Suicidal ex after charged by police

[PoppetOHF]

Hi please bare with me this is my first post and im just at abit of a loss. Needing some positive words and reassurance. I had been my fiance for 5 and a half years. The violence started after a few months, subtle never fists etc just grabbing pushing name calling kicks throwing around. The following year he forced himself on me sexually during an argument (wanted me to feel like i was only his) i said no and laid there crying until he finished. I left shortly after and he hung himself although against all odds he survived. We got back together I felt alot of guilt that he had been in such a low place mentally to do that and wanted to help him. There was another rape incident that year. Soon after we fell pregnant, I left again as the violence continued however after being a single mum before I met him I was desperate for a family. He tret his step son amazingly and when he wasn't angry he was an amazing partner. Anything I ever needed or wanted he would make sure I had it, amazing provider for the family, beautiful home, lots of family days out, extremely affectionate wouldnt go a single day without telling me how beautiful I was, how I was too good for him, he never felt enough for me, how amazing i was. Etc. So anyway we got back together for the sake of trying to make it work for our baby and mine and his children from previous relationships. The violence stopped when our son was born. We since had a daughter too. Hes an amazing dad, treats them so well and they adore him. In 3 years there has been 3 occasions he has lost his temper , the last time our children were in the next room for the first time. I kicked him out. He wasn't leaving me alone constantly begging to let him home, telling me he's changed he's realised etc. He came home one night and I felt trapped and knew he wouldn't go again and my bravery was shattered. So I reported it to the police. They arrested him for 2 counts of rape, assault and coercive control. He is on bail atm. Im just struggling right now , I feel like im losing everything around me all my future plans, our home, my young childrens relationship with their dad. He is quite a suicidal person and im so worried that im going to have to explain to his babies that he is dead. He's said to a family friend he would rather die than be in prison branded a rapist and have our children associated with that. What he did was wrong but I still don't believe he's a monster. Ive never met anyone that loved me so hard, but treat me so wrong. Im struggling to think rationally I just need some help in knowing it wouldn't be my fault if he committed suicide. Its making me so upset and doubt everything xx

He was a rapist, He choose to rape. I don't believe in the death penalty so I wouldnt wish suicide on anyone, but if he commits suicide that is on him not you. In fact, even when lovely kind non-rapists are victims of suicide, their deaths are clearly a terrible tradegy. They are not (except in a very few cases maybe) the fault of the people that care about them. If he does kill himself then that was his choice, just as it was his choice to rape you (and he raped you for what sound like very calculating reasons, to punish you and keep you in your place).
And if he gave a shit about his kids he would not have raped their mother/stepmother. That is emotional manipulation because he knows that YOU care about YOUR children a lot so he knows thats a good button to press.

Incidentally, sorry and suicidal as he is now, you may well be shocked by his ability to lie and twist the truth in court. Because he is only sorry for himself.

It would seem one of you could end up dead either way - make sure it is not you.

One rapist less if he goes through with it.

Is he going to be charged - it may not unless he’s admitted to it.
The courts need evidence.
He may kill himself - but why hasn’t he if he’s on bail.
You appear to be back in touch with him - no judgement here but he’s a skilled manipulator - please be very careful - do not meet him anywhere by yourself.
It takes a while to separate from these men.
Look at the Freedom programme and Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that.
Protect yourself and your children.
What would you do or say if your daughter had gone through what you have.
It’s really really not ok.
💐

None of this is your fault.

He has chosen to be an abusive rapist. He's made his bed, he should damn well lie in it. He has only himself to blame.

What will you do, OP, if you choose to take this vile human being back, when he lifts a hand or worse to your children?

Note that I say 'when', rather than if, because it will happen. Your son is at particular risk of physical violence.

This is NOT your fault!
You haven't made him raope you or be violent by your behaviour. Men are much better at controlling themselves than that!

He might have some MH issues, crap childhood whatever. But in that case, he should have ensured that he got the help he clearly needed. Don't tell me for example, he didn't know he raped you the first time around. Or that he has been violent.
If not been. rapist was such an issue that he tried to hang himself, he should have done something to avoid doig it again.

as it is, it sounds like he has more issues with being KNOWN as a rapist rather than with being a rapist.

