Suicidal ex after charged by police

[PoppetOHF]

Hi please bare with me this is my first post and im just at abit of a loss. Needing some positive words and reassurance. I had been my fiance for 5 and a half years. The violence started after a few months, subtle never fists etc just grabbing pushing name calling kicks throwing around. The following year he forced himself on me sexually during an argument (wanted me to feel like i was only his) i said no and laid there crying until he finished. I left shortly after and he hung himself although against all odds he survived. We got back together I felt alot of guilt that he had been in such a low place mentally to do that and wanted to help him. There was another rape incident that year. Soon after we fell pregnant, I left again as the violence continued however after being a single mum before I met him I was desperate for a family. He tret his step son amazingly and when he wasn't angry he was an amazing partner. Anything I ever needed or wanted he would make sure I had it, amazing provider for the family, beautiful home, lots of family days out, extremely affectionate wouldnt go a single day without telling me how beautiful I was, how I was too good for him, he never felt enough for me, how amazing i was. Etc. So anyway we got back together for the sake of trying to make it work for our baby and mine and his children from previous relationships. The violence stopped when our son was born. We since had a daughter too. Hes an amazing dad, treats them so well and they adore him. In 3 years there has been 3 occasions he has lost his temper , the last time our children were in the next room for the first time. I kicked him out. He wasn't leaving me alone constantly begging to let him home, telling me he's changed he's realised etc. He came home one night and I felt trapped and knew he wouldn't go again and my bravery was shattered. So I reported it to the police. They arrested him for 2 counts of rape, assault and coercive control. He is on bail atm. Im just struggling right now , I feel like im losing everything around me all my future plans, our home, my young childrens relationship with their dad. He is quite a suicidal person and im so worried that im going to have to explain to his babies that he is dead. He's said to a family friend he would rather die than be in prison branded a rapist and have our children associated with that. What he did was wrong but I still don't believe he's a monster. Ive never met anyone that loved me so hard, but treat me so wrong. Im struggling to think rationally I just need some help in knowing it wouldn't be my fault if he committed suicide. Its making me so upset and doubt everything xx

He is a violent abusive rapist who deserves everything he gets.
He’s not a wonderful dad because of what he’s done to his kids mum (you)
Well done you for getting out.
Now do the freedom programme and enjoy your kids.
He is not your responsibility.

I'm sorry that you are in such a bad place,

You have absolutely done the right thing.

It's not your fault if he kills himself.

If he didn't want to be in prison for being a rapist then he shouldn't have raped you.

It wouldn't be your fault. He sounds vile. Protect your poor children. Amazing dads don't abuse others.

It's not you, it's him. None of this is your fault. You have done the right thing. So, protect yourself and your children (as you are now doing) and let him take whatever path he decides. You can't fix him and it isn't your responsibility to do so. Look after yourself. Look after your dc. Be safe.

I’m so sorry OP, I think you really need to speak to someone to understand what you’ve been dealing with, perhaps a women’s charity etc.
He doesn’t love you so hard, that’s control disguised as care.
He’s brought everything on himself and deserves to go to jail because he’s an abuser. Love doesn’t hurt OP, it doesn’t go hand in hand with fear.
I really hope you get help and move on 100% because you and your children deserve better

op I really really empthaise with you. This must be so hard. Of course you can't just turn off all the love, and concern you felt for him, but that doesn't mean that you haven't done the right thing! When there are kids involved you simply can't risk exposing them to this. I understand completely why you would have stayed, especially before kids, it's a very confusing time. I have a temper, so I've always empthaised when otherwise good people do horrendous things in the heat of the moment, but this is too far, honestly! You had to report him because you have to be the best mum you can be, and you can't do that with the fear of his awful temper around you.

I know its hard but you have to try and detach yourself from him emotionally and concentrate on your kids for a min. They need you right now. You probably need some sort of trauma counselling at some point, if you can find any. Please concentrate on you and the kids, and what you deserve right now.

@PoppetOHF this isn't a situation I've ever experienced but I didn't want you to go unanswered. Obviously your ex is very abusive but like most abusers he's not always nasty, you wouldn't have stayed so long if he hàd been. You've done absolutely the right thing going to the police, you're protecting yourself and your DC from him, he's not to be trusted and you can't let your DC grow up to think this is a normal way to behave. I know you're sad and worried for him but you really can't let yourself get sucked in again and withòut wanting to sound unkind a lot of men in these circumstances threathen suicide but don't mean it. Maybe you could speak to the police so they keep a watch on him buf then step away. For you (flowers)

The ‘amazing partner and dad’ part is an act.

The abusive rapist - that’s the real him.

Abuse takes many forms and abusers act in many different ways. Some try to maintain total control over their partners all the time; others prefer to dangle carrots in front of them, i.e. they behave very well some or most of the time and that leaves their partner confused about how they feel.

Whatever he does now - it’s not your fault. It’s 100% on him. Any decisions he makes are a result of the actions he took. He’s been given multiple chances by you and still hasn’t fully changed so it’s time to cut your losses one way or another.

