Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship???

[Imaybeinanabusiverelationship]

NC for this.
DH keeps control of all finances. Gives me a monthly ‘salary’ which is quite generous for food and daily expenses. Anything outside that I have to ask him for it and he usually says no. But that’s ok cause it’s probably only for crap like clothes that I have enough of. DH earns 6 figures but more in the higher end of 6 figures- for context. I had my own little corporate job earning about £45k so when we had children I gave it up to look after them. So I’ve lost my career and I suppose it hurts a bit that I have to ask him for £££ every time I need/ want anything. DH is a good father to DD and DS. A bit more in love with DD who is 5 then DS 3. DD has realised this and has started manipulating him quite a bit. For e.g. today she didn’t want to do her maths school work so started screaming and crying knowing well that he’d come to her rescue. He comes down and gives me a push on my shoulder and asks me to get out. This is the first time he’s done it but every time this has happened he’s gone straight to her and shouted at me. I’m beginning to feel he’s abusing me. My mother stayed in an abusive relationship or at least it seemed to me it was from where I was standing because like me she had nowhere to go. I don’t know if I am doing the same. I’m willing to accept that I’m overthinking this and it was only a little push. So please talk some sense into me. I’ve been crying the whole day and my head hurts! Also, other then these 2 things he’s a good husband.

@mumnowformerrockstar

He doesn't sound abusive at all but you do sound miserable in your marriage. Maybe you should consider marriage therapy.

He does sound abusive. OP starts with 'DH keeps control...' and it seems that he does.

@mumnowformerrockstar

He doesn't sound abusive at all but you do sound miserable in your marriage. Maybe you should consider marriage therapy.

Suuuure.. Pushing your DW and controlling all the finances isn’t abusive at all..

This and ‘1950s’ comments 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

It is your marital home, and the home of your children. You have a legal right to be there. If he asks you to leave, you can refuse.

You are not in the weak position that you think you are. In fact, if you were to get divorced, he'd probably be made to give you more money than he is now.

And yes, I think your relationship is abusive. It won't stop with pushing and shouting at you, you know.

Red. Flag.

@EKGEMS How exactly are my posts 'sexist and asinine'?

It isn't responsible to waste money on unncessary items. OP's partner may earn 6 figures but it's his money that he earns and he seems responsible with it and has even given OP a 'generous allowance'. OP clearly knew what they were getting themselves into when they decided to get into a relationship with him. And if the OP's partner went into the relationship believing that the OP agreed to this financial arrangement then it's unfair of the OP to demand money now. The OP doesn't sound like they're being neglected by their partner - financially they're getting their needs met. Why should OP be given control of finances when they have even admitted that they can be irresponsible with it by wanting to waste it on things they don't need. As for the hitting that was out of order and yes abusive.

It certainly does sound abusive!! I can't believe anyone would think this is OK, especially from someone earning that much! He shouldn't give you an allowance, you should have access to a joint account. Actually, ideally, he'd be paying for childcare and you'd be going back to work. It's not exactly like either of you couldn't afford it. I'm really sorry you've experienced this and perhaps growing up with a mother who'd been through similar the red flags are harder to spot. I hope you're able to find some real life support and legal advice. If I was you I'd leave for your sake and your children's.

I am really sorry that you are going through this and you don't have anyone to talk to about it. Please know that there is support out there and on mumsnet. Trust yourself and your instincts. What you describe sounds very controlling and I don't think this is about your insecurities. Controlling men want to make us believe that.

OK. You need to "take back control", as they say.

Have a look into your legal position. You'll find that it's better than you think it is.

Try and find out what he earns. Find out what he owns. Be sneaky about this. Because if it does come to divorce, he will try to hide as much as he can.

Start hiding some money away. Do you have your own bank account? How does he give you money?

He won't want you to have a job, I shouldn't think. You've got to be clever about this.

@1950s1
I really don’t want more then what he gives me. And like my OP I do understand that buying clothes I don’t need is unnecessary.

He is treating you like a child, and you obviously come below them in the pecking order.

@1950s1

OP's partner may earn 6 figures but it's his money that he earns and he seems responsible with it

They are married. Do you understand the financial implications of marriage?

[quote 1950s1]@EKGEMS How exactly are my posts 'sexist and asinine'?