Its so hard because I know from an outsiders pov he is an animal, disgusting person etc

The problem is that it should be exactly the same from an insiders pov as well. Your head has been messed with.

But its so hard to focus on that when for 5 years ive been so "loved" by him. His anger only ever started when he thought I was being secretive and lying about things, he has such low self esteem and confidence that sometimes I think I just made him worse and if i had been more open and truthful with him would he still be like this?

His anger started when the real YOU dared to show herself. He didn't love YOU. He loved a certain small section of your behaviour towards him but no other part of YOU. The real YOU, he didn't care for or even like at all, as he has showed you many times.

Could the fact he will 95% im sure kill himself before he gets to court, have been prevented if id just tried a little harder.

It could have been prevented by HIM only. Do you really believe you are so powerful you can make a grown man rape and commit suicide, eh? He is still trying to control you, and you - you still want to be controlled by him because your head has been messed up by years of abuse and you crave any attention from him. Google Stockholm Syndrome.

BTW if he tells you that he will commit suicide then you need to immediately tell the police so that proper professionals will safeguard him. That is what any normal person would do even if they didn't know him at all, let alone if they were actually truly concerned.

He was one of these people he just wanted to be loved, he needed to felt wanted and loved but after the violence I just deep down resented him and made him feel unwanted.

Again, you cannot tell the difference between control and love. You had a bit of power over him because if you acted in a certain way he didn't get angry and was nice to you. You called this love. You imagine that he loved you and that you loved him. Stockholm Syndrome. It wasn't love - it was your instinct for self-preservation coupled with your feelings of low self-esteem. It is addictive - Stockholm Syndrome can happen to anyone including very intelligent people who are prepared for it. It makes you feel good about yourself. It is addictive and you will still be craving that abusive dynamic.

You NEED to wake up about this problem in yourself or your next relationship will also be abusive. You are a mother. You have children to protect. You cannot afford to remain deluded like this. Do the Freedom Programme for THEIR sake even if you don't care about yourself.

But I know he doesn't want to drag his family name through the mud as a rapist, he doesn't want his children associated with that name, bullied when they're older because of him, he wants to have a little bit of dignity left and go in his own way.

Come on now, OP. He wants you to drop charges and let him off. You know that perfectly well. He is still trying to make you put him before yourself and your children.

Find your inner anger, OP and hold on to it hard. Don't let go of it in order to hold his problems for him instead. That is just you putting yourself down because you think that your feelings are worthless compared to his, and also because it is so much easier to go back to the Devil that you knew. It is hard but it is doable and it will get easier.

So many on this thread have cheered you on for finding the strength to escape from this coercive control. You CAN do this.

I'm so sorry you and your children are having to experience this abusive behaviour.

But I know he doesn't want to drag his family name through the mud as a rapist,

He IS a rapist. He chose to rape. This is on him.

he doesn't want his children associated with that name, bullied when they're older because of him,

He IS the bully. He chose to do this.

he wants to have a little bit of dignity left and go in his own way.

Rapists and bullies don't deserve dignity. There is no dignity in choosing to hurt your family.

You are in a cycle of worrying about him, thinking about him, obsessing over making him happy. This is what he wants. He wants you to have no space or time for anything other than him. It's about controlling you. Please work on yourself and accept others' help in breaking further free from this manipulator. One day you will wake up and not think about him all day.

Keep going.

Could the fact he will 95% im sure kill himself before he gets to court, have been prevented if id just tried a little harder.

It has bugger all to do with how hard you tried. Because it isn't you (and never was), it's all on him.

And you claim he's suicidal. It's often the case the abusers threaten suicide, but they somehow magically manage to avoid doing this when their victim complies with whatever they want.

My ex threatened suicide, and even set up a fake scenario to further his "woe is me" act to everyone. He never did actually do himself harm. He died very suddenly instead from a problem with his heart.

He's trying to get you to drop the charges.
Please OP don't back down.
I seriously doubt he will do it, if he does that is up to him. If he didn't want to go to prison and be found guilty of a serious crime he should not have raped and abused you.
He's an adult don't shield him from the consequences of HIS actions. He got himself in this situation because of what he did.
It is NOT on you.

Providing you continue to have nothing to do with him, the news that he is a violent woman beater and a rapist is unlikely to follow your children and they certainly won't be bullied for it, when the victim is their own mother.

