Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship???

[Imaybeinanabusiverelationship]

NC for this.
DH keeps control of all finances. Gives me a monthly ‘salary’ which is quite generous for food and daily expenses. Anything outside that I have to ask him for it and he usually says no. But that’s ok cause it’s probably only for crap like clothes that I have enough of. DH earns 6 figures but more in the higher end of 6 figures- for context. I had my own little corporate job earning about £45k so when we had children I gave it up to look after them. So I’ve lost my career and I suppose it hurts a bit that I have to ask him for £££ every time I need/ want anything. DH is a good father to DD and DS. A bit more in love with DD who is 5 then DS 3. DD has realised this and has started manipulating him quite a bit. For e.g. today she didn’t want to do her maths school work so started screaming and crying knowing well that he’d come to her rescue. He comes down and gives me a push on my shoulder and asks me to get out. This is the first time he’s done it but every time this has happened he’s gone straight to her and shouted at me. I’m beginning to feel he’s abusing me. My mother stayed in an abusive relationship or at least it seemed to me it was from where I was standing because like me she had nowhere to go. I don’t know if I am doing the same. I’m willing to accept that I’m overthinking this and it was only a little push. So please talk some sense into me. I’ve been crying the whole day and my head hurts! Also, other then these 2 things he’s a good husband.

You are not a money grabber. Stop putting yourself down

At the moment I don’t even know where to start

You have already started.

Thank you all. I have a lot to think about and do. At the moment he has come in and said I need to ease off on DD and when I questioned it he said he didn’t think he was abusive but if I think so then he’s very sorry. I am going to talk about marriage counselling and then take it from there. I don’t want to give up on the marriage as yet. But in the meantime I will also start working towards getting a career again.

[quote Imaybeinanabusiverelationship]@TinaTurnoff
Please may I ask, what happened in your case? I’m feeling heartbroken today[/quote]
Where to start.

His income was his income. We didn’t run short by any stretch. There was money in my account each week, and I used it to pay for everything from groceries to utility bills to clothes to sports/ballet to gum shields to birthday presents to school contributions to kids slippers to tennis club membership and basically all the ‘costs’ that are both essential to all homes and extras that come with what I suppose you could call a middle class lifestyle. So, not short.

However, my ring-fenced amount meant I had no money to call my own, and in a household of >800k gross income, that inequity worried me. Four children. So we were in a situation where I ran the house comfortably on 4-5% of his gross income, but never saw the rest.

We would have a fairly non-fancy holiday (self catering), and 1-2 breaks away in nice places. He would pay, and these were always something I didn’t have to worry about or pay for.

NB I started a savings fund standing order every month out of my ‘income.’ *

If I requested extra, eg for my once a year weekend away with friends, it was granted. If I bought a pair of jeans for myself on Next online, it was ‘good for you, you deserve a little something.’

I was in charge of all household jobs, but in a ‘staff’ way. If something was not quite right in his eyes, it was my fault. The illuminating example was when I got pictures hung and they were at the wrong eye-line for the eight-inches-taller boss of the house.

When we separated (infidelity on his part), I remained in the family home but now have only the savings referred to * above. And I’ve used half of them on a solicitor. Not the intended aim.

I am back at work in approx 40% of my pre-children income with tiny increments each year.

Think about what shape you want your life to be. Work out what you want, and create some boundaries. Communicate them clearly.

he said he didn’t think he was abusive but if I think so then he’s very sorry

This is a classic trick to sound like an apology, but actually putting the responsibility back on you. He's not sorry for how he treats you, he's sorry for your response to it. Be aware of whether he's making everything out to be your fault. Even things that he chooses to do himself.

Says you "have to" hardly sounds like an equal and mutually respectful relationship does it?

@TinaTurnoff will you get a share of the assets from the divorce? Are you pushing ahead with that?

Even the way he is with the dc is a sign of abuse. To have a golden child, prefer one over the other is not healthy.

He shouts at you, pushes you, makes you cry, undermines you in front of your children and witholds and controls your finances. He is abusive.

Imaybeinanabusiverelationship

Re your comments (that I have separated out for clarity):-
"At the moment he has come in and said I need to ease off on DD and when I questioned it he said he didn’t think he was abusive but if I think so then he’s very sorry".

His apology is meaningless and any change from him is and will be short lived. He is not sorry at all for what he has done. This is who he is and your children are learning a lot of damaging lessons on relationships from you two. When someone shows you who they are it pays to take heed.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see such a poor example within your childhood home too?.

"I am going to talk about marriage counselling and then take it from there".

No. If you want to talk see a Solicitor, your time would be better spent doing that. Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship and there are many types of abuse here he is showing you and in turn your kids. Do you think that he will actually deign to sit in front of some counsellor anyway; he will likely refuse and even if he did attend one session it will be a waste of time. He will try and manipulate the counsellor into taking his side and making it all out to be your fault. Abusive men never apologise nor accept ANY responsibility for their actions.

"I don’t want to give up on the marriage as yet".

Why not?. What are you getting out of it in terms of your own needs being met here?. Is this abusive example of a relationship all you think you deserve?. What about your children in all this, stop putting your marriage and or him ahead of them because they won't thank you for remaining with him. He has given up on you and you should not keep up with any further pretence of it for what are your own reasons. He likes having you around in order for you to do the housework and to abuse you at the same time. He will not want to let go of you, his prisoner and or possession, that easily and will remain just as obstructive and abusive towards you and your kids going forward. This also does not mean you should stay with him.

"But in the meantime I will also start working towards getting a career again".

This will take time particularly during a pandemic and the longer you remain with him, the harder it will feel to you to make a complete break. In the meantime he will merely continue to rule the roost over you all and further scapegoat your DD. Getting back to you he will likely actively sabotage any and all attempts for you to get back into the workplace.

There is no doubt about it; you are in an abusive relationship and he is financially abusing you to boot. Such men are rarely solely financially abusive as well and he is indeed abusive in other ways too.

You have a choice re him; your children do not. I would urge you to contact Womens Aid as they can and will help you if you do want such help.

he didn’t think he was abusive but if I think so then he’s very sorry.

It is no good telling an abuser that he is abusive. And that is not an apology, is it? If you still want to persist in changing things, focus on specific behaviour.

Have you ever had a conversation about money? Say, when you gave up your job?

Does he see his income as 'family' money, or does he see it as 'his' money? If it's family money, then you should get a voice in what gets spent / saved, and you need half the cash, savings and pensions in your name.

If he balks at that, I'd want to know why. You gave up your career for the family unit, so his earnings should now be for the family unit.

If not, then you need to get back to work asap. He can use some of his huge salary to pay a cleaner and a nanny.

[quote classiestgal]@TinaTurnoff will you get a share of the assets from the divorce? Are you pushing ahead with that?[/quote]
I have applied for divorce but he is playing slow ball. The courts are all backed up so there has been no progress since last May. Very frustrating. I have no idea how the cards will fall. This state of uncertainty he is keeping me in is, of course, another form of financial control.