Can someone please help me?

[opentehgardengate]

Husband has left temporarily. I've been seeking help and been advised he's a narcissist. He completely is from what I've read. Scarily so. Abusive for 30 years.

In a mess. Don't want to go on. Every second is pain. Not because he's gone but because I'm broken and because of the pain and bad feeling he's caused in the house for years.

I can't split with him long term. No money and other reasons.

I don't want to be here. Can't kill myself as I have children.

No one cares. Literally no one. Maybe it's me. Probably is. I wish I could go and I can't. I've told a family member how desperate I feel and they didn't check on me today. It was a massive thing for me to speak out but they don't really care so now I think I shouldn't have done that. Ive fallen out with all my other family because I spoke out about things - it's years of extreme stuff that I can't put on here but beatings, violence etc

No one cares. I've phoned Samaritans twice today and that's what it's come to. The pain is unbearable.

[Onthedunes]

HI open.

I'm here, would you want to say what he has done for him to leave, maybe we could advise a little better on what we think.
You are clearly becoming more exhausted by this, and its been a cycle you have been used to.
He shows tiny bits of affection, then withdraws, as the years go by the length between nice decreses and the abuse/nastiness increases.
It is though they are actively trying to destroy you.

Any improvement you show will have him upping the anti on controlling you. He will not let you thrive.
You end up yearning for your 'normal' just to stop hurting and feeling pain, but if it does go back to normal it is temporary.
It's a living hell, I can hear your pain.

What have you challenged him on, to cause this punishment he is dishing out by leaving.?



You need a clearer mind and need to understand him, you can't change him, you can only change yourself and how you respond.
He is'nt a person you know that, whatever he presents to the outside world, your world is your truth,

[Onthedunes]

pressed too soon...

could you try to explain so we could unravel your feelings, sometimes talking about actions can be easier to explain than just feelings.

x

[opentehgardengate]

It's hard when people who are meant to care about you, don't. Well not how they should that's for sure. Parents and close family. I think things are too much effort for them. I know they are. It's always been like this. I could just never imagine being like that, especially to my children but also parents and siblings.

And then I start thinking I expect too much. But I know I don't. That's the childhood abuse trying to get a grip on me and I start blaming myself.

Have been diagnosed with an illness yesterday which is really hindering me and has been brought on by the stress of this situation. I expected more than a text late in the evening from my mother to see what happened and then an 'oh dear well have a nice evening' type of response. I don't know, maybe she doesn't know how to nurture. I don't believe that though. I think nurturing and caring requires effort and inconvenience.

I'm not as self pitying as I sound. I'm really not. Just broken and feeling so let down and alone.

Dysfunctional shit all around me.

Sorry I've not answered questions from last night and again sorry this is ranty. It's the only outlet I have to stop me completely tipping over.

[Letsskidaddle]

Hi OP, hope you're ok today. I've read all your posts and just want to say "you CAN do this". You've put up with and navigated a way through all his shit for a long time. Finding a path through will be easier. You need to take things one day at a time. Trying to solve everything right now will feel insurmountable.

Just one day and one step at a time. One task at a time. I've been in a very similar place and 'one day at a time' kept me sane and gave me the strength to keep going. Some days the one task was simply getting up and dressed, or eating/feeding the kids.

You CAN do this. He has made you believe you can't because it suited him.

Universal credit will help, contact the council to get a single person reduction in council tax and just worry about today. You may well sink if you try and think too far forward so just keep going for today, then tomorrow, keep going for that day and so on.

You CAN do it, you WILL do it.

[Onthedunes]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this, when your primary relationship gives no relief only pain it makes you quite reasonably turn to family to help.

By your description you know this support from your family is lacking therefor compounding your view that you are unloved and unlovable.

You are worthy of love, your partner has conditioned you not to expect or deserve love. You are totally on track with his conditioning of you.

I noticed you didn't mention your partner in your last post, has he returned? I think what helped me was a realisation that I was capable of loving myself, that was the most important thing, if you can learn to do that, you will not have to rely on the scraps of affection others show you, whether that be your family or partner.

I'm sorry about your diagnosis and hope your health improves.
Remember nothing stays the same, but change doesn't always have to mean things getting worse.
You can get stronger.

[opentehgardengate]

Thank you both of you. Very hard couple of days but it's okay.

No, he's not back, horrible little rat that he is. Have felt very desperate that he's behaved appallingly for years and is now trying to take the higher ground and portray me in a bad light. Narcissistic through and through. Text book.

His worse fear is being 'found out' and exposed for who he really is. I so wish I could do that.

[opentehgardengate]

And no contact from family which makes it harder and makes me feel negative. Bloody mess.

[Itstimetoquit]

How are you op x

[opentehgardengate]

Hi itstimetoquit

Thanks for checking on me. Not good I'm afraid to say. I don't understand how another adult, another human being can act that disgustingly.

The selfishness has really astounded me. You think you know someone. 30 years approximately.

[Itstimetoquit]

@opentehgardengate, I'm in same position,my ex was the love of my life,over the last 3 years he's turned into a monster,I'm having sad days and good days but I know I could never take him back. I'm starting to think I didn't know him at all. How are you today x