Suicidal ex after charged by police

[PoppetOHF]

Hi please bare with me this is my first post and im just at abit of a loss. Needing some positive words and reassurance. I had been my fiance for 5 and a half years. The violence started after a few months, subtle never fists etc just grabbing pushing name calling kicks throwing around. The following year he forced himself on me sexually during an argument (wanted me to feel like i was only his) i said no and laid there crying until he finished. I left shortly after and he hung himself although against all odds he survived. We got back together I felt alot of guilt that he had been in such a low place mentally to do that and wanted to help him. There was another rape incident that year. Soon after we fell pregnant, I left again as the violence continued however after being a single mum before I met him I was desperate for a family. He tret his step son amazingly and when he wasn't angry he was an amazing partner. Anything I ever needed or wanted he would make sure I had it, amazing provider for the family, beautiful home, lots of family days out, extremely affectionate wouldnt go a single day without telling me how beautiful I was, how I was too good for him, he never felt enough for me, how amazing i was. Etc. So anyway we got back together for the sake of trying to make it work for our baby and mine and his children from previous relationships. The violence stopped when our son was born. We since had a daughter too. Hes an amazing dad, treats them so well and they adore him. In 3 years there has been 3 occasions he has lost his temper , the last time our children were in the next room for the first time. I kicked him out. He wasn't leaving me alone constantly begging to let him home, telling me he's changed he's realised etc. He came home one night and I felt trapped and knew he wouldn't go again and my bravery was shattered. So I reported it to the police. They arrested him for 2 counts of rape, assault and coercive control. He is on bail atm. Im just struggling right now , I feel like im losing everything around me all my future plans, our home, my young childrens relationship with their dad. He is quite a suicidal person and im so worried that im going to have to explain to his babies that he is dead. He's said to a family friend he would rather die than be in prison branded a rapist and have our children associated with that. What he did was wrong but I still don't believe he's a monster. Ive never met anyone that loved me so hard, but treat me so wrong. Im struggling to think rationally I just need some help in knowing it wouldn't be my fault if he committed suicide. Its making me so upset and doubt everything xx

Thankyou all for your kind words and reassurance. Its so hard because I know from an outsiders pov he is an animal, disgusting person etc. But its so hard to focus on that when for 5 years ive been so "loved" by him. His anger only ever started when he thought I was being secretive and lying about things, he has such low self esteem and confidence that sometimes I think I just made him worse and if i had been more open and truthful with him would he still be like this? Could the fact he will 95% im sure kill himself before he gets to court, have been prevented if id just tried a little harder. He was one of these people he just wanted to be loved, he needed to felt wanted and loved but after the violence I just deep down resented him and made him feel unwanted. I think I could sleep easy if he admitted what he had done , went to prison and paid for the crime. But I know he doesn't want to drag his family name through the mud as a rapist, he doesn't want his children associated with that name, bullied when they're older because of him, he wants to have a little bit of dignity left and go in his own way. After the last time i just find it so hard to accept, im really struggling with it. But I know I will keep reading your replies as thats the strength and push I need right now so thankyou xx

If he didn't want to be branded a rapist, he shouldn't have been a rapist.
He made the decision to be a rapist.
He made the decision to be a violent, abusive bully.
The consequences of his decisions are his own fault.

If he had grabbed a woman in the park, beat her and raped her, would you be saying he's not a monster and worrying about his reaction to the consequences of his actions?
Why is it less heinous to do it to you?

Hey listen naturally you will feel guilty for your children. Believe me you have done the right thing for them by doing this. Try to imagine staying in this relationship and your adult children coming onto mumsnet 25 years from now and talking about the horrors they witnessed and how helpless they felt as children. You have protected them from that and importantly removed yourself from the situation. You will recover and thrive, he is responsible for his own heinous acts, you have done nothing wrong. You have been brave and amazing and done absolutely the right thing.

He is not your responsibility. Walk away.

He is 100% responsible for every single one of his actions.

If you allow this man to get close enough to you again and he kills you, what kind of future do you imagine your children will have? Their father will be in prison for the murder and rape of their mother, assuming he doesn't succeed in killing himself, and you will be dead. They will always wonder why you didn't love them enough to save yourself and them from this violent and sick man.

You cannot stop someone who chooses suicide if that is what they want. Nor is it your responsibility to do so. This is aside from the terrible abuse he has committed. He's really done a job on you if you think the things he's done were your fault.

Rapists deserve no mercy.
You did the right thing.
Every bad thing that happens to him or he does to himself, is pure karma.

Also, I know what it's like to have parents that could not give you what you deserve, so I know how you feel. Usually we care more for others then for ourselves, so ask yourself: if your best friend or your daughter told you this story, would you feel any sympathy towards the abusive rapist?
Probably not so there you have your answer.

