He Can’t Make Me Orgasm!

[zigzog44]

Hi,

I’m wondering if anyone could give me advice, or how to approach this. I’ve been with my partner for a long time now and he’s never once brought me to orgasm, he’s not skilled with his fingers or tongue. He’s acknowledged the fact he can’t pleasure me, like I can pleasure myself but I can’t understand why he hasn’t tried and gone out of his way to try and learn how to do this, there’s plenty of pointers online (I’ve tried to show/guide him to no avail.) I have for many years accepted this but I am slowly going off sex because I know I won’t orgasm during sex and i feel deflated. I bring him to orgasm through oral/hand/sex and it feels like I’ve always missed out. How can I approach this with him? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life never experiencing an orgasm with him. I don’t want to leave him!

@Josuk - I have to disagree with you, I don’t feel it’s entirely down to a female to be responsible for their own orgasm every time. You’re assuming I’m hard to please but I have pointed out in my post that I’m not and in my previous relationship it wasn’t a problem. I have also said I’ve shown him how to touch me and he’s taken the opinion he can’t bring me to orgasm, so he’s basically given up. I understand this is a knock to his confidence but he’s given up on his efforts to pleasure me. I was looking for ways to approach this again, without being hostile because quite frankly, I don’t want to spend the next 10 years like this.

Tell him you won't get him off again until he has got you off. If he doesn't step up then dump him.

@Palavah - Thanks for those suggestions, I will have a look!

@Ren1975 - I don’t know what you was trying to achieve with your posts because I took very little from them, we both clearly have different views on how a healthy sex life should be and your judgemental comments insinuating that I’m unkind and intolerable, were uncalled for.

You come first. That's it. So the lazy fucker needs to develop some skills if he wants an orgasm with you again.

As with all things in life, unable to learn and unwilling to learn are 2 very different things. This sounds like a case of him not being bothered.

I have been criticised on MN in the past and called names because I’ve said l would not have sex with someone who would not go down on me. I’d establish that before crossing the boudoir threshold. But l really think if you are going to share your body with someone, you can and should apply the rules. If they don’t want to go with those rules, then they can go elsewhere.

Sex should be about chemistry and passion. The passion thing is not on his agenda. You are the captain of your ship and should be giving commands from the bridge, it sounds as if you are but as he’s getting all he wants, why bother.

In other circumstances l would suggest some oral only sessions which totally focus on you. I would also suggest him holding you while you bring yourself to orgasm, prior to his entry.

But if he is just not bothered, l’m going to get shot down in flames for this, l would consider sharing my body elsewhere. Life is too short to entertain selfish sex.

I wouldn't completely write off the vibrator idea, OP. He has to start somewhere and although his approach does sound extremely lazy, he could lack confidence too because he has never got you there. Buy a decent vibrator. If he is too lazy to try that as well, at least you have a new toy!
Agree with PPs that it needs to stop being a one way street for him to receive.

When it comes to a vibey, never let a man drive 😂.

OP - I am in exactly the same boat as you and I am reading the answers with great interest. I have a brilliant marriage aside from this massive issue. He has never made me come once in the 17 years we have been together. It shouldn't be this way and I don't know how to change it. He is the most loving, caring, devoted husband and father I could ever have dreamt of marrying, but has no idea (despite me finally talking about it to him 2 years ago) how to make me come. I so envy woman who's partners can do this, I really do. He's not lazy, I think it is a lack of confidence.

@DoolittlePixie - You are describing exactly my situation, he is loving and caring in many ways. Although we’ve had our ups and downs.
How did you approach this two years ago with your DH and how did he react?
Did you take any further steps than discussing it? Like sex counselling etc.
The problem is he doesn’t even try much anymore, since he knows he can’t bring me to orgasm, we’ve hit a wall in many ways.

OP - unfortunately I don’t think there is much hope for your relationship the way you are talking about it. It sounds like there is a lot of resentment on your side and I don’t think it’s only about sex.
Thing is - it’s great when sex between the couple works well, there is matching libido level, and people communicate openly and fit on a physical level. It happens for many.
Then there are couples where things don’t match on some levels. And some of that can be fixed with effort on both sides, and some can’t be.

In your situation - your resentment seems to now have reached the level that can’t really be fixed, in my opinion. You made your orgasm into some sort of a battle. In your mind - he needs to prove his worth to you by doing something he isn’t doing in your mind.