The only way for people not to think he’s a rapist and for his children not to have a rapist for a father was for him not to be a rapist. He chose to rape. That is on him and it’s certainly not your responsibility. As for an ‘amazing father’ - a man who is capable of raping is a very dangerous person to have around a child. What else is he capable of? I hope neither you nor your children ever have to find out.

When this is over and you have processed these terrible things, you will be so so glad that you were so brave and took all the right steps to protect yourself and therefore your children. Any actions your ex takes - even if he kills himself - are not your responsibility at all.

A friend of mines abusive ex killer himself. Best thing that ever happened to her!

Took her a while to get over the guilt but she’s thriving now x

I'm gonna be blunt here - if he kills himself there's one less rapist in the world.

He's a violent rapist.

Prison is exactly where he should be.

OP, I am going to be blunt. The reason that you mistake abuse for love is because of your own upbringing. Your parents left you feeling that you were worthless and unloveable, so any crumb of affection is so welcome that it makes you unable to think clearly. I am really sorry that your childhood was so sad.

But make no mistake. You will make your own children feel that they are worthless and unloveable if you choose an abusive relationship over them. They will feel helpless, worthless and unimportant whilst they sit in the next room and listen to their mother being abused and controlled.

Their mother thinks it is alright to be abused if the abuser says he loves her and if he tells her that it is her fault that he abuses her.

That is the lesson they are learning.

I can guarantee that they will also feel it is their fault and that they will have already learned how to not anger their father so that he 'loves' them. And that if he lashes out at them it is their fault for angering him, because he 'loves' them.

Do you want your children to be trapped in this sort of relationship when they grow up?

You have done such a brave thing, for yourself and for your children. What a grown adult man chooses to do is NEVER anyone else's fault.

I really, really recommend The Freedom Programme. It will really help to see things clearly.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You have been so fucking brave, my god your kids will be so proud of you when they are older. You reported him, despite your fear of such a terrible man, to protect them.

If he harms himself it will be his own fault. He is a rapist. If people think of him that way it is not your fault, it is solely his. If he didn't want to be thought of as a rapist, he shouldn't have raped you.

If he didn't want to be thought of as a shit dad, he shouldn't have been violent to his children's mother and make them live in an abusive household.

As a PP said, whether he goes to prison or hurts himself, it's in your kids' best interest for this man not to be in their lives at all.

You have been so brave and have put your children first and done what's best for them.

As someone who has been the victim of rape by a stranger, thank you for hopefully helping put a rapist behind bars. That's where he belongs, or in the ground. His choice now.

"He's an amazing Dad", except he is capable of rape, or putting his hands round your neck & squeezing until you choke. You won't be there to love & protect your children when he has pushed, shoved or choked you, & you are dead or handicapped.
If he is on bail, do not let him anywhere near you, he is very volatile & dangerous, he may prefer to kill you & then himself rather than go to prison.

He is responsible for himself and his actions.
He is not a good Dad.
You have to protect yourself and your children xx

He is despicable and what he does is entirely his choice. Do not have him back. He’s a shit dad too.

So he's still using violence to control and coerce you, only this time it's himself he's threatening to hurt rather than you.

He is not a great step-dad; he raped you. Your children need you happy and alive.

OP call Women's Aid, keep pressing charges and stay strong.

Please look into the “freedom program” you can do the course online and this will help you to understand what you have gone through and why you feel the way you do. I used to say my ex was a “good dad” but a good dad would not hurt the mother of his children.

All the best x

He's a rapist OP. Mourn the dreams you had because they were with a man who doesn't actually exist. I wouldn't trust a rapist around my children. Sexual abuse isn't as rare as people think.

@7yo7yo

He is a violent abusive rapist who deserves everything he gets. He’s not a wonderful dad because of what he’s done to his kids mum (you) Well done you for getting out. Now do the freedom programme and enjoy your kids. He is not your responsibility.

THIS 👆👆👆

If he didn't want to go to prison and be branded a rapist he shouldn't have been a rapist. None of this so your fault and whatever he chooses to do will not be your fault. Stay strong for yourself and your children, you're all better off without him.

He's a violent rapist. Leaving him was the right thing to do.

You are not responsible for his mental health. If he hills himself, that's up to him.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your dc.

I suggest you do the Freedom Programme so you can put better boundaries in place and expect better behaviour in future relationships.

This man does not love you. He has proved himself a damaged and dangerous individual. You have made a tremendously brave choice by throwing him out and reporting him. I hope his bail conditions don't allow him any where near you or your children. Whatever choice he makes even if it is to commit suicide, it is not your fault. I hope that you get plenty of support.

Has he assaulted other people - friends, family, work colleagues? Because if he hasn’t, then it shows he has complete control over who he assaults. He isn’t a victim of his own temper. He’s not at the mercy of moods that he can’t control. He carefully chooses the one person he’s going to rape and assault, and that’s you. He had a choice, you gave him several chances, and each time he made to decision to assault you again.

Being suicidal doesn’t change what he chose to do, and it doesn’t mean you should forgive and forget. In fact I believe Hitler killed himself.