You need to do some work on yourself when all this is over. This is not a good man. He is a monster. If he kills himself he will be doing you a favour because you need him out of your life.

You say he is quite a suicidal person. Does that usually coincide with him wanting you to do or not do something? Seems rather convenient to be suicidal to get you to drop the charges and then magically ok again.

Absolutely terrifying to see how his kind brainwash their victims.

He did not act the way he did because of insecurity, he acted the way he did to make you insecure. To make you feel as if you were walking on egg shells and that you needed to moderate yourself in order to change his

He doesn't have trust issues. He has control issues. As in, he wants to control you! Might be worth reading some of lundy bankrofts work, he worked with abusers for years and found it was common for them to claim 'insecurity' or do things like accuse their partner of cheating/hint that they thought she was but that actually when asked, the majority said they didnt actually believe it. It was just to control their partner. To make her so focused on what she could do to appease him that they could continue to abuse her - and she would blame herself!

He is neither a good man or a good father. Abusers often threaten suicide. It's usually just another control tactic. Next time he does it, call the police and report it and they can send an ambulance out if they choose. Not because you believe him but because itll soon stop him threatening you with suicide if he thinks he will get in trouble for wasting police time.

Cut contact as much as possible and do plenty of reading on spotting and escaping abusers. And in time the fog will lift and you'll be so happy you got free. You are doing the right thing by you and your kids. There are great youtubers on narcissists that would be worth watching (melanie tonia evans is one) to help set you free.

Most men are terrified of going to prison branded a rapist. They prevent this by not raping anyone. Also he’ll be terrified of being raped in prison. Just think about that. He’s kill him self out of fear of what he put you through. So does he deserve your pity. Does he bollocks.

It wont let me link but if you youtube search:
'narcissist threatens suicide' and 'vulnerable narcissist' lots of useful videos come up.

One of my best friends was married to a man like this. Her and her children were actually spirited away one night by social services after the school made a report, she was told they either took her and the kids or just the kids.

She still, two years on, feels guilty and sorry for him. He’s been to prison for breaching the court order, he’s not allowed to have any contact with her on the kids but she still does a weekly Skype with him because she feels sad that ‘she’ has stopped him seeing his children. She won’t consider a criminal charge for the many rapes and assaults despite the family court finding clearly in her favour, because she doesn’t want to be responsible for sending him to prison. I despair but I can understand that after ten years of conditioning and abuse it takes time.

What I’m trying to say is that what you are feeling is normal. You are a decent human being and you are seeing him through that lens. He’s not. He’s an animal. The real him is a violent rapist and everything else is an act.

Do the freedom program, it will really help. And own your feelings, they are valid for you even if they are incorrect. Be a bit sad for him and then put it in a box and remember that he did this to himself.

I understand what you mean- he isn't bad 100% of the time and you feel awful at what has been set in motion here by reporting him to the police. However, rape is a crime and he had raped you twice and deserved to be reported so hold onto that and don't feel sick with guilt and regret.
No it wouldn't be your fault if he commits suicide, I hope he can get help to prevent that of course, can you alert mental health services about him? Has he any family who can help?
Please keep posting here if you need people to talk to.

God op. And he’s still manipulating you so he doesn’t get punished for what he’s done. He needs to be in jail., he’s a violent abusive rapist.

You need professional help to help you to see you’re being controlled. Victim support. Women’s aid.

I will tell you what two senior police officer friends of mine told me one day. That domestic violence is the worst job on the force. Because they burn thousands of hours on these men, snd the women says “but I love him” or “but he can’t help it”. They said the women at rhe end are “barely human” They spend so many years being beaten and raped that become just husks of what they once were.

Is that what you want, at some point, ten, twenty years down the line, some police officer to be looking at you with pity and thinking you’re barely human?

You need to end this cycle now. Your children cannot be near this man. You need to ensure you testify and rhem you all need to go on and live a happy healthy life. It’s not about him. It’s about you all,being free and you setting a good example to your children. Not letting them be near a violent abusive rapist.

He's not branded a rapist OP, he IS a rapist. And a violent, sadistic, self serving prick.

Him being good to the kids or kind to you sometimes is meaningless in the face of that.

It's very very hard not to separate the good from the bad in a person you are closely involved with but unfortunately the good can't come without the bad with this bastard so you can't be with him.

He's not your responsibility, your kids are.

OP he needs to be locked up. He isn't an amazing dad or he wouldn't treat you this way. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't treat you this way.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

Do you know on what terms things ended with his ex?

He is NOT this 'amazing' partner and father you insist he is. You are confusing 'amazing' with 'normal and non-abusive.'