Of course - it’s a vicious cycle by now. Given the state you are in mentally - there is nothing he can do at this point that would make you orgasm. (Maybe a vibrator on the highest setting but that is just physical sensation). For a woman - mental and physical do need to come together in order to get there - and your head is full of anger and disappointment, and so it’s unlikely to happen.
I do feel sorry for him in a way. Maybe he is lazy as you say. Maybe he is also just not very confident and this has made him even less so.

What do you want from this relationship really? You can just breakup and find someone you are more compatible with.
Or, if you want to stay in this relationship - some sort of addressing your broader relationship issues you mentioned (‘the wall you have hit in many ways’) needs to happen. Or the two of you will live in increasing misery

Wow @Josuk way to go completely blaming the OP. This poor man who has been set such a massive challenge and how sorry for him we should feel.

He is a lazy man who has been happy getting his while the OP remains unsatisfied. This is not her fault. There isn't anything wrong with her.

@josuk you are correct that it sounds as though the relationship might be in trouble, but that's because OP's partner isn't interested in trying to please her sexually.

You sound obsessed with OP having a mental block around orgasm when there's no evidence to suggest this is the case. Are you projecting?

The OP has already stated she has no problem in achieving orgasm per se, so it’s not right to put the blame at her door. It’s about his refusal to press the right buttons.

@zigzog44 - Firstly it took me a really long time to work out what to say and how to broach the subject, and when I say a long time, I mean years and years.

I'd recently had my 40th birthday and I was like "fuck it", I'm 40 years old and my husband hasn't ever made me come, if I don't say it now, I am going to be lying on my deathbed when I'm 90 and regretting never saying anything. I considered the approach of stopping mid-sex as a PP suggested and saying "This is how it feels all the time for me. Having a nice time and then wham, it stops because the other person has decided it's over", but I honestly didn't have the guts to do that. In the end it happened quite naturally as I often silently cry myself to sleep after having sex, but this time he heard me crying and obviously didn't have a clue why I was crying. I told him that I loved him, but it was frustrating, upsetting and pointless to me. That certainly gave him a shock as he had no idea, we talked for hours and talked in the days afterwards. He did try many times afterwards to implement changes and new things, but it was all useless. I tried too. We both did.
I now avoid sex all the time, I think he thinks I am just tired, and I am asleep when he comes up to bed, but really I just don't want to put myself through it as I am feeling that resentment others have mentioned. I don't want to resent him, he is amazing in every other part of our life together, I just find sex too upsetting.

Sorry, I have hijacked your thread...

This has nothing to do with victim blaming, and there isn’t a victim anyway.
All I am saying that if the bedroom becomes a battleground - where one partner seems to need to prove something to the other - there is not much hope for the relationship.
And all the advice on here to escalate the battle - make him an ultimatum, etc - would make it even worse.

Sex incompatibilities can be worked on, but not in a combative situation. OP is way past that it seems.
She isn’t open to trying different ways - use of toys by him is somehow unacceptable to her as this is apparently a proof that he is failing her.

OP’s partner can’t win in this situation. Even if he did try to do what she has in her head - he will fail. He tried before and failed. Now with all of the resentments on her side - he’ll fail again.

Does any of you think that at this point - he can actually make her orgasm, if he does some magical move? With the way she feels about him? There isn’t a mental block on her side - there is a lot of resentment. It’s pulpable.

Yes - OP did say that she had orgasmed with other partners through sex. Maybe she still can with another partner. It is also possible that something has changed in her - as we know nothing about her age, how long ago those other partners were, or if she had children.
Personally for me, for eg - my orgasms changed over the years. They were only clitoral in the younger years. With age and after kids it changed. Also stimulation of how to get there changed.

Whatever it is - there is, sadly, no magical solution here.

Sorry you are in this situation OP.

I think you have to say to him that this has obviously been going on for a while, but that you are really going off sex now so the time has come to do something about it.

Do some reading around the subject but as a baseline take it in turns - it removes the pressure fir you both to be into it at the same time if one session is mostly about you, the next mostly about him. As he builds his skill set you can bring it together.

@Josuk Utter rubbish. You are still blaming the OP. That maybe she couldn't orgasm with anyone now considering how old she may be or how many children she may.