Same applies if he kills himself. Only a handful of people will even need to hear about it. Start afresh and don't let that sort of fear follow you. He's manipulating you by laying the responsibility for what other people will think, and how it might affect your children onto you. It's bollocks. Don't fall for it.

he doesn't want his children associated with that name, bullied when they're older because of him

That's not a thing that happens. Really none of your children's friends will know or give a toss by then. Children are surprisingly sensitive to finding out someone had a bad parent too, not bullying over it at all.

Here are examples from my life.

My eldest son had a friend since nursery whose mum is a single parent. No mention of the dad. Heard a rumour he was a bad 'un and never thought anything more of it. One day his dad turns up at a football match when the boys are 14. He had been in prison for a long stretch for a violent offence. The reaction of the other boys was to check up on the son regularly and generally keep an eye on him. Same for the mums and the mum. The dad soon fucked off again. God knows where, maybe back to prison. I wouldn't be surprised if the son follows the father's path in this case but any trouble will come fairly from.the son's actions not unfairly from his father's.

My middle son has a friend who is fatherless because the dad died young of a drug overdose. My son remembers his friend being off school when it happened. It turned out the dad was a massive coke head and terrorised the mum. She has blossomed since his death. Only kindness not bullying from the other children.

When I was a child my friend's dad went to prison for child sexual abuse of little girls the same age as me and his daughter. In those days that hardly ever ended up with prison so it must have been pretty extreme and well proven. Anyway, nobody bullied the girl because her dad was like that.

I bet nearly everyone on this board can tell stories like this where there was kindness or just ignoring not bullying of the children.

The bullying narrative is utter bollocks.

You are not his therapy, you could not have prevented his behaviour, you can’t fix him. If he kills himself that’s on him not you.
Focus on yourself and your children.

He has done this, all of this. Not you.
You might not feel it but you are incredibly brave. You’ve put your children first.
No one should treat you like that. It doesn’t matter what’s happened to him in the past.
I have low self esteem, I don’t go around raping or beating people.

I think that this is one of the worse things I've ever read on this forum.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, you did nothing to deserve any of this.

The reason he doesn't want to be in prison for rape is because he'll know that rapists are despised in prison. He knows what he is. You don't owe him anything, who cares what happens to him.

I think Women's Aid will be able to help you if you haven't already contacted them, keep trying if you struggle to get through. Just remember none of this is your fault. One day you'll realise how strong you have been to get rid of your abuser and move forward.

A lot of abusers threaten to kill themselves , mainly when things aren’t going their way, sadly many of them don’t follow through.

You did the right thing.

He has to experience the consequences of his actions. It's not a kindness to minimise what he's done.

Much more importantly, you have protected your DC. Focus on them now. Every time you feel your mind being taken over by him, force yourself to think about them instead. And be kind to yourself. Focus on them and yourself. He is so important in his own mind that his concerns about his DC are really still centred on him. Same with you: he only thinks of you in relation to himself. You need to avoid the same trap of centring him in your thoughts. It's very difficult: you've been trained to do it over years. Every time you notice it happening, focus on your children and yourself.

You've got this.

Rapists are the scum of the earth. I hope he suffers. May he rot in pieces. I say that as the offspring of a rapist.

The only thing abuse and love have in common is the letter “e”

If you access the right support to help you
truly understand what this means about him and what it means for you then you will see this

If he kills himself believe me when I say like everything else it is not because of or about you. It is all him.

I'll be blunt, too. If he kills himself, that's entirely his prerogative - nothing to do with you.
He's not amazing. The only amazing thing is that you've stuck with him so long. Time to draw a line under it now. Your children must be very young and they'll be better off without him in their lives.

Leave it to the experts to deal with whatever his issues are.
With the best will in the world you're not an expert on sick men.

Leave him to hoe his own path now - you're not his cure.
And you do the same with your life.

Fuck he's a dangerous man. Hide yourself and your kids from him. I hope he goes to prison for a long time.

To echo PP, if he doesn’t want to be branded a rapist, he shouldn’t rape women. Coercive control is a horrendous thing to recover from even without all the other horrors he has subjected you to. Have you thought about counselling? It really might help if you find the right person to talk to. HTH - you’ve got this.