Wedding anniversary hell

[classiestgal]

It was my wedding anniversary this week. We’ve been married a long time. He’s never made any effort apart from our 10th which was lovely so I wasn’t expecting much but I didn’t even get a morning cuddle or a cuppa in bed. Just nothing. I was very hurt. It was obvious the day was just going to be a nothing day. I suggested going for a walk. He agreed but his whole demeanour was disinterest. I try really hard to push down my hurt and disappointment with these kind of things but I was very unhappy and I snapped at him over something trivial which then ended up with us in a huge argument and he shouted something very hurtful in front of the kids. Since then (midweek) he’s not talking to me. That evening I put a glass of wine and the present I’d got him outside his door with a “sorry we argued on our anniversary” and he gave it back to me with a “no thanks”. So it’s now 4 days later and he’s completely shut me out which he has a tendency to do and the atmosphere is just awful. I don’t know what to do next or how to handle this.

What are his good points?

I think you need to take your blinkers off, not every marriage has issues like this, being ignored for four days, sleeping in separate rooms, his complete disinterest, you always apologising.
You deserve better than this horrible controlling man. There’s a whole world out there for you and for you to have a better life.

Ltb!!!

Why do you want to stay married to this man?

Your showing your DC that marriage is where the wife placates and begs the husband to throw scrap of affection her way.
That sulking and stonewalling gets you what you want.
That treating your partner with disdain and giving no thought to their wants and needs gets you blind devotion.

He’s kicking you away and you keep going back for more.

He doesn’t sound like he wants to be married to you.

Are either of you happy?

@lightand

His issues with his unhappiness with the marriage are deep. You are largely able to get him over some rows, but deeper issues that he has, historical ones, need to be resolved.

Or alternatively, the huffy, controlling prick can get to fuck?

It just sounds draining. He hasn’t spoken to you for 4 days and you have separate bedrooms. He did nothing for your anniversary and yet you end up apologising.
I would be asking him to leave or of not possible making plans to split - sell the house if you have to. You’ll be happier.

You are not responsible for smoothing over every issue in your relationship. Cuddling him to 'get us over it'? I know someone has to make the first move, but it shouldn't always be you. You should be an equal partnership, with him making as much effort as you to maintain goodwill. If he doesn't and never has, is it really worth staying? Would you not be happier with your own space and freedom and no sulkiness to tiptoe around?

Why do you want the marriage to carry on?you don't share a bed! He didn't get you anything for your anniversary!hasn't spoke to you for days!you need to leave! Just reading the thread I'm getting the impression it's over x

Some tough love I'm afraid. You do know that most flatmates - strangers - sharing a house, get on better than you and your "DH"? More fun. More respect.
Are you hanging onto this sullen flatmate because you don't have a job or savings? If so, sort that out pronto. You were setting yourself up for a fail by hoping for romance from a man who tolerates you, doesn't appear to like you and doesn't care about how you feel. He is a waste of space OP and he's dragging you down. Don't want to "break up" a marriage? There's nothing there to break.

Also, the fact that you posted a thread about your anniversary disappointment, unfortunately shows that you are in deep denial. Anyone with a relationship like this would have binned the idea of happy anniversaries years ago.
Posting about the lack of intimacy, lack of affection, and sulking, would have suggested you had your blinkers off.

Different bedrooms in itself isn't an issue but he sounds like an angry irritable b.......

I’ve also been in a relationship like this. It was miserable, but oddly I thought I couldn’t be happy without him. Guess what? I was wrong!! Dumped him & never looked back. I found actual happiness.

@DianaT1969

Some tough love I'm afraid. You do know that most flatmates - strangers - sharing a house, get on better than you and your "DH"? More fun. More respect. Are you hanging onto this sullen flatmate because you don't have a job or savings? If so, sort that out pronto. You were setting yourself up for a fail by hoping for romance from a man who tolerates you, doesn't appear to like you and doesn't care about how you feel. He is a waste of space OP and he's dragging you down. Don't want to "break up" a marriage? There's nothing there to break.

I would be treating him like a flatmate, lead your own life and don’t include him in it. Don’t look for someone new (you’re evidently used to celibacy) but put yourself and any children centre stage.

Such a poor relationship and useless partner don’t deserve consideration, certainly not priority. If there are no DC involved it should be relatively easy to regain your independence.

Dear God. You're just being used for childcare, and domestic duties probably. I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg. Your poor kids.
What a way to live.

I gasped at "No thanks" - I'm not sure there's much to salvage here if I'm being brutally honest. He sounds cruel, and the entire dynamic between you sounds awful and sad and manipulative.

There are already issues.
You don't sleep together.
He says horrible things in front of your children.
You end up having arguments instead of discussing an issue.
You don't take responsibility for your part in the arguments but 'win' the moral high ground by demonstrating how nice you are you are with your gift and half apology.
He responds by cold shouldering for days.

This is so unhealthy. And unhappy which is very important - what do you get out of this relationship?

'This is so unhealthy. And unhappy which is very important - what do you get out of this relationship?'

This is a really important question OP. Yes, every relationship has issues, but there is nothing 'normal' or reasonable about your situation. You sound very much in denial, and still hoping that you can make all the problems go away with cuddles and gifts.

You sound so beaten down and unhappy.

Consider separating from him.

Do you have any friends or family nearby to talk with?

If she suggested separation, my guess is that he would say yes. If nothing else, to cut off his nose to spite his face.
Besides, she has said she doesnt want to break up the marriage.

My guess also is, that he has told her along the way why he is unhappy. The situation may or may not be able to be sorted.
But her starting place probably needs to be there, unless she is largely happy bumbling along as she is.

You're in an emotionally abusive relationship. He's gaslighting you into apologising for anything and everything that goes wrong to keep the peace.

Get legal advice. Call women's aid. Make plans to get out and get a life.

He'd have been wearing the fucking wine after that.

This doesn’t sound much of a marriage. Seriously, do you want to have another anniversary with this miserable man?

You are being abused OP - and you don't recognise it because you want so much for things to be different between you.
I can tell you that things have no chance of being different unless you stand up to him and call him out on his abuse. I can't tell you whether it's worth trying to fix this or not - im dubious- but can only see the surface. Either way - he needs to know! It's not ok.

I’ve stood up to him and it makes it worse

He’s using his behaviour to control you. Look up coercive control.

This isn’t an even marriage! He takes all the control. Giving you the silent treatment is childish.

I would want my daughter to know this is not how a woman should be treated and I’d want my son to know this is not how you treat someone you love!