Why are you making excuses for a man you don't even know? He has stopped bothering. He doesn't care. Again this is not a fault with the OP. In fact her only fault is letting it go on for so long with her giving him pleasure and not the other way round.

She doesn't want him to use a vibrator because she wants him to make her orgasm. To show her she is worth the effort. And yes it would be an effort now because he has let it go on for so long. He has shown how little he cares about her satisfaction.

If my partner stopped making me tea at all because it was too difficult to get it right I wouldn't continue to make him tea every time.

If my partner didn't make me any food at all because it was too difficult to make something I liked I wouldn't make him food all the time.

And, having learnt what is important to me, if my partner didn't get me off at all because it was too difficult and he couldn't be bothered hell would freeze over before I got him off ever again.

@Josuk - You feel sorry for my husband because he’s had years of pleasure and I haven’t?
You’re now diagnosing me as having a mental block, so suggesting I wouldn’t orgasm with the right stimulation anyway?
You’re also suggesting I need a vibrator on the highest setting? Again, insinuating I’m hard to please.
So you’re basically blaming me because I want pleasure to be equal in our sex life, is that really hard to understand?

Yes I know it may be affecting his confidence but to not be willing to work with me in order for me to achieve an orgasm with him, he’d rather take the view it’s not going to ever happen.
However, I realise I haven’t been direct enough or communicated enough about this, so I also accept I’m at fault too.

I am also allowed to not want to use a vibrator to reach climax, it shouldn’t replace the foreplay I’ve previously enjoyed in previous relationships.

You say it’s the end of things but there’s clearly a reason why sex counsellors exist and it’s an avenue I am willing to explore.

You are not wrong @zigzog44

You deserve to have someone who wants to be fair in the bedroom. Don't lose sight of that.

Of course your H weds to care about your pleasure. And try. No one is disputing it.
And of course you can try to resolve your issues if you want to - and sexual counsellors for exist for a reason.

And - if you go that way - you both would need to try something different to what you are used to.
He’ll have to try to put in more effort.
But you too would need to try to step out of your very fixed mindset that only thing you need and must get is a very specific one type of stimulation that must be exactly how it plays out in your head. Any counsellor would tell you too try and experiment with different stimulations, foreplay, and toys.
Equally, any counsellor would tell you not make the bed a battleground, or a place where one partner is on trial.

If you are prepared for that - then counselling may help. But if you think you as a couple need counselling to fix him - it will fail.

I don’t know you or your H. I do not know what went on in the past, or what your previous experiences were.
I do know that in any relationship, once one person becomes a constant ‘failure’ at something in the eyes of the other partner - it’s a sad place to be. As it’s very difficult to be on trial every time and almost impossible to get out of that place.

I* don’t know you or your H. I do not know what went on in the past, or what your previous experiences were.
I do know that in any relationship, once one person becomes a constant ‘failure’ at something in the eyes of the other partner - it’s a sad place to be. As it’s very difficult to be on trial every time and almost impossible to get out of that place.*

They should be fine with this then because the DH isn't a constant failure. He isn't even trying. I expect he doesn't actually feel on trial every time they have sex because he doesn't bother with the OP - he just gets his satisfaction and moves on.

Yes the OP should change what she is doing too. I suggest she stops pleasuring her selfish dh.

@kalashnikold the OP doesn't need a blow (!) by blow account of how she could orgasm so I don't really see why you felt the need to write one! She has tried to show him before.

You say 'he will definitely get it' - he won't because he gave up trying. Too hard apparently. And why would he continue to try? He still gets his without doing anything for her. A decent man would work out that making you partner orgasm is a lovely event but he is not a decent man.

To your second point - the OP probably isn't as sexually attracted to him now because she has lived with this for so long. As I said before it is soul destroying.

@Josuk - I don’t have a specific type of stimulation that plays out in my head, I don’t get stimulation via my husband.
I never ruled out using a vibrator, I simply said I don’t want to use a vibrator to replace what he doesn’t do.
I don’t think many sex counsellors would suggest to start using a vibrator to replace foreplay, they would work on techniques and also educate my partner to a degree.
He has never tried enough to fail.
It’s a bit like a hobby, you start of not very good, then with practice you get better, apart from he’s just given up.