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Original poster

He Can’t Make Me Orgasm!

110 replies

zigzog44 · 15/01/2021 11:40

Hi,

I’m wondering if anyone could give me advice, or how to approach this. I’ve been with my partner for a long time now and he’s never once brought me to orgasm, he’s not skilled with his fingers or tongue. He’s acknowledged the fact he can’t pleasure me, like I can pleasure myself but I can’t understand why he hasn’t tried and gone out of his way to try and learn how to do this, there’s plenty of pointers online (I’ve tried to show/guide him to no avail.) I have for many years accepted this but I am slowly going off sex because I know I won’t orgasm during sex and i feel deflated. I bring him to orgasm through oral/hand/sex and it feels like I’ve always missed out. How can I approach this with him? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life never experiencing an orgasm with him. I don’t want to leave him!

OP posts:
Elwynne · 15/01/2021 16:58

Take him to the point of orgasm and then stop. Do this a few times and each time explain that's how it feels for you. Ask him if he likes it. Then tell him you love him but you won't have penetrative sex with him from now on until you've cum first. If he agrees to this you have to be very honest with what he needs to do, give him lots of encouragement when it is going well and touch yourself as well. Good luck op

HighSpecWhistle · 15/01/2021 17:04

It doesn't sound like he thinks it's a big issue.

If you don't want to break up, then I think you'll have to be brutally honest with him. Either he learns (and you can show/guide him), or it's over.

No one should be having to have years of sex with no orgasms. I wouldn't bother if that was me anyway!

knittingaddict · 15/01/2021 17:24

@Ren1975

Oh dear OP. We seem to have a far larger problem here.

It's not his bedrooms issues. It's your lack of tolerance. And just the old, kind, human decency.

Your partner is not your toy.

There I said it. I spelled it out.

This is you on another thread:

I am a BDSM and kink writer and educator.

Anything useful to add to this thread, since you're an expert or is being nastily cryptic a method you use often?

CloseSchoolsProtecttheNHS · 15/01/2021 17:26

Take him to the point of orgasm and then stop. Do this a few times and each time explain that's how it feels for you. Ask him if he likes it.

Something a bit abusive about teaching someone a lesson through sex. Don't do this. Just bloody talk to him and tell him how you feel.

FFS.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 15/01/2021 17:36

He is lazy and doesn't care that you aren't getting off. He doesn't care partly because he is getting his so I would stop that straight away.

However the fact that he has been happy to keep getting his while you don't is hurtful and likely to simmer under the surface.

Female orgasms aren't that complicated and this is used as an excuse for men to not bother. A complete turn off.

I really would agree with the person above. Every time he suggests sex say 'oh I would rather not, it is just so frustrating when you don't make me orgasm like I do for you' and see what happens.

I have been in both type of relationships. One where to be honest my partner just used me as someone to wank into and then, currently, my partner who makes me orgasm before him every time, often twice ;-)

Ren1975 · 15/01/2021 17:41

@knittingaddict

OK KAREN! I'm sorry I've upset you to the point you've had to check my profile!!!!

I'm not heing nastily cryptic at all. Indeed, I'm just spelling out the obvious.

You're not a sock of the OP by any chance are you?

Ren1975 · 15/01/2021 17:44

@CloseSchoolsProtecttheNHS

I agree with you. If something is wrong in the bedroom, then first talk.

If it resolves nothing the way is clear. I've lived that life. In the end, no negotiations worked. I put my money whete ny mouth was and left him.

Mind you, hed being raping and sexually assaulting me for years.

category12 · 15/01/2021 17:46

@Ren1975

Perhaps you should expand on why OP wanting her partner to make an effort in bed rather than rely on using toys makes her intolerant, lacking in human decency and trying to make him a toy. because while your reasoning may make sense to you, it's definitely coming off as cryptic to those outside your head.

wishfuldreamer · 15/01/2021 17:53

i don't think there's anything wrong with using a vibrator...i don't think it's a cop out for him, or 'cheating'. i mean, it does depend, i guess - but i need quite a lot of pressure to come, i'm not super sensitive. my partner loves to go down on me, but can't really give the pressure i need for long enough (he gets tongue cramp). it works sometimes, sometimes it doesn't...and neither of us particularly think this is a problem. i'll use a vibe during penetration, or after - or some times he'll use it on me, because he enjoys making me come. i don't really mind the method through which I get there...

wishfuldreamer · 15/01/2021 17:56

sorry - i should add...the problem is more if he just doesn't think there's a problem, and that nothing needs to change. you should both want to enjoy giving each other pleasure - sex shouldn't be about just doing it for the other person (well...unless you're v submissive, and that gives you pleasure, but anyway...). if you're asking him to do things that he just has no interesting in trying or learning, that's a problem...

Ren1975 · 15/01/2021 17:58

If you love one another, you will find a way through this. If it's not meant to be, it will end.

I'm sorry to be as brutal as that.

