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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wedding anniversary hell

109 replies

classiestgal · 16/01/2021 07:21

It was my wedding anniversary this week. We’ve been married a long time. He’s never made any effort apart from our 10th which was lovely so I wasn’t expecting much but I didn’t even get a morning cuddle or a cuppa in bed. Just nothing. I was very hurt. It was obvious the day was just going to be a nothing day. I suggested going for a walk. He agreed but his whole demeanour was disinterest. I try really hard to push down my hurt and disappointment with these kind of things but I was very unhappy and I snapped at him over something trivial which then ended up with us in a huge argument and he shouted something very hurtful in front of the kids. Since then (midweek) he’s not talking to me. That evening I put a glass of wine and the present I’d got him outside his door with a “sorry we argued on our anniversary” and he gave it back to me with a “no thanks”. So it’s now 4 days later and he’s completely shut me out which he has a tendency to do and the atmosphere is just awful. I don’t know what to do next or how to handle this.

OP posts:
rosegoldwatcher · 16/01/2021 19:39

Well I am not bothered one way or the other about wedding anniversaries. One or the other of us forgets every year. Even our 30th this year was 'celebrated' with just a card and a kiss.

BUT - it matters greatly to you and, having been married for some years, he should know this! The fact that he chose to ignore it says a lot about his respect for you OP.

I think that next year you should remind him a week or two before the day that your anniversary is very important to you and plan together the celebration.

Trumplosttheelection · 16/01/2021 19:42

Well I think he's cheating now whatever has happened before. And sorry it's a cliche but could he be gay?

lightand · 16/01/2021 20:09

There is obviously a history.
Which I dont think you are willing to say on this thread. So I dont see how people can help you much unless you are willing to say quite a lot more.

Cherrysoup · 16/01/2021 20:33

What are you giving from this relationship? Why wouldn’t you just split up when he is abusive? Are you scared to be alone? I bet the children would be thoroughly bloody relieved to not live in such an awful atmosphere. Why ruin your life?

MixMatch · 16/01/2021 23:28

A lot of mumsnetters love trying to get people to permanently break up their marriages and families, but only you know the full history and story of what's going on. Problems in a relationship doesn't mean that it's doomed.

Have you gone for couples counselling ?@classiestgal

Original poster
classiestgal · 17/01/2021 01:59

Definitely not gay, no cheating from either of us just a complete inability to resolve any conflict. If we argue he can’t get over it without me begging and apologising. We argued on weds. It’s now Sunday and he’s still cross. There’s no way to talk and resolve. He just becomes resentful and sullen. I try and cuddle and get us over it but he just pushes me away.

OP posts:
Everyonetakeiteasy · 17/01/2021 02:13

That sounds.. 😔 I wish you all the best but you should have a normal decent life without having to put up with this..miserable situation. Apologising and trying to cuddle? No need to. Is there anything worthwile there...?

Original poster
classiestgal · 17/01/2021 02:23

I don’t know but it’s all I’ve got

OP posts:
Everyonetakeiteasy · 17/01/2021 02:41

OP please don't say that... We are all our harshest critics and just like entering routine in terms of activities, we enter routines in terms of thinking too. Especially the negative ones. If a friend felt like you did, looked after the people in her family and so on, you would be kind to them when they had troubles... You'd want them to think kindly about themselves and ask them to try and find what would make their life better, more pleasant and less..dependant on their not so nice partner/husband. Apply the same to you. Allow yourself to think about your life with a bit of kindness and positivity and see what you really feel.

Onthedunes · 17/01/2021 02:42

Oh classietgal, I really feel for you.
It must feel like a no win situation for you.

I imagine you have been placating this man child forever. Want's his own way, doesn't get it sulks, silent tratment, ignors you and then when you can't stand it any longer, know you have to swallow your pride and cajole him into making up'
Fucking exhausting, demoralising and soul sucking behaviour that tramples any feelings of self worth.
He doesn't get it, never will because his feelings are more important than yours.

