Can someone please help me?

[opentehgardengate]

Husband has left temporarily. I've been seeking help and been advised he's a narcissist. He completely is from what I've read. Scarily so. Abusive for 30 years.

In a mess. Don't want to go on. Every second is pain. Not because he's gone but because I'm broken and because of the pain and bad feeling he's caused in the house for years.

I can't split with him long term. No money and other reasons.

I don't want to be here. Can't kill myself as I have children.

No one cares. Literally no one. Maybe it's me. Probably is. I wish I could go and I can't. I've told a family member how desperate I feel and they didn't check on me today. It was a massive thing for me to speak out but they don't really care so now I think I shouldn't have done that. Ive fallen out with all my other family because I spoke out about things - it's years of extreme stuff that I can't put on here but beatings, violence etc

No one cares. I've phoned Samaritans twice today and that's what it's come to. The pain is unbearable.

[opentehgardengate]

Thank you yellow. Really struggling. Wish someone could come and look after me, just for a couple of days to give me breathing space

[opentehgardengate]

No he's not home. No friends unfortunately. One sibling who has been really supportive but I can't keep bothering them.

[yellowperil40]

@opentehgardengate

You aren't a weak failure please don't think that

Years of being made to not feel good about yourself is why you think this.

Have you been onto the relationships threads where there are some long running threads about women leaving narcissistic husbands?

Try and have a read of them. You will see it's not you but how they work

[yellowperil40]

@opentehgardengate

So has he moved out?

Take one step at a time op.

Are you on any anti anxiety meds?

Have you looked online to see if you would be entitled to any benefits to help you?

[opentehgardengate]

Thanks yellow. I have before. I'll look again. It really is torture, such abusive cruelty. Has made me feel mad and you can't explain it to people. Well I can't. He's totally destroyed me

[opentehgardengate]

He's left/moved out.

I have anxiety medication but they make me sleep and I can't do that during the day.

I'm going to apply for Universal Credit tomorrow. Feel like I'm watching someone else's life.

[opentehgardengate]

I think I'm taking a step forward then it all comes crashing down. I've never felt this desperate in my life. It's so cruel. Utterly heartless

I spoke to him today. That set me back. Pompous and sanctimonious. I mustn't talk to him.

[opentehgardengate]

He's text book narcissistic. Hate labels but when I read up on it, it gave me goose bumps. 100% describes his behaviour and personality

[opentehgardengate]

My house is an absolute mess. Every surface covered in rubbish, plates etc. No clean crockery or anything. I just can't do it. I'm trying.

Sorry to ramble.

[yellowperil40]

@opentehgardengate try not to speak to him for a while so you can gather your thoughts abit.

Are you devastated he's left or is it that your so angry at him for how he's made you feel?

If you apply for universal credit you can get an advance payment which will help you in the immediate future before your first payment comes through.

What about a list of practicalities?
It may give you something to focus on

When everything feels so overwhelming it's hard to know where to start I get it totally.

The anti anxiety meds I take don't make me drowsy luckily
Have you spoken to your gp at all since he's left?

[opentehgardengate]

I'm angry that his persistent disgusting selfishness has caused this situation. Dysfunction and upset for my children. And he really couldn't care less. Nothing touches him.

Thank you for the advice re finances and GP. Will aim to tackle that, or at least one of them tomorrow .

[yellowperil40]

@opentehgardengate
Don't apologise for rambling.

This site is full of amazing women just like us so rambling is absolutely normal and expected.

When I'm totally overwhelmed and don't know where to start I sit and make a list of practical things to be done and then put them in order of importance.

Then I pick three things off the list at a time and mark them off as I go.

It really helps me to focus my mind

[opentehgardengate]

Thank yellow. I definitely need to tidy tomorrow and will try to do UC application.

[yellowperil40]

I totally get how your feeling op

So gp and universal credit are the first two for tomorrow.

What else do you have in mind that you are to organise/sort etc?

[opentehgardengate]

Need someone to come and look after me. Pathetic really but it's how it is.

[opentehgardengate]

I won't be able to do anything else tomorrow, as cooking etc will need doing.

Can't think beyond tomorrow but I'll be happy if I get those things done.

I don't understand how people can be so evil. It is evil. Cruel and evil.

[yellowperil40]

@opentehgardengate

Be kind to yourself op

Cut yourself some slack. Your whole worlds just completely changed.

Your going to feel all over the place for a little while

[yellowperil40]

@opentehgardengate

Take one hour at a time,one job at a time or one day at a time whichever is easier for you op

Don't think any further ahead or back,try to focus on what you have on your list and make sure to be kind to yourself in between.

[opentehgardengate]

And he has control of all the finances. What an idiot I am, I've read on here about having financial independence and subconsciously thought 'no. no that won't happen to me' what a fool.

[yellowperil40]

@opentehgardengate

Do you have access to bank accounts to see what goes in and what goes out?

Has he taken any paperwork with him?

[opentehgardengate]

Thank you yellow, I'll try. I've got to do those things.

I want him to suffer and he's not. He's walked off with no responsibilities, financial control and a heart of stone. Doesn't seem fair, sorry if I sound 5 years old.

[opentehgardengate]

No access. I'm a complete and utter idiot. An absolute fool.

[opentehgardengate]

Too trusting but that's no excuse. I haven't protected my children and that's my fault. How stupid I've been. I never thought he'd behave this badly though, but then I suppose people never do.

[yellowperil40]

@opentehgardengate

Don't think about what he's walked away with or without for now.

You will look back once you've got your head straight and thank him for leaving op

When your feeling stronger and more secure with finances and universal credit is in place Youl be able to think straighter.

Use your anger to help you.

Do you have your own bank account that you use so your benefits can be paid into it?

[yellowperil40]

@opentehgardengate

You haven't let your dc down op,he has.

Your the one there with them.
You haven't left them and you will work it all out

Now is your opportunity to build a new life for the and your dc where your happy and in control op.

Baby steps but Youl get there