He Can’t Make Me Orgasm!

[zigzog44]

Hi,

I’m wondering if anyone could give me advice, or how to approach this. I’ve been with my partner for a long time now and he’s never once brought me to orgasm, he’s not skilled with his fingers or tongue. He’s acknowledged the fact he can’t pleasure me, like I can pleasure myself but I can’t understand why he hasn’t tried and gone out of his way to try and learn how to do this, there’s plenty of pointers online (I’ve tried to show/guide him to no avail.) I have for many years accepted this but I am slowly going off sex because I know I won’t orgasm during sex and i feel deflated. I bring him to orgasm through oral/hand/sex and it feels like I’ve always missed out. How can I approach this with him? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life never experiencing an orgasm with him. I don’t want to leave him!

I hear you, you don't want to use a vibrator with him. The only way forward is to be really explicit in what you want him to do-but realistically, when you have to do that, it might take away from it as well (who wants to give an anatomy lesson in the middle of sex?!)
Only you know how open he will be to improving himself and trying new things. We could suggest books, websites, classes, toys, sex games, stopping penetrative sex for a while to focus on foreplay, techniques he could try, positions and probably a whole load more, but the bottom line is-if he simply WILL NOT try, it is a lost cause. He cannot be forced. If that is genuinely the case, I really feel for you. But there is then only one answer, really.

@DoolittlePixie - Thanks for sharing your situation with me too. Would you be willing to explore external help like sex counselling? Assuming he would be willing to do this.

OP, is he selfish in other ways? Is he tight with money? Begrudging of his time or thoughtless with birthday presents? Always doing/arranging things that only he likes?

What I mean is, is it just sex where he can't be bothered with anything except hinself?

Reading this thread with interest as I'm in an almost reverse situation. I've never been able to make my DH orgasm by hand or oral despite him showing me what he likes and how to do it. I try my best but it just doesn't work and became an elephant in the room.

Yes he would have an orgasm through PIV, but only with him moving, never through my efforts, so it always felt like he was in effect giving himself an orgasm, not via me.

Our sex life dwindled to now nothing and he's simply given up with me sexually. If I ask for sex, he'll participate but it's out of pity rather than lust and now he doesn't orgasm at all, but just goes through the motions, so I've given up too - we've not had sex for several months now.

@Haffiana - Nope not at all! It’s only the sex part that’s the issue.

@MrsTombliboo - But you’ve tried your best.
My partner hasn’t tried his best. He didn’t always touch me in that area before sex and if he did, it wasn’t for long at all. I talked to him about this, his response was he couldn’t please me in the way I could and it has tailed of now. I think in his case he has little experience and understanding of this area of sex and is now lacking in confidence, so it was easier for him to leave it to me.

[quote zigzog44]@DoolittlePixie - Thanks for sharing your situation with me too. Would you be willing to explore external help like sex counselling? Assuming he would be willing to do this.[/quote]
Yes, absolutely and I think that is the next step for us. I doubt he knows that I am even at that stage of desperation, but I do know he loves me enough to have a go at something like counselling to see if that can help. It will be very weird I think, to talk about such personal matters with a stranger, but I feel that this is what it is going to take.

We are in our forties and both fit and healthy; and I want the adventurous, fun, mutually satisfying sex life I've always wanted - and if something doesn't happen soon, I can't see it ever happening.
There is absolutely no way I would ever leave him just for this, I will just get myself off and accept he gets his when we have sex.
The boyfriend before my husband was brilliant in bed, always made me come - but he turned out to be a complete arsehole. I would rather have zero satisfaction and an amazing husband than a shit partner whose only asset was to make me come.

Have you come to any conclusions as to what you're going to do?

He is lazy and selfish, there are no excuses.

In your situation I think I would loose the ability to bring him to orgasm and see how it makes him feel.

It actually makes me a little cross the more I think about it, it’s so selfish, he’s happy for you to do the work to get him off but can’t be asked to make a little effort to do the same for you.
I wouldn’t be making any effort to pleasure him until things changed drastically.

He’s selfish OP. Why would he bother learning if he’s getting his needs met anyway. I’d end it.

@DoolittlePixie - Yes I think if after we’ve spoken things don’t change then I will look into seeing a sex counsellor (but that would only work, if he was prepared to want to.) If things really don’t work I really don’t know, maybe I’ll have to invest more time in self-play and satisfy myself that way but I don’t know if this would work long-term and what affect it potentially could have on our relationship.