Ren1975 · 15/01/2021 17:59

And I agree with @wishfuldreamer

bitheby · 15/01/2021 18:13

Ren, the way you write, it sounds like two people lying next to each other masturbating would be a satisfying sexual experience. I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation that in a mutually enjoyable encounter, each partner is able to bring the other to orgasm.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 15/01/2021 18:17

@bitheby

Ren, the way you write, it sounds like two people lying next to each other masturbating would be a satisfying sexual experience. I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation that in a mutually enjoyable encounter, each partner is able to bring the other to orgasm.
Exactly this. Getting yourself off during sex can be great but having to get yourself off every time because your partner 'can't' can be absolutely soul destroying.
JazzyGeoff · 15/01/2021 18:25

[quote Ren1975]@knittingaddict

OK KAREN! I'm sorry I've upset you to the point you've had to check my profile!!!!

I'm not heing nastily cryptic at all. Indeed, I'm just spelling out the obvious.

You're not a sock of the OP by any chance are you?[/quote]
Using 'Karen' as put down makes you look ageist, misogynistic and unimaginative.

Blathering shite because you realise you don't have an actual point just makes you look a bit thick.

knittingaddict · 15/01/2021 18:32

[quote Ren1975]@knittingaddict

OK KAREN! I'm sorry I've upset you to the point you've had to check my profile!!!!

I'm not heing nastily cryptic at all. Indeed, I'm just spelling out the obvious.

You're not a sock of the OP by any chance are you?[/quote]
I'm not upset. Why would I be. I am curious though.

Sock puppet. Seriously? Grin

YoniAndGuy · 15/01/2021 18:50

I am a BDSM and kink writer and educator.

... and massive bellend.

Motnight · 15/01/2021 18:51

Op he doesn't care. It's a simple as that. What is the rest of your relationship like?

Palavah · 15/01/2021 19:00

@josuk I couldn't disagree more.

I think you are being a bit unfair on your partner if he did indeed tried things you suggested and they didn’t work. I don’t necessarily think it’s a matter of ‘skills’.
And it’s unlikely that pointers off the Internet would somehow change anything

Any other skill we want to pick up we learn, we watch videos, we read, we try different techniques and we get feedback. Of course this is about skills. But sadly it's also about inclination.

OP you've tried to show him, you make an effort to please him, you know yoir own body by the sound of things and you have tried to discuss it with him but he's no longer making the effort.

It's true that women can develop a death grip effect too - only able to come one way - and our orgasms are more in our head, but the main problem here is he doesn't seem to think it's important to try.

A male friend swears by the book "She comes first" and a female friend by "OMGYes". I suggest a frank conversation with your partner about whether he is serious about your relationship, a pointer these two resources and an ultimatum to make an effort or make tracks.

Mummabearofthree · 15/01/2021 19:15

Well I’d suggest no sex until he pleases you first. If you’re not comfortable with that then you could also get a bullet vibrator/vibrator wand (honestly the best orgasm for me comes from using these) and use them during sex, in fact him seeing you orgasm might encourage him to try harder.

Mummabearofthree · 15/01/2021 19:17

[quote Palavah]@josuk I couldn't disagree more.

I think you are being a bit unfair on your partner if he did indeed tried things you suggested and they didn’t work. I don’t necessarily think it’s a matter of ‘skills’.
And it’s unlikely that pointers off the Internet would somehow change anything

Any other skill we want to pick up we learn, we watch videos, we read, we try different techniques and we get feedback. Of course this is about skills. But sadly it's also about inclination.

OP you've tried to show him, you make an effort to please him, you know yoir own body by the sound of things and you have tried to discuss it with him but he's no longer making the effort.

It's true that women can develop a death grip effect too - only able to come one way - and our orgasms are more in our head, but the main problem here is he doesn't seem to think it's important to try.

A male friend swears by the book "She comes first" and a female friend by "OMGYes". I suggest a frank conversation with your partner about whether he is serious about your relationship, a pointer these two resources and an ultimatum to make an effort or make tracks.[/quote]
Josuk quote frequently comments on these sorts of posts and always seems to take the mans side when he’s wrong. I’ve often wondered if there is indeed a male behind the screen.

pureeeerup · 15/01/2021 19:18

Do you think he might secretly like cock up the bum?

Josuk · 15/01/2021 19:35

@Mummabearofthree
Lol, as usual....

Or maybe, just maybe I have a perspective different from you?
Maybe I am also a woman who has hard time coming from sex with men, and even when they try and try different things - in the end I mostly need to help myself get there.
Maybe this is why I think women are responsible for their own orgasms and it’s not on a man. Provided he is trying.

OP’s partner seems to have lost confidence and that isn’t easy to fix.

My partner - tried all kinds it ways - and is really ‘skilled’ in the way OP’s thinks men can learn skills. But the issue is in my head and there isn’t much he can do, so it does upset and demotivate him a bit.

lavenderlou · 15/01/2021 19:38

It does all sound like hard work. Would professional counselling be an option?

Christmasfairy2020 · 15/01/2021 19:41

You have to much on your mind to do the big o. You need no thoughts

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