Hi please bare with me this is my first post and im just at abit of a loss. Needing some positive words and reassurance. I had been my fiance for 5 and a half years. The violence started after a few months, subtle never fists etc just grabbing pushing name calling kicks throwing around. The following year he forced himself on me sexually during an argument (wanted me to feel like i was only his) i said no and laid there crying until he finished. I left shortly after and he hung himself although against all odds he survived. We got back together I felt alot of guilt that he had been in such a low place mentally to do that and wanted to help him. There was another rape incident that year. Soon after we fell pregnant, I left again as the violence continued however after being a single mum before I met him I was desperate for a family. He tret his step son amazingly and when he wasn't angry he was an amazing partner. Anything I ever needed or wanted he would make sure I had it, amazing provider for the family, beautiful home, lots of family days out, extremely affectionate wouldnt go a single day without telling me how beautiful I was, how I was too good for him, he never felt enough for me, how amazing i was. Etc. So anyway we got back together for the sake of trying to make it work for our baby and mine and his children from previous relationships. The violence stopped when our son was born. We since had a daughter too. Hes an amazing dad, treats them so well and they adore him. In 3 years there has been 3 occasions he has lost his temper , the last time our children were in the next room for the first time. I kicked him out. He wasn't leaving me alone constantly begging to let him home, telling me he's changed he's realised etc. He came home one night and I felt trapped and knew he wouldn't go again and my bravery was shattered. So I reported it to the police. They arrested him for 2 counts of rape, assault and coercive control. He is on bail atm. Im just struggling right now , I feel like im losing everything around me all my future plans, our home, my young childrens relationship with their dad. He is quite a suicidal person and im so worried that im going to have to explain to his babies that he is dead. He's said to a family friend he would rather die than be in prison branded a rapist and have our children associated with that. What he did was wrong but I still don't believe he's a monster. Ive never met anyone that loved me so hard, but treat me so wrong. Im struggling to think rationally I just need some help in knowing it wouldn't be my fault if he committed suicide. Its making me so upset and doubt everything xx