A long time together and you are learning to stand your ground more, you are hardened by it all, you are not sleeping together.
The lines have been drawn in the marriage.
I will say it is at this point in marriages like these, one partner actively finds another to proove they are capable of love, its usually the man.

Could you go to councelling together, it sounds as though he needs educating about his behaviors, he won't listen to you.
Banging your head against a brick wall comes to mind.
Some men are emotionally stupid and he sounds like one of them.
Take care

Maybe I'm totally wrong but thats how it reads to me.
If you want to save the marriage don't let the resentment build up any further, you will get to a point where it can't be saved.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 17/01/2021 02:45

It is your choice if you are willing to beg and grovel in order to keep the title of "Mrs. Grumpy Sullen" but remember that you are modeling to your children what a 'marriage' is. Do you want you sons behaving like their father and treating some girl like dirt? Do you want your daughters tiptoeing around, putting up with silences and emotional battering so that they can be a "Mrs."?
When you put up with this treatment you are teaching your children to put up with it too. Forget being a Wife and try being a Mother.

1forAll74 · 17/01/2021 02:52

Not sure why you expected some lovely anniversary celebration, when you both seem to live a little bit apart in your home. The only option is to celebrate it by yourself.

Original poster
classiestgal · 17/01/2021 02:55

I guess I keep hoping that we can come back together as a couple and get over the resentments

OP posts:
CostaDelCovid · 17/01/2021 03:00

He behaves like this for days on end just because you snapped at him?!?!?!
How utterly, utterly insane. Bonkers.

He isn't going to change now OP. He (& your marriage) will ALWAYS be like this. Exactly how it is right now.....

Fuck that Hmm

Etinox · 17/01/2021 03:03
Sad This is so sad. Think about what @GeorgiaGirl52 says. What would you like to be modelling to your children. Can you see that you can do that better not married to him?
Original poster
classiestgal · 17/01/2021 03:09

Every relationship has issues though? Isn’t it better to show them that things can be worked through

OP posts:
katy1213 · 17/01/2021 03:21

You can't work things through with someone who won't speak to you for days on end. Is there any glimmer of happiness you get from this marriage - other than the security of being married? It doesn't sound like there's much left for you to work on.

Etinox · 17/01/2021 03:25

@classiestgal

Every relationship has issues though? Isn’t it better to show them that things can be worked through
But you’re not working through things my love. You’re being abused Flowers
BlueThistles · 17/01/2021 03:35

I wouldn't have apologised to this vile cretin for love nor money... kids or no kids this man is abusive and you need to look closer OP.. at what he is doing to you... Lady you are being horribly abused. Flowers

Onthedunes · 17/01/2021 04:04

She is being abused, yes.

But she doesn't want to leave, she is asking if there is anything to make things better between them.
Honesty is the only way forward with outside help in understanding the dynamics of the relationship.

He sounds wrong, you sound right but what good is that knowledge unless he understands that. Maybe he never will.

Ask him if he's up for trying to understand, your'e getting nowhere as things stand.

BlueThistles · 17/01/2021 04:23

No ... you cannot change his behaviour or response to you OP

Morechocmorechoc · 17/01/2021 04:30

Sorry op normal relationships don't have problems like these.inky kids ignore each other. He clearly knows you won't leave. Think you need to amend your mindset, there's better out there where you can be happy, including being single

WouldBeGood · 17/01/2021 07:40

I agree with @Stoatsandweazles that this sounds like abuse.

I think that you should try to get counselling for yourself to try to understand why you are accepting this. Not couples’ counselling.

It’s really not a good example for children, as you are not resolving differences but being treated like shit and accepting it. I know it’s hard to break free from that but counselling will help

lightand · 17/01/2021 07:41

His issues with his unhappiness with the marriage are deep.
You are largely able to get him over some rows, but deeper issues that he has, historical ones, need to be resolved.

lightand · 17/01/2021 07:44

You are not overly forthcoming yourself either I dont think.
You are both essentially papering over cracks.
In my opinion your marriage may be able to be improved a lot, but there may need to be some fundamental changes.