He's clearly a deeply damaged, dysfunctional and unhappy man who needs some intensive counselling/treatment and I'm sure if a psychologist had the chance to delve deeply they'd find something tragic and dysfunctional in his childhood that causes him to be the way he is.

But so what? None of that is your cross to bear and you and your children should not have to suffer because he can't control his urges to frighten you, to hurt you, to rape you and to control you.

If he's frightened of prison it's because he's a coward who feels inadequate around other men, so gets his kicks out of frightening women instead. And what's the worst thing that can happen? That he should be made to experience some of the pain and fear and degradation that he has made you feel?

No amount of love and understanding from you is going to cure him. Stop trying. It's not your responsibility to mend him. If he kills himself then at least it will be over. He will finally be at peace and so will you.

OP, he really isn't a good father. Good fathers don't subject their DC of witnessing their father abuse their mum. You say that you're walking on eggshells around their father, believe me 'loving fathers' don't subject their DC to this kind of toxic atmosphere.

A lot of mums have made the mistake of believing that their partner is a great dad when he's nothing of the sort. My DM thought that about my F. The truth was so different; he abused my DSis and me to SA snd other forms of abuse. I've made the connections since he died 23 years ago and I can see now that my DM was a victim, too, my F was guilty of emotionally abusing her and also he exercised financial abuse and coercive control.

She was completely devastated when my DSis and I told her what had happened to us as children, and continues to blame herself.

I'm obviously not suggesting that there's sexual abuse. I'm saying that abusers are very good at making you believe what they want you to believe.

Please believe that you won't be responsible if your ex does commit suicide. You're the one who is the victim in all this, not him.

Put it this way op (a different spin) nothing is going to magically 'fix'him. So in a few years time if you don't press charges, what if he is dating some other woman and rapes her?

It's her you should be concerned about,not him. Because she is out there in the world right now, perfectly unsuspecting just living her life as best as she can and one day that monster is going to hurt her like he did you. Probably worse if he got away with it the first time.

At least if theres record of his attacks, perhaps she will be forewarned or at least be able to tun a Claire's law at the earliest sign of abuse. And with a bit of luck he'll get help in prison for his abusive tendencies. Not that you can make a monster into a man but the professionals can give it their best shot.

if i had been more open and truthful with him would he still be like this
Yes, yes he would still be like this.

He didn't get himself any treatment after the first time did he? Nor did he end it with you and tell you to stay away because he can't trust himself not to hurt you.

If he were genuinely lovely but damaged he would have got help and would have stayed away from you and other women.

The fact that he didn't shows he is not lovely. He is selfish and controlling. He cares about his image. He cares about keeping you. He does not care about hurting you.

It is hard to not die by hanging. I do not think it was a real attempt. It was to get you back under control. You might have told people why you dumped him. It worked, you took him back, were extra nice, had his babies and kept his nasty secrets. Now he faces public shaming he is using the same tactic as before to shut you up and get you back.

Oh op what an awful thing to be struggling with you say you have a daughter, look at her, would you want her to be loved by someone like him? Someone who was so messed up they couldn't draw the boundaries between love and fear and pain? Someone who is so desperate not to be branded something awful - but not desperate enough that they couldn't stop themselves actually being that awful?

If your ex chooses to take that step then you need to be clear, it is his choice and his alone. You are not responsible for his decision on how to handle the things that he did.

Yes it may be horrific to explain to young children that their father has died but it is also horrific to explain to children their father raped their mother. You have no good options there so try to stop focusing on it. His actions will mean that you have to have an awful conversation with your children - either way. The only thing not yet clear is which awful conversation you are going to be having. That is still in his hands. Get some support, later there are charities who give excellent advice on how to talk to children about difficult subjects. Use them when you need to.

Op, it isn't the case that if you tried harder that the relationship would work or he would be better. He's responsible for his own mental health and his own actions. He's a full grown adult man who chose to rape and abuse you.

You can't "fix" someone by loving them, you can't make them whole, you can't change them. The "transformative power of love" is a load of bollocks.

Only he can heal and better himself, it's not on you, it never was.

It sounds like you have a trauma bond with him, not surprisingly, and possibly co-dependence. Please try to get some support and counselling to move forward from this. Rape Crisis, Women's Aid etc are there to advise.

Nothing you’d have done differently would have changed his behaviour- he was what he was. He could’ve got help for his issues, he didn’t, he just battered and raped you. Your children were growing up thinking this was normal. You all need to be away from him and you sound like you desperately need some help and support yourself. You made the very brave first step in reporting it. Don’t let him make you feel guilty and back track blaming yourself. He brought all this on by how HE behaved- it was nothing to do with your behaviour. Focus on yourself and your children and try to make your future lives so much better.