Wedding anniversary hell

[classiestgal]

It was my wedding anniversary this week. We’ve been married a long time. He’s never made any effort apart from our 10th which was lovely so I wasn’t expecting much but I didn’t even get a morning cuddle or a cuppa in bed. Just nothing. I was very hurt. It was obvious the day was just going to be a nothing day. I suggested going for a walk. He agreed but his whole demeanour was disinterest. I try really hard to push down my hurt and disappointment with these kind of things but I was very unhappy and I snapped at him over something trivial which then ended up with us in a huge argument and he shouted something very hurtful in front of the kids. Since then (midweek) he’s not talking to me. That evening I put a glass of wine and the present I’d got him outside his door with a “sorry we argued on our anniversary” and he gave it back to me with a “no thanks”. So it’s now 4 days later and he’s completely shut me out which he has a tendency to do and the atmosphere is just awful. I don’t know what to do next or how to handle this.

That's very abusive behaviour from him OP.
And in front of the kids?

Sounds like your marriage may be over? He is a spiteful coward behaving like this. I'd ask him to leave unless this behaviour is extremely out of character.

What would you like OP. Ok you don’t want your marriage to end but are you going to put up with this marriage for the rest of your life or until he leaves? You will not change him and we cannot offer any advice to make him a nicer person. You did nothing wrong here. He is rude and abusive to you and in front of the children. If you have a son, one day he too will talk to you like his father does. If you have a daughter she will think this is normal and will have very poor relationship expectations.

I’m a divorced parent. It really is ok. Our house is calm. The children are happy and fed. They see their father regularly. We still do the Christmas and birthdays and parents evenings together. It works. It sounds like it is better than your marriage I’m afraid to say.

Do you need help to organise asking him to leave? There is lots of advice on here or else where.

How is the marriage generally? I agree sulking and not speaking is very destructive behaviour however I think you might need to learn to process your feelings.

When you woke up did you acknowledge your wedding anniversary or were you expecting him to do it first. When you say pushed down your feelings, does that really mean you were resentful?

Stonewalling however is a high predictor of relationship failure..they is little you can do to resolve it on your own. He has to acknowledge and want to change. Until then you can only tolerate it or decide you deserve better.

Tell him no thanks on the marriage and divorce the cunt.

I also picked up on the “his door” comment - is that an office (it’s still weird that you don’t just go in though) or a separate bedroom?

If it’s the latter, combined with everything else you’ve said in this post, I’d say your marriage is already “over” in all the important ways.

The “no thanks” return of the present is just the soured icing on a well-past-its-use-by cake.

My only option is to leave him though and I don’t want the marriage to break up
haha, if that is the case, be careful how much you listen to the messages here, some are just desperate to split up relationships.

Look I understand you are upset but an anniversary is for both of you to celebrate. You seem to be waiting for him to organise something, why dont you sort it out too? His behaviour is upsetting and hurtful, but I assume it depends what was raised in the argument. You really need to tell him that the silent treatment has to stop and you both need to talk. That you wont be his emotional punch bag. But you need to communicate properly, that is both listening as well as talking

Ok, so the day was never going to meet your expectations. But once he realised that you wanted to acknowledge the day (even if it was just was a walk together) he could have played along. Made a flask of tea and walked with you.
But everything from then on, totally unreasonable.
I'd be seriously considering giving myself the big fat anniversary present of telling him to move out.
Or at least telling him this is what you're thinking.
Someone like this who will not try to up their game a bit for the sake of someone they love will suck the joy out of every family event for years to come - think of your silver and gold anniversary, the dc's significant birthdays and wedding days, your 80th birthday. Dismal.

Honestly, @classiestgal that sounds horrible.

Do you really want to live the rest your life this way?

Why don’t you want to separate?

Oh, and drink the wine.

I try really hard to push down my hurt and disappointment with these kind of things but I was very unhappy and I snapped at him over something trivial
So I'm guessing from his POV, neither of you brought the other a cup of tea, or gave the other a cuddle, then you started an argument. Then that evening, from his POV, you said "sorry we argued", as if you hadn't started it, i.e. a pseudo-apology that placed the blame on him. And neither of you talk about issues that are bothering you, so, again from his POV, his sulking is justifiable as it's the usual way the two of you have always dealt with things.

There's clearly a massive back story to this - it's not about your anniversary?

That sounds like a very hurtful day between the two of you. Would he normally get you a cuppa in bed on your anniversary? Assuming he remembered it was your anniversary, was he making a statement from not doing these small gestures? This sounds like it's all been building up for a long time. Has he been harbouring resentment towards you or his lifestyle? It sounds like you have also been feeling resentful, naturally, which showed itself when you 'snapped'. It sounds like there's been a communication breakdown for a while. A lot of people on here have suggested that your marriage is unhealthy, which is how it sounds, from your post. But it doesn't sound like a breakup is something you want to consider, understandably. Assuming there isn't something more serious going on here, how do you think you both could mend some of the rifts in your marriage? When you can gauge that he is not in a 'reactive mood', it's time to open up communication. Can you tell him you want to save your relationship, and ask him if he wants to save it too? If it is repairable, then consider, what can he do to make you feel loved? Tell him this. Ask him what makes him feel loved? It's a start....

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

That's what you have to ask yourself.

God, with that level of behaviour why wouldn't you want the marriage to break up ??! If you want to stay legally married, accept he's not interested in being kind, stop trying with him and start living your own life.

op, I get where you are coming from with your two comments.

Generally speaking, how is he?
Talkative? Unresponsive? Moody? Stressed? Holding a list of things against you? Worried about money?

My husband used to behave like this on every single occasion. He is my ex husband now and I couldn't be happier.

I also want to know what you mean by "his door."

His door means his bedroom. We sleep separately. There are historical issues and he’s not really interested in us spending the night together.

Honestly OP, why are you still there, and why do you say you want to stay?

You have every right to feel hurt by his behaviour. Trying to shove your hurt and anger deep down inside will hurt you badly, and wont work for long, as you already know. Sounds like you spend a lot of time walking on eggshells, and that's no good for you either

He doesn’t like you very much does he? Why are you hanging on??

It really does sound like your marriage is beyond recovery, OP. Are you sure you want to continue living this way?

Not a marriage but I have been in a similar relationship. Every special occasion was ruined and I was made to feel like everything was my fault. Looking back, it was an emotionally abusive relationship including coercive control which eventually ended in minor physical violence. I would encourage you to take a good hard look at yours and assess whether the same could be said for yours.

Ok, things are a little clearer now. You don't really have a marriage to celebrate anymore? He sounds like he has totally checked out of the marriage and this is the bit that is provably hurting you so much and the anniversary just put the final nail in the coffin for you. So sorry, what are you both still in this marriage for when its quite toxic? Please dont stay for the kids as now they think relationships and marriage means being horrible to each other, sleeping separately and ignoring your spouse.

@litterbird has nailed it. It doesn’t sound like there’s anything to celebrate here and you sound completely resigned and beaten down, OP.

Life is not a dress rehearsal, OP. You have this one shot. Do you want to waste another decade with an uncaring partner? This seems like a poor relationship to model for your DCs but it will also be taking a huge toll on you. It’s likely that everyone will be happier if you and your H no longer kept flogging the dead horse of your marriage but set up a co-parenting arrangement instead.

Oh :(
This sounds so sad.

What are the historical issues? Did you cheat?
Only asking because he seems pretty pissed off with you about something and apologies if I've got it wrong.