Can someone please help me?

[opentehgardengate]

Husband has left temporarily. I've been seeking help and been advised he's a narcissist. He completely is from what I've read. Scarily so. Abusive for 30 years.

In a mess. Don't want to go on. Every second is pain. Not because he's gone but because I'm broken and because of the pain and bad feeling he's caused in the house for years.

I can't split with him long term. No money and other reasons.

I don't want to be here. Can't kill myself as I have children.

No one cares. Literally no one. Maybe it's me. Probably is. I wish I could go and I can't. I've told a family member how desperate I feel and they didn't check on me today. It was a massive thing for me to speak out but they don't really care so now I think I shouldn't have done that. Ive fallen out with all my other family because I spoke out about things - it's years of extreme stuff that I can't put on here but beatings, violence etc

No one cares. I've phoned Samaritans twice today and that's what it's come to. The pain is unbearable.

Thanks yellow. Yes I have my own bank account. I used to have a good stable job but became unwell, mostly as a result of his behaviour and some awful things he did and had to leave my job.

I've never been the same since then and not 'got better'. I've been hoping I will and I've tried to get counselling etc but not really got anywhere. Plus there's been bereavements and tragedies/accidents so things have been hard. All of this I've dealt with alone whilst he carried on behind his wall.

Looking back I've been clawing away trying to get him to care, be nicer. All seems ridiculous now.

Thank you yellow. Thank you so much.

I want him to suffer, well be unhappy and then I hate myself for feeling like that. I want to be free of all this and be me again.

Going to try to sleep for a bit. Thank you so much for being there tonight.

I've sen you a pm @opentehgardengate

I want my h to bloody suffer Aswell and I'm sure inside somewhere they will but Youl never know.

The best way you can show him that actually your a strong person and can manage fine without him is to get everything in order for you and the dc and stand upto him.

Step away by not talking to him to start with.
If you need to communicate do it via email so you have a log and you can step away before replying so you keep a level head.

All the best op

💐 op
Really focus on yourself right now. Don’t worry too much about him right now. Karma will take care of him and every step you take towards a better life for yourself will just annoy him
I feel like you’re finding the nights really tough because your mind is whirring. Can you try some camomile tea or some soothing music or just something mindless on telly to give you something else to focus on.
It’s early days and things will get better.

Thank you. Awake now. Wish I could sleep all day.

Hi op,

I,m sorry your'e feeling like this.
You sound overwelmed. You have been together for over 30 years, is there some recent event that has triggered this to come to a head.

I hear from your posts he has been systematically breaking you down for years and your sense of self has got lost.
You sound as though you in the midst of the storm, you need outside help, you know that.
If he is a narcisist you know he will have controlled the views of people arround you to his narrative. It's all part of the process, and you know if he is a narc he will never willingly let go of you.
They believe they own you, although he sounds as though he has left to punish you for what?... have you been questioning his behaviour?

Remember he wants you to feel like this, completely planned, the thoughts of him are consuming you, and you seem polaxed, unable to make any decisions.
Take the day resting, you don't have to make everything right today, just rest, try to eat and look after youself. You need to get stronger at the moment.

Take care

OP - absolutely set aside parts of the day when you just rest. You have mental exhaustion.
Each day, if you have the energy, get one thing done. Eg. make an appointment to see the GP, make your benefits claim (get in touch with Citizens Advice if you want help knowing what to apply for and how), maybe have a conversation with your DC about supporting you in getting the house tidy again.
You don't mention what your relationship with them is like apart from knowing you have to keep going for their sake. You said they are late teens so perhaps nearly adults. Could you lean on them a bit more or are they also badly affected by your ex's behaviour?

Thank you for your support onthedunes - you’re spot on. I’ve very much questioned his behaviour and been very angry and he couldn’t handle that. When the going gets tough and all that.....

Also thanks to middlessexgirl for your help - means so much that people are there to listen. I have a good relationship with children, but they’re a big part of the mental battle because they’ve seen more than they should and having to try to stay strong for them is really really hard and I’m not managing it at times.