It isn't responsible to waste money on unncessary items. OP's partner may earn 6 figures but it's his money that he earns and he seems responsible with it and has even given OP a 'generous allowance'. OP clearly knew what they were getting themselves into when they decided to get into a relationship with him. And if the OP's partner went into the relationship believing that the OP agreed to this financial arrangement then it's unfair of the OP to demand money now. The OP doesn't sound like they're being neglected by their partner - financially they're getting their needs met. Why should OP be given control of finances when they have even admitted that they can be irresponsible with it by wanting to waste it on things they don't need. As for the hitting that was out of order and yes abusive.[/quote]
It's money he earns for his family. If he wanted to keep all his money for himself but pay someone to clean, cook etc, then he should have stayed single and employed help. OP was also working in a well paid job before she left that to have their children.

[quote Eckhart]@1950s1

OP's partner may earn 6 figures but it's his money that he earns and he seems responsible with it

They are married. Do you understand the financial implications of marriage?[/quote]
I had overlooked that I thought they were just in a relationship

[quote 1950s1]@EKGEMS How exactly are my posts 'sexist and asinine'?

It isn't responsible to waste money on unncessary items. OP's partner may earn 6 figures but it's his money that he earns and he seems responsible with it and has even given OP a 'generous allowance'. OP clearly knew what they were getting themselves into when they decided to get into a relationship with him. And if the OP's partner went into the relationship believing that the OP agreed to this financial arrangement then it's unfair of the OP to demand money now. The OP doesn't sound like they're being neglected by their partner - financially they're getting their needs met. Why should OP be given control of finances when they have even admitted that they can be irresponsible with it by wanting to waste it on things they don't need. As for the hitting that was out of order and yes abusive.[/quote]
OP did not say she was irresponsible with money. She made a self-deprecating comment about spending money on clothes she probably didn't need. The fact that you refer to it as 'his money' reflects a very sexist and outdated view. They are married and have children. OP gave up her job to raise their children. Her job is of equal importance and value to whatever it is that he does. That are a family unit and they should both have equal access to the money coming in.

@HappierTimesAhead

OP didn't say it but they implied it by 'often' asking for things they didn't need

OP, you sound really ground down - you shouldn't need to go begging for some new clothes, only for your husband to refuse you

Read my earlier post, and start thinking longterm.

Wow some relationships are so messed up.

Basically you work for your husband and receive a very tiny salary for round the clock duties. You are afraid to broach the subject as you fear losing your children and home.

That is so messed up 😔

Can you email a professional advice /support service?

You are entitled to live without fear, you are entitled to be respected in your family and home.

Tbh I don't think your husband is going to morph into a good partner, I think you are going to have to do the legwork.

Be assured that thousands have gone before you and now enjoy freedom.

Be brave, be cautious with what you share with him, be wise with who you choose to trust.

I wouldn't want to give my partner access to my money if they proved they were irresponsible with it. I don't think that the OP should have access to his money, not because of their genders, but because of the irresponsibility.

@1950s1

I wouldn't want to give my partner access to my money if they proved they were irresponsible with it. I don't think that the OP should have access to his money, not because of their genders, but because of the irresponsibility.

Oh do bore off. OP has been made to think that she is "irresponsible with money", and controlling the money is his way of controlling her.

@1950s1

I wouldn't want to give my partner access to my money if they proved they were irresponsible with it. I don't think that the OP should have access to his money, not because of their genders, but because of the irresponsibility.

They are married. Do you understand the financial implications of marriage?

I had overlooked that they were married so I really did think that it was just his money

“It's money he earns for his family. If he wanted to keep all his money for himself but pay someone to clean, cook etc, then he should have stayed single and employed help. OP was also working in a well paid job before she left that to have their children.”

Exactly right.

OP - it’s unclear to me how anyone who has read the whole thread could conclude that your DH isn’t abusive.

And what are clothes you don’t need? You can’t go about naked. Who decides what you do and don’t need? And anyway, why can’t you have something you want as opposed to need? I have plenty of things I don’t technically need but I want them. After all, no-one needs a very smart house or holidays abroad but lots of people want them.

The ‘allowance/salary’ is a complete red herring. It’s not for you. It’s for the family.

I thought from your posts that you may be from outside the UK with very little local support - I’ve rarely heard a poster sound so insecure about their place in the family home and the family.

If he’s going to keep you short in this way, I think you need to go back to work. He can pay for childcare.

Don't put yourself down. A £45k job isn't easy to achieve and it's not a 'little corporate job'.

@Tubbyinthehottub
Now that I have been looking to go back to work I know how difficult it is to obtain a job that pays that kind of money. I worked hard to get there. But I was young then and with no responsibilities so a lot easier. At the moment I don’t even know where to start.

@Dery
Thank you for saying that’s normal. I just never wanted him to think I am a money grabber.