be with someone without banter but like I said it depends how he’s saying it etc

Iyiyi · 17/01/2021 21:16

Fran856 but your OH is happy to be in the receiving end. The tell tale sign of negging is that it’s only funny one way - any dishing it back to them and they hate it.

PaigeMatthews · 17/01/2021 21:21

Op, why would you want to
Be in this relationship? You have poor boundaries and need to address this before starting a relationship.

Regularsizedrudy · 17/01/2021 21:47

Men who use the word banter don’t get anywhere near my fanny

EarthSight · 17/01/2021 22:15

It's great to have chemistry, but just because someone else doesn't get your humour doesn't mean they have none, and doesn't mean they don't have 'banter'. Honestly! 🙄🙄🙄

Some men are just badly socialised with women. They expect women to enjoy the sort of humour they would share with the lads, the same camaraderie as what you might find in a very macho place like a building site. Sometimes that does happen, but he sounds like he's not very experienced with the way most women communicate. I wonder if he would find it absolutely hilarious if you joked how small his dick is compared to what you've had in the past. I say that because some people who claim they can take it on the chin are actually a lot more sensitive than they let on.

Kitten11x · 17/01/2021 22:36

He’s an abuser . Get rid .

OwlLovesTea · 18/01/2021 01:26

tell him you're not afraid of a moment's silence, you'd rather not talk shite for the sake of it just to fill the silence, you're comfortable with your own thoughts.

I like a good humoured chat as much as the next person but he decided to go out with you and then says you have ''no banter''. It just makes him sound like he can't get to know anybody properly, he has to keep it at a certain level of ''intimacy'' dictated by himself, ie, not that close. Banter til he decides it's over?

Get in there first.