Thank you to everyone else too Rainbowqueen and Hawkins001. You’re all so kind.

And yellowperil40, a big big hug to you for last night. I hope you're okay today.

Sorry this has turned into some kind of acceptance speech (!) but it really is a heartfelt thank you to you all. I’ve sought some help from a relative this morning so here’s hoping for a stronger, more positive day.

Good, Im glad you feel a little better today.

People do care, it's just sometimes people don't understand especially if you live with a covert narcisist, total headfuck.

You are stronger than you know, 30 years of this and counting.
Have you read Any of H G Tudor's work online?

He is a narcisist and has one of the biggest followings on line, he presents the view of the narc and how to respond to them.
Problem is, he is now so popular I think many of his blogs need a subscription now.

Anyway have a good Saturday.

Hope your feeling a little better,you can always message me if you like x

Thanks itstimetoquit. I saw you posted on my other thread too.

I'm okay thanks. Best day today since it all - nearly three weeks. Made the bed today for the first time. Haven't had the energy so have been sleeping on a bare mattress which is horrible. They just don't realise what they do or they don't care. Well, my 'person' doesn't.

So so hurt and disappointed with how he's been to the children and the selfishness he's shown. Utterly disgusting self pitying selfishness. Really devastated about it.

Proud of what I've achieved today though.
Don't know what will happen from here. Not heard from him for days.

Onthedunes I've been reading what you suggested. Eye opener is an understatement. Thank you so much.

Anyone around to chat/listen? Thanks

I've been lurking so far but am here whatever you want to post.

My husband left me a couple of years ago and I felt exactly the same way. Wanted to die. Rang Samaritans. I was in shock, traumatised for a few weeks.

I promise you that in time it does gets better.

It really helped me to find others who had experienced the same thing online.

I am sending you so much love.

‘When you’re going through hell - just keep going.’

You will come through this. I promise you.

Thank you both of you. Another hard day. Got to try to pull myself together. Positive mindset for tomorrow

Hi OP

Well done. It’s an arduous road ahead but it does improve.

Have you looked into counselling or therapy? It helped me to talk to someone who wasn’t emotionally involved.

It seems to be fairly normal unfortunately for people to shy away from helping. Even loved ones. They don’t truly understand or don’t want to get involved. For me, it wasn’t something I could truly comprehend until it happened to me. It was shattering.

I hope you’ve found some of the online support forums. One of the best books I’ve read is Vikki Starks ‘Runaway Husbands’. There’s a website and a private Facebook group which is an excellent and private place for support.

More hugs to you.

I feel for you I'm going through the same thing,I had a good day yesterday did all the housework ( i havnt had the energy to do anything) how are you feeling today x

@opentehgardengate

My house is an absolute mess. Every surface covered in rubbish, plates etc. No clean crockery or anything. I just can't do it. I'm trying.

Sorry to ramble.

Sorry this is so hard for you . But what you said above can actually be a form of therapy and will get you out of your head . It will stop you ruminating. Fill the sink with hot water battle that mess and clean up your space . You will feel instantly better . Do this for you . He's outta the house you at least have control over making it nice for you . Stop ruminating on him he's a dickhead . Baby steps . You will get there x

Thank you all for kind words - everything I read gives me a lift. I will reply properly soon.

Itstimetoquit - sorry you're going through the same thing. Hope you're managing okay today.

Still here. Still struggling. Alone. Few family members have made a few noises but no one actually gives a shit. I'm physically unwell now. No one puts themselves out. Rock bottom again tonight. Have text a few family members who I knew would be up (big family). No reply. I know it's draining for other people but I'm desperate and have been there for them.

Horrible self pity and loneliness. Moan moan this is my life now. Really don't see the point. Lots more that I can't say on here. I don't deserve this shit. Putting up with his abuse for decades and now this. Disgusting excuse for a human being.

Sorry it's ranty nonsense. I have no one else to talk to or turn to. Hopefully I can sleep soon and escape this shit.

Oh love I do also remember feeling like you do many years ago... it's shit! But we're all here listening Xx